I also took the debit card away ... after he used it several times... to buy a coffee $1.98 then the bank charging $1.00 to use the card at the coffee shop then he slipped up and kept using the card even though the account was negative. So the $1.98 coffee ended up costing .... $17.98 We had $40.00 in that account to start the week ... by the time he was done at the end of the week his coffee's cost over $225.00 in fees to the bank.

He now gets a gift card on pay day for the donut shop no money on the card too bad don't get coffee.

and If I were you I would stash 1/2 of what's left for the two week period ... Keep it on the side for incidentals. Either that or get your own account... do a house account his and hers accounts.

Everything I "save" using coupons and rebates is my incidentals money. Its not much but it comes in handy for the kids with the ice cream man and other fun stuff.

Maybe hubs is competing with his parents?

but you do what you have to do:

My mother had a friend who wrote all her checks for bills, then picked up her husband's check, deposited it in the bank less cash for the next 2 weeks, & mailed off the bills.

She gave him a certain amount out of each check & *hid* the rest.

I never knew what to call his problem, still don't, but it sounds like something similar;
if he had money in his pocket, he spent it.

Yep, that's one of my problems, too.

When I solve it, I'll let you know how....>:(

Thank you all for your replies.

At the beginning of the summer, I thought I could force DH in to taking control of his mess by leaving bills for him to pay while I was away with DD and my mom. He paid them and mailed them but before they even cleared, he had taken the money out of the account! Coincidentally, he was at home the same week with SS. And I know he knows what he's doing because last week he took all of our change that we had saved and put it in the bank since I complained so about not having any $ and then took his card.

Anyhow, I have hidden our wedding money (which is quickly dwindling away after a year) but that's it so far. I have the feeling he knows I did it because any time we get in to trouble, I have to take from it to bail us out, which I rather resent since it's always for his financial irresponsibility. I guess I'm going to have to start hiding part of our paychecks and my DD's child support, too.

Having to hide money irks me as well because I hate having to be sneaky or tapdancing around the truth to him especially when I'm always blasting DH about his and SS's sneakiness and lies. On the other hand, I'm afraid if I don't do something about it, we're going to wind up in b-i-g trouble. But I really don't know what else to do at this point. Ugghhhh!

I don't think protecting the finances is in the same league with sneakiness & lies.

I had a dear friend who is gone now, but she was the nicest person.

Generous, loving, caring, guileless, the kind that always seems to marry a narcissistic egotist.

She sold real estate, & no matter how hard she worked & no matter how much she made, they were always at the brink of disaster because he'd buy a new $1500 sound system *for his truck* or some such.

She finally decided to stop telling him about every closing she had, & she would hold out every fifth check & send it to her mother to put in a separate account "just in case".

She said it bothered her at first, but she found that it was easier to sleep at night when she was less than forthright with her husband than it had been when she was worried about losing the house & the car & the truck.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

I can't imagine living like that. My exH apparently can't spend anything on the kids beyond dinner at McD's without consulting his current wife. It's not because he spends wildly - we both kept track of almost every penny, and it was all on the computer for both of us to see.

One thing that made me suspicious that he was having an affair was that his cell phone bill shot up to $48 in one month. In retrospect, that was pretty funny considering how much I have read others' cheating husbands have spent.

I have been a SAHM for a year because I just had a baby. However, I still contribute to the household as I get a check from a trust fund each month and child support for my DS. My DH is the EXACT same way. Every weekend it seems we start with what is a very small cushion, but by the end of the weekend we have 50 bucks left to last us until the next paycheck because of the way he spends on his daughters. My son looks forward to the girls coming over because he knows it is going to be no holds barred, but during the week we do nothing because all the money has been spent on the weekend. When I go back to work next week, my mom and I have already come up with a plan. She is going to watch my DD while I work, and I am going to tell my DH that I need to pay her 80 dollars per week for childcare (very cheap by the way). My mom really doesn't want anything, but she and my dad are going to take the money and put it into an account for me so I have a cushion for when DH pulls his little spending sprees. (We end up having to borrow money from my parents when we get into a bind and I am sick of it...this will be my emergency cash flow). We fight often about this matter because my DH feels I am acting like his mother and trying to control him over the finances. I told him to stop acting like a kid in a candy store and I won't have to. He thinks money is no object and he can just make more. I try to remind him he is 52 years old with no retirement (HELLO!), and was diagnosed last year with atrial fib and is on daily medication so he might want to slow down on the spending. I know exactly how you all feel.

