Could it be that she decided to stay with her mother and just can't figure out how to tell you? The fact that she's wanting to spend every minute with her dad rather than her friends may be her way of trying to atone for not coming to live with him. Just a guess... I hate to say it but if it's causing her so much stress than maybe you should take the offer of her living with you off the table. In a nicer way of course. Sometimes we have to do things that don't work out the way we want them to (even if it's not fair for both her and her father) in order to give the children peace. Her mom would stop manipulating her and she would stop agonizing about it. Yup, the mom would win (grrrr!!) but at least this dilemma would end for the child.

Ugggh, tell me if I've lost my mind!!! Maybe I compromise too much!!!

You are right that it would stop the manipulation from her mom. But the problem at hand would still persist...she says she's 100% certain she wants to be here, but is "on the fence" because her mom's putting such a guilt trip on her. Had her mom put her own feelings/fears aside and given her daughter the support she was seeking, she wouldn't be "on the fence" I don't think. And only the dilemma of her mom making her feel bad would end. What wouldn't change is her strong feelings about wanting to be with her family and friends here. To me, it would just be giving up one bad feeling in exchange for another.

Thanks for your reply...and I don't think you've lost your mind. We are always interested in other's viewpoints...even when they're not quite in line with ours.

Bless you Nicksmom! You have your SD's best interests at heart and want to spare her the manipulation and pressure, and I think you're absolutely on the right track as far as telling her that the adults in her life will make those decisions (with her input) and that she shouldn't worry about it. My own son went through a similar ordeal, so I know where you're coming from.

At its most basic level, I'm assuming:
- You and your husband (BioDad) want her to come live with you for high school.
- BioMom wants her to stay with her.
- Daughter partly wants to try something new, wants to spend more time with her dad, doesn't want to disappoint her mom, doesn't want to leave her friends -- basically very mixed feelings, and positioned between a rock and a hard place.

I'd suggest that BioDad talk to BioMom and attempt to get her to see how poor Daughter is being squeezed and pressured, and feeling unhappy because she knows someone will be hurt by her decision. Then suggest that Mom and Dad jointly choose a child psychologist/counselor who will meet with both parents in one session, then with the daughter in a session or two or three to help her sort out her own feelings and form an opinion as to what's best for her. Then that both parents will meet with the counselor again to get (and abide by) his input.

Whichever way it ends up going - the pressure has to end, and your daughter's life will be better AFTER a definitive decision has been made.

sweeby~

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply.

Your assumptions are fairly correct:
- Of course we'd be delighted to have her here. BUT, we've made it clear to her that we DON'T want her to come here if she'd only be doing it out of a sense of obligation or because she thought dad (or I) would have hurt feelings if she didn't. We encouraged her to think about it very hard, weigh the options/pros & cons, etc. If, after much thought, she felt that this was the best place for her, then we would support that 100%. If she decided that mom's was the best place, we would support that 100%. She came to us with an extensive pro/con list and said she was 100% sure that she felt this was the best place for her for high school. We have said in no uncertain terms that it is not her responsibility to assure the happiness of her parents (bio or step).

-I'm sure biomom wants her to stay there, which is only natural. The problem lies in her motive(s). The only thing one can assume, based on what she's said to DSD is that her only thoughts on the subject are with regards to HER (mom's) feelings. That SHE'D be sad/lonely, etc if daughter left. Her exact words have been "I'm sure you wouldn't really want to leave me here with no kids" and "I know you won't do to me what your brother did". You cannot argue with DSD's reasons for coming here...siblings and grandparents here, best friends here, much better schools here, and she just wants to spend these high school years with dad. It's not, nor should it be, about who has less strict rules, etc. Nor is it a popularity contest.

- She is definitely between a rock and hard place for all the reasons you listed. She has said "I don't want to be the one to break my mom's heart...so I just want you guys to all figure it out and tell me where to go". She definitley wants to be "off the hook"...and who can blame her. She's at such a funny developmental place...very thoughtful in her reasoning, but still unable/unwilling to really stand up for herself.

I have discussed the idea of a psychologist/counselor being involved...mostly as an unbiased 3rd party...just someone she can use as a sounding board, who she doesn't have to worry about disappointing. Unfortunately, geograhic distance will prevent joint parent meetings, but we hope to have a "conference call" of sorts to start discussing these issues. My DH is pretty sure that mom will want both stepdad and me to be part of the discussion, as we've both been part of the picture for so long.

So, we press on. She's currently doing a Volleyball camp here for incoming freshman at the high school she will go to if she moves here. In a couple of weeks she will fly back to NC to try out for a competetive dance team there. So, as you can see from just those two things, she really is torn.

Keep her/us in your thoughts & prayers (if you're the praying kind).

Thanks

Well, volleyball camp has gone splendidly, to say the least. The coach essentially guaranteed DSD a spot on the team (if she's here). DSD decided to have the girls from volleyball camp over for a pool party at the end of the last day of camp (today). She likes making new friends and these girls were great. They all exchanged email/myspace/AIM screen-names/addresses. We also got a call from a dance studio today. They are sending her info about their competition team. We'll see....my DH hates to get his hopes up, as do I. But it sure will be nice if she is able to follow her heart and live here for HS.

Sounds like you're already doing exactly what I would do -- so all I can really do is offer my support and good wishes. Which you have, completely! I hope BioMom will be able to see that her motives are mainly selfish, and refrain from burdening her daughter with them...

I hope she can too! But I don't think that will happen without a candid discussion between mom & dad. I think if mom knew that we knew the things she was saying, she'd maybe be able to keep her guilt trips "in check". Maybe not....but I'd like to think so. Because in reality, she's a good mom who is just thinking with her heart...and her heart DOES hurt, I'm sure. I'm sure her intention IS to change her daughter's mind...but NOT to have made her daughter an anxious, nervous wreck. I have to believe that...for the sake of our ability to co-parent these wonderful kids.