September Dilemma

19 years ago

My son's father called me yesterday and told me he had purchased the tickets in September this past weekend to take my son for a week. Told me the days he would be flying down and back. The day he will be picking him up is a Saturday that my DH is to be spending it with his daughter at the park. When I told my DH that my DS would be leaving while he would be at the park, he got upset. Hurt not angry, well angry because he wouldn't be there. I just kind of dismissed it as, this is none of my concern as spending the day with his daughter was something we have pushing for, for so long.

It is however nagging at me, but would never disclose that to my DH as he is already feeling guilty for not being able to go. Would I be wrong in asking him to speak to his ex-wife in maybe making that Saturday a little later in the afternoon. I had a very hard time letting him go last time, not actually letting him go, but more along the lines when he started screaming and crying as I walked away. But I actually threw up at the airport about 4 times because I was so upset. I know I need some emotional support, and isn't that what any husband is supposed to be there for, regardless of first of second marriage?

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Comments (12)

mom_of_4
19 years ago
if this is something that is that difficult and that hard then yes... ask to have daughter later and have hubby by your side... it is not to much to ask
cawfecup
19 years ago
Angelz...I know you want him there but BM is gonna put a fight... you know she will she will cancel the whole thing or be there "waiting" for him to show and when you do go back to mediator she is gonna throw it in his face. I know it sucks seeing your son off by yourself but It'll be easier in the long run than arguing with BM over it.
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angelz921
Original Author
19 years ago
*sigh* that's what I thought too. And why I didn't bring it up last night with my DH, maybe will I have my mom and dad come with me or something. His ex would probably love to use this against him in court, "Her child is more important to him then his own is."

It's just so depressing, so much so that it brought me to tears this morning. I take him everywhere he needs to go in retrospect to her, court, shopping for gifts, visitations now. But the one time I need help in regards to my own he can't be there because of her. I wish she would be understanding that since I am the one who does all of the transporting to and from that she should be more thankful to me then she is. But I know, I know it doesn't work that way.
finedreams
19 years ago
What seems sad in this situation that your son is really upset to leave you and does not sound as excited about seeing his dad.

Is there any way to convince him that it is such a fun and wonderful thing to be with dad? Maybe BD can come up with some exciting promices of fun times. I think if your son will be in anticipation to actually have fun with dad, he would not cry in the airport and you will have easier time to let him go knowing that he is happy.
sweeby
19 years ago
Angelz - I remember how I felt when sending my oh-so-little one of to visit his dad. But the important thing to remember is that you need to do what's best for HIM - not what you feel like doing. I know you're scared -- But please, please don't let your son know you're scared.

When you say goodbye to your little one, you need to swallow your own fear, pain and anxiety and put on a big fake happy face. Pull out your best "Yummy - spinach!" voice and tell your son how he'll have a lot of fun with his daddy and that you'll want to hear all about it when he comes back home in _______ days. Don't think about how much you'll miss him, and above all, don't TELL your son how much you'll miss him because that will make your son feel bad that he's making you sad. Just tell him how wonderful it will be to see him when he gets home again.

If you can spend a happy 15 minutes with BioDad at the airport, that'll help your son transition. Maybe Dad can get him a little toy for the plane trip that he could pull out when it's time for you to leave? But as soon as your son looks like he's feeling comfortable with Dad, then quickly say your goodbyes, turn around and you walk this way - Dad walks that way.

Once your son is out of sight and out of earshot -- Then, if you need to, you can fall apart. You may not even need to. Funny thing about acting brave is that sometimes, you can even fool yourself... ;-)
webegardnr
19 years ago
I'm with sweeby on this. PLEASE for your son's sake, keep your act together until he's on the plane. I just wish my step kids mom could see what she does to them when she pulls the "I miss you so much. I love you. I miss you" line over and over.
Reinforce the postive to him several times prior to the day he is to leave.
angelz921
Original Author
19 years ago
The why on my son freaking out about seeing his father at the airport is mainly because he sees this man every 3 - 4 months. The last time he saw him was in May, and to a 3 year old that's pretty much forever!

I tell him he is going to get on a BIG airplane and fly, as he loves airplanes. I told him he gets to see Mimi, his step mom who he loves and his cousins. LOL he gets more excited to see her then him!

I was pushing his father to do this visit sooner but he came up with excuses every time I turned around. Now my son will be gone on my birthday, so I am looking at it as my DH and I get to go out to a very expensive restaurant that I have been dieing to go to for a while.

His father buys his love like most typical father's and has promised him things over the phone so much so that he is numb to the idea. When my son refuses to talk to him he says things like if you don't talk to me boy I will take your football away! So after hearing things like that my son doesn't seem to get exited about much in regards to him.

They live in Maryland and are minutes from DC so they have lots of exiting things to do but who knows, last time he spent 4 out of 7 days with his SM at there apartment. Which upset me only because he doesn't see his son for months and then leaves him with her all day. She is a great women and love the way she is with him, and she talks to him on the phone all the time and I don't have a problem with that either. But why spend all the money to fly your child up to spend time with you and then not do it.

Off subject, sorry. I try to tell him how much fun he will have with his family up there but he just doesn't want to go with a complete stranger. I never pull that I miss you so much I love blah blah blah stuff. I know better, I would be no better then my DH's ex by promoting that sort of behavior. Which is why the last time after saying good bye I just had to walk away, because there was no calming him down. No matter what any of us said.
webegardnr
19 years ago
since he does like MiMi, could she possibly be the one to be at the airport instead of his biofather?
angelz921
Original Author
19 years ago
Webgardnr, as much as I absolutely love that idea. I doubt it could happen as his Bekah (Mimi) is pregnant and due around the first of October, she wont be able to fly. And frankly I don't think I would want her to fly down here that far along, god forbid if anything happened to her I wouldn't know how to live with myself.

It's funny how both her and I are due about 2 weeks apart. But she's lucky she's not dealing with Florida heat, she's got that cool weather in Maryland.
finedreams
19 years ago
Oh I see now, he is only 3 and does not see his father that much. No wonder he feels about him like he is a stranger. I thought he is older. I see the situation now. Maybe youi can get someone esle to go with you: your parents, siblings, cousin, good friend, anyone whom child also knows and who you are close with. It might help.
webegardnr
19 years ago
Yes, I'd say that is indeed out. : ) You are in a pickle. Seeing a 3 year old that upsest does hurt, and with your condition, you should have someone with you. Unfornutaly your DH really needs to go to his appointed visitation as others have said. Do you have a (recent) picture of your son's dad? Maybe seeing it often will lessen the fear of him being a virtual stranger to you son?
angelz921
Original Author
19 years ago
I have 2 picture's on the wall in my sons bedroom of his dad, but they don't seem to help.

I called my mom and dad and they are going to go with me to take my son, though that bothered my DH more when I told him I asked them to go with me.

He is torn between his daughter and my son, because in his eyes my son is his son. So it's hard and I respect that but I don't know what he expect me to do in this situation.

Yes, I am in a pickle!

September Dilemma

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