I'm going to suggest a wonderful book to ya'll by the fabulous Dave Ramsey. It's called 'The Total Money Makeover'. He's a financial Nazi!

One of his favorite tidbits is that money fights and money problems are the number one cause of divorce in this country. He's right.

He also says every dollar should have a name before it even hits the bank. He's referring to a WRITTEN budget for every month.

He also says pay for everything in cash. Whe the cash runs out, there's no more to spend. For instance, when you deposit your paycheck, take out your grocery money for the month in cash...say $400. When the $400 is gone after week 3, you're eating rice and beans for the rest of the month.

He's on talk radio, XM, syndicated all over the country, and I think he has podcasts. But I highly reccommed his book. He helps gazillons of people get out of dept, save for retirement, pay off the house, etc.. If you get the chance to listen to his radio show it's really awesome! All he does is answer calls from people needing advice on their financial situations, and TONS of people call saying they can't get their spouse on track with the finances...he's got some great advice!!

best of luck! keep the debit card!

check out daveramsey.com

My DH and I did the Dave Ramsey course at our church and I agree it is awesome....if you practice it. It worked for us for a while, but whenever DH ran out of money, he would take it from somewhere else. I finally gave up on it, but I agree it is a great program.

lafevem, I cannot get over how much your DH sounds like mine and how much our situations are similar! My DD looks forward to going grocery shopping with DH because she knows it's a massive junk run and he'll say yes to everything, regardless of what it is or how much it costs. She also knows that when SS is home for the weekend, it means a good time, i.e. going to movies, bowling, trips to the mall, eating out, etc. My mother has already told me to pretend like I'm paying my dad for doing handyman work around the house but to keep the money for my DD and I. We, too, have had to borrow from my parents when it gets ugly around here, and I am fed up with it. When I took DH's debit/credit card last week, he was livid. It wasn't my fault that he overdrew the account. If I hadn't taken it, he would've continued to do it, without remorse! I think I'm going to cancel the cards with the bank and do what cawfe does with her DH, gift cards for the local corner store so he can get gas and snacks.

sylvia, you are right, and I will continue to shift the money around for my own peace of mind. My own mother has done it for 36 years! And my parents are really well off. The last time my mother and I were out, we had to go to the bank for her "stipend." She cracks me up! I guess I need to adopt the same attitude so I don't get left in the dust.

Thanks, annebel! I'm going to check out his website right now.

I am totally digging the gift card idea. My DH stops by the convenience store every morning for coffee (hello...we have a coffee maker), and cigarettes. I need to start the gift card idea and when he is out of money...well no more cigarettes or coffee.

One thing I did with ex was get my OWN account. We got a letter from the state that if either of us overdrew the account again (he always had the checkbook overdrawn every Monday after getting paid Friday), we would lose checking privileges in the state for five years and could even face charges. Since I had never overdrawn the account but my name was on it, I immediately started my own. I didn't care if he got in trouble, but I didn't want to go down with him. I've had my own account for over 20 years now. Overdrawn once accidently when I forgot to deposit a paycheck. The bank forgave the charges.

When now DH and I first got together, he inquired about having a joint account, but I could NOT do that. So we separated the bills and each pay for certain things and helping the other if one of us is short for like a car repair or something. Works for us because I couldn't give up my little piece of freedom and independence.

As luck would have it, I just clipped an article on budget busters for DH when he gets home today. If you buy the following items everyday, over the course of a year, here's the average spent:

Coffee: >$350
Bottled Water: >$365
Smokes: >$1,600
Buying lunch: >$2,000

dirtyfingernails, I've often feared that the same thing would happen to us. I know DH's EW had been arrested twice for bad checks so I'm not certain why he's so financially irresponsible. I've thought about taking my name off of the account but don't want to lose access to "our" money as that is what DH wanted - a joint account. I still have my own because DD's CS is directly deposited weekly in it. Plus I have our insurance directly taken out of my own account as well as student loan payments and don't want to screw those payments up by moving them to "our" account when I never know if the money will be there or not. I feel like I'm dealing with a toddler who doesn't understand the word NO, no money really means NO money.

I think alot of my hubby's problem with finances is his parents are wealthy... He will go over and fix the VCR, change a light bulb, meanial tasks and they will hand him a "couple bucks"(nothing less than a fifty). Their reasoning ... might as well give him something for doing it none of the other kids even call them never mind do stuff for them. (I take 1/2 of that too for stash money).

