MIStepMom thanks, you hit it right on the nail, my emotions are poring out over this forum for some help, I seem to not be asking for advice on how to deal with vindictive people the right way, soooo many are only seeing stepmoms side of things, but you see that there are more sides than the primary custodial's side. "And for goodness sake, stop worrying about yourself so much" What I do worry about is what my child is seeing happening between my exhusband-stepmom and I. and how this is truly affecting him, I worry that them being so vindictive is hurting my child, just as much as my move away. They really do act like my 11 year old doesnt know how they conversate with me,they act like them doing this doesnt affect him, BECAUSE ,they say, they've never done it in front of him. Really though, my child is smarter than they give him credit for, as most children are in tune to family relations, even if they dont know what to say or do about it. I know stepmom doesnt like when I call for my son, because this is how it goes, I ask hi is **** there, she says no he's out with his dad, I say politely, would you have him call me when they get back, she says sarcastically IF HE WANTS TO. This is what I'm asking help on, I mean why does she have to be so NASTY, when my child is with me for the summer, I know how important it is to talk to your child, so when they call and our child is out playing or in the shower etc. I simply say, sure I'll tell him you called and have him call you back......whats so hard about this! This is what I have to deal with in many other topics with them to. I dont see why they have to do this, is this helping our child, is this a good thing for him, is this kind of arguing going to be better for my child on a day to day or week to week basis, should I move close to him? I see so many children out there who have parents who fight over them, and to be honest my son is in a better place then them, even though he has to miss seeing me more often in order to have this somewhat peace, between his parents. I only gave up the arguing and fighting over my child, I didnt give up my child. I would love to be in dads and stepmoms shoes. The way they complain all the time that I dont do enough, seems to me like there saying its been a hassle for them to raise my child on a day to day basis, rather then a privalege! One other true example of why I feel they only want money from me and not wish to include me in my childs life: dad initially pays for all medical and sports fees, then mails me the receipts and I reimburse him half back. So one day I get a copy of a soccer kick-a-thon PLEDGE SHEET (not an actual receipt)with a note asking me to reimburse him half of his pledge, which was a measly $5 ! It's not the amount of money that bothers me so, it's the fact that dad didnt even consider informing me of a soccer kick-a-thon and ask me to make a pledge for our son....I would of loved to been asked to participate in my childs pledge....instead I get told what and when Im to pay for something and then they use, come on its for your son, its the least you can do, its only $5. I never paid it to this day, because for the first thing I wasnt included, and the second they demanded it from me, like it was part of his soccer fees, which a pledge is not part of the registration-uniforms-and gear fees. How would you feel if your ex does these kind of things to you all the time?

Hi, Mom of 3! I've got some suggestions, based on my experiences. First, your DH needs to get a set schedule with her, of one weekend per month, as the CO says. It either needs to be set dates or two weeks notice or something. If she refuses to agree to any particular schedule and wants to reserve the right to call at the last minute demanding to see her son, you're going to have to find the money to see an attorney and see what can be done about this. I know exactly what that is like; we've been through that exact thing, and BM will use this to torment you. You will find yourself unable to make plans for any weekend because you'll never know if BM will call to announce that she hasn't "gotten to" see her son and now wants to do so immediately. SS may need to see his mother - but he also needs stability and structure, and he should be able to make plans without knowing that they are always subject to last minute change due to his mother's whims. Secondly, your husband needs to stop talking to BM. Again, I know exactly what this is like. BM will use DH's attempts at co-parenting and maintaining a civil relationship to insinuate herself into your lives, to wreak havoc, to cause stress, to get attention - DH needs to just stop it. Obviously they must talk about SS - but he is all that they need to talk about, and if the conversation veers off of that topic into how much money you now have for gas, why the CO was unfair, how the CS is too much money and she's broke, how mean her new BF is, what's wrong with you, what's wrong with DH, what's wrong with the world, or anything else - DH needs to simply say "I've got to go now" and hang up. He does not need to justify, explain, excuse, elaborate or any other such thing to her anymore. He only needs to be civil and calm while discussing SS, and that's it. The longer any conversation lasts, the more BM will try to draw DH into an argument or dispute. Co-parenting does not mean that BM gets to rant and rave at you or DH at will and you are obligated to listen to her, or worse yet, respond. Third, I'd have a budget that does not include any CS that she is supposed to pay. If she actually sends some, that's a nice bonus - but I wouldn't be counting on it. Lastly, if she pulls some stupidity and does not return SS on time, call the police and file for an emergency hearing immediately. Don't let it go "this one time" - because it will happen again if you allow it too. You can make it through this. Your DH is now custodial parent. You now have a CO saying that she gets one weekend a month and pays CS. The status quo has changed and DH does not have to "work with her", or bend over backwards to accommodate her. He has to follow the CO, no more, no less.

