I assume your husband knows he can normally gain visitation rights through the courts. From your message it appears the split-up was while his ex was pregnant or quickly afterwards. Stability in a childs life is very important and it may be better that the child remains alone in his new family since so much time has gone by. When the boy is an adult you may consider contacting him.
However the boy should know that he has a biological father different than the father he calls Dad. This should be done when he is mature enough to know, probably before he starts school. An expert should be consulted before that step is taken.

Unfortunately we have been unsuccessful in getting this into court, and not for lack of trying on our part. Yes, Hubby's ex left a week after she learned she was pregnant with his son, and took daughter with her. My husband did have relatively regular contact with both children up until his ex stopped contact (with some nasty false accusations) nearly three and a half years ago, a response to his asking for more time with the children.

While I agree that stability is important, I cannot agree that it is in either child best interest for their dad to just walk away. They had a very good relationship prior to the access denial. Their mother is recognized by much of her family as being emotionally unstable, she has changed their last names twice since the separation, (from their birth name, same as my husbands, to her maiden name, and now to her new husbands name. Unfortunately Alberta law gives bio-mothers full control, while failing to recognize paternal rights - so much so that a mother from a common law relationship can even put the children up for adoption without the bio father giving consent or even being informed.)

In our particular case, the children already know that they have a different bio-dad...they are being taught to call him "Bad Daddy", while mom villifies him to them. We have a letter from a therapist, that quotes the daughter as saying she is scared that when her new daddy is working, her bad daddy will come and hurt her and kill her mommy. This from a child who was all over him at all the visits and used to ask "When can I stay longer Daddy?"
Their mom's own family has told us that the children would be better off in our care, but are unwilling to make statements, out of fear of retrobution, and because if they do she will tear the entire extended family apart.

She has isolated the children from their entire extended family, except from her parents who agree to everything she says, including their aunts, uncles and cousins, from her new husbands entire family, has apparently pulled the daughter from school, she went for kindergarten, but apparently didn't return for grade one. She admittidly allows the step father to bathe the daughter, despite the fact that it is well documented that most sexual abuse is that of step father to step daughter. (I am not accusing him of anything, but it certainly is a concern, something that I certainly wouldn't do were I in that position.) That last fact I find particularly disturbing, because the reason access was stopped is because mom falsely accused dad of innapropriately touching then three and a half year old daughter in the tub. She has taught daughter to believe that this happened, even though it did not, and daughter is being raised to believe that she is the victim of sexual abuse, with all the scars that go with that belief, even though she wasn't. All this to stop a loving father from having a relationship with his children.

She is extremely controlling, everything is 'her way, or the highway' (the reason she left was that my Hubby wanted her to allow the daughter to visit with her paternal grandfather (a sweet old man), when he drove twelve hours to meet her, and mom locked herself and baby daughter in daughters bedroom and refused to visit. In fact she would not allow any of my husbands family to come visit. (All of whom I now know, and while some have their quirks, they are all genuine, good hearted people). She is also a screamer when she is angry (which appears to be most of the time), keeps the house filthy, the children isolated. She has no qualms at commiting purjury if she feels it's to her advantage...which I feel speaks a lot to character.)

It isn't a simple matter of, the kids are well adjusted to their new life and are thriving, so let them be...if that were the case, we might be able to. But every report we hear, be it from the latest therapist who after two visits is writing a letter saying the children shouldn't see there dad because according to their mother he is a b*st*rd, or a friend who sees them in the mall (their only real outing from what we've heard...a daily ritual of sitting at the food court while mom and grandma drink coffee together, even though they live beside each other), is that they aren't happy, they aren't well adjusted, they are fearful, traumatized, emotionally damaged little children. It is hard...impossible, to walk away, when you know that the damage is being caused BY their custodial parent...knowing that it's NOT in response to something their father has done. She is an unfit parent, and IM(not so)HO she shouldn't be allowed to have anything BUT, at best, supervised access to them, until she gets serious help. Unfortunately, although childrens services recognized what I described to them, as being serious emotional abuse that could have lifetime consequences for the children, they are unable/unwilling to investigate, unless we can provide evidence, which we cannot do, because we don't have access.

