When my son went to private school it was because we lived in a nice area that was on the wrong side of the street. Our side went to a school that was not somewhere I wanted my son to go. The other side of the street went to the nice school.

So I checked out a local private school that I heard good things about. Liked it and told my ex I wanted to send son there and asked him if he could help. He knew the alternative was sending our son to a low performing school where he would be a minority where race was concerned. So he agreed that private school was best. My ex's parents ended up footing the bill. All I was hoping for was me and ex splitting the bill. But, since I had been the one wanting our son to go to private school I really was not expecting him to pay anything, just hoping.

I had a friend who lived in a good school district and just wanted her kids to go to the religious private school near her. Her ex refused to pay saying that it was an unnecessary choice to put the kids there.

I think that unless it is included in a court order it is up to both parents who pays. There is really no rule of thumb.

What about if a parent and step parent are footing the bill.....should the other parent (if not contributing) have a say in which school the child attends?

IMHO the custodial parent should have the most say in the school because it needs to be close to their home. If the custodial parent is also the only one paying for it then the ncp really should not complain about it.

Thats my opinion as well. Which ever parent is paying should pick the school and if the other wnats a say they should foot part of the bill.

SORE subject for me.

It was my fiance's idea (well, I guess mine, too but I could never tell BM that!) to send STBSS to a private school last year.

BM had a FIT intially and went ballistic over it. She said he should go to the school by her house, ride the bus, etc. When we were in the process of applying for STBSS, my fiance set up the initial meeting/school visit/evaluation and BM agreed to go. The morning of, she changed her mind and called and said she wasn't going. She didn't.

She went back and forth all summer and about two weeks before school started, agreed that he could try it. The school was right in the middle between our home and BM's--about a 15-20 minute drive for each parent.

She told my fiance right from the start that he had to be financially responsible for EVERYTHING. He had already agreed to pay all the tuition. She said books, uniform, lunches, everything had to be on him, as well. He was so eager for his son to go to the school that he agreed.

Literally--she called my fiance at 8 AM one morning. She had just dropped her son off at school and it was raining. I guess he needed a "uniform" poncho and we hadn't realized that when we bought the uniforms. She actually told my fiance that he needed to DRIVE over to the school and go to the bookstore and purchase a $4.50 plastic poncho!

I could NOT friggin' believe it. After we were shelling out $14,000 for him to attend this school + the cost of books + the uniforms + $500/semester for his lunch card---I seriously was floored.

And of course my stupid fiance went and did it. BOUNDARIES????? hahaha.

It was really frustrating because some of the money I was earning teaching was going towards these expenses...

Yet I was not "allowed" to participate in any activities. At first, I respected BM about that. She was all excited in the beginning and signed up for recess duty, offered to help coordinate Thanksgiving baskets for needy families, etc.

But then we started getting calls from the room moms that BM hadn't shown up for recess duty, hadn't sent her money in for the Thanksgiving baskets, etc. I talked to BM at one point and asked if she wanted me to see if I could do 1 recess duty a month, and she FLIPPED out.

So we/I got no involvement in the school, yet BM didn't really WANT her involvement, either. She just didn't want me to have a say in anything.

I think that the parent that is paying should have the most say in the school. However, I do NOT think the parent who is paying should be able to enroll a child in a private school that is REALLY far from either parent's house---at least not without the parent agreeing to do the drive.

I agree the school should be close unless the parent enrolling the child is willimg to make the drive everyday.

I do NOT agree that you could never participate in school functions but you were helping to pay for it. That wouldn't fly with me. If I was struggling to put the girls in a private school I wouldn't sit on the sidelines, I would be AT EVERY PTA meeting. I'll be going to those at the girls Public school regardless.

I don't blam you for feeling outed in that situation at all Love.

"I don't blam you for feeling outed in that situation at all Love."

The first birthday party of my STBSS's that I was ever "allowed" to go to was his 5th bday.

I am beginning to realize, though, that these issues are JUST AS MUCH my fiance's. He should have stood up for me and set better boundaries with his ex.

If you want to volunteer at the school, BM has NO SAY. Just because her son is in that school or even that class does not mean you have no right to volunteer to help out at the school. (especially recess yard duty!!!)

