How old are all the kids? I think you & DH need to sit down together and you should tell him everything you just wrote here, JUST like you wote here. It expresses your feelings of hurt, sorrow, mistrust, fear and wanting to change the reationship.

If DH is willing you could have a family meeting with all kids and tell them how that incident before the wedding permeated your feelings, how you feel now and figure out a way you can all have a good blended family relationship. Or perhaps DH will have to address the kids. I'm not sure , this is why I ask how old they are, if they are older I can see doing the above, younger well that's another story.

I am certainly no expert but I know how hurtful those slings and arrows can be. One thing though abou the pre wedding incident-it is normal for kids of any age to mourn the end of their parents marriage and want them to get back together. The pre-nup thing well you know what thats about, they want to make sure Dads money is there for them should something happen to him. But the prenup stuff is adult stuff that children shouldn't be privy to in my opinion.

Would you DH go to counseling? A good counselor that specializes in blended families may help immensely.

About your health, yes please do try to disengage from the little battles between kids and such-they will work it out themselves only step in if really necessary..

Focus on you & healing right now. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that your biopsies are negative. Most times they are thankfully so focus on that. I know it is so scary. Tell your hubby you really need him right now, that you are very afraid. Let him step up to the plate, I bet he will.

(((Hug)))

Dear end of rope,
Please, please take care of youself and your health. Everyday tell yourself ... i am detaching myself from these SK with love. I know it is hard to do, believe me, i know for i have been a step parent to three step children for the last 19 yrs and even though they are all adults today, man it never stops. Worse of all, it seems just when i thought we were all getting alone fine, there goes the oldest one again acting like i don't exist, like it doesn't matter what i say or want, etc. etc. etc.

I made myself go nuts again thise week because of the oldest SD with whom i talked at length last week about visiting our home for dinner. I told her any night was fine except for thursday. Your Dad and i have alot of running around to do on that night and it's really difficult for us to have you alls (that is, the oldest step daughter and her two children and another step daughter).

I heard DH talking to this oldest SD last night, telling her he was sorry but he had to cancel for tonight thursday cuz we had to go here, and there, and here, and i don't know what time we will be back home so i am sorry honey i will have to cancel supper,etc..

Guess what the oldest SD replied to her father last night. Ok, when you come back home after your errands, give me a call. We will all go over for a visit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is exactly what i mean about no respect towards the Step parent. This oldest SD and I had a long and understanding conversation about these suppers and visits and agreed that thursdays weren't good for us seeing each other. What is wrong with her!
It makes me sick. You might think it's nothing but when it is done to you over and over and over again,...you get to a point where you really start questionning your relationship with these adult step children.

So, i am just looking so much forward to tonight grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

So..end of rope, if i can suggest anyting to you, is please take care of yourself and try really really hard to detach from the SK. It's hard but try it!

Keep posting.

I would ask DH to take you to the movies and not be there.
That is very rude, does your DH realize what happened there?

Its more disrespect for your DH for his daughter to do this when he said he is cancelling.
I agree with catlettuce, go out and do not be there at all. Spend alone time together and let this adult person get it through her skull that when someone like her father says he's cancelling to RESPECT him and accept it. She's only pushing because you highlighted that day.
You know, if you highlighted friday night not to come, put you any bets she would have targetted that day!
So when you have those talks with her, focus on another day in particular where you wouldnt' mind switching things around and avoid the day you need the most. I do it all the time and it works!

Thanks - my SK's are older (Married and have kids of their own). My kids all live at home.
It has not gotten any better in the last 2 years - I give you credit because I am not sure I could endure this for 19 yrs.
Do you have the guilt feelings? I get those all the time - The middle SD said we are not considered family (after everything I did for her) and so I rebelled and told DH that I will not be breaking my neck anymore for family dinners/birthdays etc - then comes the guilt and little voices saying 2 wrongs don't make it right - (I hate that)
I give in and then have butterflies and stomach problems for days.
What if ???????????????????????????????????

cattlelettuce, organic maria,end of rope

When DH told me tuesday night that his oledst daughter said they wanted to come over on thursday night....he saw my reaction, believe me! He was really tired and had worked hard all day. He was so tired that he really didn't want to go out and see his grand daughters play soccer that night but of course he still did. What would his daughter have said if he hadn't shown up at the game!!! Oh my God.

DH would have felt guilty for days. He often does things to make himself look good in front of his children. I'v told him this multiple times. For instance, he won't drink in front of his adult children except on a very rare occasion. That's not what he does when they aren't there though!

Anyways, when he came home on tuesday night and told me his oldest daughter told him they wanted to come over on thurdays night, ... i replied. What the .... is wrong with her. I've told her 18 times it wasn't convenient, that we needed to do things, etc. etc!!

After a while, i calmed down and i said to DH: look, this is not right. This is what i mean by disrespect from your oldest daughter towards me. What is wrong with her? It's not like i told her i don't want her over, i told her any other night would be great but thursday nights! She always does that. She ignores totally what i say and then she puts you in an awkward position between me and you. You think this is respectful! I wished him good night, said i was sorry if i had kind of ruined his evening with my reaction and then i went to bed.

