I am from a divorced family as well..and I always took my suitcase with me where ever I went...In SD case when she was 4 and started going for overnight visits w BM we were informed to not pack her a suitcase, that they would provide everything for her when she was with them....we struggled with that becasue SD wanted to bring things from home like her blankie and favorite outfit etc... so we packed one anyways and they wouldn't let SD have it..stayed in the car all weekend..just lovely...ok sorry off topic.... I think kids should be able to bring back and forth whatever they want between homes within reason....I would tell BM please make sure the kids pack an overnight bag and I will personally make sure everything is returned at the end of the visit....and then stay on top of it and make sure everything gets returned...

one thought I have always had regarding gifts,clothes etc.. that she has received with her other family is that if she can't bring the things home with her..than whos stuff is it really hers or bio moms family?? Drives me nuts..good luck!!!

My brother and his ex buy separate clothes for their 4yo daughter. Her mom likes her to look frilly and stay very tidy. My brother likes to muck about and not worry about if his daughter has dirt on her clothes. Her mom wouldn't be very happy if she came home with grass stains on her white capris, so she changes into "Dad's house clothes" when she arrives at Dad's and then back into "Mom's house clothes" when it's time to go back.

As for A__, we keep a certain quantity of clothes here for him, but the clothes come and go with him, and it doesn't matter who buys them for him.
For instance, he needs a bunnyhug at our place (Saskatchewan word for hooded sweatshirt). So we bought him one, and then if he didn't show up with one, he doesn't leave with one. The one we bought is presently at GM's house, and the one that is here was originally purchased by BM, but it doesn't matter because we all buy him nice clothes that fit properly.
The one thing is that BM likes him in brand names and we don't, so we don't buy brand name logos for him and I think that bugs her a little. But it's not like she can complain about it and not seem like a crazy person, so she stay quiet on that one.

STBSS doesn't bring a bag when he comes to our house or goes to his mom's.

We buy clothes for over here, and his BM buys clothes at her house. It's really hard to keep them separate, though, because he will wear one thing over here, and then something else entirely back to her house.

As of now, he is 6, and doesn't really care what he wears--so my fiance and I try to make sure it isn't something we "care" about that he wears back to BM's. For example, I wouldn't send him to his mom's in something brand-new we had just bought him because chances are, it would be a long while before we would ever see it again.

When he was at Catholic school last year, my fiance bought him 4 pairs of pants, 4 polo shirts, and 3 sweatshirts. Those were shared between the two houses, but even so, with weekends, and days off, there were a few times that BM called and didn't have a pair of pants---or we called her because we didn't have a sweatshirt. You get the idea.

It's complicated.

I was nearly grown up when my parents divorced, so I didn't have the back and forth between houses. When I visited my dad, i'd bring my own clothes because I didn't go there on a regular basis.

I think if you have regular visitation, it's good for the child to have their own space and their own belongings at the NCP's house so they don't feel like they are just a visitor. To avoid conflict over taking each other's clothes, it's just easier to send them back in what they arrived in.

My SD lives with us during the school year and with her mom in the summer. All summer, she gets here on Friday and after she takes her shower, I do her laundry. That way, the clothes she came in are clean for when she goes back on Sunday. On Sunday, about an hour before she's picked up, she takes a shower and puts on the clean clothes from Friday. We haven't had ANY problems.

However, when she's with us for the school year, she's picked up on Friday's from school, wearing good school clothes. When we pick her up on Sunday, she is usually wearing ill fitting clothes that we didn't buy and we've lost many good outfits this way. Our solution was to buy some decent thrift store clothes that she can wear on Friday and accept that we may never see them again...

Keeping your own clothes there also can help avoid the wars over inappropriate clothing, etc. My SD has arrived in mini skirt that's too small and a tank top (her favorite outfit because she likes to dress sexy like mommy) and her dad gets upset that mom dresses her that way. (and it's not like you need to keep a whole wardrobe, just a few outfits will do)

Child support does not pay for everything and a portion of it is supposed to help with rent, utilities, food, clothing, health care, activities, etc. If you think about all the expenses to raising a child, it's astronomical. It may require a bigger house, a bigger car, more fuel to take them places, child care, time lost from work when they are sick, it goes on & on. That's why it's laughable when someone accuses a dad of wanting custody to get out of paying support. It costs so much more to raise a child than to pay support. (unless you are lucky enough to get a huge amount of support)

Interesting...

I also agree that kids should feel like they have their own belongings, and not have to be concious of if they're wearing "mom's shirt or dad's." However, I also struggle with "nice" things not being returned to our house. And BM has made it clear that she doesn't want to share anything with us.

