My husband and I both are peace makers and we sincerely want everyone to get along.We have always been givers that is just our spirits.I appreciate everyones advice.It has helped me see things from a different perspective.Although, I will say it is just so hard to be kind when you keep getting punched down.My grandmother who is truly a saint and would never say a cross word about anyone has always said,"kill them with kindness."Not literally.She just means kindness will eventually soften their hearts.I have tried for 5 years and seriously when your dealing with pure evil any sign of good makes them flare up.Now I just feel like going around rebuking them every time I let them enter my mind because they have tried to truly break our spirits in every way possible.Please just pray for us that we may make the right decisions.Thank you agian.

Hi, again

I tried the "high road" and "kill them with kindness"
approach, too. The problem is that kindness doesn't kill them, and it doesn't soften them. They just see you as
vulnerable and they see you as a doormat. It just doesn't work. The more I would be nice, the more Ex- and SK ran over me.

The problem is that you are too nice.

southernsummer....amen!

Yet another one of our kids wants nothing to do with his father, as a result of his current wife insisting upon attending a family function when the child did not want her there, and his father yelling at him in public and embarrassing everyone, possibly even including his current wife. What on earth was she afraid of?

She wants to be included.
She wants to be part of the family.
I have felt that way, too.
He wants her to be part of the family.

Your kids don't want her to be part of the family.
Your kids don't want her to be included.

It's sad not to be wanted, and it's sad to be snubbed.

I have adjusted, and learned that it works both
ways. Hence, there are biomom events and step-mom events.
I don't attend their events, and they don't attend our events.

But there can't be a double standard. First family can't expect to be included in the second family's events, either.

In a way, it is nice that she wants to be involved with the kids, but if the kids don't want it, she shouldn't attend, and they shouldn't expect to be included in events that involve their family.

The kids don't have any desire to be involved in her family's events. Why would they want to go somewhere with a bunch of strangers? None of them have ever wondered why they were not invited to her kids' graduations for instance - actually it never occurred to me until you mentioned it that that would even be considered. I doubt if it occurred to my kids, either.

And it's not sad that MY kids are "snubbed" if you want to call it that - except for one of them, none have been allowed to visit their father more than once or twice in the last three years, because SHE doesn't want them there. Even when they were younger and not all of them could even speak yet, she didn't want them around because it was disruptive. What the heck did she expect, when you have 7 kids including her own in one small condo?

Some stepmothers have everything they want, and yet they still complain. They get to either a)steal the mother's children away for as much as 50% of the time, or, if they prefer, b)refuse to allow the father to see them at all. Many of them (I realize that many SM's here are not in this category) were responsible for destroying the biological family, and then they expect the children to be fine with that. They expect everyone to be fine with the fact that that vast majority of the father's income has been transferred away from his family to hers. They expect the children to be fine with the fact that the father spends far more time with her kids than with his own. They expect the kids to be fine with living in poverty while their father goes on cruises and watches an HDTV. And yes my kids have jobs, and have had since they were about 14. They expect the kids to be fine with being loudly berated in public for their educational choices and whatever else, both by their father and by her, even though she has an adult child sitting home most of the time.

TOS ~ You need to step off the bitter bus! You are blaming SM for everything! You think BM are so perfect? I am glad that you sit up on your high horse and daily belittle women on there feelings and there pain because you and your family are perfect and the other women in your Ex's life is SATIN! Well, I am hear to tell you, you are wrong. I sit here and listen to you bash SM repeatedly about things that seem only specific to YOUR life! Get over it! SM are not like that, in the real world. My DH daughter does not do with out because of MY family, she has more material possessions then most grown adults I know. WE do without because she sues us every year for stupid petty stuff! Which is typical of BM and there need to destroy the BF's new life! I have never once, made his daughter do without because my child wanted something. AS A MATTER OF FACT!!! I have gone broke spending MY money on her for her birthday, Christmas, and other holidays so she doesn't feel left out. For every DAMN toy to stay with her mother and for me to get no thank you!

I know that my SD ex's wife cheated on him and divorced him, my DH's ex wife cheated on him and divorced him. They BOTH had relationships with these men before the divorce was final. SO don't excuse SM or the OW of stealing men away from BM, I am still picking up the piece's of my DH heart because she screwed him over so badly.

GET OVER IT!!! WE ARE NOT ALL BAD PEOPLE!!! I am so tired of your bashing of SM, why are you even hear?! You are so perfect! You should write a book on the perfect that is you!