"I feel for your SD because it must be crushing to have to relearn all over again that her mom does not care to be involved in her life. It seems that SDs will always give the BM the benefit of the doubt and will forgive and think they might actually come through this time, so it is like a fresh cut each time. SD wants BM to be if not involved at least more interested, and in our case, SD does not know where her rage comes from, but I know it is from not getting the attention from the one person she wants it from the most. I have told DH, I am here - I am the one doing the raising, disciplining, loving (as hard as that can be sometimes), but it does not matter because she needs her mom. Let me clarify, she needs who she wants her mom to be. Her mom talks a good game to SD but getting her to follow through is difficult." EXACTLY!!! Thank you mama22 for sharing. Sylvia~ DH & BM shared 50/50 custody without a court order until SD was in 2nd grade. During that year, BM threatened DH for the umpteenth time that she was going to take SD away & not let him see her because he didn't do what she wanted. I take the blame in sharing my experience in family law... I told him he has RIGHTS but without a court order, she very well could take SD & he had nothing to say he has a right to see her. So, after the third time she threatened him with that, he filed to get his rights on paper. She immediately filed for full custody & child support. (He didn't file anything for child support because if they both have 50/50, they are each supporting her the same... but the issue of support was brought by BM initially) She spent the duration of the battle (about 6 months) telling SD how "daddy is trying to take you away from me" and reassuring her that she won't let that happen. She tried to manipulate the therapist, got SD to tell the therapist that she really wanted to just live with BM... but then SD had no explanation of why. Then three weeks after their trial & DH getting his court order for 50/50, BM moved during DH's week & kinda dropped SD in his lap saying she couldn't take SD with her so she's gonna let him have her "temporarily" and that devastated SD. Within a few months, SD was telling classmates she was moving with BM & saying her goodbyes. BM was telling her how we took her away but that she was going to get her & she was going to go live there with BM. It was all lies. During the first year, BM canceled weekends which only made SD more emotionally upset. We would make plans to do fun stuff to keep her mind off it, but SD would spend the whole time talking about "if my mom was here ______" and though she was in counseling, she refused to open up. Instead, she said what she thought everyone wanted to hear. She got bad about lying to her second counselor, pretending everything in the world was fine... she doesn't NEED counseling. But, all along, BM has been the one keeping it alive. When she would come get SD, she would always (yes, every time) show up hours early & sign her out of school early. SD wasn't doing real well to begin with because of her emotional stuff dealing with BM moving away so suddenly. Finally DH told her she had to let SD finish the day in school because she is falling behind & needs to be there as much as possible. It wasn't convenient for BM to wait around so that's when BM started sending grandma to get her. That was three years ago. DH took BM to court a year later asking that only BM may pick up SD. Grandma was picking her up & taking her to BM (sometimes keeping her instead too) but BM was not giving her much attention, which caused the emotional problems to get worse... so DH figured if he got an order forcing BM to come get her, she would either drive up to get her (showing she cared) or cancel more time, which was kinda what we were hoping. We did not want to ask the court to cut off BM's time because all along, BM has been feeding SD lies that we are just trying to remove her from the picture & that would have seemed true if he tried to cut off BM's time. We've tried involving her in activities so she would rather be here than with BM... none of it has worked. BM has insisted all along, SD will eventually live there. I think SD stopped trying in school because she figured it doesn't matter because she's going to be leaving to go live with mom anyway. As long as BM continues to feed SD lies & false hope with promises, and as long as SD believes (or wants to believe) BM will follow through, it feels as if we are stuck. It seems like SD knows her mom is full of it, but she's not ready to admit it or face it. I think it has been a very slow process but seeing mom have another baby that not only gets to live with her, but since the baby is the string to holding on to the BF, BM appears to dote on him to SD (plus babies need all the attention too). Personally, I think BM schleps him off on others most of the time but doesn't want us to know that so she dotes on him around SD, which only makes things harder for her because she has