Why not just NOT call it an engagement party? If you avoid mentioning that, you should be okay. Tell people that "Amy and John will be here." And let it go at that. Don't expect presents, tho. Or discourage them and put them away out of sight.

Good for your daughter and her fiance to scale down their wedding to what's affordable. People should understand. (I hope!)

I wouldn't even see it as a problem if you DO call it an engagement party. There is nothing wrong with parents giving an engagement party, in my opinion, because gifts are NOT required.

In fact, isn't that who traditionally hosted engagement parties, back when they really were about formally announcing the engagement? You say most etiquette books call it tacky for parents to host; are you sure you aren't thinking of showers?

Or maybe you mean it's tacky to invite anyone to "auxiliary" events who aren't to be invited to the wedding. I get that, and in general I agree -- I certainly wouldn't invite others if the wedding were going to be large. But in the case of a very small wedding (and I think you just come in under the wire there), I don't see it as a problem, provided you aren't talking about just another 10-20 people or so.

If your daughter is planning on registering gifts, I would ask her not to put up the registry until after your party. Shouldn't be a time problem with so few wedding guests.

And if you still feel uncomfortable, go ahead and put "no gifts, please" on the invitation, although it is technically incorrect.

I agree with SushiPup; don't call it an engagement party. Guests invited to an engagement party should be invited to the wedding. They are presumed to be close family and friends - those who would receive an invitation. Etiquette books don't say parents shouldn't host. What they say is that the invitees should be invited to the wedding. Today, gifts are rarely given at engagement parties, so I wouldn't mention them in any way on the invitation. Simply invite people to a BBQ.

I also wouldn't call it an engagement party. If you do and then people are not invited to the wedding, they may feel slighted. Just have a casual BBQ with family and friends. Good food and drink, family and friends, and fun. Nothing that makes it a formal engagement party. Enjoy and Congratulations to you,your daughter and future SIL! NancyLouise

Yep. I agree with the rest of what people said here. Throw a big, well-planned party - but not an "engagement" party. That way nobody can really bother you about it. It's just a big nice party, and the lovely young couple, as it just so happens, are going to be there. :)

Could you hold the party after the wedding instead of before? Sort of a reception, but don't call it that?

Because etiquette usually says that people invited to the pre-wedding events should be invited to the wedding. Which clearly won't be happening in this case. So by moving your party to after the wedding, that problem would be solved.

And I've been to two or three receptions held a month or so after a very small wedding (one just had 5 guests), so I think that there is a tradition of this.

(And I sympathize with the groom. If I invited my siblings, their spouses and children, my aunts, uncles, first cousins and spouses but not their children, it's 76 people just on my father's side of the family. Right there, you've left the small wedding category.)

Thank you guys for all the responses. Somethings to think about. I had made up my mind not to throw one, when my daughter called and said they wanted one. Again, I think she is feeling bad about all the people who they can't invite to the wedding. So we are back to being on the fence about this. arrg! It appears very hard to have a stress free event:)

I vote for the post wedding gala. You can go as fancy as you want, and it may give you, your daughter and SIL a chance to invite a lot of people to meet the young couple. It could be as simple as an open house on a weekend afternoon, or a garden party, or even as casual as a BBQ in the yard if the weather is nice in your area in the fall. Some people will bring gifts if you call it a reception. But this kind of party is so very common with weddings that were kept small or weddings that occurred at a great distance that no one should feel slighted.

Our daughter was engaged to (and later married) a young man from the deep south, and so they were feted at a Christmas week engagement party scheduled so that his friends home for the holidays could also attend. In this small college town, a large group of adults/parents tend to co host the engagement parties, and the traditional and only gift to the couple is toasting goblets for their wedding day. In my daughter's case, I believe 13 couples co-hosted the gala that was held in the university president's home that was beautifully decorated for the holidays. The couples are friends and just put one on for anyone in their circle when the occasion calls for it. It was nice because my daughter had not met any of their hometown friends.

I had not heard of engagement parties being given in our area, but I think it is a lovely idea, especially when one of the couple did not grow up in the community.

It seems like most anything goes these days, but I would be concerned with having a party for people who are not invited to the wedding prior to the wedding.

My daughter was married in Aruba a couple years ago. If she had a wedding in the states, her extended families are so big that it would have been hard to keep it under 400 people. So the Aruba wedding/reception was around 60 people and then 3 months later (when the weather was nice) we had a big picnic to celebrate with everyone that could make it. It worked out well, around 200 people. If you have something before, I agree with everyone else, don't call it an engagement party because inevitably someone will be offended that they got an invite to that and not to the wedding. I too commend your daughter for doing what they can afford, you don't see that too much these days, seems like they gotta have whatever they want. Kudos to her