I'm sorry for your situation. She is a horrible, selfish woman and there is no excuse for her actions. There is also no excuse for the way your ex-husband caters to her whims and wishes, and the fact that he has let her destroy the relationship between him and his children. There are woman who will take advantage of weak men and will use that power to destroy their husband's children and love. They think only of themselves, their own fulfillment. I am sorry that your children now have to pay the price of your ex-husband's actions.

I'm sorry.

Its her ex-husbands actions ... exactly.... Same as my Hubby's action let his ex-wife get away with everything because he spent so long catering to her whiney ass that's the only way he knows how to deal with her is giving her her way ... I do not I hold her accountable for her actions or inactions with her children.

This is how this paragraph should have been written:

(I realize that many SM's here are not in this category)Some stepmothers have everything they want, and yet they still complain. (again I realize that many SM's here are not in this category)They get to either a)steal the mother's children away for as much as 50% of the time, or, if they prefer, b)refuse to allow the father to see them at all. Many of them (again I realize that many SM's here are not in this category) were responsible for destroying the biological family, and then they expect the children to be fine with that.

Would have made it easier for alot of SMs who have their SC full-time to swallow.

To theotherside.
Not all situations are the same. There are an awful lot of bitter ex wives out there too who simply do not want to allow their children to have contact with the new woman. My husbands ex is one of those women. She didnt want him but didnt want anyone else to have him either. (read my blog http://hownottobeastepmum.blogspot.com/)

It all boils down to how the divorce situation is approached and if the children are kept in the know and not hidden away from it to come to their own, all too often, wrong conclusions.

I belong to another stepfamily forum and I think it is in poor taste to enter a stepfamily forum just to voice a personal opinion and make step mums out to be bad.

Yes there are nasty stepmums who want the man but dont want the kids but there are alos stepmums who want to share the new mans life, including the children, and the BM doesn't allow that because she is bitter and hasn't moved on or got closure.

Back to the original post. Unfortunatly I don't think there is much you can do. Like flogging a dead horse so to speak. Perhaps just wait till she comes around.
xx

She stated that "many SM's here are not in this category." HUGE statement given her personal experience with a stepmother who shouldn't be allowed to breath much less cause her children pain. Why push the issue?

Sometimes we are so focused on our own personal hurts and aggravations that we completely negate those of others. She has stated that not all stepmoms are horrible (just the one in her life). We have stated not all mothers are horrible (just the one in our lives). Let's bury the hatchets. She can offer insightfull advice that we desperately need. We can offer consolation with the fact that she's been cursed with a weak willed ex-husband and a horrible selfish woman that creates havoc in the lives of her children. We're all in the same messy boat trying to find a way to not only survive but thrive for the benefit of the children involved.

Angelz responded before I could (wow you're quick!) to theotherside's post. My apology is to theotherside and I didn't catch Angelz post. However, now that I read it I just want to point out that the generalizations completely overwhelm me:

"Which is typical of BM and there need to destroy the BF's new life!"

How can we be upset about the generalizations made about stepmoms when we do the same to biological moms? And, she has every right to be here!! Her and her ex-husband have children together, he is remarried, there is a stepmother in her life and the lives of her children. This is a STEPFAMILY forum. Not just a stepmother forum. And the "bitter bus?" Okay, gotta admit that was a good pun (LOL!) but if you read the majority of the stepmother posts, we've all been on the "bitter bus" too!!! Good grief, we're all long-term passengers sitting next to each other!

Lone I try to stay out of most of the things she posts about ... doesn't always happen that way though ...

I sympathize with TOS because her ex left for the ow who happens to have money and he will not help out or support his children ... she normally makes blanket statements implying all SM's are the other woman turned wife.

Defending the BM who walked away, or the BM to bitter and worried about the almighty dollar to see that her children are the ones who will suffer in the long term, and the childrens rude behavior towards adults. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter how you slice it or who is doing it.

Cawfecup, I see your point but she's trying, she actually made the disclaimer that "Not all stepmoms..." etc. If you really stop and look at the full picture, both of you aren't all that different. Now before my head is lopped off, hear me out!!! Her ex doesn't want the kids, doesn't think of their best interests. Your husband's ex doesn't want the kids, doesn't think of their best interests. You both end up holding down the fort, trying to soothe the children's injuries, trying desperately to put them first and do what's right. Your the stepmother, she's the biological mother, but you are both in the same position.