struggled for years to get mom to pay attention to her & her mom, in trying to show us what a happy family she has with BF & baby, it's probably a knife through SD's heart each time. SD is realizing that BM is probably never going to seek custody of her and have her live there, especially now that they had to move from a fairly huge 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom mobile home. and Friday, SD saw that mom could care less what happens to her as far as school goes. I think SD knows that she won't be living with BM next year & BM says "I don't care if she has to repeat 6th grade again!" I mean, I don't always get along well with her & I do come across as harsh sometimes, but I care what happens to her. I think it's important for her to have an education & the biggest reason I am in favor of holding her back is because DH told her that if things don't improve, and if she keeps getting F's in multiple classes, he would have to hold her back because it indicates she is not ready to do more advanced work. But we don't WANT to see her held back, we want to see her work habits get better because each year, the assignments get harder. The bottom line is DH said it will happen if she continues to lie about finishing or turning in her work. She just admitted that she goes to a morning tutor class where she's supposed to bring questions about math & get an understanding so she can improve, she admitted she goes to the class & just sits there. Well, we all have been getting up an hour early twice a week for her to go so she can get help understanding math but her grade actually went down since she started it. We understand she has problems but she also needs to be at least trying, but she's been giving lip service and holding her back is a last resort. BM didn't want to discuss options to help her... so seeing her mom has an "I don't care" attitude, I'm getting hopeful she is going to come around. I saw something in her face I had never seen before and it just broke my heart. Another reason I think she and I have not been able to get along is that I think she knows that I don't believe or buy into her BS... she knows that I know what her mom is all about. I'm sure she knows much better because she is behind the scenes with her mom & hears her mom lying about stuff she knows about. She's now getting to the age where she's figuring out that mom lies to her the way she lies to everyone else. But, by no means have we been dragging BM into SD's life. Personally I think SD would be better off if BM would either step up or step off.. but this constant roller coaster she keeps her on is so hard on her. I don't know if that dynamic can be changed as long as SD fantasizes about living with her mom & BM keeps the dream alive with empty promises. We cannot financially afford to instigate a court proceeding to limit BM's contact, although it has been suggested that he seek supervised visits because of how BM discusses everything with SD. Me personally, I have been so frustrated I have welcomed the thought of SD going to live with her mom. AT least then she would see that it's not the fantasy that she has drummed up in her head. BM is focused on the new baby & trying to salvage her relationship with BF. I think deep down, SD knows it but still fantasizes that it would be different if she just lived there. The worse part in SD's situation is that it's such a long heartbreaking process to go through... and she may never actually give up on the fantasy. We can only hope.

I thought all custody cases are sealed. Is this only where I live? I thought the idea was to protect the children. If the judge had showed bias in the past, I would have thought there would have been complaints. My guess is this is very difficult to prove, and where I live it is very hard to find out info on unproven complaints. Where I live, my understanding is that Judge will only speak to child alone where child has reprsentation (eg GAL). I could be wrong, and my guess is different everywhere. In any event, this is just a status meeting. If I were the mom, and I wanted to keep custody, I would insist on evaluations, GAL, etc. All this takes time. Time is on the mothers side. Even if child says she wants to move, my guess is judge is going to be a little nervous about moving child from school where she is doing well. He certainly wont want to see another hearing a year from now with child with Cs and Ds from Michigan school. If I were dad wanting custody, as difficult as it is, I would concentrate on what I can control. I would have a writtten plan in place as to child seeing mom over summers etc. I would try to reach some compromise re CS. I would consider presenting to her before everyone goes to referee. The referee can not make anyone compromise. He/she can only tell each party the weaknesses of their case, and suggest they compromise. The problem is mom may feel that she can not receive less than what dad is asking for, and that there no point in not dragging out proceedings.