I understand your STBDH doesn't want to deal with her flipping out or there's less conflict if you abide by HER rules, but it seriously irks me. When BM found out I baked cupcakes for her daughters class in 2nd grade, she ran to the store and bought cupcakes for the class on the same day. (and I only did it because my SD asked me to because her mom told her she couldn't)

It's a fine line to tread because it's not fair to the kids (or you) when BM keeps you from doing things or having fun because she's jealous or insecure, but then again, any chance of having a decent relationship with her is undermined if you ignore her unreasonable requests.... it can really feel like a no win situation much of the time.

As for private school. Both parents should agree, but if one is for it and the other against, I agree the cost should belong to the person that wants it. (If you want a say in it, you should be paying part of it... the more you pay, the more you have a say..) I don't agree with the 'total' costs that lovehadleys STBDH had to pay... lunches??? If you'd share the cost of lunches at public school, you share them at private. Clothes??? If you don't have to buy school clothes because there are uniforms, then you should contribute what you would have had to pay toward clothes or buy your own uniforms. It's sad that lovehadley's STBSS's mom is so selfish and self centered that she'd b*tch about a rain poncho. I have to wonder how her son felt when he's standing there in the rain and has to wait for dad to come buy it for him. Eventually, he will open his eyes and see his dad as the hero who comes to rescue him and mom is full of hate and venom.

You are correct as much as I hate to say Love...your fiance will eventually have to go to bat for you or frankly you'll tire of the situation.

When we first started "getting serious" there were a few times where BioMom verbally attacked me in front of Jonathan and the girls. Belittling me and generaly just trying to make me feel small. When I questioned him as to why he didn't defend me the excuse was always "I don't want to get into an argument with the girl's mother in front of them." I let it fly a few times but finally after a particularly horrid attack I left him.

I told him I couldn't handle being that woman's punching bag just because he had children with her. She is BELOW ME! She is a nut case drug user poor excuse for a mother and I wasn't going to be treated like trash by trash and I told him this verbatim. I also told him his excuse wasn't flying with me anymore because it was doing the girl's no good seeing their mother treat me like s*** either and if nothing else he could walk out of the apartment with mom and put her in her place out of the girls earshot...but he didn't.

He came hunting me down at my parent's home. He apologized for taking the cowards way out and using the kid's as the excuse for doing so. The very next time she shot off at me he tore her down. She left in tears. He told her later that talking down to me in my own home would no longer happen. He also told her he should of chewed her out the first time she dared opened her mouth towards me and that he loved me and was going to tolerate her treating me like garbage NO MORE.

There has been no problems since. She doesn't step foot in our home and she keeps her mouth shut while she's at the door. Jonathan pull's no punches with her anymore. If he wouldn't of made that decision to step up I would of stayed gone. Bottom line.

HAHAHAHA...I highjacked my own post!!!!!!

A lot of variables in this issue:

- Is it an excellent private school versus a lousy or even dangerous public school? Or is the public school good, but just not "good enough" for little Precious? Is the private school clearly better?

- Do both parents prefer the private school? Or does one parent object on grounds of religion, distance, classism, etc.? Or are the 'objections' merely a tactic to avoid paying?

- What is the relative financial status of both parents?

- Distance and logistical factors. Does the child's attending private school make it more difficult for one of the parents to participate?

- But in general, my feelings are that "He who chooses, pays; and he who pays, chooses."

And then, of course, come the participation issues... For StepMothers, I tend to apply "the grandparent test". If a school activity or event would be appropriate for a grandparent, then it's appropriate for a stepparent; if it wouldn't be appropriate for a grandparent, it's probably not appropriate for a stepparent.

In my own case, I was not an active volunteer at my son's elementary school. Honestly, that school had a GLUT of parent volunteers as it was kind of a 'society' thing. Of course, I went to every play, concert, open house and parent teacher meeting -- I just didn't volunteer in the library, etc. But unbeknownst to me, StepMom DID volunteer actively, and introduced herself as Jane Smith, John Smith's mom. Imagine my surprise at all the puzzled reactions of the parents and teachers who thought they had already met 'John Smith's mom.' NOT a happy time for BioMom - StepMom relations... So I wrote an email very clearly outlining what I thought her role should be, where I felt "the line" was, and asking her directly not to cross it "in order to maintain a positive working relationship that would be in DS's best interests." Fortunately, she listened and later, apologized, and now we attend all school functions together.