I know ... we are basically the same ... I could replace BM with NCP and it would fit her basic situation. And its not really her who bashes me most of the time its the "other" one .. who hasn't posted in a few days. The father who raises his children doesn't get any respect but the mother who does is hailed a saint.

Other than letting her children swear at her and hit her... from what I have read she has raised decent children into decent adults respectful off all family members ... which is what I am striving for with my SC I don't want to be hailed as a saint.. I don't want to be their mother... but I will not be the doormat they wipe their feet on.

I raised my children one way and met a wonderful man whose children act like they were raised in the streets rather than in home. I will not make excuses for him he is responsible for their behavior as well as their mother.

My hubby actually paid me a compliment the other day about my 22 yo daughter after he had an argument with his 18 yr old. You know you have raised a great daughter she doesn't bug you for money she respects you she doesn't talk to you like dirt. Your son calls and just talks to you, talks to you with respect and values what you have to say to him. I said ... thats just the way my kids are ... its a matter of respect I expected certain behavior from them they knew it and I got it. ... if they want something they had to earn it or work for it nothing was given to them because they asked for it. He said I hope my kids turn out half a decent as yours are. I said I'll do my best.

From what I've read you both are trying to raise wonderful children despite the circumstances. Thank you for hearing me out.

Lonepiper, That comment I made about destroying th BF new life, was a point that that's what she sounds like. I was being sarcastic. I do not agree that all BM make the father's life miserable. I don't even agree that most. I think it is specific to the case.

I didn't tell her she had no right to be hear, I said why are you here if your so perfect. I just think bashing anyone parent Bio and Step, because you got the short end of the deal is wrong. I thought this was a place to get advice not be told how horrible you are for being a SP. But I guess I was wrong, I just wont bother reading or posting on this site. I get tired of hearing how bad we are because some husbands can't keep there pants on while being married.

Okay, time out.

All I said was that I really wanted to get to know
my step-children, but they were never open to that,
so we each have separate families, and it works really well.
No one should be threatened by that.

I never said anything about snubbing children.
My step-children were clear that they didn't want me involved in their lives. I respect that.

My husband left this morning for an overnite trip to
SD's college to see her and take her to dinner.
I wouldn't think of interfering with that.
On the other hand, my step-kids shouldn't interfere with our lives, either. It works better that way, and everyone
can have their own events. I never snubbed my step-kids.
They snubbed me. Their choice. Their lives.

Uggh, I've made a mess of it again.

Southernsummer: You stated what you felt and what works in your family. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and I personally found strength in your post. I appreciate your candor and insight. I think theotherside was legitimately asking questions regarding your position on not having a problem with husband seeing his children without you and, specifically, your husband being at an event, etc. with the ex-wife and children without you. I think she found it unbelieveable given her circumstances with ex and new wife. You didn't start this present drama, I did, and I'm sorry that you feel like you're getting the brunt of anything.

Angelz: I agree that bashing is wrong but how many of us come to this forum to vent? Venting could be construed as bashing depending upon your viewpoint. We come here to get hope, inspiration and advice. Some not always what we're looking for but it happens. We're not machines programmed with all the same feelings or even the same way of expressing ourselves. Stepparents sometimes get the raw deal, biological moms sometimes get the raw deal. I'm not defending the bashing of stepmothers but each persons experiences are different. If they can't talk about their issues with a new wife/stepmother, then we can't talk about our issues with an ex-wife/mom.

lonepiper, I agree with you 100% people come hear to vent. But for some reason 95% of what I read from TOS is complete attitude about SM, and how whenever someone gives there point of view she manages to tear it down bit by bit. I just think when people come hear to get advice or to vent being told they are a bad parent (SP or Bio) is not what anyone wants or needs to hear.

I am glad we are not all programmed the same way, who wants to marry someone who is exactly like their first wife or husband? I am just saying that the way a person puts there point of view or 2 cents is detrimental to a person who is in need of help per say.

I personally would not tell you (not you, you) that you are a bad parent for something you choose to do for your children or not to do. But merely state I do not agree with young children cussing at there parents as I view it as disrespectful, but if you view it as personal expression so be it.

....Understand?

People just need to learn to be a little more polite and a little less callus about how they put things.