She also has asked that we not wash the clothing that his "hers" because we "don't get it clean" and we don't "use organic laundry detergent." Seriously??? Anyway, I respect her wishes (hey less laundry for me!! Maybe she can start doing all of our laundry:), and separate "her" clothes afther the boys throw them in the hamper, and return them at the end of the visit, dirty, in a plastic bag.

I know as the boys get older they will want to bring things back and forth, and that is fine with us, but we'd like for it to be reciprocal. BM wants nothing to do with this arrangement. I also struggle with us buying them another set of clothing for our house, when my fiance pays what I consider to be an astronomical amount of child support (in excess of $1000/month). I always thought that was part of what this money is for. Am I wrong??

You are certainly right lovehadley, it is complicated!!

"I also struggle with us buying them another set of clothing for our house, when my fiance pays what I consider to be an astronomical amount of child support (in excess of $1000/month)."

Stefk18, seriously, that sounds pretty silly. You're buying them clothes FOR YOUR HOUSE. Do you also struggle with buying them food when they are at your house? If it's for use at your house, you pay for it. I don't mean to sound like a witch, but it's a stepmom complaining about paying for clothes that the kids will wear AT DAD'S HOUSE that gives SMs in general a bad rap.

Now, if you were paying for clothes that the boys kept and wore at their mother's house, that would be a different story ...

That's why I was asking for advice about SHARING clothes. Forgive me if my asking questions is giving SM's a bad rap. My experience as a SC was that mom bought clothes for us with child support, and we took the clothes with us to dads when we were there. I was simply trying to get feed back on if that was still the norm. Or if having two sets is standard.

This is a sensitive subject for me.

When the girls originally came to live with us they had NO clothes. Everything they had was hand me downs that were way too big or they were stained beyond repair. How a mother could dress such cute girls in such garbage is just beyonb, but anyway, we went out and dropped around 500.oo bucks on all the new clothes for the girls. Since the intial spree we have also tried to but them clothes every other week, including shoes under clothes and swimsuits.
Alot of this was out of my pocket since I'm the woman and I understand that little girls want to be cute and frilly. Dad's don't tend to get it:)

When they were going to moms we weren't getting outfits back and when we DID get them back they were badly stained. We finally made mom bring us a set of clothes to send them in and they were always to be sent BACK in the same set of clothes. They only stayed overnight once a week so it shouldn't of been this big of a problem but obviously mom couldn't handle the stress of being responsible for two sets of clothes. Psst. We were losing two outfits every week so basically they were being lost or destroyed as fast as we could buy them. The foot had to be put down.
We wound up making it so the girls couldn't bring toys over there as well. They werent coming back either and the girls would cry and whine untill the next weekend when they could get it back. It was just too much stress. We just told them no more taking toys to moms untill you are old enough to be responsible for your things. (They have a ton of junk over there already) We have a motto in our house "If it makes you cry, kiss it goodbye." It has saved us a ton of headaches.

When my son was little I used to pack a bag for him to go to his dads house. Most of the time I got all the clothes back. As he got older his dad started keeping clothes at his house for our son so there was no need to send him with stuff. In the last year my son outgrew clothes he had at his dads and his dad has been low on money so he had not bought him new clothes. My son started asking me if he could bring clothes with him so I let him start packing a bag to go there EOW and told him that it is his responsibility to make sure he brings his clothes back. He usually does and I help him pack so he brings clothes that are presentable but older and I do not care if they get stained or left there.

With my stepkids, when their mom lived in state, we did send them with clothes for a while. But the clothes would get left there and the kids would say their bm told them to leave them there so she could wash them. We would ask the bm for the clothes and get the run around and not see the clothes again till they barely fit the kids. Then she would send them home in them. If we even sent them there in a nice outfit she would keep it and return them in pajamas or clothes that were stained or did not fit.

When my ss was 3 and bm sent him home in a onsie that was so small it would not snap and purple pajama pants that were tight on him and looked like capris that was the last straw! I went to the thrift store and bought some cheap presentable clothes. The kids wore those there from then on. And if she picked them up from our house instead of school I would send them back in whatever ridiculous outfit she had sent them home in the previous time.

She actually complained one day about what they were wearing and said they were going somewhere. I just said well I am backed up on laundry and that is all they have right now...you sent them home in it last time so I figured you would want it back. She looked mad and complained to dh about it later. Oh well!

I do have a friend that's parenting agreement with her ex states that her children will bring clothes with to his home and that he will make sure they all get returned. They have had few problems and both live up to their end of the agreement.

