I dont think it ranks up there with child abuse, but I wouldnt treat like my child that, especially in public. I wouldnt like someone telling me to go away, especially in public. If you want a polite child, be a polite parent. You can hold adult talk for when the children arent there. This was supposed to be a "family" party, not an adults only party. If there is something urgent to be discussed, you can say to child, I have to speak to Aunt so and so, for [half-hour?] and then we can [do whatever, go for ice cream, play a game with the others). In a few short years, these children will be teenagers, and wont want to spend time with you.

This reminds me of a funny story. DH and I had our youngest 3 kids at a family fest in our town a couple of months ago. My 7 and 12 year old kept running ahead of us and he was trying to keep up with them. I was strolling along with the baby a little ways behind him. Now, mind you, my DH DOES NOT DISCIPLINE AT ALL. He is the biggest push over. But, he has a low booming voice, so he hollers at our kids..HEY GET BACK HERE. (Of course they didn't listen lol). Anyway, these 2 ladies were passing by him towards me and they did not realize we were together. (There is a 20 year age difference so it happens sometimes). So, this one lady says to her friend.."Did you hear the way that man spoke to his kids...I feel so sorry for them...I bet they are abused terribly." I was CRACKING UP! He has never ever laid a hand on one of our kids, and they know they will never get in trouble with him. They know I am the "meanie" in the house. So, it just goes to show you that you can't judge someone's parenting skills on one incident or snippet. It depends on the family dynamics...maybe they joke like that. Like, my DH tells my kids to "shut their pie holes" when they are being noisy. They think he is hilarious. And they go into hysterics when he tells our 18 month old to "shut her little baby pie hole" when we are in the car and she practices her new screaming to the top of her lungs skills. I think it just depends on the family, and if they are otherwise good parents and the kids are well adjusted, I don't think it is a big deal.

If it doesn't matter, then why not be polite?

Had I been a guest, I would have thought less of anyone, parent or not, who spoke to another person like that.

Have you never said to your child(ren) when you were on the phone or something (busy).... go play? go be a kid? anything of the sort?

I guess it does depend on family dynamics ... I never thought less of my mother for telling me to go play in traffic... although there wasn't any traffic were we lived.

Unfortunate choice of words -- nothing more.

It does sound rude but sometimes it might mean inside joke that people use in the family, nothing abusive. Nobody else would understand. We have some inside jokes at home based on something other people would not get, it would sound awfule to others. But i guess when you are around others you sometimes have to watch what you say.

I am surprised to hear these comments from people who I seem to recall having commented earlier about stepchildren not showing respect for them. I know my mother was always polite with everyone, including her children. That is what I aspire to.

I guess its true

Its not what you say its how you say it.

I dont know about that, it is also a mom saying she doesnt want to be with her children. Like I said at first, if there was some specific, non-child conversation that was urgent, I would have communicated that AND when it is over, children can come back. I dont recall ever telling my DD to go away in a family meeting, even politely.

Some people are just far too serious and over... umm what is the word ridiculous ... dramatic.

I am not june cleaver ...nor are most. I have told my kids all kinds of things that some... if they walked in at the wrong time or didnt care to look past that one statement ... would construe (sp?) as wrong or rude or omg..

I have told my kids especially the boys that I am going to knock them out... and when you see that one statement you would think dear god... unless you heard the joke in the voice and the banter that goes on on a regular basis...
My kids have the worst habit of wanting to sit right on top of you when you are talking or just trying to sit and be cool especially in the florida heat and I too have told the kids to get lost, move it or lose it, step up off of me.... its not the words it the dynamics in the family and if they know what you mean and how you mean it...

When my SS calls me a jerk ... I start moving in jerky motions moving my arms and legs whole body just "jerking" it everywhere. It usually breaks the tension of the moment and we start laughing.

Cawfe,

On the one hand, it was an unfortunate choice of words as sweeby said. On the other, I think back to the way my g-parents and g-g-parents were raised: all that politically incorrect stuff (spankings, occasional harsh words we try to avoid for fear of damaging our children), and I wonder if they did things so wrong, how come the people they raised were productive members of society? None of them lived off of their parents well into adulthood, none of the expected their parents to bail them out of every jam, none expected their parents to fork over $ so they could pay CS, rent, or any luxuries they 'needed.'

I cringe when my kids misbehave in the check-out line and those w/o kids or one w/ an obedient single child turn around to see how I'll handle it, lol. I joke w/ my mother that we'd have been taken from her by HRS if they were out in full force as they are today, lol. It's a joke, but my brother and I knew the look from our mother that said we were walking on thin ice. She wasn't going to beat us or anything, lol, but she didn't care where we were or who was around if we acted up - there were consequences!

So, I'm torn here on your friend's words. Since the kids are great kids, I'd say the other busy bodies were too critical and we overanalyze everything. The tone in which she said it, and the fact that her kids never doubt her love for them, would be the most important factors. I'm sure her children know that if they really needed her...a conversation w/ the Queen would be abruptly ended. Period.