And when push comes to shove ... I always have my "stash" of money and he knows I have some never a clue how much I give him an "allowance" plus the gift card.

I learned this from my sister in law years ago... My brother was "allowed to fill up his tank once a week" which would get him back and forth to work plus doing his running around that he needed to do. And gave him $50 a week how ever he spent she didn't care. But he wasn't getting anymore. She paid off their house in 15 years. Paid cash for a remodeling job 5 years before she paid off the house. She has saved so much from putting him on an allowance I did the same thing. I know someone will say you're a SAHM you don't have a right ... whatever it works for us. He has the money to buy what he wants when he wants it ... I also have a 7 day rule ... if he buys something and doesn't use it in 7 days it goes back and I stash that money too.

His mother was a SAHM always she never worked... but somehow .... They live off the interest alone on the money she stashed away over the years.

I'll tell you what my DH and I do every week. This works for us but wont work for everyone. My DH has the exact same problem but he spends money on whatever, if he has money in his pocket it's gone in a few days. It got to the point that his bills were suffering because of it. Now every Friday when he gets home he hands over his entire paycheck to me. He buys a carton of cigarettes, and he gets a certain amount to spend during the week while he works. Maybe he might want a drink at the store or this or that, once that money is gone he is S.O.L.! We do most of our grocery shopping together and discuss all purchases together before buying anything. But when it is said and done the money is coming out of my wallet not his, as I am smarter with money then he is. His words not mine.

If the money isn't within his reach he can't spend it, it's sad as I am a SAHM but I to have a small income coming in but DH knows he can't be trusted with money. This works well with us, there was a point when he would want to buy something and I would have to advice against it as it wasn't financially responsible, but now things are different he is becoming smarter about the things he buys.

This thread is just a *small*, benign sample of what can happen when one person has the power to spend all the money in the account.

It still breaks my heart to think of my real estate friend having to hide money to keep her husband from spending it.

& when she died, her mother, a woman with a backbone & an absolute sense of fairness, gave the money to my friend's widower instead of to their 2 daughters because he was, after all, her widower, & besides, she "just knew" he'd do the right thing & share it with the girls.

He spent it on...dating.

DH + Debit Card = NSF Fees :(

My husband gets weekly cash, if he wants the credit cards or the checkbook he talks to me. Its harsh but frugal isn't in his vocabulary.

Another easy way to do it is multiple accounts or account portions: http://ccci.mvelopes.com/ is good software give him access to only funds you're comfortable with him withdrawing.

It looks like your husbands are spending all that money on their kids because of guilt because of the divorce. I don't know what you can do about that, except try to work it out. When they realize why they overspend on their kids, they might make some changes. Or, maybe not.

Why are such a high percentage of women on this board the primary financial provider in the marriage, and why are so many of the men apparently incompetent at handling money?

It doesn't matter how much "guilt" you feel about a divorce - that doesn't affect your ability to subtract. It seems that most posters are not talking about running up credit card debt, but about their husbands overdrawing the bank accounts. My kids used to think the ATM was an infinite source of cash, but they were 3 or 4 at the time.

THAT is a very good question, TOS.

I happen to fall into that category and I would never recommend the scenario to a woman who is considering getting married. It's a sure way to breed resentment and hostility.

My mother's generation didn't have it all wrong.

I suspect that there's a very wide caretaking streak in most women...

TOS,

The only reason I can think of why a high percentage of SMs on this board are the primary financial provider is that they are the SMs complaining, and the ones, like my Xs GF who are getting a free ride, see no need to look for support.

Wow- I guess it should make my father and my hubby feel better to know that they are not the only ones that cant handle money....

My hubby is a 'spend money like it's going out of style' type person ... but it always has a good heart behind what he spent like a new crock pot for his step father because his broke and he uses it everyday ... or new shoes because the kids' shoes are looking shabby (not bc they actually need them right then)... or something for me... the only problem is he doesnt know how to balance spending money on trying to do the nice things with what he should be spending at one time... and then if he overspends and I have to tell him hey look you spent too much money so we are broke for the next week it puts him in such a god awful mood... which is why we have seperate accounts and even when I do that I say oh there is only 100.oo for the week.... even though there is actually several hundred but is makes it last longer...

He knows he is crap with money and since some weeks have less than others... he doesnt really know when I am FOS or not so he just listens to what I say and it has been working so far...

we will see