What are some custody agreements that have worked for you?

18 years ago

We met with our attorney yesterday and got an idea of where we are with the case. We are proceeding with asking for primary custody, and will do a deposition, subpoena-ing some of BM's medical records (ie--we know she was taken via ambulance to the ER with alcohol poisoning, etc.), any records of police response calls to any of her addresses, etc. We feel good about the case.

BUT our attorney also asked us to come up with a few schedules that we would consider if we do not end up with primary. As fo now, the GAL is recommending 50-50, which my fiance has had since his son was not quite 1.

Our first choice would be week to week. (Fri to Fri, Sun to Sun, or whatever.)

The schedule that the GAL is currently proposing is kind of weird.

We would have him: Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat, Sun

Bm would have him: Wed, Thurs

Then the following week BM would have him: Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat, Sun

And we would have him: Wed, Thurs

Our main concern with this is that it is a)confusing and b)with no set days, it would be difficult to schedule STBSS for any activities (sports, etc.) We would have that same issue with week by week, but we are willing to trade that for the longer stretches.

The first schedule my fiance and BM had was: Dad had Tues/Thurs nights, BM had Mon/Wed nights, and the weekends were split. One parent had Fri night, the other parent had Sat/Sun and then it would reverse the next weekend. ACK--so confusing!

Then mid-way through kinder, they switched to something that involved a little bit less moving for STBSS: BM had him Mon/Tues, Dad had him Wed/Thur. and the split weekends still continued.

What are some joint agreements that you have had success with? Why did they work? What agreements have you had that didn't work, and why?

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Comments (7)

imamommy
18 years ago
My husband did week on, week off. They used to do every 3 days but when she started school, it worked better to do the whole week. Friday to Friday.

When I came along and DH moved in with me, we found SD had a day of adjustment (attitude problem) and so he changed it to Thursday (also because she did Taekwondo with her mom on Thursday) so he picked her up from taekwondo Thursday nights for his week and I picked her up from school on Fridays. That gave me from after school until DH got home to spend time with her and it got rid of the attitude she had when he was picking her up on Thursday. It worked out well but the only problem that we had was with her school work. Her mom was doing her schoolwork on her weeks and after he told BM that he recognized the homework in BM's handwriting, after that when he picked her up, SD's homework for the week was not done and we'd have to get the whole packet done that night (and he got home a little later because of her taekwondo classes and the 45 minute drive) and that made Thursday night chaotic. Other than that, it worked out well. I would also think Sunday evening to Sunday evening would be good too. Then you don't have to deal with the transition on the weekend, but on the beginning of the week.
lovehadley
Original Author
18 years ago
Our attorney told us that week by week is not likely during the school year. I was pretty surprised to hear that. He said for children this young (6) they don't usually do a weekly transition.

We have a temp. week by week order right now, but that is only effective until court in Aug.
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MIStepMom thanks, you hit it right on the nail, my emotions are poring out over this forum for some help, I seem to not be asking for advice on how to deal with vindictive people the right way, soooo many are only seeing stepmoms side of things, but you see that there are more sides than the primary custodial's side. "And for goodness sake, stop worrying about yourself so much" What I do worry about is what my child is seeing happening between my exhusband-stepmom and I. and how this is truly affecting him, I worry that them being so vindictive is hurting my child, just as much as my move away. They really do act like my 11 year old doesnt know how they conversate with me,they act like them doing this doesnt affect him, BECAUSE ,they say, they've never done it in front of him. Really though, my child is smarter than they give him credit for, as most children are in tune to family relations, even if they dont know what to say or do about it. I know stepmom doesnt like when I call for my son, because this is how it goes, I ask hi is **** there, she says no he's out with his dad, I say politely, would you have him call me when they get back, she says sarcastically IF HE WANTS TO. This is what I'm asking help on, I mean why does she have to be so NASTY, when my child is with me for the summer, I know how important it is to talk to your child, so when they call and our child is out playing or in the shower etc. I simply say, sure I'll tell him you called and have him call you back......whats so hard about this! This is what I have to deal with in many other topics with them to. I dont see why they have to do this, is this helping our child, is this a good thing for him, is this kind of arguing going to be better for my child on a day to day or week to week basis, should I move close to him? I see so many children out there who have parents who fight over them, and to be honest my son is in a better place then them, even though he has to miss seeing me more often in order to have this somewhat peace, between his parents. I only gave up the arguing and fighting over my child, I didnt give up my child. I would love to be in dads and stepmoms shoes. The way they complain all the time that I dont do enough, seems to me like there saying its been a hassle for them to raise my child on a day to day basis, rather then a privalege! One other true example of why I feel they only want money from me and not wish to include me in my childs life: dad initially pays for all medical and sports fees, then mails me the receipts and I reimburse him half back. So one day I get a copy of a soccer kick-a-thon PLEDGE SHEET (not an actual receipt)with a note asking me to reimburse him half of his pledge, which was a measly $5 ! It's not the amount of money that bothers me so, it's the fact that dad didnt even consider informing me of a soccer kick-a-thon and ask me to make a pledge for our son....I would of loved to been asked to participate in my childs pledge....instead I get told what and when Im to pay for something and then they use, come on its for your son, its the least you can do, its only $5. I never paid it to this day, because for the first thing I wasnt included, and the second they demanded it from me, like it was part of his soccer fees, which a pledge is not part of the registration-uniforms-and gear fees. How would you feel if your ex does these kind of things to you all the time?
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imamommy
18 years ago
Where is his old school that he cannot go back to? Is it closer to mom or dad?
lovehadley
Original Author
18 years ago
His old school was right smack dab in the middle. About 10 miles from our house, 10 miles from BM.