"You are correct as much as I hate to say Love...your fiance will eventually have to go to bat for you or frankly you'll tire of the situation."

fiance has gotten a lot better about this. He used to not stick up AT ALL--he would honor whatever ridiculous requests BM had, like me not being allowed at birthday parties, Christmas programs at school/daycare, etc.

He started putting his foot down on those issues a year or two ago, and BM now knows that I will be at every event that STBSS has--I attended all of his soccer games last year, and his birthday party, and I don't think she liked it, but she didn't say a word.

He also has gotten better about defending me and my DD from her attacks. BM is REALLY nasty about leaving messages on our home phone--she goes on these tirades, calling me fat (for the record--I am about 5'4" and weigh 115 lbs, I am actually pretty SMALL), ugly, and making fun of my DD because she wears pull-ups at night. He LIT into her a few times and the calls stopped for awhile...then she started again, he lit into her again, etc. She is a hard person to control.

The one time he REALLY lost it with her was when STBSS came over and told my DD that his mom thinks she is stupid and ugly. He got VERY angry with his son--and then, later, after the kids were in bed, called BM and REAMED her out. He also called her parents and let them have it. Her dad actually apologized, and got on the phone with ME and apologized to me, as well, and promised that they would have a serious talk with her. She was living with them at this point in time--and she was just being a b*tch to everyone, her parents included. They had RULES, like she was not allowed to go out drinking, she had to be home by 11 pm, had to be actively looking for a job, etc. She lived with them for a couple months and then left because she refused to abide by their expectations.

She has been on her best behavior with the court thing now--my fiance played some sample messages for the GAL and he told BM to knock it off, or he would be thinking about every other weekends. I think that scared her straight....but we'll see what she does when court is over.

I just don't know that I trust my fiance to do ENOUGH is the problem. But then again--how can he MAKE her stop doing things?

LOVE

I don't know how to make them all stop. Jonathan stone walling his ex was enough to back her in a corner. I think that stems from the fact that we have custody right now and she is in a VERY low point in her life. It's going to be easy to get visitation with her limited or supervised. I'm thinking that's why she backed down so easily when J laid down the law. Jonathan could sincerely (BLEEP) her over right now.

Five hundred dollars a semester??? That's $5.55 a day, over twice what you would pay for lunch at a public school.

it would be more reasonable to pack a lunch instead of paying that much. it is more than i would be willing to pay for my lunch every day, and i am an adult.

"it would be more reasonable to pack a lunch instead of paying that much. it is more than i would be willing to pay for my lunch every day, and i am an adult."

Yeah, it is definitely more than a public school.

I much prefer my DD's school's system. Lunch is provided and the children are NOT ALLOWED to bring their lunches. They have an extensive, healthy menu--there is a salad bar, yogurt, fruits, and a variety of sandwiches (PB&J, turkey, etc) available EVERY DAY. Then there is always one main course, and it's usually pretty yummy, healthy stuff--grilled chicken sandwiches, spaghetti, lasagna, meatloaf, etc. They get all the food from an organic food service so I feel really good about her eating it.

The best part is--it is included in the tuition.

STBSS never WANTED to take his lunch. I guess the "cool" thing was to get your lunch at school, so that's what he did...we didn't really want to deny him that.

"So I wrote an email very clearly outlining what I thought her role should be, where I felt "the line" was, and asking her directly not to cross it "in order to maintain a positive working relationship that would be in DS's best interests." Fortunately, she listened and later, apologized, and now we attend all school functions together."

If ALL BM's did this, instead of calling up the ex or SM yelling that this is MY kid... blah blah blah, then there would probably be a lot less conflict.... of course, the SM and/or dad would also have to be as receptive as your son's SM. There's always a way to get your point across without being offensive and that goes for both sides.

I think it should have been rather obvious to sweeby's son's SM that she was not only overstepping, but vaulting way over the line when she introduced herself as his mother.

Often when people stand up to a bully, they back off. I am not sure that the SM's response has as much to do with being receptive as it does with the fact that sweeby made it obvious that she wasn't going to let her get away with her behavior.