Last night, when i heard him call his daughter to tell her he had to cancel supper for tonight....I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! He has never never done this in the past. NEVER. He always makes every effort to grant to his adult children and espcially her...whatever she wants. I've seen him cancel our xmas holidays because she wanted her father to do a 5 hour plus trip to go and get her so whe could be in the same city as him at Christmas. Back then, she was married and lived in another city with her children and husband. It wasn't like she was all alone in a city at xmas. But she was lonely, She wanted to see daddy and mommy. Can you believe it! Married with two children. No wonder she is divorced today. Was i ever upset at him for cancelling our holidays. That's when i started coming to this board and i started reading everything i could on detachment.

This has been going on for 19 years. Why do i endure it? Because i care and love DH. Have i ever felt guilty for my actions towards his children,..oh yes i have, but what i regret the most and what i ask myself often is this: why did i get so involved with his children in the first place? I could have been a step-parent, kind and nice, but not take part so seriously in these children lives. Oh yes,,...i did the parties for them, bought them gifts, etc. etc. I did everything a mother would do if it was for her own bio children.

I treated the oldest one just like i treated the two other step children. I gave her gifts, etc. etc. and the day she got married....she traeted me like a DOG. Her mother had a corsage, her grand mother, her aunt, her father ...you name it...but not me. She never thanked me for the money WE gave her for the wedding, etc.

You must all wonder what kind of a husband i have that would let these things happen. Well, he is just like many other divorced father i have met or read about. He never, nver wants to say or do anything that could affect his relationship with his children. He did admit that what his daughter did for the wedding was wrong but he didn't say anything to her and he knows that despite the fact that my relationship with this SD is a bit better today than it was in the last years, he knows one day i will tell her what i truly think about her and what she did to me.

This girl is spoiled rotten. She has NO friends at all except perhaps for one girl she talks to sometimes and her younger sister!

Knowing what i know now of step children, would i ever be in a relatioship again with a man who has children....the answer my friend is NO.

Tonight, i will not be the most cordial person in our home! Believe me!

Keep posting.

Fleurs, you say you did everything a mother would do, but didnt you also say that DAD had the kids EOW and one week in the summer. And that they wanted two weeks and you cut it down?

I will be thinking of you tonight fleurs -
I know exactly what you are talking about - it is never enough and Dad is always perfect.
Best Wishes,

Just my opinion, but I think any time two established adults with children marry that there should be a pre-nup. I say this NOT because I am suspicious of either person's motives, but only because a person with children has responsibilities to those children, and those responsibilities pre-date the new spouse. Each partner has the right and IMO, also the DUTY to make provisions for his/her children before entering into new legal arrangements.

Please note that I am also NOT saying what those provisions should be. I'm NOT suggesting that Daddy should leave everything he had pre-marriage to his children and everything post-marriage to his wife - though that's certainly a logical enough arrangement. And I don't feel the children should pressure him into any sort of decision about who gets what or how much.

In any case, I don't feel it's either wrong or necessarily disrespectful for the adult children to ask that a pre-nup. be made. It's prudent and sensible. And just FYI, it could also be to YOUR benefit, because at least in my state, if a man with children dies without a will, half of his estate passes to his children; the other half to his wife. Could YOU afford to pay out half of Hubby's net worth to his children?

So try to put your feelings about the pre-nup. aside. While it could have been intended as insulting or insinuating something, it certainly could also have been innocent and simply seeking advance legal clarification of a potentially messy point.

Also try to forgive the reconcilliation attempt. Know that it's very normal for kids to want their parents to get back together, and that it was more a pro-Mom move than an anti-you move.

I agree with Fleurs to a significant extent about disengaging. To these kids, you are "Dad's wife" -- not "StepMom". They have a Mom. They have Dad. You are simply Dad's Wife. This isn't a bad thing, nor even a disrespectful thing. Just accept it for what it is and don't expect more than that. Don't try to be a "mom" figure because it isn't needed and it isn't appropriate. Do for them what you would do willingly for the child of a dear friend, because that's who they are. Expect from them the kind of courtesy and consideration that they would give to a dear friend of their father's, because that's who you are.

It's a high standard and a position of honor, and try to view it that way.

fleurs, do you have bio children?

Parties and gifts do not equal Mom.

Nivea, that was my point. If fleurs come to the table with an EOW SM equals a mom, I would guess she is going to come across as overbearing to the children. And there will be adverse reactions.

"Expect from them the kind of courtesy and consideration that they would give to a dear friend of their father's, because that's who you are."

But OP isn't even being treated with any courtesy or considration that would be given to a dear friend and that's wrong.

I do all of the birthday/holiday shopping still but must say the kids are very appreciative of whatever they are given and they always thank me for their gifts. THough since G-son was born I have cut back on the older kids to spend on him, everyone understands that, no complaints there.

As far as getting involved in our finances-Not going to happen. It's inappropriate, they need to get a grip on their own finances and stop living off our income-our financial details are off limits to kids.