OP, when you pick them up on Friday, bring an outfit you bought so they can change or have them change and fold their clothes nice and neat as soon as you get home. On Sunday, just before they go back, have them change into their folded clothes. Problem solved. BM gets her clothes back and you didn't wash them. Usually kids go home on Sunday evenings so they will likely wear them a couple of hours before getting changed for bed. If the clothes are soiled, it won't kill them to wear them until they get home. If BM complains, well she told you not to wash them and as long as you didn't dirty the clothes, she can complain to her kids about them getting too dirty.

Or it can continue to be an issue to battle over.

"she would keep it and return them in pajamas or clothes that were stained or did not fit."

OMG, I laughed at this. BM always sends STBSS in pajamas! It's better now that he is back in school and the pickups have all been at school; but previously, if my fiance picked him up on a Sat morning, he'd be in mismatched pjs. So annoying!

In fairness to BM, she complained a lot that HER clothes never got sent back, either.

This is probably really petty but one issue for us was that her clothes are so different from how we dress him. She buys rather inappropriate things IMO.

He came home from school last week wearing a t-shirt that says "BAD ASS" on it with a pic of a donkey. Come on, now. He is 6! I was shocked the school didn't take issue with it!

She dresses him in a lot of sweat pants/sweat shorts, and tank tops. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but if we are ever going straight somewhere from picking STBSS up (ie--out to dinner, etc) I ALWAYS bring a change of clothes for him b/c I know BM will have him underdressed/inappropriately.

My divorce papers clearly state that it is the responsibility of the person in possession of the child to provide everything the child needs. When DS was littler, I would send him with clothes because X didn't have a washer or dryer. Yeah, so okay, I gave in. But that was when he was at daycare. When he started school, X got a few outfits for him and we no longer send clothes back and forth. Oh, it is so much easier this way! X normally drops DS off at school on Mondays so he just washes what he wore on Friday and puts him back in that on Monday. The only time we have issues is with sports uniforms and gear. But we try to think ahead as best as possible so we don't have to meet up. For instance, if DS has a baseball game on Thursday and practice on Saturday, I'll give X the gear and cleats after Thursday's game and then wash his uniform that night and pack it in his backpack for Friday. That way I don't have to meet up with X before or DS doesn't have to go without his stuff if I'm late or can't be at practice (for whatever reason).

"I always thought that was part of what this money is for. Am I wrong??"

Yeah....I don't think CS should be used to provide dad's house with clothes.

To answer

My parents divorced when I was about 8 and my brother 5. My dad had to move three hours away to take a job and he and my mom met in the middle every other weekend to exchange us. We also went to him for every holiday and the entire summer, and we always, always brought a suitcase each with us. I packed all my own clothes and toiletries, and my mom had to supervise my brother's doing this basically until he was out of the house (LOL). I did not have any clothes at my dad's or any toiletries except random stuff that I didn't care if I saw but twice a month.

I know I have complained on another thread (or more), I think it was about socks, and custody disruptions due to distance, about BMs sending FSD9 and FSD5 without socks, long-sleeved shirts, etc. Once they came in the late winter/early spring with no coats (to the NE!) and but one pair of socks between them for TEN DAYS' VISIT. Considering she gets a couple of grand a month while BF is in a one bedroom apartment and tens of thousands in credit card debt from the divorce, it kind of chapped my a$$ that she expected him to drag them out and purchase more clothes, in the winter, using public transportation in the city as we have no car. They have clothes coming out of their ears at her place.

This issue used to put my DH over the edge EOW when his son went to visit BM. The kid would leave here in his finest duds but return in cruddy, crappy clothing. DH used to threaten (but never did) to buy his kid's clothing at the Salvation Army if he didn't start to bring home the good clothing we had bought him. Especially considering that BM didn't pay CS for the 4-1/2 years that my DH had full custody. And she never, never allowed the boy to bring anything "good" back to our house that she bought for him.

OTOH, my DD's father is a real tool. When she was only 3 or 4 years old, he told me he wasn't feeding her during his afternoon visitations because he paid CS to me to buy her food, and if I wanted her to eat, then I had to send food. So I used to pack her lunches. Needless to say, he never did get overnight or extended visitations with her. The nerve of some people!

"he told me he wasn't feeding her during his afternoon visitations because he paid CS to me to buy her food"

That takes the cake.... nice guy!!!

SD has limited clothing at her moms, so she usually takes things from here. I used to be on top of getting clothes back and sending mom clothes back to her when she was younger, but as SD is 13 now I've left it up to her. If she really wants those Hollister jeans for Friday but she left them at moms, tough. Same goes for something from mom's she wore here. Every month or two I will make SD go through her clothes here and pack up the stuff from moms and ask her to do the same there. I know there is a lot of stuff at mom's we have purchased, and even more that's gone over there and been 'lost', but I've gotten over that now. Now I'm more annoyed with all the clothes SD just HAS to have that are purchased Monday but are no longer cool on Wednesday and never get worn!

