You have to be married to be an adulterer. If your not married you are just a singledon messing around with a married person. It isn't right but the responsibility of the failed marriage lies on the married offender since it was their union to betray....not the TOW's or TOM's.

That's the hard facts. Nobody forced the married person to cheat on their spouse.

Is that where you were going with this IMA or did I miss the boat?

I agree, it is the responsibility of the married person. If I were to go out and have an affair with an unmarried man (and I'm married), I am the one committing adultery. The guy I have an affair with might be doing something morally questionable, but HE isn't committing adultery, I am.

JMO.

It's not really just an opinion. It's the bloody definition but I am sure someone will try to argue it none the less. Sigh. How can you deal with people who would LITERALLY argue with a dictionary? HAHAHAHA.

In Massachusetts, the law states:

"The crime of adultery in Massachusetts

Chapter 272, Section 14 provides that:

A married person who has sexual intercourse with a person not his spouse or an unmarried person who has sexual intercourse with a married person shall be guilty of adultery and shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for not more than three years or in jail for not more than two years or by a fine of not more than five hundred dollars."

http://www.massbar.org/for-attorneys/publications/section-review/2004/v6-n2/is-adultery-still-a-crime

The above referenced article also states that the Massachusetts statute has "fallen into a very comprehensive desuetude." In other words, the statute is basically no longer used or practiced.

Ima, Neither TOS nor I (and we are not the same person) would blame rape victims. And I think you know better.

Why people here defend a woman who would have an affair with a married man perplexes me. Especially a younger, prettier or richer one who actively pursues a man she knows to be married. It is easy to blame the first wife. But I would suggest a man who will trade in a wife for a younger, etc. model, will do it again. If not amoral, it is certainly making a difficult relationship (stepmother) much worse.

Doodle,

theotherside is outright saying that my husband, who was unmarried, committed adultery because he had a child in 1999 with his ex who is still legally married (they filed for divorce in 1996 and have lived apart since 1996, but I assume she hasn't finalized it because she is getting spousal support that would probably end when she does finalize it). While there may be outdated laws in some states that are not even enforced or most people are unaware of, my point is that the spouse has a responsibility to his or her spouse and the married person is guilty of cheating, not the person they cheat with. More often than not, the person they cheat with, doesn't even know they are married. Most women out there are looking for a guy to settle down with and marry, and would not get together with a guy that has a wife already. I know there are some that don't care and there are some that prefer married guys. They may be immoral if that's the case, but they are not the ones committing adultery... unless they are also married. (btw, my husband did not know that she was still married until they were living together. She's supposedly engaged to her current boyfriend that she lives with but still legally married to her first husband. It's not clear if he knows she is still married because she lies so much. She has gone by her maiden name since my husband has known her and she claims that she is divorced. In deposition, she claimed she was divorced until our attorney asked her point blank if it was final and she reluctantly admitted it hasn't been finalized. So, I think that unless the person is living with their spouse and the other woman knows this, the married person can lie and the person they are cheating with may be just as much a victim as the cheated on spouse. [I can't say for sure when my husband found out she was married but he didn't know before she moved in with him and when the relationship started to go south, she quickly became pregnant]

theotherside
If that is the case in your state, then why didn't you have your husband and/or the other woman prosecuted? Didn't you fight for your man?!?!?! (and your family)??? If you had a law that you could have used in your favor, why didn't you? With her in jail, don't you think your husband would have stayed with you? And wouldn't that have helped you in the settlement of your divorce if you proved he was an adulterer??? If it's such a serious crime where you live, he should have gone to jail or paid a fine.. did he???

My husband lives in CA and therefore, he isn't bound by the laws of YOUR state. Perhaps if you rephrase that to include "if he lived in Massachusetts....." then you might have an argument.

"Why people here defend a woman who would have an affair with a married man perplexes me."

Who is saying that? What has ANYONE said that defends a woman that has an affair with a married man? WHAT are you talking about? She may be immoral, but she is NOT the adulterer, unless she is married to someone.. (except apparently in some other states)

and I never implied that you or TOS would blame a rape victim. I said that in some cultures, that is what can happen. I was referring to the definition of adultery in wikipedia.

Here is a link that might be useful: wikipedia's definition of adultery

I don't know the law, but common sense tells me that adultery is committed by the one that is married. If the other person is single, they would not be. If my husband committed adultery, it would be him I went after not the other woman. She may not have known he was married and I would not hold her accountable.

Stargazer,

My Xs SO was a client of his (apparenlty now she cant find a job). She knew he was married and had a child. Does the word integrity mean anything?

To commit adultry you have to be married. Period.

If you are single and sleep with a married person you are not a person of great character, but by definiton you are not the one committing adultry.

But I guess in cases on here it is easier to blame TOM or TOW then blame the person your still lusting after.

Let me guess TOS/KKNY....

Your dh was just walking around the office one day and TOW tripped him, he fell, his pants unzipped, and he accidentaly had sex with TOW. It was her fault because she tripped him and knew he was married. He is not at fault because all he did was trip and fall.

That little analogy is just as funny as your defending your ex all the time and placing all blame on tow.

No, she kept asking him out for years. And for many years he said no. And yes she is a lot better looking than I am -- I dont deny it. She was married, left her DH when she knew she hooked my X.

I am not saying who is at fault. I am saying this woman has no integrity, and should not be trusted.

You are right, she has no integrity and should not be trusted, however at some point, your husband CHOSE to break his marital vow to you and gave in to her. He vowed to be faithful to you. She committed adultery against her husband, not you. Is her husband to blame your ex husband for her actions?