I understand perfectly. However, I think that a big step was taken today. She said that "many SM's here are not in this category." I think she took great lengths to try to be polite and less callous. After all the posts asking her to differentiate between the "good stepmoms" from the "bad stepmoms" and not to lump us all in the same pot.

Angelz ... TOS is much easier to make your point with than another on here ...

I am a good BM and an ok SM I can't make miracles happen. :)

lonepiper,

Thank you for your comments.

I don't know tons of stepparents in real life - most of my kids friends are in intact families, or occasionally in single, never married, parent families. My nieces and nephews went through something similar with at least one of their stepmothers (who was not the person their father cheated with), and with their father, who had even less excuse because he was, and is, filthy rich in his own right. At least their father typically shows up at family occasions alone, though.

There seem to be a lot of wimps out there - or at least men who are passive-aggressive.

I suppose that is marginally better than just plain agressive. When I was a kid, a friend of mine and I had climbed a tree. Her stepfather was apparently looking for her in order to go someplace, and when he didn't immediately find her became enraged. I could tell she was scared, and as they were walking to the car he kicked her hard in the back. In retrospect, I should have reported him to Social Services. I am pretty sure I told my parents, but they apparently didn't think they should get involved. Of course this was a different era. On another occasion, he wouldn't stop the car when my friend felt car sick, and she proceeded to throw up on my Mom, who was sitting next to her in the the backseat. He treated his biological children just fine.

It scares the heck out of me when people say they hate their stepchildren.

So is TOS saying that she was traumatized as a child by
her friend's stepparent, and therefore hates all stepparents?

Does TOS think that biological parents never abuse children?

Is TOS saying that stepparents are more likely to be child abusers?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take from this.

My step-kids are definitely not abused by me or anyone else.

Actually, stepfathers are significantly more likely to physically and sexually abuse their stepchildren than are biological fathers. (The risk from live-in boyfriends is even higher). We have seen a couple of instances of abuse by stepfathers from posts by their wives on this board in the last couple of months, and most of the posters wisely told the mother to get out of the situation. Stepmothers are much less likely to physically or sexually abuse their stepchildren than are stepfathers.

As I said, I have not known many stepparents in person, but my experiences with the ones I have known have been almost entirely negative. They are certainly not by any means all abusive. A friend of mine who remarried recounted how her husband got upset when her almost adult children decided to replace their more recent school pictures that were displayed in the house with pictures of themselves in first or second grade, before he knew them. That was certainly not abusive, but I think it was VERY oversensitive on his part, and more than a little weird. Apparently he wanted to erase their past as well, even when it had absolutely nothing to do with their biological father.

I wasn't traumatized - certainly horrified though. I know there are abusive biological fathers as well, but in the case I was discussing, the guy did not abuse his own children. In addition to abusing his stepdaughter, he was nasty and rude when talking to her, and the poor girl was terrified him. The mother was obviously aware of her fear, yet apparently did nothing.

I know a few people whose relationship with their stepparents is tolerable, but I can think of only one person I know who actually is close enough to her stepmother to visit her now that the father is no longer alive. I am sure there are warm stepparent-stepchildren relationships out there, but my experience has been that most of them are cool, at best.

One of my freinds, who is a widow, broke up with a very nice man who basically said he would only marry her if she put her DD in boarding school. At least he was honest, and she went on her with her life. I agree with TOS, and do not let any man in my house. I meet anyone for dinner etc.

Okay, well I can't top that.

At least you were honest about your negative feelings
regarding stepparents.

For me I know a rather spiteful bio mum who wrecked my relationship with my stepdaughter because she was 'jealous' She should get over herself and has done severe mental damage to her daughter.
My stepdaughter treated me badly when I had done nothing, infact I actually treated her BETTER than my own children for fear she would feel rejected or left out. And as for discipline, I didnt do it again because she isn't mine.

I can safely say that at this time no I don't like my stepdaughter. She is calculating and devious and personally I dont like children like that. Whoever they are. My kids too have suffered the loss of their parents being together but they have never acted the way my stepdaughter has. Purly because I have told them true answers when they asked questions, and I havent used them to get at my ex. I love them so why would I do that?

Ditto to Mum23.