If its something "special" it stays here!! other than that it can go back and forth and if they don't have it and want it they have to remember to bring it back ... if they forget it oh well you get it next time you go to mom's.

The only thing we will bring if SS10 forgets is his inhaler. But I solved that problem we have a script for 2 at a time. He keeps one at school, one at mom's, and has one here plus one on him ... we paid out of pocket for the extras but worth it less aggrevation.

Mom buys stuff that she specifically keeps at her house...shoes dresses sneakers other stuff ... I am not that petty ... We just have a couple of "good outfits" that have to stay here ... because I was tired of chasing down the "dress shirt and pants" for special occasions and if they do have to wear it to mom's I usually go out and buy a new one rather than ask for it back.

SOCKS!!! that was huge issue with mom .... she called hubby just about daily about socks, she came to pick up the kids, I went out to the car got the new socks out of the car and when the kids walked out the door I handed them a trash bag full of kids socks must have been over 100 pairs in the bag. She actually called hubby to complain she had too many socks!!! He said good I don't have to get another phone call you don't have any!!

Her complaint ... she paid support she shouldn't have to buy them anything.

IMA as usual has good advice just send them home in what they came in ... Buy and keep clothes at your house.

"pick your battles" is this one you want to have for the next ______years!!

We had to send food with the girls a few times as well because mom would say she had nothing to feed them at her apartment. She stopped mentioning when Jonathan questioned whether or not they should be visiting a home that had, no food, snack or even drinks. The girls mentioned later that they had eaten "only fruit cocktail" at mom's house the night before. It was right around that time Jonathan stopped allowing them over to stay overnight.

Doodle ... I sent the kids with food for weeks because mom said she couldn't take the kids because she didn't have any food .... then they came home one day @ 3PM... saying they didn't eat today ...I asked why not I sent you with food (cereals, soups, crackers, bread, PB&J,and $5 for milk)... they said she didn't have any "clean" dishes .... so the next care package had dish soap in it and I spent that night teaching my oldest SS how to wash dishes.....

Mom called and actually told hubby she didn't feed the kids because she didn't have any clean dishes.... I think she was insulted when I sent the dish soap but oh well ... that was the last time they came home saying they didn't eat!!! Hubby told her feed your kids, wash your dishes, do what ever you have to but make sure you feed them or they won't be going again and also she wouldn't be getting anymore care packages.

Oh Psuedo....I know your pain there. I really do. We weren't even THAT nice. We just told her untill she had decent food in the house they couldn't stay over. They would eat breakfast and lunch with us, she would pick them up and then she'd HAVE to have them back before dinner.
She doesn't pay CS or daycare either so I don't get it. How expensive is a can of soup or Chef Boyardee for heaven's sakes? It didn't have to be steak and potatoes (however thats what they eat with us) for weeping out loud!

Honestly, I can't believe what I am reading. You all are sending food?????? I thought that was weird the first time I read it, but I guess it's more common than I thought. X has never asked me to pay for DS's food. I can't imagine not having some kind of food in the house to feed oneself, let alone the kids. I would let a credit card go back before I had to ask someone else to feed my kid. I am so sorry for all of you that have had to send food so your kids could visit their other parent!

I guess I should feel blessed that I have the statement in my papers so X can't think his CS pays for food while DS is at his place.

"It costs so much more to raise a child than to pay support. (unless you are lucky enough to get a huge amount of support)"

Child support is meant to HELP the custodial parent in paying for cost associated with the child. It is not meant to pay for everything for that child. I have to say it drives me nuts when moms think their child suport is not enough to pay for the child (what is enough anyway)! It is not meant to pay for the child completely it is meant to aid in paying for the child meaning you also have to pay for the child. You just cant have the joy of raising the kid and be completely off the hook for paying for it. Many, Many Many fathers want their children to live with them and it is not to save on child support. It is because they love their kids. It is a shame that so many moms see their kids as a cash cow.

"unless you are lucky enough to get a huge amount of support" that is one pathetic comment....

"Child support is meant to HELP the custodial parent in paying for cost associated with the child. It is not meant to pay for everything for that child. I have to say it drives me nuts when moms think their child suport is not enough to pay for the child (what is enough anyway)!"

I absolutely could not agree more!

Children are entitled to support from BOTH parents. Period.

""unless you are lucky enough to get a huge amount of support" that is one pathetic comment...."

What is pathetic about it? Since the following is the complete paragraph that I wrote, preceding that comment and basically says what you just said, why is that comment 'pathetic'?