Dana

i agree.... I look back on the way that I was raised even (which by all standards was very old school and quite strict) and then I think about how when my daughter threw a temper tantrum in the middle of the store I was actually worried about how my reaction would be perceived by others... although I think the awareness of what goes on behind closed doors so to speak is a good thing in protection of the children... I think some over do it with all of this politically correct and self esteem poppers and all of that ...

personally, i never say things like I feel fat or stuff like that because i dont want my girls to be overly concerned with stuff like that ... but i seriously doubt saying get lost is an emotionally detrimental scar on their self esteems. If it is, there are bigger issues abound than that one statement.

I can remember and joke with my siblings about when we were young before we would get out of the car to go somewhere with my parents especially something like going over another persons home or to a crowded store my dad used to say you better be on your best behavior or your a** is grass and I'm the lawn mower

to this day I am not entirely sure what that means but we knew it wasnt good and we didnt test that theory... everyone used to say how well behaved we were and all of that ...it didnt do us any damage infact, as I said its a source of jokes now... like when all of us grown siblings are hanging out and my dad asks for something we say you better hurry up or your a** is grass etc etc

I think threats & name-calling do violence to people & to relationships, & I think that it shouldn't happen even in private.

but if people are going to insist on doing it, I'd like them not to do it in front of me.

"my mother was always polite with everyone, including her children. That is what I aspire to."

There ya go.

I read my SC what I refer to as "the riot act" before heading into anywhere where their behavior will be viewed by others. The market relatives any store. ... You will behave. We will not be running around screaming like banshees. We will stay with each other. We will use our manners. we will not cut people off by this point my SC are saying we know we know. Ok but remember what happens if we break these basic rules. We know we know ... we leave. I have not had to "leave" for a very long time. The last time we had to leave my SD was 6 she is now 8 she threw a tantrum in the middle of the market because she couldn't get a toy then ran off to get a cookie from the bakery. We left a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store and left. No goodies for anyone. For dinner that night we had PB&J. They haven't given me any problems since, thats when I started reading the "riot act".

BM was to take the children for one of her summer weeks but couldn't unless we bought her food. So I asked her to come to the market with me and the kids to get some stuff she wanted or whatever (I don't know what she likes to eat). She said "I am not ready to take them in public yet" they don't behave for me in public. I said I don't have any problems with them in public they behave or we go home. End of story.

Cawfe,

You seem to delight in being tough on your stepchildren. It is disconcerting to me. But you think it is OK for parents to be mean or disrespectful to children?

They had no discipline at all... none there were not any rules or consequences in this house. They did whatever they wanted whenever they wanted ... I do not delight in being tough on them. But I do take delight on how much they have changed and how they have responded to structure and discipline. They know there are consequences for your actions. Good or bad still consequences.

What is a normal bedtime for a 6, 7 and 9 yr old? When I first starting dating hubby they were up til 11 each night he was afraid to be the "bad guy" mommy walked out on them. She believed in the family bed the children slept with her they still do at her house only one bed. So they wouldn't go to bed until daddy did. The now 11 yr old would be up til 2 am and then back up at 5:30 between anxiety and insomnia. He is now in bed at 9 and asleep by 10 still up at 5:30. The younger 2 are in bed by 8:30 asleep by 9:30.

We would go into stores and they would take off on him. his response "if I am spending money in this store they can put up with my kids running around" ... then I will not be going to stores with you.

They used to get in trouble at school weekly if not daily ... no consequences for their actions no one wanted to discipline them for their bad behavior poor things their parents were divorced. How many first graders and kindergarteners do you know that stayed behind because of being suspended too many times from school? How many times a week should you pick up a child who has to stay after for behavior? behaviors like throwing tantrums spitting hitting.

They are much better behaved than they used to be. Yes I am tough on them but so will the world. The real world will not coddle bad behavior. They have come along way. I did the same with my own children from a much younger age so by the time they were 8,9, 11 they knew the "rules".

I have not read one thing that cawfe has said or done that I myself wouldnt do ... except maybe that she takes more crap than I think I have in myself to take. I think that what she has done and is doing for her step kids is a wonderful thing and not something many people no matter how much they may care about those kids would have been able to do. I do not think that she delights in being tough on her step kids. I dont think anyone enjoys having to be the tough guy or the bad guy especially when you dont have that built in your my mommy I love you ... but it is what needs to be done for best interests of the kids... and I would rather be the bad guy and know that the children in my life are going to succeed in life than watch them spiral downward.

And, I dont think she ever said it was okay to be mean and disrespectful of children and besides I think most would have to agree to disagree on this particular subject. Because while one family may joke, play, and banter in this fashion, other families do not. It is no better or worse it is just different.

Thanks mom of 4 I really don't have it so bad. They are overall good kids they have their moments but we deal with the moments accordingly.