I think the turmoil about certain posters is the fact that even though they say they don't know all situations, they sum it up as if they do.. TOS you are right in your statistics of step-fathers are more likely to abuse than step-mothers.. But could that be because Men are more likely to abuse than women? It is not just the step issue and many on here tend to make it just that. Step and Bio, they have already decided in their minds that no step parent can be loving and genuine and still demand respect.
My husband and I had custody of 3 beautiful girls, he was NOT their father and yet he loved them and cared for them no differently than his own. Their Biological parents have been non-existant in their lives, would it be fair to say all biological parents would walk away if given the chance? No just as it is unfair that the negative posters on this site rally around waiting to cast stones at the first step parent willing to admit their true feelings on here! I understand the concern when someone says "I hate my step child" But if you take the time with an open mind to read the post 9 times out of 10 it is obvious that the poster does not hate the step child but the actions of that child.. They are just frustrated and need a safe place to vent. Everycase is different, every person is different. There are horrible biological parents that abuse and mistreat their children, and yes there are step parents that do the same. My point here is all of the parents on this board have taken the time to find and post to this board for help! Not many of your horrible abusers are out there actively seeking help. So rather than condemn them and trying to shame them away, why not take the time to actually reach out and try to help. You would be surprized at how much good you could do if only you would quit spreading hatred. I'm sure if we were to speak to the otherside of the coin (step-mom) We would get an entirely different story.

I am sure it is because men are more likely than women to physically or sexually abuse children (or spouses). However, stepfathers are more likely to abuse their stepchildren than biological fathers are to abuse their biological children. I think you need to be VERY careful when bringing a man into a household, especially if that household includes your teenage daughter. I think my ex-husband's current wife, who had a teenage daughter, was nuts to have him move in after knowing him only a few months, during which time she couldn't possibly have spent much time with his extended family or friends, because most of the time he was at home with me. She was very lucky that he isn't a child molester. I have read posts from mothers (not on this board) who have moved in with their boyfriend after knowing him as little as two weeks.

Why would you say "I hate my stepchild" if it were not true? It is not like it is said in the heat of the moment, because you have to take the time to open your browser and log in. In addition, you know it will be sitting there for all to read forever (or at least a long time). My impression is that in most cases, those posters who say that DO mean it.

"I have read posts from mothers (not on this board) who have moved in with their boyfriend after knowing him as little as two weeks."

Your statement accurately depicts that of my stepdaughters' mother. If the current boyfriend (5 in the last 6 months) isn't at her house spending the night when she has the girls (13 and 14) two nights a week then she actually takes them to the boyfriends house to spend the night (yup, they've spent the night at 5 different men's houses in the last 6 months). My husband has only protested once (remember, my husband that caters to the ex's whims?) because his ex-wife wanted to go out with her friends on a night she had them and she wanted to leave them at her boyfriend's house all night, alone, so they could get to know each other better. My husband happened to mention it to me and I was concerned. If the ex wanted them to get to know her boyfriend why couldn't it be in daylight hours? There is no reason he needs to get to know them better at 2 a.m. in the morning!!! Besides this one protestation by my husband, he hasn't pursued the issue further. No one else beside me seems to care and since I have no rights this will continue. I do not believe there is any recourse to be taken...

"My impression is that in most cases, those posters who say that DO mean it."

I'm sure there are a lot who do mean it. However, I tend to write things that I don't necessarily mean either.

Example: "I'm so mad my head feels like it's going to explode!!"

I tend to lean towards dramatics in my speech, whether verbal or written. I always have but that doesn't mean that my head is actually going to explode! (ummm, knock on wood...) Strong words tend to get people's attention as do words of anger. Even in written form and even after reviewing it on the preview page (yeah, I'm a nerd, I review my spelling before I submit!!) doesn't necessarily mean what it says... You can usually pick out the posters that actually DO hate their stepchildren from the ones who say that they hate them only in frustration and hopelessness. Sometimes we need to take it with a grain of salt and read between the lines...

Hey, Einsteins

You are all wrong.

See this link, and here's a summary:

What are the characteristics of male perpetrators of child maltreatment?
Relationship to Victim. Of the 192,321 unique perpetrators in the data set, 89,028 (46%) were male and 103,293 (54%) were female. Figure 1 shows male perpetrators by their relationship to their victims. More than half of all male perpetrators (51%) were biological fathers. The second largest group was male nonparents (26%), who included male relatives (12%), male non-relatives (13%), and those with a combination of non-parental relationships (1%). Boyfriends, stepfathers, combination fathers, and adoptive fathers accounted for 10 percent, 8 percent, 5 percent, and 1 percent of all male perpetrators, respectively. In comparison, among female perpetrators, 86 percent were biological mothers, 10 percent were nonparents, and the remaining 4 percent were stepmothers, adoptive mothers, fathers' girlfriends, or combination mothers.