"Child support does not pay for everything and a portion of it is supposed to help with rent, utilities, food, clothing, health care, activities, etc. If you think about all the expenses to raising a child, it's astronomical. It may require a bigger house, a bigger car, more fuel to take them places, child care, time lost from work when they are sick, it goes on & on. That's why it's laughable when someone accuses a dad of wanting custody to get out of paying support. It costs so much more to raise a child than to pay support. (unless you are lucky enough to get a huge amount of support)"

The point I made is pretty much exactly the same point you make, however there is an exception as there are some NCP's that do pay a huge amount of support to where the CP could comfortably support the child on it alone. If a CP does get a huge amount of support so they can support the kids without contributing/working, then I do consider that lucky. I don't think it's FAIR or right because they should be contributing, but they would be LUCKY.

(and I'm a custodial step mom that works and pays for the support of my step daughter (along with her dad) because her mom won't work or pay anything, even though she has been ordered to. I am also a (previous custodial) bio mom that raised three kids without receiving regular support and was usually the sole support of my kids. (they are all over 18 and no longer are entitled to support, but two still live with me and I still support them too... ) Oh yeah, and my step daughter's mom that won't pay us a penny for her daughter, well she gets over $1200 for her older daughter and her older daughter doesn't even live with her. (she lives with grandma) I think she's pretty lucky her older daughter's father either doesn't know or doesn't care because she has lived off that money for the last 12 years and has never had a real job. So, her sole income is support she gets from husband #1. (and of course her current BF who has told her to get a job, but so far she hasn't.)

In my state, CS is meant to provide the child with equivalent life style at each home. If the dad makes a lot more, that will be a driver.

"In my state, CS is meant to provide the child with equivalent life style at each home."

Yeah, but that's really not always possible, especially considering that child support ordered can never be MORE than a certain percentage of one's income. I want to say in this state it is not more than 30%, if even that high.

I think it is ALWAYS up to the BM (or BD, if he is the one receiving child support) to do THEIR part to ensure child has a good lifestyle, as well. I have NO sympathy for a BM that sits around and refuses to help herself and her child, but then whines that her ex doesn't pay enough. If he is paying what the courts ordered, then he is paying enough. BM might not like that or think it's fair but that's TOO BAD.

I would have more sympathy for a BM that works, and still struggles than for one who doesn't work and doesn't contribute to her own child's support.

Well I mostly think it is pathetic because you refer to one who gets a lot of CS as "lucky" like they won the lottery or something. You follow it up by saying this...

"The point I made is pretty much exactly the same point you make, however there is an exception as there are some NCP's that do pay a huge amount of support to where the CP could comfortably support the child on it alone. If a CP does get a huge amount of support so they can support the kids without contributing/working, then I do consider that lucky. I don't think it's FAIR or right because they should be contributing, but they would be LUCKY."

Which is equally as pathetic. The fact that one parent is lucky enough to be the CP and then just sits home while the NCP does not get full custody, but has to go to work and hand over their paycheck because the other parent is too lazy to work also because they get enough CS to do it is insanely lame and pathetic. As someone who pays childsupport I would expect to you to understand that it is not lucky it is LAZY and PATHETIC. Childsupport is based on the difference of incomes of the parents and is a percentage. If one does not work and one does that drastically changes the childsupport that the NCP has to pay and that is absolutely LAME!!!!!!!!!! PS we are not saying the same thing.

well, at least you're not bitter.

I am lucky enough to be the custodial parent that got nothing in the way of real support (I couldn't fill my gas tank with my biggest child support check) and I worked my ass off to support my kids, sometimes more than one job.

I am also lucky enough to be married to a father that was lucky enough to have a child with a woman that apparently wasn't cut out to be a mom and dropped her kids for the flavor of the week BF. She doesn't work or pay support, we both do that.

Lazy and Pathetic... okay. My children's fathers are lazy and pathetic. My step daughter's mom is lazy and pathetic.

A mom that is raising her child is not lazy or pathetic, unless she is a neglectful parent. If you have been on this site more than a day, you may know that I have repeatedly said that children are entitled to be supported by BOTH parents. However, if dad is a millionaire and pays thousands a month and mom can live on that without getting a job, she still has a job in raising her child(ren). (or vice versa, ie. Kevin Federline) She is not sitting home doing nothing. On the other hand, my step daughter's mom lives off the child support she gets for her older daughter (who she has full custody of but she left her living with grandma) and doesn't work. Now, she is a CP that is lazy and pathetic. [technically, is she really CP if her kid doesn't live with her?]

and are you a mom to 1 and step mom to 2.... or are you keeping score of something?

and i also think if the NCP is paying what the courts ordered through proper calculations, then NEITHER party has the right to complain that it's too much or too little. It is what it is and deal with it.