For every rule there is a consequence good or bad still a consequence. Brush your teeth = (good consequnce) good breath and healthy teeth (bad consequence) bad breath and tooth decay.

I am not embarrassed to bring them anywhere anymore (their mother is) ... I know they will "act" accordingly ... yes they have their moments but don't we all?

I am with my SC from 7 am to atleat 5 pm 5 days a week. Mom picks them up sunday and thursday nights (after dinner) and drops them off at 8am on mon. and fri (without breakfast). "Hi I didn't feed them breakfast but I gave them a vitamin! I said...a vitamin isn't a substitute for a meal its a supplement" If you are not feeding them the vitamin won't do any good.

How long should I sit back and say ... not my kids, not my fault, wait til your father gets home? How long can I go blameless in their actions? If I am spending the majority of the time with them how they behave reflects on me correct? Lead by example.

Everyone sees things differently, but they way you constantly talk about disclipining children -- it seems you take joy in the process.

You have said that mother is less than competent, father is away and you have disengaged. Maybe the children are behaiving out of fear there is no where else to go.

And as to lead by example -- if you had to ask people what there thoughts were on your friend telling kids to go away, I have questions.

I am certain you are every SMs example of a successful SM -- you get to be SAHM to school age children. And before you tell me how rough your summer is, they will be back at school soon. I wished I could have been SAHM. MY DD wishes I could have been. We both resent that Dad's GF doesnt work.

There's a big difference between 'discipline' and 'punishment' --

And yes, enforcing 'discipline' can be a very good thing. It's a big part of being a good parent, and Cawfe is being a good parent by enforcing discipline.

There's good reason to be pleased with that -- it's working.

Haven't had a bad summer at all... We have gone on "field trips" we have done many many things ... Its been a great summer ... I was thinking the other day wow they go back in 4 weeks ... and planned a few more outings before they go back. :-) All free or cheap but still fun. Even tagged along some of their friends whose parents had to work.

And far as my friend telling her children to go away.... Can you control what others are saying? I can stop myself when my SC and BC are around but what is going to stop another from continuing their conversation. What if its something I didn't want them to hear but it was ok for their children to hear.

I don't discipline I just enforce the rules.

Really wasn't a choice about being a SAHM. Daycare for 3 children is outrageous even an afterschool program. Rather than dish out equivalent to my take home pay for daycare I quit my job. Either way we would be out close to $400 a weekif they went to daycare.

My step DGS was much like Cawfe's when he came to us as a 9 year old nearly four years ago. Everyone thought he was retarded (not) and he got away with everything by acting stupid or being mean. At school he threw books, desks, hit, bit, etc. several times a day. He wouldn't eat anything unless it came from a McD's or KFC label. We took him out for dinner at a fairly nice restaurant and he wouldn't eat his hamburger and fries. He ran off in big department stores. He wouldn't come out of his room to eat, play, or do chores. He refused to do schoolwork or listen when we read to him which was required for school.

He spent lots of time in time out, lost tv and electronic game privileges each time he did that. Then when it didn't get a lot better, the tv and games were gone during the week and could only be "earned" by having a good week at school. And I even spanked him once last year when I came home to find he had played with matches and burned some paper and my new couch. He could have killed himself!

Other than that time, he has been a whole different child and is less angry and demanding. He eats everything put in front of him and tells me I am a great "cooker". It was discipline and consistency that has turned him around otherwise he would have ended up in a juvenile detention facility at 10 like his older brother.

No one in their right mind wants to have to constantly discipline children. Cawfe took over a BAD situation and turned it around. How? By saying what she means and meaning what she says. That's parenting 101 and something far too many parents are afraid to do.

I've never seen any delight in her posts, either, concerning this issue. I think that when asked, she gives the short-cut, simplest examples of how she has dealt w/ inappropriate behavior and nipped it in the bud! Yes, kids to need to know there are consequences!

Also, BM made a pretty lousy bed and doesn't want to lay in it. It appears she hasn't the drive to parent these kids or deal w/ the poor aspects of what she created - not that she's not quick to criticize Cawfe - some nerve!

Anyway, I think the kids enjoy Cawfe's boundaries - most do look for limits. Remember when BM took them for a few days in May or June and the kids were worried she wouldn't have food for them? Cawfe had to reassure them each step of the way...she must be doing something right!

Dana

I thought I posted on this one last night guess it got lost in the shuffle.

But thank you vista I forgot about that weekend too... They went to her house the second week of july left on saturday night came home next saturday morning... Hubby had to only console them twice during the week ... We took them out for dinner on tues and thurs. He had not been with out them for that long since 2001 when he was in the hospital for 10 days having surgery. And then was with them everyday for the next 4 years. Had back surgery was laid up for 3 years afterwards. When he did return to work it was only while they were in school if not in school he didn't work.

What I find funny... Is when the kids were acting up at her house she was the one calling me to enforce discipline them but has the "nerve" to say I am to blame. Do what your mother says or you will be punished. I have stopped doing that. Deal with it yourself.