Figure 1.
Male Perpetrators
(n = 89,028)

http://aspe.hhs.gov/HSP/05/child-maltreat/rs.htm

Southern

Child abuse does not equal child maltreatment

Two different things. Stepfathers and bfs dont ususally have responsibility for child care, so dont get charged with maltreament.

Yeah, I knew you couldn't handle it.

What is child maltreatment? Is that a good thing?

No but the stats are referring to a different problem. I dont like either one, but we are talking about two different problems.

The article, for those of you who didn't bother to
read it, says that Child Maltreatment is:
Child Neglect, Child Physical Abuse, or Child sexual abuse.

What population were you talking about?
What type of abuse are you talking about?

I think that your mind is made up, and you can't
even consider the facts.

Type of Maltreatment. Male and female perpetrators had distinct patterns of maltreatment. More than one-third of male perpetrators (36%) were associated with neglect; 66 percent of female perpetrators were associated with neglect (see Figure 6). A quarter of males (26%) were associated with sexual abuse, while 2 percent of female perpetrators were associated with sexual abuse. The percentages associated with physical abuse were comparable, although slightly higher for males (22%) than for females (18%).

So 24% were stepfathers, boyfriends, combination fathers (what the heck is that?), or adoptive fathers - almost half the percentage of biological fathers. Even if we were talking about child maltreatment in general, that just makes my point, since of the 72.5 million children in the U.S., 51.1 million live with both parents, and only 5.1 million live with a stepparent. So if 10 times as many live with their biological father, the fact that 24% of the perpetrators were stepfathers and pseudo-stepfathers is awful.

http://www.census.gov/prod/2005pubs/p70-104.pdf

And if you take out the neglect from the abuse, the percentages change appreciably (male v. female). And we cant tell steps v. bios as to neglect v. abuse. I think you are trying to use these statistics to justify your onw point.

And if you take out the neglect from the abuse, the percentages change appreciably (male v. female). And we cant tell steps v. bios as to neglect v. abuse. I think you are trying to use these statistics to justify your onw point.

Wether it is a step child or your own child it is not ok to be disrespectful or ungrateful.She has shown both.Help???

Was the OP's question... answer that before you all drag this out any further

step parents bad
bio parents good

babies momma = saint hood
babies daddy = trust fund

WOW! How this post got so off topic I will never know. It went from the original poster's problem. To the disagreement between TOS and myself to abuse and neglect to babies mommas and babies daddies.

lonepiper

Have you or your husband asked the girls aged 13 & 14 if they wanted to stay alone with the ex's boyfriend? I agree with you. The girls should not be alone with the boyfriend. There is no reason for it. Your husband has to wake up and protect his daughters. Would he even like those other men to be walking around in their underwear around his innocent girls. I would think not. Time for your husband to put his foot down for the sake of the children.

Josie:

At the time of that incident the girls had no problem with spending the night alone with him. Both girls were somewhat upset with our concern (okay, so it was my concern but this time their father backed me up!!!) However, three weeks later their mom broke up with him due to his alcohol problem and penchant for cheating (I'm not saying that all alcoholics would hurt a young girl, but alcohol does contribute to behavior a person may not normally exhibit). I feel that both girls are good judges of character but I don't feel that they can necessarily distinguish the ramifications of "what if." No, my husband does not walk around in his underwear so he would be horrified if a boyfriend of his ex-wife did. The problem lies with the fact that their mother does not care. My husband can't necessarily tell his ex-wife how she should behave, nor can he dictate what she does in her household, even when the girls are with her, she is still their mother (whether she considers their best interests or not). He tried to delicately broach the subject and talk it out but she quickly ended the conversation. We're kinda stuck.

Angelz mentioned that we have strayed from the original topic. I agree!!! It's always interesting to trace the way a thread turns direction!

Back to desperatestepmom. I would tell your stepdaughter of her impending brother or sister. Despite her mother's alienation tactics, I would make sure the stepdaugther knows that you and her father will always be there for her and that she is an important part of your family. Maybe you could even tell her that your new baby and older child would benefit greatly from her and you would love for her to be a part of their lives, however, the decision is her choice but the door is always open. That way it leaves the ball in her court. It also shows that you are trying to restore a relationship with her. I would also send a birthday present. From experience, it's very hard to shop for a teenager!! I usually have them pick out their own clothes but, barring that, I'd get a gift card for a "teen" clothing store. That way she can spend it how she really wants to spend it. And you most likely won't get a thank you, etc., but children must be taught manners and if it's not enforced they will not automatically do it. You can't really do anything about it in regards to your stepdaughter but make sure you teach your children. Chalk it up to being a teenager and not knowing any better.