BM was ordered to pay us $216 a month (not nearly close to half of what we spend on her) and hasn't paid a dime. I think DH has a right to complain just a little because it was based on false information that she provided the court. She lied about her income, never brought in proof and failed to show up for the last hearing, where the court only used $1200 a month earnings, which is less than minimum wage. If they had imputed income, they would have imputed full time minimum wage to her which they should have done since she failed to provide any proof. But, it is what it is and we both work and support his daughter. [BM however, just got notification from DCSS and is livid that DH opened a case to let them collect. DCSS will suspend her license if she doesn't pay]

I have no problem with child support at all!!! I believe that if you make a baby you better step up and help regardless of the situation.

When I speak of the CP not working and collecting CS I am not talking about my personal situation with the BM. I am merely talking of other situations that I have seen. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this subject. I personally feel that it is unfair that a CP can live soley off of CS as that would be more than CS and would be more like CS and alimony. A CP may not be lazy and pathetic for raising her kids, but if she is using her child support to support the whole family then she definitely isn't an upstanding person in my book. If the courts intended the parent to stay home and collect CS and not work then it would be called something besdies CHILD SUPPORT and would be called something like FAMILY SUPPORT.

Also,I have been on this board for more than a day and look at it often enough to have seen many posts, yours as well. So, I guess I did not realize I had to be a seasoned "veteran" of this board in order to weigh in on a subject and disagree with someone.

I especially liked your detailed account of your own personal experiences and wonder who here is the bitter one????

"and are you a mom to 1 and step mom to 2.... or are you keeping score of something?"

For your information, and not that it is any of your business, I am the mom of one and the sm of 1. How I derived my screen name is not important.

well, at least you're not bitter.
I am lucky enough to be the custodial parent that got nothing in the way of real support (I couldn't fill my gas tank with my biggest child support check) and I worked my ass off to support my kids, sometimes more than one job.

"I am also lucky enough to be married to a father that was lucky enough to have a child with a woman that apparently wasn't cut out to be a mom and dropped her kids for the flavor of the week BF. She doesn't work or pay support, we both do that."

Who exactly is lucky here you,your husband, or the kids who know there mom doesn't care? I guess I think that it is sad that these young people, while I am sure are greatly loved by you and your husband, have to go through life wondering why their mom doesn't care! To me it is sad not lucky. Have a nice day.

"I guess I think that it is sad that these young people, while I am sure are greatly loved by you and your husband, have to go through life wondering why their mom doesn't care!"

Except my SD, I AM THEIR MOM. Yes, it is sad when a parent doesn't care and doesn't take care of their responsibility. But, I HAVE lived up to mine and even though my children's other parent didn't, I am far from bitter. (Don't know where you get that!)

But, this thread isn't about child support and it's been hijacked long enough. I want to apologize to stefk18 for that. Nothing in either of your last two posts have anything to do with sharing children's clothing, so why would you make the subject line "more on sharing clothes"?

Stepkids always bring their suitcase. We have clothes for them here in case their mother doesn't pack underwear or she sends the ripped wearmedown clothes.
She tried once several years ago to not ship clothes but CS is clearly calculated with clothes. So my DH told her, stop the clothes, and i will take you to court to cut down CS and that is a 100% guarentee.
We never heard from biom again on the topic.
CS does calculate clothes but this depends on how custody is split. If you have 50 50, then there is no CS and both parents are expected to pay for the kids clothes. I would also expect the clothes to go back and forth between the household cause with 50 50 split the clothes should go wherever the kids go and it should n't matter who cleans them.
BUt in my case the mother has 100% custody. They come EOW and they bring their suitcase. And we only buy clothes at birthdays or christmas. We do not provide other than that because CS is calculated to pay for it. Andif biomom doesn't buy we cannot control that. We have other expenses in our household and if she wants her kids to wear tear up clothes that is her bad not ours. Like i said, we have clothes here for when we go out so they'll look decent and not be embarassed.
They were pissed off at mom a few years ago for doing that. But that problem is fixed because the kids would nag her for new clothes. And they should! they have the right to have clothes , i'm not saying designer but hey! they should not go around with torn clothes and they know it!
I think clothes are the kids clothes and if they want to bring it back and forth they should be able to this without either parent saying, oh this piece of clothes stay here! Its awful to tell the kids, no you can't bring that to mommy's house! My SD mom would always do this. You can't bring that to dad's house and then my husband would start doing it in retaliation. I put a stop to it and told him to stop acting like his selfish exwife and to put the kids feelings. Its not fair to them to behave in such a manner!
But you know parents who's divorce in ugly, the kids suffer in so many ways and its sad. Even with clothes...so petty.

