I am completely lost for a solution

19 years ago

I have a situation, where for about 6 months, my son, his girlfriend and daughter are staying with my husband and I (raising money for housing for college) We had a family business for 40 years, a very comfortable life, long story short, we don't have it now, and lost most of our retirement. Try to believe we are intelligent, people who made it for a long time, and had too much bad luck in too short a stretch. Any way, We do feel responsible to help them save money, because we have all never anticipated the fund we worked our lives for would be taken.

The daughter is 10. Upon moving in, she immediately began an inventory of the house, normal, not a big issue, except where my bedroom and bathroom is concerned. Then things began disappearing. I know this sounds like a total lie, but while vacuuming her room, I knocked a trinket box off the nightstand, and there were several of my things, all from jewelry boxes or nightstands in my bedroom. The stuff she took was not valuable, it was the invasion of my privacy that I am having such a hard time with. Son, and girlfriend have locked their room as have her real father and other relatives shes visits for some time now.

I needed to talk to her about it. I asked the son and mom to be present when I spoke to her about it, not to speak, really, for it was between her and I but to be there for their own comfort, and so she could not claim I was cruel or hateful. She was caught, but never copped to a thing. I had bought her a little outfit that day, and asked her if I would have had I known she was taking things from my bedroom, and I now have it in a drawer. Seems a little harsh to me now, but I believe thats the response she would recieve in the real world. NOt a punishment, a consequence. I told her I would always love her, but this was a terrible hurt and awful way to live with out trust. and could we start over.

Nothing has changed, we have locks on our bedroom, things are misplaced, or taken,it's not the stuff its the disrespect, the loss of privacy and trust is enormously uncomfortable.

She refuses to recollect any rules here as well. I told her she needed to always ask to go on our computer. Her mother wants that supervised. I find her on it about every other day, she looks irritated, and belitteling when i tell her she didnt ask and I won't do again,

Frankly, I just don't feel anything very good toward her the way things are going. The situation is mine alone to handle, there will be no back up or what ever from the mother, and that I can accept. But does that mean I have to real way to have a little trust here.

I had a serious talk about the computer yesterday, and as soon as I left the house for a minute she went online. Just like that. Within l5 minutes of my telling her these are the rules. for the fourth time. NOw I am hot. lol

So Do I stand a chance of being able to develop some love and respect for each other in this little dance, or do I just put in my time and get thru this as best I can. I feel badly about it, but it's just so damn disrespectful, dishonest and arrogant, I feel angry. The anger makes me hesitant to discipline, and be too harsh on someone her age.

Help me, I dont wanna be a wussy, but I dont wanna overreact either.

Help

Thanks

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Comments (6)

Vivian Kaufman
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Time for them all to go... The girls mother should be handling the situation, and since she has not, she has lost the PRIVILEGE of the use of your residence. Under no circumstances should you have to put up with thievery or invasion of your privacy since you are doing them a FAVOR by allowing them to stay there.

Your problem is not with this child--it is with an inattentive, ineffective mother. She is ultimately responsible for the behavior of this child and since she has proven (obviously) that she will do nothing to remedy the situation, well, that's just too bad, isn't it?

I probably would give the son an option to stay WITHOUT them, but I certainly wouldn't be surprised if he chose not to. Time for a nice, long chat with him first, and if he cannot get his girlfriend to start parenting her child, well them it's "I"m sorry but this situation is just not working out."
laurilye
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
hi vivian:

I appreciate your time on this, it's just had me in a knot for some reason. I will talk to son alone, first. Great advice. I never thought I could feel so apathetic about failing at something with him, but I am sorta there. Thanks. Hated to see me being an evil mother in law with out cause. I appreciate it.

laurilye
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gardenandcats
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Put a password on your computer that has to be used each time anyone uses it.problem solved on that problem.
laurilye
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Of course, my computer program is not allowing such a slick thing, My ((other)) son built computer and so I can't figure up from down on the systems end of things, but thanks, and it's an option I am hoping to access when he comes by after work next week.

But to be honest, I am not in the mood for the chore of locking doors, lugging around keys, and having to put passwords on things that aren't to be shared with a 10 year old. If she is locked out of every thing, I won't really know if she's come around or not.

What I feel like doing is just telling her, that I love her, but am very disappointed, that she has had all the chances I have to give, that we must have trust and honesty, (within reasonable expectations) and she can work her fanny off to assure me my world is respected at safe when I go to the loo. She can live with scrutiny and suspicion, or work her way out of it and that the longer she waits to be respectful and truthful, the longer it will take me to risk trusting again, because that is how I feel.

I feel like her mom is an issue, of course, but I worked with at risk youth in grade schools for years, and I found I could get respect and honesty from some of those kids no matter how little the showed to their parents. The dynamics here are alot more intimate, and I am tired of wishful thinking that just makes me feel like a sap later.Then I have to be willing to be a hard nose because she is a tough little thing who I have never seen apologize or own up to her acts so far.I am to the point where I think I would just assume have an authoritative relatioship with her than risk her pushing these issues again, It really gets to me, and I dont want to feel this angry with a child again.

I dont know if that makes sense, I am a little crazy here I know. HELP lol

thanks for the help you have no idea how therapudic it is. I won't offend here to any suggestions, I really feel unsure of the correct measure to take.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
When you work with at-risk kids in a professional environment, you have protections that you don't have at home:

This girl doesn't respect boundaries, & in your own home you don't have the structure that protected you in school, & you don't have the "professional aura", or stature, that you had in school.

Nobody should be besieged & victimized & vulnerable in her own home.

I think the first reply said it best:
time for 'em to go.

Help the ones you can, & don't let the ones you can't help destroy or consume you.
josie37
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I think you are right on tract. You demand respect and don't let them away with it and you will get it. Kids will test and try. I have seen it time and time again. My nephews and two SS know what they can get away with and with who. You will just have to be strong and put some consequences in place. Your house - your rules. You shouldn't have to live like that. Probably the mother and your son will learn a lot from you and how to discipline the daughter.

I am completely lost for a solution

Comments (6)

Vivian Kaufman

laurilye
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I am completely lost for a solution

Comments (6)

Vivian Kaufman

laurilyeOriginal Author

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gardenandcats

laurilyeOriginal Author

sylviatexas1

josie37

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laurilye
Original Author

laurilye
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