Counseling. He needs it and you all need it as a family unit. Kids are going through puberty earlier now, and he could be starting it. The regular rebellion and resentment is magnified by his home situation. He's got issues, so get him to a counselor on a regular basis. One assessment isn't going to do it. Every week is what's going to help.

I'm so sorry for your turmoil. I understand your frustration and the feelings that you need to protect your nuclear family first and foremost.

I have to agree that counseling is a must. Your husband won't ever want to see his son as a threat. I am unsure as to what pre-teen behaviors he's displaying.

To answer your question: I have felt at times that I was gaining a lot of ground in the skids dept as far as respect goes. However, there were other times when I tearfully wanted to throw in the towel. It fluctuates.

The SS lived w/ us for several years and I thought he was not only my SS, but also my friend. At a musical he was in once in college, he introduced me and his father as "his parents." He began to always refer to us as "his parents." However the mother was at the same musical (Rocky Horror Picture Show - he was Rocky, looked and sounded great) and stormed out, made a small scene, called the play disgusting....DH and I were very supportive. SS is gay, mother can't accept that and w/ my age being much younger, I thought I was the one who was the most accepting.

Anyway, the SS turned on me a few years later. Basically, he cut all of out of his life for no known reason (I think his being gay is the problem, also unfulfilled dreams, dropped/failed out of college...)

The girls have moments of real closeness w/ me, but can turn on me, too. I think I need to forget the past and look to the future. But, these are all ADULTS now. Your SS is not. I often felt as you do on the visitation from my SKids when they were younger. I'd cry before they came, rejoice when they left on many occasions.

Overall, things did improve, I must admit. But, we had no serious issues. I'm not sure I can recall all of your SS's problems, but there were some serious concerns? Remind me, please or tell me where to find the other posts.

Keep him in counseling and get it for yourself. You need coping techniques, help w/ dialogue between you and DH. Most parents get very protective of their children when anyone other than they themselves criticize the kids. A therapist can help you discuss this w/o being offensive. You must protect your kids, though, so that has to be the immediate concern for you.

Good luck,
D

I just find it hard that a mum is supposed to accept that her children could be in danger just because the step child has issues. My motherly protection comes out massivly if my kids are threatened and I would protect them to the hilt. I am sorry but I don't know the history as I must have come in on this topic 1/2 way through.

Here's the link to the first post, mum23.

Josie, you wrote:

"I told my HB that I don't know what I would do if I caught him hurting the baby."

don't know how is is elsewhere, but in Texas, if you fail to protect your baby from danger, the state will take that baby away from you.

Unfortunately, oftentimes the state learns of the situation only upon the death of the child, & they charge the mother with child endangerment.

If convicted, she goes to prison.

"I just want my husband and our kids to be the main family and for the SK to be a part-time component of our lives together. I know that is awful. I just feel that our young child (and hopefully children) needs their dad's time more.

No, his troubled son needs his time more.

you think you want to have *more* children with a man who already has a troubled, maybe damaged, son, a man whose resources are likely to be stretched to the limit with a son who needs care, who likely needs years of intense therapy (which will involve dad's intense participation)?

Do you not realize that this son may need his father's care for the rest of his life?

For the sake of your baby & for the sake of being a decent human being, you have got to get realistic:

The life you describe isn't a possibility, & if it were, it would reveal an absolute lack of character on your husband's part.

Your child is in physical danger, & you're sitting around like a 13-year-old girl writing "Mrs Brad Pitt" & "Josie Pitt" (or whoever) on her notebook & dreaming about the perfect children & family life you could have.

You're a grown woman with a child.
You are a mother, you must protect your at-risk baby.

& you're thinking of more children with this man?

Wake up!

This isn't a story in a magazine, this is life.

Protect your child.

You cannot just erase this man's family, you cannot make a troubled/disabled/handicapped child go away so your own potentially perfect children can have all their father's time, attention, & resources.

which brings up another point to ponder:
some kinds of brain disfunction are hereditary.

I know I've spoken very plainly;
I do so in the interests of your baby & in the hope of communicating the urgency of your situation.

I wish you the best.

Here is a link that might be useful: josie's first post

Silvatexas
In response to your posting.
'Do you not realize that this son may need his father's care for the rest of his life?'
I think that you forget that the SS mother is still in the picture and is willing to take him back. And I do not think that any of you, whether it is your own child or a step-child, would keep a child at home with you when there is a potential danger to the other children. If this was our child together I am sure your advice would be different. It is not a easy decision to leave your husband when he is trying to do the best for the whole family. The SS could go back to the mothers or we can send him to a boarding school. Up here there are special schools for troubled children. My husband will be caring for his child for the rest of his life in one respect or another. The deciding factor will be if the counselling is helping and he is no longer a danger living here with us.
Your child is in physical danger, & you're sitting around like a 13-year-old girl writing "Mrs Brad Pitt" & "Josie Pitt" (or whoever) on her notebook & dreaming about the perfect children & family life you could have.
In response to this statement - My child is always with me, so she is in no danger. The problem will arise when I return to work. I am not sitting around like a 13 - year old girl dreaming. You seem to think this is a easy decision. You forget that there is a little boy who needs help and should not just be tossed away without every option looked at. Also you can tell by my postings that I am taking this seriously and wanting some advice and compassion, which these forums are all about.

You said 'You cannot just erase this man's family, you cannot make a troubled/disabled/handicapped child go away so your own potentially perfect children can have all their father's time, attention, & resources. which brings up another point to ponder: some kinds of brain disfunction are hereditary'

I think these comments is way off base. It was totally uncalled for. 'my potentially perfect children'. I have seen you go off in other posting put this one is really inappropriate.

I want to thank you to the rest of you that gave me support in my time of need. Update: My SS has is assessment on the 20th of this month. So we will see what will happen next.

What if something happens to the mother? What if she/the father/the son decide that the child would be better off with the father? His child is not, and should not be, less important to him than his children with you. As sylviatexas said, this child needs him more because of his disability/possible mental illness. And she is also right about the possibility that this is inherited.