What ever happened to personal responsibility? She's guilty of her choices, he's guilty of his. We all come into contact with many people every day of our lives. If a man knows I'm married and propositions me, he's an immoral pig. If I go with him, I'm an adulterer. If I am a good wife, I will refuse his advances, no matter how great his body is, no matter how good looking he is, no matter how much money he has, and no matter what the problems might be in my marriage. If I'm a good person that is in an unhappy marriage and I'm tempted to find something else and my marriage is not salvageable, then the right thing to do is to end my marriage BEFORE I find something else. I know that it happens the other way far too often and it's not right, but it's the married person that is wronging the spouse, they are the one that vowed to be faithful and be devoted to the marriage.

Personally, I think anyone that gets together with someone that is married, and the marriage ends and they think they 'win', they usually get what they deserve a few years down the road because a guy that will cheat and leave his wife in that way will do it to her too. She has no integrity to be with a man that is married, but the man is also showing he has no integrity in treating his wife (& mother of his children) in such a disrespectful way. But it doesn't change the fact that he broke the vow to his wife.

Just because the law is not properly enforced, that doesn't change the legal definition of adultery. The legal definition in Massachusetts includes "or an unmarried person who has sexual intercourse with a married person."

Then there is the definition of adultery in the military, which includes this:

"That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else;"

"http://usmilitary.about.com/library/milinfo/bladulterydefinition.htm

Yes, I could have divorced him on the grounds of adultery, but how would that have helped anything?

"More often than not, the person they cheat with, doesn't even know they are married."

You can't possibly be so naive as to believe that.

Ima, even if my X acted with no integrity, he still cares about DD, he is still her dad. His SO has no real connection with her AND has no integrity.

Your husband's current wife was an adulterer if they lived in Massachusetts or were in the military at the time of their affair.

However, my husband is NOT an adulterer as you said he is. He's never lived in Massachusetts nor has he been in the military. His ex, however, is an adulterer. She's still married and currently living with a man that is not her husband. (I can't count how many men she's slept with since I've known her... too many)

KKNY, this issue isn't about whether the cheating parent loves their child. My stepdaughter's mom loves her daughter. That doesn't change the fact that she is an adulterer. (and she has very little integrity, if any)

And from the other thread, I've already said that no matter what she's done, negative things about her should not be said to her daughter because doing so could be hurtful for her daughter to hear. That is not the same as advocating lies. We do not tell her that her mother is wonderful and does nothing wrong. But, we don't feel it is our place to tell her daughter that her mom is still married to one guy and living with another guy and that she should be working and paying child support instead of living off her child support for the sister that doesn't live with mom and using it to party, drink & smoke. Those are all facts that are true but pointing it out to my SD would make her feel bad for her mom. It's her mom's place to be a good example to her children and if her children grow up to see their mom for who she really is, then that's her cross to bear.

FYI, the definition of adultery is:

voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

the definition of adulteror is:

anyone who commits adultery.

Based on the definition, I'd say both parties are guilty.

Beyond that, it is a respect thing. Respect for marriage, for yourself and for women in general. Why would you put yourself in the position of being the other woman? Also, why would you expect respect from children of the woman who was disrespected in such a way as to have her marriage broken up by another woman? I don't think either party in an adulterous situation is without blame. That being said. If you take the vow, it's your responsibility to remain faithful. Why not just get out of the marriage before you go and get in to something else.

I agree with Raek in that women should respect other women. I agree with that whole-heartedly.

But, it is the responsibility of the married person to be strong and resist advances. The unmarried person has nothing to lose by continually hitting on a married person. It is the burden of the married person to save their own marriage.

And it has nothing to do with the children. If a marriage is broken up by adultery (which had alot to do with my own divorce) it is between the husband and wife. Children shouldn't ever have to be involved in that mess. Just because a husband doesn't love a wife anymore (or vice versa) doesn't mean they love the kids any less.

KKNY, who did the leaving in your marriage? You or X? Did he leave you for TOW or did you leave him because if the infidelity?

He left me for TOW.

And IMHO adultery is not just a matter of the married persons infidelity. It is also a clear and present by TOW that she is a person who does not care if a child's world is turned upside down. And before you say, well if it wasnt her, it would have been someone else, you dont know and I dont know that.

You are so right!!! Some people just don't care if a child's world is turned upside down. Those people are absolutely terrible!

Thank you Ima, I will remember that kind comment.

I could have more forgiving to the two of them if they had just waited untill DD went to college.

When people engage in an affair, they are displaying reckless disregard not only for the spouse(s), but also for the welfare of the children.

If you really think about what is going through the mind of a cheating spouse, it is really pretty incredible. They first make a decision to "do it" and then they go into a cycle of deception and further betrayals. Quite often their spouses are unaware of what they are up to until the discovery of the affair.

No one deserves to have their heart broken in this way, especially by the person they made a lifetime vow with and put all of their hopes, dreams and faith into. It is the ultimate betrayal.

If a person is unhappy in their marriage and they want out, why not just be honest and get a divorce before cheating? That would at least show a little bit of integrity and a little bit of respect for their spouse.

As for the women or men who set their sights on someone else's spouse, I just don't get it. I don't buy for one minute that people cannot help who they fall in love with. There are a lot of factors involved in falling in love, but choices are made by both parties.

It takes two to tango. And the two who tango have to look at themselves in the mirror each morning. If they actually like the person they see looking back at them, then I think there is something amiss with their integrity and their conscience.

Just my opinion.