I do not want to do it!!

19 years ago

I am writing here first time. I am not an American. Please forgive me if my language is funny and has mistakes.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. I have three boys (6yrs, 4yrs, 2yrs) with my husband who has two boys, 23yrs and 21yrs, from previous marriage. The older SS lives not too far from where we live. The younger one lives in the other state. My husband divorced 12 years ago and lived oversea where I met. My husband and I returned to US 5 years ago when my husband retired from military service.

I do not want to have my SS around our family because they are just bad influences to our boys. You know that young children learn good and bad things very quickly. We (seven of us) used to live together for 18 months because my husband X could not take care of her boys. The younger SS used drug often and got into trouble in High school. Their mom could not take care of the issue because the issue could break her relationship with her husband who was a policeman. The older SS has anti-social attitude and no friend. They are the kind of kids whom I had nothing to do with at all throughout my life. But I tried to do my best even if my SS had issues that I hated to see. Now the younger SS is not around here but the older SS lives not too far. My husband would like to have him sometimes but I do not want to have him. I just feel my time for them is over (I know it is not). I know I have a problem with my pride. I am from averagely great family and have had happy life and had no divorce at all in my family line. It is hard for me to accept the different kind of people in my personal life. I do not want to see the kind of people around our boys either.

And recently my husband and I decided to write a will in case something wrong happened. While we talk about what we should write in it, my husband kind of told me that if both of us died, the property & money should be divided into five. Then I disagreed. He knew that I would disagree. My husband and I not always understand each other over the issue that stepsons have something to do with. The issue of stepson makes me feel separate from my husband sometimes, which impacts on our sexual life. I have a professional job and make very good money as my husband does. We share to pay mortgage and other financial stuffs. I would like to leave our property & money only to our three boys. I do not know how the other family takes care of these issues. It is difficult to draw a clear line. I appreciate if you have advice for me. Thank you for reading.

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Comments (5)

lilysuzanne40
19 years ago
Welcome to the board Rikkyo,

I understand your feelings about not wanting your SS's bad behavior to carry over to your sons. That is your right as a mother and something I believe your husband should support. However, you should leave room for the fact that your SS are still young and can change. Also, forcing your husband to choose between his children may cause him to resent you. Perhaps you could suggest your husband see his older sons separately from your boys, at least until some of their personal problems are worked out.

I see a greater problem with your attitude toward his estate. Your husband loves all of his children and is to be commended for not turning his back on his children. Your expectation that he should disinherit them is unfair. Please reconsider your adamant stance on this issue.
rikkyo
Original Author
19 years ago
Thank you for your thoughtful advice, Lilysuzzanne40. Yes, I do tell my husband that he should spend a time with his older sons separately from our younger boys. He just does not have much time to see them though, because he is busy. And I am observing how my older SS who lives near is changing too and hoping everything will work out someday. My husband knows that the older SS has psychological/emotional issue and it could impact our little boys. He agrees that he needs to see his older son separately, though, I know, he does want to see all together and have a good time.
About our estate, my husband has already written a will that a life insurance he bought during his previous marriage will be inherited to his older sons, when he died, even if the amount is not much. I do totally agree with it. Now my husband and I have been building our family together with three boys. I do not think it is reasonable my SS will inherit our estate which I greatly contribute financially. They can inherit something from their mom tooÂ. Maybe I should compromise that some percent of inherit will go to SSs even though they will not have inherit that is divided equally.
Thank you again and looking forward to hearing more advice as well.
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sylviatexas1
19 years ago
I can see that he would want all his children to have an equal share in *his* estate, but if the 2 of you died together, say in an accident, there would be 2 estates, his & yours, & I can understand that you would want your children to have your estate.

so I think the 2 of you need to have a serious discussion with an attorney or estate planner.

But both of you going at the same time is less likely than one or the other:

If you or your husband had an accident, the other one would be left with 3 children to raise.

You might check into life insurance to be sure that the survivor can take care of the little ones until they are grown.

I wish you the best.
mlly
19 years ago
This is what my husband and I did when we argued over this issue, split your estate into 50/50, your 50 gets split 3 ways to each of your children his 50 gets split 5 ways to each of his children. We felt this was fair since his children have their own mother and our children together will not share in her estate.
sweeby
19 years ago
At first, I was going to echo Mlly's suggestion -

But the very young age of your children and the substantial (I'm assuming) age difference between you and your husband complicates things somewhat. To me, it makes sense to 'earmark' a portion of the first-dying spouse's share of the estate for their own children, but IMO, the first claim on that estate belongs to the surviving spouse and any dependent minor children.

Life insurance can be great as a means of taking care of the little ones should a parent die when they are still very young. And for this as a specific goal, a term policy can be purchased that is very inexpensive.

Really, in your case, meeting with some estate planners is essential --

I do not want to do it!!

Comments (5)

lilysuzanne40

rikkyo
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I do not want to do it!!

Comments (5)

lilysuzanne40

rikkyoOriginal Author

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mlly

sweeby

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rikkyo
Original Author