Oh dear... Let me start by saying I have a 10 year old son with high functioning autism and developmental delays. While his behaviors and problems often exhaust me and can sometimes bring me to the brink of despair, this child is also the light of my life. Believe me, I understand your frustration and need to vent. But, and you already know this -- You don't get to give up.

Please - Use extreme caution about getting your grandson's "label" removed. An "autism" special ed. label offers a lot of protections to your GS, and even if he's not autistic, he does clearly have some very real problems and needs some help. He is NOT really "just a normal kid, no impairments". Even if it's "only" post-traumatic stress, it's still a very real problem in your GS's life -- any 12 year old who sleeps in a diaper has issues. Even if all of his problems result from his horrific abuse, they're still real problems that desparately need to be addressed.

By removing his "label", you would be removing the protections that insulate him to some degree from the consequences his behavior problems. I'm not suggesting that he be allowed to get away with acting out -- just that he shouldn't be suspended from school for reacting when a bully taunts him about his problems. He's in middle school - that will happen, be sure of it. And middle schools are infamous for having ZERO tolerance for aggressive behavior. A child on an IEP, especially for autism, should have a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) that details exactly what the school will do to prevent behavior problems and how they handle them when they do occur. An IEP for a child with autism should also include psychological services - and it sounds like your DGS is desparately in need of some good psychological help. An autism label also frequently includes consideration for home-based assistance. What types of help do you need in your home life to be able to help this child build as 'normal' a life as he is capable of living? Strategies like building highly-structured environments and schedules, fixed, visible limits, concrete rewards, behavior charts... Your school should be helping you with this.

This is not to say that you can't and shouldn't expect more from him. Many children use their disabilities as excuses for low performance -- you can't let him get away with it. And you can't let the school get away with too-low expectations and demands because of his diagnosis. Many children with autistic disorders have NO cognitive disabilities whatsoever - none. Even if your son does have intellectual disabilities (mine does), he is still capable of learning. (A good friend of mine, mom to 7 year old autistic twins, calls it "Pound Therapy" -- pounding it over and over and over into their heads until they learn.) And the school has a duty to do it -- to remove any barriers to learning and to instruct him in methods that are appropriate for him. You and your GS' school BOTH have a responsibility to educate this child. Don't let him down.

Are you involved with any autism support groups in your area? I know you said you don't think he has autism/Asperger's, but try to find a support group and go anyway for a few meetings. Talk to some of the other parents about your GS's issues and listen to theirs. You may be surprised. Even if you conclude that it isn't autism, you'll get lots of useful information about dealing with problem behaviors and schools.

Above all, hang in there. Your GS needs your love and support.

p.s. My 10 year old still has occasional potty accidents (both types). They're rare, but sometimes, his body either doesn't send his brain the signal that it's time to go, or his brain doesn't interpret it correctly and in time. They usually happen in 'clusters' over a few days, and are neurological or "sensory" in nature.

Our school is on the small side, it is pre-6th grade. The school has zero tolerance for bullying and Jason hasn't experienced any. His classmates are accepting of him and very friendly. Three years ago, Jason was the bully. Teacher asked him to open a book, he threw it at her or threw the desk. The school has never suspended him for it, just sent him to time out in the resource room and missing recess or having to eat lunch in the resource room, which he hates. He loves the sociability of recess, lunch and breakfast. He does have a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP).

Things are structured at home, with limits, rewards, etc. Jason knows how to use the calender and helps put stickers on it each "good" day he has at school. He earns TV or video game time this way, or special treats or outings.
The school has been extremely helpful, and not just because DH is on the school board. They helped 20 years ago with my autistic son, 3 years of pre-school and no need of special ed afterward. He is in college to become a mechanical engineer right now.

I didn't mean to make it sound like the school isn't helpful. They are wonderful. They brought in the tri-county Autism/special ed team from our local educational collaberative group to help build his IEP twice a year and other times. He probably does NOT have cognitive difficulties, just the emotional/behavioral ones coupled with TOTAL lack of education before he came to us. His "education" at the other grandma's was cooped up in a closet-sized room with a video game stuck in his hand. And no discipline or consequences. He could just do whatever he wanted.

Your comments are helpful and I appreciate them. These challenging kids are a handful but lovable!

I'm so glad you posted back! Your second post sounds so much more positive and hopeful. I'm glad to hear you're working well with the school, that you have a good IEP and BIP in place, and that the school is trying so hard with your GS. It's great that he hasn't experienced any bullying at school. The statistics I've read indicate that more than 90% of autistic children are bullied at some point during their school experience. (My son has also been lucky so far - but then it's only been 3 weeks.)

It's quite a plus that you have experience with autism -- and for your autistic son to be in college says quite a lot about your parenting skills.

It will be hard to undo years worth of educational and behavioral neglect, but it sounds like you're up for the challenge.

The school works well with us. If we have a desireable activity or reward lined up, when Jason acts up or refuses to work they redirect his attention to the reward. Likewise at home, if he acts up at school video games are lost, length of time depending on the nature of the offense. And if he has a good week at school there is a reward. We have a daily communications notebook that we and teachers write in.