I would get DH to politely ask X not to come over to your home. Is SD able to go out?

not yet the baby is only 6 days old. and his prob is he doesn't want to upset his daughter and i get it i just don't like it.

Ooh, that is a tough one.

I had my DD when I was 21 and I stayed at my mom's house for about 8-10 weeks. My DD was born in another state and I flew home with her when she was 1 week old. The night we got "home" to my mom's house, it was late, around 10 pm, but my dad (parents are divorced) still came over to see his new granddaughter.

looking back...I was the one that was insistent he come THAT night. I know it was awkward for my mom and dad and my mom stayed upstairs pretty much the whole time while my dad, baby and I were down in the living room.

After that, though, he did not come back. But I was able to drive and see him at his house.

I would ask the same question---is your SD able to drive on her own yet? If she just had the baby 6 days ago, she is probably not driving around just yet, particularly if she is on some paid meds, or if she had a C-sec. Most likely, she is just tired and not up to driving.

I can totally understand your feeling uncomfortable with BM in your house, though. Would you feel more comfortable if you WERE home? I think it would make me super uncomfortable to have an ex in MY home when I wasn't there. It just seems like a violation. I know her intentions are probably fine, but I can understand your feelings about it.

I would encourage DD to visit her mom at HER house with the baby as soon as she is able to drive--assuming she has transportation.

How often is she coming over and how long is she staying? Can you talk to her and let her know that you'd appreciate a heads up? She should respect that it's your home, it's not the same as if her daughter had her own apartment where she can drop in anytime she wants. I think the best thing to do is take the high road. I'd hate to have anyone in my home when I'm not there, not just SD's mom. When SD moves in with her in Dec., will you and DH go visit in BM's house or just pick up SD? It's an issue of boundaries and while I can understand as a mom, that I'd want to visit my daughter and her newborn, I'd also feel uncomfortable being in someone else's house, especially my ex's. I guess it depends on the relationship and whether everyone gets along (and how well) or not. It's good that you are thinking in terms of maintaining good relations, but does SD's mom think the same way?

If it's possible, maybe have your DH talk to her and maybe come to some sort of agreement that will make you feel more comfortable.

Well we don't get along with the ex's on either side and the way i see it, its like having my ex come over and visit with my daughter when we are gone. I also just found out that she is staying there all day (from 8:30-2:30)thats when my husband gets off of work, and since she works nights she is taking cat naps on her daughters bed in my house!! OMG Im so raving mad! I just finished speaking with my husband and lucky for me he agrees that her coming over is not cool so he is going to talk to the both of them TODAY!!! I just hope all goes well.

I can absolutely understand your discomfort, but if SD's mom is behaving herself (ie not snooping, not badmouthing you) then taking the high road will be a much better solution in the long run.

SD is a very young mother. It's probably a safe bet that she appreciates her mother's help and would feel a bit 'lost' without it. Also, it's likely BM's visits will cut back substantially once SD feels more comfortable mothering on her own and doesn't need the constant 'handholding' she's getting now.

If you and Hubby can be kind, tolerant, and respectful, when the tide turns in a few months, it should pay off big for you. Could even be the start of a truce...

I have come to terms with her coming over and visiting with sd and baby but to my surprise she took a nap at my house!! How's that for a slap in the face!!! Thats what i'm not comfortable with. Next thing you know she will want to take a shower at my house before she goes to work or make herself some lunch. Seriously where do you draw the line on something like this?

It is good you have come to terms with the visit. Your SD and now grandson tie you together with her mom. The better you can get along the more pleasant it will be all around. You will be facing grandson's BD parties etc in the future. A nap maybe can be overlooked but showers is going to far.

Is mom the only one who can help out SD during the day (the other adults work days)? Listen hats off to you, this isnt an easy situation. My guess is mom wont be staying so much as the baby gets a little older, but I dont knwo if I would want a 19year old driving with baby in car. No easy answers. And the GM doesnt have much a choice either. Taking care of a baby and working nights?

"but to my surprise she took a nap at my house!! How's that for a slap in the face!!! "

IMO, you're reading this all wrong --
Exactly how is this a slap in the face?
So Grandma thinks to herself "Let's disrespect Mimzie by napping in her house" ?
Doesn't make any sense.
Grandma's nap reflects how exhausting it is to take care of a tiny infant. That's all.
It's not about you.
Just my opinion, but to me, the fact that she napped on SD's bed rather than on your couch is a mark of respect and deference to your space.

Try to see it that way --
Breathe deep --
Be gracious --

LOL.
"I dont knwo if I would want a 19year old driving with baby in car."
Well, KK, since she's the baby's mother, odds are that she will be required to travel with her child.
I'd be more concerned that she doesn't sound like she's married and doesn't have a stable place of her own than that she's going to have to drive around with her baby. Jeez.

Anyhow, taking a nap is going a bit far... But I'm sure her help is a great source of support to your SD, so I'd say grin and bear it for now. In a week or two, once there's a bit more routine and your SD is more used to being a mommy, I think you could probably TACTFULLY suggest that GM isn't around quite so much.

You said in another thread that you were the TOW -- I think you need to suck it up and deal, you should be happy she's there to help your step daughter.

Mimzie, I m surprised she even wants to come in your house since you broke up her marriage....Talk about a slap in the face......

Ceph, it is precisely because the 19 year old hasnt shown herself to be a stellar example of responsibility that I wouldnt want her driving.

What is done is done, the child is here. The mom needs help. I agree with Dotz and Sieryn, I wouldnt want to go in home of my X and his SO (another TOW). But if my DD needed help I would bite my lip and do it.

Maybe OP should put a calendar up in her bedroom closet and start marking the days off.

