Do you think it's easier...

15 years ago

...to be a stepmother (or SF) if you don't have children of your own? Or if your children are grown and/or out of the house?

Why or why not?

Comments (7)

jen288
15 years ago
No, no, NO! it is not easier! I think it's harder. You are presented with a whold different attitude from others. People seem to think that you have no clue about raising a child because you did not birth one of your own. You make sacrifices that will never be acknowleged.

And if I hear one more time "Well, you knew going into it that he had a child"....agggh!!!

Well HE knew going into it that I DIDN'T have a child... Think about it!

It's a thankless position. And there are days when I question am I strong enough and is my love for this man strong enough to make this work.

Although my BF is a wonderful father and he never expects me to do ANYTHING for SD7... It is very hard for him to undersatnd the raw emotion it brings on. I am 39 years old and I just may have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a child of my own. And can I find enough love in my heart for a child that was created with someone else?
Vivian Kaufman
15 years ago
It's never "easy" being stepmother, but yes I do have to agree that it is perhaps less challenging if you don't have children of your own. It's just one less dynamic involved--the "bio vs. step" dynamic.

....and I'm going to wholeheartedly disagree with Jen by saying that his having children ABSOLUTELY trumps my not having children. I would not have married a man with children if I was hesitant even for a moment that I would not love or care for those children, or that I didn't want them 100% involved in my life. It is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done and I am privileged to have them.

I will not have my own biological children, but I most certainly have children in the form of my stepkids, and they're more than I could EVER have hoped for...
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imamommy
15 years ago
I have my own biological children, but they are grown and his is young. I agree with vivian "I would not have married a man with children if I was hesitant even for a moment that I would not love or care for those children, or that I didn't want them 100% involved in my life." I love kids and was excited to have a young child in my life again, as I enjoyed the school age years with my kids. However, I was not expecting her mother to be so difficult in allowing me to have any sort of relationship with her daughter.

I don't think it is EVER easy, but I do think it can be rewarding, after lots and lots of work. But, not always.

Raising kids can be thankless, whether they are your own or someone else's. I think it is easier to be in a situation where both parents understand what they are bringing to the table and what the other is bringing. There has to be some sort of balance. When you have a family where one partner has children and the other doesn't, there's more opportunity for the childless partner to feel they are putting up with more. IF both partners have children, they generally should have to put up with as much BS as they bring. Lets face it, kids are demanding and sometimes difficult, nobody has perfect angels all the time.

I take a fair amount of crap in dealing with my stepdaughter's mom and my stepdaughter's attitude toward me because of things her mom tells her. At the same time, my husband deals with stuff my kids do. If one of us didn't have any kids, I would think it might be harder for that person. If they have children together, they also run the risk of favoritism. My sister married a guy that treated her son like his own, until she had another child by him. Then his child was the 'golden' boy and it wasn't fair. I'm not saying that always happens, but it's something to be sensitive to when a childless person gets together with a single parent. The children that are there first deserve to be considered and treated fairly, ALWAYS.
mom2emall
15 years ago
If I did not already have a child I do not think I would have dated a man with 3 kids. But because I had a child I was also looking for someone who had a child or children.

My experience with dating childless guys was that they tended to not understand my situation. They wanted me to be available to go out all the time and that just was not possible. They did not understand that I WANTED to be home with my child and only go out when my child went with his father EOW.

As far as it being easier, I think it is. I had experience being a mom and dealing with my ex, so I was not new to being around kids or dealing with ex's.

But no matter what I do not think that being a stepparent will ever be "easy". It requires a lot more of everything than being a parent and gets you a lot less recognition.
catlettuce
15 years ago
I don't think there is any easier way to do it period. It is just hard. If your very blessed to have a spouse that is supportive I think it can be very positive and rewarding but lots of hard work just like raising any kid.
justnotmartha
15 years ago
Gosh, I don't know. We got custody of my SD a month before our DS was born, so I really went from no full time kids to 2 at once. Prior to that we had a year of EOW that went well with SD, not so hot with mom.

I think our family works well because we are just a family. There is no yours and ours, steps and bios. They are just all our kids, and they are all subjected to the same rules, expectations, privileges and rewards. I think that gives a certain sense of stability and belonging to SD. At her moms she has a baby sister and they are not treated equally by step dad, his parents or mom. She feels that. She remarks often about how she belongs here and visits there because she does not feel she is a true part of the family, just her mother's first daughter.

So, I think if the kids are treated equally then having other kids has got to make being a step parent easier.
ceph
15 years ago
I think Jen has a point about the "he knew I didn't have a child" thing...
But my view of it is that ALL parties have to make some adjustments and be aware of the others' previous situations.
I knew that FDH had A__ when I got involved with him, so I put a LOT of thought into if I was ready for that and decided that I was willing to change my life to include A__.
However, FDH also knows that this has been a big adjustment for me and that there are times when I need to just be a couple and not a family. He accommodates that without slighting his son.
A__ knows that I love him and love having him around, but that sometimes I need a little quiet time where he leaves me alone. He probably doesn't understand that that's partly because I don't have kids of my own, but that's OK.

I don't know how it would be different if I had my own kids too... Other than that I think it would be harder for FDH ;)

Do you think it's easier...

Comments (7)

jen288

Vivian Kaufman

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