Those were the days!

I picked him up everyday, but it worked out fine-I would leave work at 2:50, pick my DD up at 3:10, and arrive at STBSS's school right at the 3:30 dismissal. We were home by 4 at the very latest.

It really is a shame that the school didn't work out. If it had, we would not be having the school problems we are now.

I feel so bad for STBSS. The district his BM is in is year-round and they went back last week while we were on vacation. She started him today. BUT fiance's attorney is saying we should NOT take him, and should proceed ahead with the notion that he is starting school in OUR district in mid-August.

We haven't had him since last Friday--but he will be back at 8 am with us this Friday and the poor guy has got to be so confused with the school thing.

BM and her boyfriend are on a month-to-month lease and our attorney was going to talk with the GAL and tell him that to see if that would have any bearing on school district choice--since we own our home here and have no plans to move.

Praying we get some clarity and definitive answers soon...
imamommy
18 years ago
That's a excellent point. Has BM moved much? That might have some bearing on the stability issue. It would be different if he were in one school and you wanted to take him out and put him in your area. The Judge in DH's case wouldn't change SD's school because she had been there since K. BM's biggest argument in wanting custody is that her daughter went to school right down the street from her house and she'd been there three years, K-2. Of course, a week into 3rd grade, BM moved two counties away and gave SD to us, which meant she had to change schools anyway. She's moved once since moving away (in the same town) and there's little chance of her getting a court to give her custody now.
lovehadley
Original Author
18 years ago
This whole case has just blown up. Fiance and I are dumbfounded at how this GAL just doesn't seem to look at the cold hard facts.

BM has moved so many times! She lived in an apartment with her ex-boyfriend; then they rented a home together for a year and lived there. Then they broke up and she moved home with her parents for one month. Her parents tried to enforce some rules (no going out drinking, must have a JOB, silly things like that...haha.) So she lasted one month there and then moved into her current boyfriends' parents' house. YIKES. They lived there for a few months and then finally moved into the home they are currently renting--month by month.

My fiance owned his own home from the time he and BM broke up until he and I bought this home together. So he has moved ONCE in almost 6 years. BM has lived in 5 different places.

Going to make a new thread about legal issues.
ceph
18 years ago
Until now, we've mostly had A__ (FDH's 9yo son) at pretty random times, mostly on weekends... But now that we have a two adult household, we've had him for more regular times. We don't have a CA (I've been offline for a few weeks since you arrived LH, and it's a bit of a long story, but FDH isn't his son's BD)
This summer his mom has been working two doubles, two singles and then two days off... So we've had him for his mom's double shifts, which works out to about a third of the time. It's been working quite well for all the grown-ups in his life and A__ seems to like this system too.
I think A__ likes the 4:2 system because he's with his mom pretty much the whole time for her days off, and goes to GM's when she's at work. Then when he's with us, we can spend pretty much the whole time with him. He gets a lot of time with his parents this way.

Once school starts again, we'll talk about two main options:
1) Stick with us having him for his mom's doubles, so 4 days with BM, then 2 with us. Rinse and repeat.
or 2) We'd have him Thursday after school to Saturday late afternoon, then BM would have him for the rest.

We initially thought option 2 would be better, but this 4:2 thing is working REALLY well for everyone.

What are some custody agreements that have worked for you?

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What are some custody agreements that have worked for you?

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imamommy

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