"Childsupport is based on the difference of incomes of the parents and is a percentage"

That is not always the case. Where I live, the CP's income isn't ever taken into consideration. There is a percentage based on the NCP's income only.

"CS does calculate clothes but this depends on how custody is split"

This is not always the case. We have a joint managing conservatorship with me being the CP. He has 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends with alternating holidays, Father's Day weekend and a month in the summer. Pretty standard in our state. Our papers specifically say:

"It is ordered that, during his respective periods of possession, ........, as parent joint managing conservator, shall have the following rights and duties: ...............2. the duty to support the child, including providing the child with clothing, food, shelter and medical and dental care not involving an invasive procedure;"

We had a similar experience to Doodleboo. The stepkids had no clothes when I moved in. I bought them new clothes, and they disappeared within a couple of weeks, never to be seen again. Same thing with shoes, boots, coats, umbrellas etc. Nothing we ever sent to the BM's ever came back. We tried to monitor things, but stuff kept disappearing. Then, we discovered that the kids were smuggling things out of the house in their backpacks. It was terrible because they were living with us more than half the time, and were always running out of clothes. Finally, after a few horrible mornings and weekends where the kids had nothing to wear, we implemented a completely separate stuff plan. They leave in what they arrive in (and we wash quickly). We have to check the backpacks before they go. We've had to use the same system for toys and other things or we'll lose the books, school supplies, lunchboxes etc. We do buy a few pairs of cheap mitts and hats for cold days and we do still lose the occasional set of gym clothes or a book. However, overall life is much better since we started keeping thing separate.

The best thing we did was adopt a strategy of drop offs and pick ups only at school or camp because BM was bringing them to the house half naked with no shoes on. The school won't let the kids spend the day in class without shoes and they'll send them home if they don't have proper outerwear. It's worked really well.

Stepof3- I feel ya. We had to draw the line because the girls LIVE with us and was just visiting her one day a week but we were losing outfits as fast as we could buy them. It was ridiculous. We didn't want the girls to be NAKED over here so the line had to be drawn....lol.

lol, BM picks up SD from school (in nice school clothes) and we pick her up on Sunday, she's usually dressed in cut off shorts or jeans with holes that don't fit, no socks and looking like she hadn't showered all weekend.

At the beginning of last school year, BM was still living with her mom. BM sent her in ratty clothes and flip flops. On the day BM was getting her back, we sent her to school in the clothes BM had put her in and as soon as school let out, DH got a call from BM's mother. "How dare you send my granddaughter to school dressed like this!!!" DH told her, 'that is what her mom sent her in.' The next week, BM sent her in somewhat decent clothes (they were 'trashy' looking but clean and not torn) and sent DH a picture text with a note that HE BETTER NOT SEND HER BACK IN TORN CLOTHES. She always goes back in what she comes in, unless she can't. (we refuse to send her in some of the 'slutty' looking clothes or stuff that is two sizes too small or against the school dress code) Then we have backup thrift store duds that are decent enough. DH is actually hoping BM will agree to pick her up from the house this year so he can have her change out of her school clothes first.

and the funny part (not really funny at all) is that on Fridays when SD was going to her mom's, she'd pack stuff in her backpack to sneak. It was a little funny that it was so obvious that on Friday's, she'd leave her backpack in her room until it was time to leave for the bus but on every other day, she'd put it on the coffee table by the front door. So, we also had to do backpack inspections or we'd have no idea what she was taking.

We should have an online registry for stuff stolen from stepparents! The younger stepdaughter also used to keep her backpack in her bedroom and hustle it quickly out the door. However, it wasn't just the night before going to the BM's. She was stuffing it on other nights as well and leaving the stuff at school. Not surprisingly, the BM cleaned out her locker a week before school ended.

Now we do inspections. My husband has to do it every morning and he keeps a list of what the stepkids have with them. On days that they goes to the BM's, we sometimes have to put the backpacks in the car ourselves while they're getting ready in the morning to prevent a little last minute "stuffing".

The problem got a bit better when we switched to two weeks at each house. Fewer opportunities for stealing meant that less stuff disappeared. Also, the BM couldn't rely on the stuff that the kids managed to steal for two weeks so she had to do a little shopping herself.

How sad that the kids are seen as "stealing". I completely understand the frustration with buying nice things for them and then having them disappear, but what are the kids going through?

As for sharing clothes, I would do a lot of shopping at second hand stores for everyday clothes. Send the child only in clothes you wouldn't miss. Have discussions about things that are to stay at your house, and things that the child is responsible for taking care of themselves.

The suggestion to send the child back in the same clothes is a good one.

