disengaging : I did like your presentation. I wish I can present my case just like that. There are times words won't come under lots stress. People such as yourself open up a door, I see it as wow, that is polite way to put it in... Great that tells me what I try to say it... In that aspect I do appreciate your letter. I really I have friends such as yourself, where I can discuss something of this nature, get a unbiased opinion. I was little bit frustrated with other posters, It is possible I was under stress, I am the one going through the good and bad, these people are not going through I am going through, at the same time trying to trap me, and make me look bad than worse. I understood my fall and my raise. I am trying to get a second opinion, because I do not want to run into the same path which was devastating path which caused me lose the person who loved me so much when we were together, now she is on the other side, it is gone. I am trying to recoup the loss and trying to get my head straight. When a baby trying to walk it falls few times, we try to help them out, rather finding faults that the baby should have held to the chair, if the baby did not, who to blame. That kind of talk is not help at least me. There were times, I try to type fast, lots of typos, irregular sentence formation. I am not a writer to impress everybody here at the same I have to present my case here so that some one is humble who could point out misbehavior and suggest possible solution. That is all I need from people such as you and others. I never thought I would come to a message board to discuss my issues. When things were rocking and rolling, never thought about there is a message board of this sort. Time and place, my action brought me here. I am still proud myself for seeking help, instead become alcoholic or drug addict or living a low life for ever and never get a break. We open up the opportunity, we shut the door. It is always we. What meant is that individual. Thanks for reading, I am not here to pi.ss people off, I learnt a lot from this message board. I would say I added more knowledge coming to this board. I will continue search for help if and when I needed it.

"And they should feel fortunate that they were able to explain to her that it wasn't that she wasn't wanted, it was the day and age, it was the age of the mother, etc. and they were trying to do what they thought was best." I wanted to add on this note, too, who it is exactly that FD thinks should have stepped forward for Jane? Her birthmother ( my mom's first cousin) was 14! This was back in an era when single moms just didn't exist. Having a baby and raising her wasn't an option for the birthmom, as she was just a child herself! The birthfather was also young, 15 when Jane was born. (I might add, he and Jane have almost no relationship today because they just didn't have much of a connection. It IS fortunate and extremely rare that Jane and her birthmom were able to forge such a strong bond. I know it is the rare exception in these situations!) Anyway, so we have ruled out Jane's birthmom having been able to keep her and raise her. Jane's birthmom's mom was a single mom herself---her husband had walked out on the family years earlier, leaving her to go to work and struggle to support her 3 girls. She couldn't have raised Jane's baby, either. She was struggling as it was to take care of her 3 girls, and as it was, my grandparents actually wound up setting up college funds for all three of them. Let's see....my grandparents were around, but at that time, my grandpa was still working; he made a lot of money in his stock options after his retirment, so at that point, while they were well-off, they did not have the assets they do now. They certainly could have afforded to raise Jane, and like I said, I know my grandma really wanted to, but everyone felt it best for ALL involved if Jane went to a family with typical-age parents. They also felt that it would be too awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, including Jane, for her to be raised within the family, but not by her birthmother. They worried about the emotional pain and turmoil that would have caused the birthmom and Jane herself. And really---was it even my grandparents' responsibility???? Why is it FD that you think family members are RESPONSIBLE for someone giving their child up for adoption? If my teenage cousin had a baby today and wanted to give the baby up for adoption, never in a million years would I think I would be obligated to raise that baby. Actually, I would think it kind of presumptuous of me to even SUGGEST the notion. I am thinking of my sweet little 19 year old cousin right now...if she had a baby, and wanted to give the child up for adoption because she felt it was the right choice, I would not FAULT her for that, nor would I even think it was REMOTELY my business! I would offer my love and support in whatever was best, but I would never think that I should step in. I might consider it if she ASKED me to raise her child but I would not bring it up. Who else would there have been that you think "wronged" Jane by not raising her? My mom? My mom was 23 and in grad school, not even married to my dad yet. My uncle? He was in college. Jane's birthmom's sisters? One was in highschool and one was in grade school! I am not sure who these fictional people are who you think should have "wanted" and raised Jane?

