Bf needs to not act as childish as SS is acting someone should be the adult and its not the SS. Threatening to never speak to ss again is ridiculous and immature to boot...

A 12 year olds emotions run high and should be taken with a grain of salt for the most part... sit down talk with ss tell him what he did was wrong if he was upset there are better ways to deal with anger and tell him what those are...if he refuses to discuss any reason why he "hates him and has ruined his life" then tell him well I can only assume that this is just you being mad and since swinging a curtain rod around and yelling and screaming are unacceptable your punishment is blah blah blah... if and when he does say what is really on his mind be open minded and understanding... undoubtedly its teenage emotions combined with the difficulty of having an abnormal family dynamic. BF and SS need to sit down and have civilized conversation and both apologize for what each said to the other and discuss openly their feelings and what and how it is acceptable to express them...

btw.. a 12 year old does not decide to not go on a family vacation

There are a lot of large gaps in the story.

When speedometer "was crushed" (how did that happen?), what did bf say & do?

tough cookies, you don't need it anyway or too bad, we'll get another one tomorrow?

Why did bf go upstairs to talk to him?

What did bf say to son before curtain rod came down (& exactly how did that happen?)

Son says his life is ruined but won't tell why?

I'd be very careful about leaving the 12-year-old alone with this man until I knew for sure what happened.

I was waiting for more info...

But I would say if BF doesn't want to go on family trip ... he as an adult can choose not to go ... but son cannot ... "sorry you feel that way "dear" we will see you when we get back"

But assuming the $10 item was not a big deal to you it most likely was to him. So 12 yo was in his room tossing stuff around being 12 he is _______ and can't express himself. Then BF walks in the door ... to see 12 yo "crying" so now his insecurities of being the oldest and crying come into play!!

My SC tell me they hate me and I ruined their lives all the time. I usually just walk away. They have told me, I ruined their lives because I make them clean their rooms and take care of their bodies.

I agree - need some more info, but from what I've heard, sounds like BF needs to count to ten then act like the adult.

Your son needs some one-on-one w/ you to get to the bottom of his outburst. Is he anxious about school starting? Does he see his father? Is he afraid BF is the reason you and his father aren't together (does father try to poison him against you all at all?) Hormones are raging, running high.

I hope by now bf has settled down. I don't envy your position. Are you planning to marry? Is your son aware of your plans if you are or are not?

Dana

Thank you for the responses. Here is additional info:

BF and I have been together for 5 years, living together with kids for 2. No plans to marry, neither of us feels it is necessary, we are committed to each other as though we are married. We own a beautiful home, and both work and enjoy a very comfotable life with our children. Ex-husband is abusive and controlling. Has been known to "bash" me to the kids, and manipulate them.

DS was looking for something in his closet, probably trying to avoid BF who was trying to talk with him about what happened. The closet door is actually a curtain, that matches the room. This is the rod that came down on top of DS. He then grabbed it, was angry to begin with, so I imagine this falling on him did not help his emotional state. DS insists he was never going to hit anyone with it, but he did think about smashing it on his bed.

My take now is that DS was extremely angry, went upstairs to be alone. I went out. BF knew DS was upset and went to try to talk to him. I beleive BF was badgering him a bit, (why are you so upset, etc) and DS became overwhelmed emotionally.

I am having a sit down tonight with BF and DS to see if we can resolve this whole thing.

I appreciate the responses. I was a little caught off guard with Sylvia. Her response seemed a little aggressive, pretty much accusing my BF of impropriety. Not sure what is up with that...

Oops, forgot to add this:

Both my sons have frequent visits with their father, and enjoy a close relationship with him. DS did complain that his dad swears at him and is degrading at times.

Thanks again!

I'm just going by what your posts say & what they don't say:

use of passive voice regarding speedometer sounds similar to "When the mouse ran across my shoe, I kicked my foot in the air & the mouse hit the wall & became dead." (& how *did* the speedometer get broken?)

& then there's the same passive voice here:

"I beleive BF was badgering him a bit, (why are you so upset, etc) and DS became overwhelmed emotionally."

DS *became overwhelmed emotionally*.

but you're right;
I do get "aggressive" when I'm worried that a vulnerable person may be suffering mistreatment.

& I think "badgering" is mistreatment.

"Impropriety" sounds sexual in nature;
I did not use that word.

Then there's this:
"S did complain that his dad swears at him and is degrading at times."

I hope this poor boy has other grown men in his life besides these two.

As Cawfe remarked, DS is 12 and acting like a 12 y.o. who was angry. See what happens tonight.

Sylvia is known for her very direct posts and examining all sides. Don't take offense. We, just reading, can't always read between the lines. You know the situation best, so you have to rely on your judgement.

I'm guessing BF felt badly a little, but wanted DS to say that it wasn't that big of a deal. Hadn't let DS blow off his steam yet or just 'get over it' when he approached. I don't think your son would have used the rod, either. I'm afraid I'm guilty of holding up plenty of things in anger that I'd love to throw, but wouldn't, lol.

All the best,
Dana