Sheesh Mimzie -- I can see why you're nervous, given the standard of behavior you all seem to engage in.
It's certainly much easier to be outraged at her for 'violating your space' than it is to admitted to yourself how badly you violated her life.

If you truly are a decent person, now is the time to prove it.

As much as I have little sympathy for TOW, that does not give a BM the right to drop in and spend the day at her exH's house and take naps. I think to call it a slap in the face... well, I'd say maybe BM is returning the slap in her face. But, it does not make it okay. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I think that your husband needs to create a boundary with his daughter and his ex wife. Perhaps, allowing short visits so she can come check on her daughter would be acceptable or a good compromise to keep peace. The daughter should know by now that her parents don't get along if she doesn't already know the circumstances of the divorce. I know that I would not have invited my mom into my dad's house if they didn't get along. It would have little to do with it being my stepmom's house too, it would be out of respect for my dad. But, perhaps in this case, the daughter doesn't have much respect for her dad because of his affair.

honestly, I don't see the "slap in the face". Her still pretty young daughter has a BRAND NEW baby. She comes by to help out daughter and get to know new granddaughter. She does this during the time OP and her husband are at work, for probably several reasons; 1) that's when daughter is alone and most likely to need/want help, 2) she probably doesn't really want to hang out w/her X and wife, and 3) X and wife also don't really want to hang out w/ her. However, because she works nights, this is also her normal sleep time, so she catches a catnap in between helping out w/ baby. In daughter's (not ex-hubby and new wife's) bed. To me it sounds like she is being as unobtrusive as possible while still helping out daughter w/ the 6 day old baby. Yes, it is probably an awkward situation for everyone but that is not the same as a slap in the face.

"You said in another thread that you were the TOW"

Just curious ~ what thread was that, since she just registered today?

it's in the thread "the other woman". she isn't OP in that thread.

* Posted by mimzie001 (My Page) on
Tue, Aug 12, 08 at 11:51

Girl I was in your shoes not too long ago!! lol
Me and my husband were in a relationship way before either one of us were legally divorced or seperated. For a long time I worried that it was not going to work out because he wanted wait till she left because he did not want to lose his kids! well fast forward 8 years we are now married raising his 3 kids my 2 kids and our new grandson!! if you really want to stand by your man I suggest standing up for what you belive is good for the both of you and don't let the ex run the show. Sure the kids might resent you for a while at first but if you are loving and caring to them it will turn around. But you do have to be paitient!!! its was a hard road but in the end if he is the man you think he is he will do whatever he can to show you how much he loves you. Mine did and we couldn't be happier. Granted we do have the normal ups and downs but nothing we can't over come. Our motto is best friends first. No matter what.

Thanks Ima. I had not read that.

I have to agree that this isn't exactly a slap in the face. Can you imagine how hard it must be to come to her ex's house with TOW each day to see her grandchild and think about how that child should be in the house of she and ex together? Ouch - slap. It's an uncomfortable situation and I can't say I'd be thrilled to have DH's ex sleeping on my couch (funny, I know as I've shared a hide-a-bed with her!) but I think this is the time to be the bigger person. I think everyone is owed that.

As a last resort, would mom be able to come, pick up your SD and her son and take them back to her house for the day? Can she not stay there now?

I was only 21 when i had my son and lived in a state far away from the rest of my family and really could have used a mother to help me out, especially in the first couple weeks. I was naive and didn't realize if I stopped brestfeeding for a few days my milk would dry up and it did. I felt all alone caring for such a young infant while my boyfriend worked all the time trying to support us. My point is that this young girl really needs the help of her mother right now. Think about the babies safety and needs before your own and try to be happy you have your grandchild so close to you. Because you never know how often you will she them when she moves out.

Oh get off your moral high horses and get your darn noses down before you all get hypoxia for Christs sake! Typical Thread Jacking. Who cares if she was "The other woman" SHOCK! HORROR! FAINT! I can bet none of you are perfect either. I'd love to see half of you gutless wenches, hiding behind your computer screens actually say this narrow-minded dingle-twang bible belt crap to her face. Never happen. You'd all pee your panties and run!

Look at this way honey, It wont be long until Baby Momma is gone. If the ex needs to be there that much, she needs to pack Baby Momma up and take her home with her.

Wow Monoral - who bit you in the a$$ this fine evening?
OF COURSE it matters that she is TOW - it means she should deal with a bit of discomfort because she intentionally caused A LOT of discomfort.

I'm thinking birds of a feather; cheater cheater pumpkin eater?

I had a baby I was 21 and ex was 20. no one stayed with us the whole day. family visited of course but nobody sat there the whole day. and why would they? it would bother me. my cousin has triplets and yes she needed somebody there the first year, she had her mom, her husband and nanny alternating helping her, plus one of the babies was ill in and out of hospital the first year. but with one healthy baby you need no one there the whole day. this makes no sense.

some people may need help even with one baby. she is only 19! I am not saying she can't do it alone. But it is hard taking care of a child alone. she doesn't even have the father helping her. She may need someone there the whole day and then maybe she doesn't. And maybe she needs help telling her mother she doesn't need her so much. it is hard to know without talking to her.

Lane I agree, some moms have postpartum depression, etc. And not having the father there might be upsetting. I think Dad should talk to SD and get a better feel for how she is doing. Problem -- my guess -- is everyone is under financial constraints, and no one can hire baby nurese, etc.

Absolutely you need someone there when you are 19, six days postpartum and it's your first child. Many first time mothers are not in any shape to be doing much of anything at that time, especially if they had a c-section or an episiotomy. At six days postpartum, she should not have to worry about anything except bonding with the baby and getting a solid start on breastfeeding.