Yes, I think some SMs introduce themselves as Mrs. Jones, and I am Johnny JOnes mother, or similiar. It may be that they thinkt here is a negative connotation to the word Stepmother (similiar to MIL), which there is no need to feel that way, it is a description of a relationship. So instead of saying I am Johnny's SM, or Johnny's Dad wife, they let people think they are the mom. While I agree it is generally no ones business who a SM is, in a school, doctor, etc. relationship, I think SM has to bite the bullet, or it will create issues.

Well, KKNY, we do agree on this one!

I don't think a SM should ever introduce herself as litte Johnny Smith's mother.

In my case, I would identify myself to a coach or teacher as Mr. Smith's fiance.

The only time I can see a stepparent introdcuing themselves as a parent is if the Bio parent is NOT in the picture AT ALL. Then I think it's up to the stepparent and stepchild how to identify the relationship. If a child thinks of the stepparent as his/her parent (and the BP is absent) then I think it would be okay.

I also agree, a SM should not introduce herself as mom. However, my SD has introduced me as her mom to her friends' parents and I did not correct her. I did not correct her because I did not want to embarrass her or make her think that I had a problem if she wanted her friend to think of me as her mom. (I think JNM has said that her SD got upset because JNM would correct her and she wanted to know why JNM didn't want to be her mom. I didn't want my SD to feel like I am differentiating because I don't want to be called mom.. if that makes sense) I have also told SD that I'm flattered that she would call me mom but her mom's feelings may get hurt and I leave it up to her to decide what to call me. But, I agree... it's never okay for the step parent to misrepresent. I've always told the school, teachers, etc. that I am step mom because I have the same last name as SD, her mom never has.

My point in my last post, was in general. If a mom has a problem with ANYTHING the step mom is doing or does, if she calls up and acts like an adult with the focus being on the child's best interests, not marking her territory or berating the step mom, then it's more likely going to get the result she wants... which is for the step mom to respect her wishes. I'm not saying that step mom will always agree or be as mature, but it doesn't resolve anything to get irate and demand things.

I don't disagree that Sweeby's child's stepmom overstepped or as theotherside put it, vaulted way over the line in what she did. What I am saying is that if Sweeby had called her up and yelled at her ex or SM and demanded that "that woman is NOT my son's mother and how dare she say that and it better never happen again!!!!" might have been met with, "and what are you going to do about it?" and the fight is on. That is not what's best for the children. I think Sweeby handled it excellent and ALL parents should take notes.

Where I live, the custodial parent decides where the child goes to school. However, the custodial parent can't compell the noncustodial to pay for private school tuition. They can agree to share costs and even put that in a child support order.

Other states must be different. I knew a guy who had to pay for his son's tuition through college (private schools all the way). I don't know if he agreed to that or not.

You are correct, Ima. SD would get quite upset if I would correct her. If I am without her for an introduction I will say I'm SD's custodial step-mom or something to that effect so they understand a bit more why I or DH are the only ones they see at practice, school things, etc. When SD is doing the intro's I usually just let her say what she will, and if there is a chance to clarify when she is out of ear shot I do. With her friends she refers to me as mom but some have met bio mom, so they will ask JNM mom or BM mom if it's not obvious. Lately, I think as she gets more annoyed with her, she's been calling BM 'mother'. Kinda sad.

I don't think it would be fair and I'm not sure the court would allow the one NOT paying for it to choose. If there was any hard feelings between the bio parents, the chooser could really "stick it" to the paying one.

Sorry I vanished for a few days...long story. I'll post another update post to explain.

I think it was KKNY who said it was overstepping lines for a Step to refer to themselves as mom or dad. I do agree with this. I think it's almost like false advertising. However, I think the girls teachers are going to be confused anyway because even thuogh their school paperwork and I refer to myself as their Step Mother(Like Ima's SD) they call me momma. J is going to explain the situation to the teacher himself so she understands and doesn't get confused.

Situations like ours can get so confusing as far as who is who on the family food chain. The lines get blurred quite a bit when one parent is pretty much absent. It's hard on everyone involved.

If both parents are really involved I would say it is DEFFINATLY stepping over the boundaries for a Step to introduce themselves as the child's mother. I always say Step Mama because it sounds a little more intimate than Step Mother.

For all of you who said whoever pays should pick the school...I agree.