wow some of this hit the nail on the head first on the adoptive children. I can see the difference and big difference lies in the fact you are the ONLY MOM. there is not another person raising this child and looking out for their best welfare. There isn't a biomom who is the picture making decisions, planning the child's future. There isn't someone else's feelings or toes that you step on. YOu are it. That to me is just as natural real as your own child. It is someone you care for , look after and that rely ON YOU and only YOU> They have noone else, I can see how that could seem soo natural and feel the same as a bio children except they are adopted. When you go into adopting a child it's because you soo badly desire that child, you look, wait and plan for that child. A Stepchild, lands on your lap at any given time unplanned. Yes you may have known this was the package deal, but you didn't build that person, you werent the sole caregiver for this child, you didn't think of what he was going to look like, what you had planned as a family etc. that to me is a big difference then planning for a child to come into your life. Same w/ a bio child. I am a mother of a 15 mth old son and SM to two biochildren. It is very difficult for me to have that "same" feeling I have w/ my son. EVen before my son I felt the same way. I do think that my DH is finally coming aruond to see this after having our son together that it IS very different to having your own child. I look forward everyday to seeing my child no matter how cranky he is.. with my Skids, I look forward to seeing them but honestly I look forward to having a break from them? why I can't pin it, maybe it's resentment on the mom's part as she is always blaming my DH for stuff or tells my DH he doesn't treat them fairly, he cares more about "our" family over there. Which is so untrue. MY DH is a great dad even prior to our child. If anything he favors his first born son.. and sometimes I tell him that. But he loves all his children equally it's just they don't live w/ us fulltime so it make it harder. I also understand the fairness issue. WE get that from her, if you go on vacation you need to take them. Well what if I want to take a vacation w/ my son and DH when the skids are w/ her? Can I not? Do i always have to fill her in on my life/ my choices.. That to me is what is challenging, as I don't naturally think of my skids feelings. I naturally think I want to take a vacation w/my son and my skids, BUT sometimes I think it'd be nice to just be the three of us w/ out them while they are w/ their mom doing fun things.. ? There are times the three of us are invited to parties/bbqs etc and the kids are on their mom's weekend.. how is that fair? how is it fair we go and don't take them but on weekend sthey are w/ their BMOM they get to go to disneyland and my son doesnt? to me life isn't fair. and that is what you need to teach the kids that are in a blended family. The BM job is to make them understand that this is what happens soemtimes and it's not intentional and that we also have to live our life just as they do. BUt BM stirs up the pot and adds her 2 cents in as she is jealous of our time. even though she is remarried and has her own DH she says this is hurting the kids. To me theo nly thing that hurts the kids is when she uses them as tools to get what SHE wants or tries to put guilt on my DH instead she should be teaching the kids that it's healthy and ok to feel hurt or left out but it's their life and how things are going to be sometimes. Just like my son doesn't get to do it all either will they? If life fair no and setting them up for disappointment will only help them in the long run instead of spoiling them and telling them that their situation is perfect as it isn't.. Anyways, what i am saying is, it is very difficult to be a stepmom.. Never would I have chosen this path if I hadn't met the man that I love.. It takes a very strong person to handle this and at times i don't always feel that strong NOR want to be.

Not at all FD. I think we actually agree. I'm just saying I'd respect my spouses needs regarding the house. As he would of my wishes. I wrote "Of course, there is the extreme of that situation where a spouse could arbitrarily say "no" but that would suggest something bigger is going on than just someone coming over. Finding out what the root of the issue is would be top priority at that point" That's an arbitrary No. Which could mean control issues, as you put it, which would require a deeper examination of where a person is in their relationship. My dh and I, other than the agreement about our exes, do not often say we do not want someone coming over. But it does happen on occasion. There can be things going on, someone can be tired, etc. In that case I think it's completely reasonable not to have guests over. We do it with our kids (no, Sally can't come over...) why can't we extend the same respect to our spouses? (of course, barring arbitrary no and perceived or real control issues) First you wrote...""If the reason you do not want her there would be that you don't like her, then it would be overeacting on your part."" I disagreed. Next you wrote..."if let's say one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's sibling or parents (just doesn't like them, no reason) it is not good enough reason to ban from the house. you have to agree just not liking someone isn't good enough reason." And then you wrote..."BUT saying that if it is EXSPOUSE who is invited over then of course new spouse has rights to say "no". Even if that person is not insulting." Yes, not liking someone is a good enough reason, if they have a valid point. Which would be something that would have to be decided within the context of the individual relationship.