I am going to assume that the 18 year old is your brother? And in doing so GIRL he is 18, tell him to get off his butt and get a job, save money and move out! Not having a male role model in his life in not an excuse for you to step in as the mother in his life! He is at the age that if he fully capable of at least sharing in the responsibility of an adult. If for some reason he can't move out just yet, fine help with bills, cleaning, and anything else he would have to do if he had his own home / apartment!

BIL- I understand there was a huge tragedy in his / DH's life but what you and your DH are doing by babying his bad behavior is enabling it. It will get worse before it ever gets better. You and DH have now stepped in to raise him, you will have to take on a parental role (Note I did not say mother's role) that means, grounding, chore's as he to is of age to do his fair share. At 14 I am sure there is a yard to mow, garbage to take out twice a week, and more. You must establish rules and BOTH you and DH should follow.

DH - I am a SAHM and go to school online as well, not to mention raise a 3 year old and am 7 months pregnant there is no reason why he can't get off his butt and do house work. If he doesn't want to work fine he is now a SAHD! There for he must pull his weight, and you are enabling him by doing it for him when you are home at night and on the weekends. Make it a point, "DH I love you but if you do not work you will NEED to do housework." Now I personally do not do ALL of the housework around the home, as to leave some for DH so he doesn't get lazy or think I am his mother and am hear only to pick up. But he has a hot meal when he gets home , clean kitchen and clothes.

The first year of a person's marriage is supposed to be the "honeymoon" but in your case it has not been. I do not think you just give up and walk away, you should try to work through this. Things would not be so bad if you and DH started to make some ground rules. I am not trying to be mean hear but I honestly believe that at 23 both you and DH have taken on a huge responsibility that you may not be ready to handle. Maybe the idea of having BIL stay with an older relative might be something to look at. Has the court in your area stepped in to assign guardianship to someone? You just can't have him running around from one home to another or Children and Families might step in and place him with a relative that might not make anyone happy.

You gotta stop doing their laundry & cooking & cleaning.

You're supporting 2 grown men & one that's almost a grown man, & they're lounging around like school's out & it's summer vacation.

You're bringing home the bacon;

among the 3 of them, they can fry it up in the pan or go hungry.

(& don't buy pizza or hamburgers!)

As to "my house has to be clean", make that a non-negotiable condition for the roof over all 3 of their heads.

I wish you the best.

Try Chorebusters.com as I said at the end of the other place you posted this. I think it has chores and delegates them to different family members.

And, your DH needs to find something to help make ends meet or you'll age faster than can be and be consumed w/ resentment.

As I said before, you're burning the wick at both ends - financially, physically, and mentally. Is there another family member to help out at all?

The tragedy is so sad and you're to be commended for stepping up to the plate. However, you aren't the maid and after a long shift, dinner needs to be waiting for you. Tell the guys to grill it or cook it, and have it ready. "Can't cook?" Give them Rachel Ray's '30 Min. Meals' as a cookbook or tell them to go to www.foodnetwork.com for all sorts of recipes ranging from the extravagant to the quick and easy. I've become a pseudo-gourmet from the Food Network, lol.

As Angel said, she's pg, has a toddler, takes on-line classes and gets the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning done while DH is at work. They can certainly do that much minus the little one and being pg.

Finally, men aren't mindreaders, so have a nice family chat and give your expectations rather than let it fester when it isn't done to your satisfaction. (Flylady.com is another site w/ email reminders to help clean/organize the home - tell them to take a look!) So, my DH would sometimes help clean up after dinner while I bathed our 3 little boys, after I complained about finding him planted in front of the TV while I was running around, exhausted, etc. He'd do an OK job loading the dishwasher and putting most of the food away, but never thought to wipe down crumbs or smears so I got VERY specific. I said, "Either put one of the boys to sleep while I handle the other two or clean the kitchen top to bottom so I don't have to even come back downstairs after the kids are asleep." He usually chooses to lay w/ the youngest, lol, but he has improved w/ respect to the kitchen.

I know it's frustrating and you are so young to have all this on your plate. I'll say a little prayer for you tonight!

Dana

To all you ladies, I am so grateful, and to be more specific the newly 18 year old is his brother and the 14 year old is mine. The 18 year old is a senior this year and will be going off to college, but like I said its a lot and thats a long time from now, it seems that way anyhow!

You do have a whole lot on your plate... It's not fair, but I do believe that good things will come to you in time for the good deeds you are doing now.

Given the relatively small age differences and the fact that you're not really anyone's mother, I'm going to suggest a change in tactics. From your post, it sounded like you're viewing yourself in a 'mother' role and perhaps seeing the problems from a 'discipline' angle? If that's the case, I think you might be more successful if you were to change your role from 'mother' to 'team captain.'

Call a family meeting and make it clear that running the household is everyone's job, not just yours, and that you're too tired to do the whole job yourself. I like the idea of a chores chart or list, with assignments for everyone. Since right now, you're doing ALL of them, you could let everyone else pick their preferred chores first and keep only the least favorite few for yourself. Having them all written down and visible would make it harder for the other three to accept less than their fair shares of the work, so you would be significantly better off. (You might also have a universally-hated chore left unassigned to be given to the person who doesn't meet his chosen responsibilities.)

You might also need to accept a somewhat lower standard of cleanliness than you'd like for the sake of family harmony.

Poor Tired! God bless your sweet heart. You are a good person, but you need to address this with those 3 men. It is not right for you to care for everything. One thing that may help you financially, is that the boys may be entitled to monthly social security checks, which would go to you and your husband to pay for their care. Have you checked into that already? If not, do so quickly. Good luck to you! I wish you peace and joy!

Again to all you ladies thank you, I called a family meeting (which I am almost sick of doing) to address my feelings and needs. DH to my surprise was very involved in trying to listen. The boys, again to my surprise said they had no idea it bothered me to the extreme that it did. We all came to a common ground, everyone needs to do their part! Once we got that together, it felt good, like someone took some of the burdens off. We aren't out the dark yet, but I'm hopeful that we're in for a change. We have a plan, where everyone has a job to do or there will be consequences. It just feels good to have a plan though I must say. Please continue to keep me in your prayers, a change is coming. BTW, I had a lovely/relaxing evening with my DH for our anniversary, patience, love, and a good plan...it helps!

Congrats!!!! Tired see, men can change there behavior if they don't realize what it is exactly that they are doing is hurting the active lady in their life. Just make sure they keep up the good work, and make sure you tell them how good or great of a job they are doing. Men and boys tend to respond better to praise when they do things right. Unlike most women, we tend to have thankless jobs, lol.