My ex constantly gives me trouble about my daughter's clothes. He spends $50 on a dress for her without thinking about it. Last time I sent her he said none of her clothes fit and he had to go out and buy all new ones. Funny, because when she came back they still fit. Yes, she was growing out of them, but I have boxes of clothes waiting for her to grow into and she was between sizes, so should I send her in clothes that are getting too small, or in clothes that are falling off her behind?

stemomofthree how can someone send kids with no shoes on? how do they even walk to the car with no shoes unless they are babies?

FD, my SD's mom tried sending her with no shoes a couple of weeks ago. She's tried sending her in flip flops in winter. We have to tell her to go put on some shoes. Then she comes back with shoes and no socks.

With the flip flops: Her mom picks her up at school. She has on her school shoes. We pick her up in flip flops and she can't wear the flip flops to school, so we have to go buy her shoes for school. Mom ends up with her school shoes. In 2nd grade, we lost 3 pair of shoes in one year. In 3rd grade, we sent her to school on Friday with her play shoes. She left them at her mom's ONCE. She couldn't go out and play until she got them back. She never forgot to bring them back again. (her mom lives 3 hours away so it's not like she can drop them off) I don't know what her mom does with all her shoes because she is always in flip flops at her mom's house. Maybe it's just to frustrate us or make us spend money to buy new ones. Who knows? But, some mom's will send their kids bare foot if they can get away with it.

"stemomofthree how can someone send kids with no shoes on? how do they even walk to the car with no shoes unless they are babies?"

Oh believe me, it happens. MANY times my fiance has picked his son up at BM's house and he has no shoes on, or only socks. Now, part of this is my fiance's fault, usually he would just pick him up and carry him to the car. (A lot of this when he was younger, 2, or 3, or 4.) Ever since he started school, most of the transitions are done at school now.

Trust me, though, it happens.

Bm is also the QUEEN of sending him to our house in ratty too-short sweatpants and undershirts, or pajamas.

FD - we actually have a name for it in our house. We call it "the Shoe Game". It's a constant struggle and we have no idea what she does with the mountains of shoes she collects. I suspect that the BM actually wears the shoes that are supposed to belong to my stepdaughter because they're roughly the same size.

We lost several pairs of shoes and boots before we finally stopped it. They wear adult sizes so it cost an absolute fortune. Yes - she used to drop the kids off at our house barefoot so they must have walked to the car that way. She used the flip flop switch for shoes game that happened to imamommy. One time, the BM called us on the cell and said she had been called into work early and would need to drop the kids off ASAP. We were at a Hallowe'en party (read - end of October so it was cold here in Canada). And yes, they were dumped off barefoot - holding the dog! Maybe they were supposed to warm their feet in dog fur!

The BM also takes their school shoes from their lockers at school. We finally cracked down like imamommy when my stepdaughter tried to take her last pair of play shoes to school to replace her "missing" school shoes. We told her that she could go sockfoot all day or call her mom and tell her to drop the shoes back at school. She went sockfoot that day - but the shoes were returned the following day.

We learned from that experience that the kids have been trained to get stuff from our house rather than ask the BM to return things. They will always try to take stuff from our house first. But, if we stand firm, they will get their stuff back. It's not easy though.

About the "second hand store" idea. I used to do that and it worked well until the kids got to be about 11. Then they started getting self conscious about their clothes at school. I don't blame them. They won't wear the second hand stuff anymore, at our house or at the BM's. They use their own money to buy clothes for use at the BM's house (they have quite a few relatives on the BM's side who give cash for birthdays and Christmas). I buy their clothes for our house. But, we really need to keep our clothes separate. We've had a million discussions about what stays at our house and what they're responsible for. It just doesn't work. Every good message we give is countered by strong training at BM's to take everything they can. Therefore we have to be very vigilant - or we'll be back to kids with no underpants in no time!

my husbands divorce papers do not detail possesions....et ..etec...His is clear. CS is done by a calculation according to his salary. They calculate food, clothes and a % of the cost of them staying at moms. She has full custody. So he pays according to the formula. As well, medical and dental is clearly written that she has them under her insurance and that she claims them as well 100%. She also gets all the governemnt assistant cash. Its two provinces..she has two kids..so that is well over 600$ per month until they are 18 years of age.
So no, my husband doesn't pay meds, its covered by her, he doesn't pay clothes extra, its calculated. He pays for extra curricular activities 50% and equipment when needed. He is not forced to pay it. His contract stipulates that he must agree to it with his ex. If he doenst agree to a sport or its too high for him to pay it then he doesn't and its in dispute. She can take him to court over it. But you see that will cost her and him. She doesn't want to go that way. Most of the time its bluff.
My SKIds have loads of clothes either way. They bring them back and forth and i wash them as well.