The other concern is that they seem to have very little concern for the childrens physical wellbeing, in addition to their emotional wellbeing, as when I saw my step son in the vehichle, he was not in a car seat, as required by provincial law for his safety...he was sitting in the front seat with just the regular seatbelt.

Maybe I am a bit biased against her, and subsequently her new husband, but the simple fact is that at one and a half years old she put their son through a barrage of tests and blood work (four hours in a hospital), because she 'decided' that my husband had "drugged" him (tests came back negative of course), and their three and a half year old daughter for a PHYSICAL EXAM for sexual abuse...when she KNEW that she, herself, was making up the accusations to stop the access, and has continued to create and feed her childrens fears...that 'Bad Daddy' is going to sneak into your room at night and hurt you...so daughter has night terrors and has regressed to wetting the bed...out of what I assume is a sick sense of accomplishment that the children now only love her.
She is unhealthy and unstable...that is why we can't leave them with her, and just walk away...because even with three and a half years of no contact with them, she still isn't willing to move on with HER life, and spends her time thinking of ways to make her ex's life miserable.

I hope that this doesn't come across as though I'm coming unglued at you...I'm simply frusterated beyond belief, and quite honestly I don't know where we are to go from here. We can't move on, and we can't get into court (she plays a lot of games to stall the process...and has currently put a hurdle in front of us that we financially cannot jump.)

With a clearer view of what is going on, do you have any other suggestions?? I really could use them!!

Thanks,
Verena

I guess I should add one thing to that...If their mom were willing to let DH have a relationship with their children, allow the redevolpment of that relationship, help undo the damage done by the false accusations, then everything that has happened to this point would just be water under the bridge. DH and I agree that no one has the right to talk negatively about (or to) the other parent in front of the children...so it's not that I want to stop her from having a great relationship with them. We don't want to take them away, we just want to know that she isn't causing them serious emotional trauma. We have made countless requests for access, even offering to pay for an impartial third party to supervise, but she is unwilling to agree...and all we have been asking for, because is has been so long, is the equivilent of six days out of the year. She is unwilling to give him anything. No phone calls, no letters, and above all, no visitation.
She once told him that if he wasn't with her then he didn't deserve to see the kids. It didn't matter that she was the one who left, or that he was the one trying to make concessions so she would stay so he could be a part of his childrens lives. She has made up her new 'perfect' family portrait, and is unwilling to admit to the past, or that their children have a father out there (five minutes away) who loves them too, and wants to be a part of thier lives.

verenap...this is what I am talking about everyone. This "love" that verenap has for her dear husband, that she "shares" his grief and pain and loss...because she understands at her very core, the pain her beloved is suffering because he has lost his own children and the years are slipping by. She hurts, because he hurts...and she grieves with him, and for him, simply because she loves him.

Perhaps verenaps life is easier, because she does not have to raise or deal with his children, who have been raised to this point by a vindictive, mean spirited ex-wife. But verenap is not asking for "easy". She is asking for the kids because they are the desire of her beloved's heart...his desperate need to be a father to his children. Simply because she loves him, she is saying she would walk the hard road with him, to help him parent his children. That is what I am talking about when I talk about loving these men enough, to go through the hard stuff too.

Verena -

I know this can't help much -- But it's very possible that when they are older, your DH's children will realize what happened to them and will want to have a relationship with their father. But I'm afraid there may be no avoiding the emotional harm their mother is putting them through...

Have you had a very frank talk with your lawyer about your chances for legal success?

If they're truly very slim, the children may actually be better off if you drop your legal action. That way, their mother won't feel so threatened and may relax the alienation tactics a bit, which would be a wonderful relief for the children. As it is, she's on constant high alert, and is spreading that fear to the children, building up their defenses, and arming them for a horrendous battle. Even if you 'win' visitation rights, or even custody, the damage would be terrible, and BioMom's war for "sole love" would continue unabated -- escalated even.

Your DH could write regular letters to the children - not mailing them, because they won't get through - but just to demonstrate he still remembers them and thinks of them and loves them so. Save them until the kids are older and he is able to re-make contact. Document the court battle, his grief, and, if you go this route, the decision to end the struggle in hopes that it makes life easier for the kids...

Such a heart-breaking situation --