I'll pray for you!!!

I agree that you must be very careful whom you allow in to your child's life be it a man or a woman. And to the original poster.. Definately tell the daughter about the new baby. And send her a b-day gift. I know it can be very hard at times to give and get nothing in return, but figure it this way. If you continue to give her gifts and offer to include her in your life, then the bio-Mom will have no excuses later in life when the child realizes that her lack of relationship with her father stemmed from the resentment her own mother had towards him..
As for people saying "I hate my step-child" It most definately can be said in the heat of the moment! When feelings are left unresolved and you feel unsupported at home, when finally getting the chance to openly vent of course your heated! This board is for that purpose! There are moments in everybody's lives when they may hate themselves let alone those around them. As I said before if you read those post most of them don't focus on hating the child themselves, but on behaviors the child exhibits that are not being corrected by the parents. If posting in here allows them the venting they need and keeps them from blowing up at the child, why shouldn't they? This is the STEPFAMILY Forum and is for all of the feelings that we may have as STEPFAMILIES! This is not a place to jump on someone for saying something you deem to be inappropriate!
I am not saying we can't all offer our advice to these people, but there is a tactful way to do that. The majority of the people on here are helpful and insightful, I have gotten valuable info from both sides here. Unfortunately there are the few on here who make it their goal to attack ANY Step-parent who post. It saddens me to see some stuck so far in their own denial and bitterness that they feel the need to downgrade others constantly. Nobody is perfect! No family is perfect! We as a group need to realize that all of these situations are different! I am here to help as much as I can and be helped by other people who are trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

I disagree that posters are in the heat of the moment while posting. I doubt if they are typing away while simultaneously arguing with their stepchildren. Also, don't they consider the effect on the relationship with their spouse should he happen to see the post? It is not really all that unlikely that he could happen across it, and their identities would be pretty obvious to someone who knew them.

Actually, when I post here, there is no heat of the moment.
TOS thinks exactly like my husband's ex-wife.
I have had only one actualy argument with her, about
3 years ago. Other than that, I just avoid her and any events that involve her. There is no way to have a real
conversation with her--there are too many variables.

I vagely remember meeting her at a New Years Eve party about a year before I met my husband. I recall smoking a cigarette with her in the kitchen and chatting briefly.
(I no longer smoke!) She was nice enough. I'm sure she has lots of friends, and my step-kids are popular and have friends. They are pleasant to everyone but me and my family. I can live with that, but I don't have to subject myself to it.

My husband's visit to see his SD went well. She wants me to
apologize for some comment I made 2 years ago. She already hated me prior to that time, and if it weren't "that" particular thing, it would be something else. I can't win.
Anyway, she made a comment to my husband that he "hates Mamma". That really surprised me, since my husband seems to
get along with his Ex- better than anyone I know.
I think she was referring to the divorce itself, but that was over 20 years ago, and financially he was always really good to them--don't question that, because I mean he went way above and beyond. Anyway, recently when my stepson graduated from college, they all sat together, and had a dinner party at a restaurant for SS, SD, Ex- and 12 of his friends afterwards, and he paid for everything. I didn't go, since it was an "Ex-" event. I could never do that with my Ex.

Well, anyway, I am a biomom and maybe you can call me a step-mom--my step-kids are now adults, and I have very little contact with them.

I would not tell her right away about the second baby until you are into your third trimester. I wouldnt tell her right away...not sure how far along you are in your pregnancy but that is what i did with my sk. Just in case there was any stress to protect your new baby.
It shouldnt be a problem since she has made it very clear she does not want to be part of your family.So be it. Its her decision and you can't force her.
I would buy her a birthday present and send it. Part of me says no since she wants nothing and give no respect but you are right about it. I would send it regardless . If she wants to be shallow that her choice but you dont have to be that way.
My SD , i felt didn't deserve her graduation present with the way she behaved with her father but i said to myself. she is graduation. We will give her a small gift , not a grand one.
So buy her something for her sweet 16 but dont get anything expensive or do something extrodinary.