Well, maybe I am the minority here and maybe I will even get blasted, but who cares? So, here goes: I didn't have kids so I would have someone to appreciate me. I love them more than anything and would do anything for my kids. But they were taught from their first words to say thank you. Not just to me, to anyone that did anything for them. ESPECIALLY anyone besides me. I am their mother and I HAVE to do certain things for them. Anyone else that does anything for them does not HAVE to, so therefore they ARE deserving of some appreciation and gratitude. In fact, anyone that does something for my kids automatically gets my gratitude and appreciation, whether they want it or not. THANK YOU FOR DOING SOMETHING NICE FOR MY KID! How ridiculous would it be if they did something nice and I got mad at them for it? Now, as for my kids appreciating what I do for them? Yeah, they should. I gave them life. I sacrifice so they can have what they need and/or want. I want them to have a better life than me and they SHOULD appreciate how hard I work to give it to them. And that is part of the problem with some of the brats you see out there... no appreciation for ANYONE. They expect everything and take no responsibility for themselves. They don't need to bow down and kiss my feet (though it might be nice) but they can show their appreciation by getting good grades, acting responsibly, not getting arrested, not doing drugs, not getting pregnant (as teens) or hanging out with the 'wrong' crowd and by acting in a way that makes me proud. But, saying thank you, please and your welcome is common courtesy and something they were taught from the time they could talk. It's not something that I have to think about but I do expect them to treat people with common courtesy. If I ever heard of one of my kids treating a stepparent the way some of us are treated, they'd certainly hear it from me that's unacceptable. If MY child rolled his/her eyes at someone that is trying to do something nice for them, not okay with me!!! I wouldn't justify that behavior because I don't like the person they treat that way. How I feel about someone has nothing to do with it. That isn't how I raised them and IF they are (or feel they are) treated poorly by that person, I would certainly not condone that as the way to deal with it. If there is a problem, then it needs to be addressed and resolved, not throw fuel on the fire and make it worse with poor behavior. That isn't going to make anyone's situation better, only worse. The message I want my kids to have is 'treat others the way you want to be treated' and there are sometimes people in the world that you don't like but you have to learn to get along with them... it might be a boss, co worker, neighbor, in-laws or a stepparent. DEAL WITH IT.

I have to say that personally I would never call up my ex to help me with anything. I called him one time that I was in a jam and DS was not with me so it was more of something to do with me. He did not help me when I truly felt that I had no one to call at the time or else I would not have called him to begin with. I ended up finding help some other way out of my jam in the end and I will never ask another thing of him to help me out personally again. At the time I was desperate (hence the phone call to him)and I would not have cared if he had brought SM (TOW)with him if that is what he needed to do but he made lame excuses instead so I will never turn to him again. Now it is more of a pride thing. But I have truly only asked one time in eleven years that did not involve just needing help with DS that has usually involved more time for him anyway and I truly thought that once would not have been too much. I also know that SM is/was a very jealous, controlling woman through the years especially when it comes to ex talking to me and I do not know how much of that had influenced the situation. I do not know if now that they are split and he is single that things would be different but I will never find out because I will never ask him again--again, the pride thing. Besides, I am dating a man that is more capable than ex ever was at handling most anything that I would ever need anyway. But even if that were not the case, I would still never call him again. I do not believe that we will ever be true friends. I used to think that we all could be friends but I have come to realize that it is not possible, not in our situation anyway. We did try for a time but things always ended badly. We get along and maintain contact for DS but that is all that it will ever be and I believe that we both realize that and do not try to make more out of it.

I have not thought about going to the authorities because I will not sacrifice the one decent relationship with a parent I have because of my loser of a SB. I think that at the end of the day that my SB is a miserable person who drinks constantly just to get through life. I have learned to be able to attend family functions with him there but I keep at a distance. He tries to call me to wish me happy birthday and things like that but I am not at all receptive. I do not know if that is his way of trying to make up for what he did to me or what but he will never be able to right what he did to me in my eyes. However I will still continue to be the peacemaker and refuse to tear my family apart this many years later. Besides, I have found that my father is very loyal to my SM and her children (she has four--3 SS and 1 SB) and I honestly do not know what kind of response I would get from him and that scares me. I do love my SM also and I value the relationship I have with her. I did not think at the time that SB would turn to my sister. I guess I was too young and naive to understand what was truly going on. I honestly had no idea what sex was and it took me a few years to put all the pieces together. My mother's way of dealing with things is to ignore them. Completely! If she doesn't discuss them, they did not happen and will not happen which is why I guess she has never discussed what she found out in my diary or anything else that has happened through the years for that matter. I had a few issues at my dad's house that I was not believed over the youngest SS (who still to this day lies and manipulates) so I was afraid that even if I did tell that I would not be believed over my other step-siblings. I guess after I quit going, my dad and SM caught my SB kissing my sister. They blamed my sister, explaining to her why it was wrong as if she was the one that was pursuing him. I did not know this until many years later either and my sister does not believe that anything was even said to my SB--I guess he was old enough to know better??? The youngest SS has also made accusations about her own brother to my sister once when they were discussing him years ago--I do not know what to believe from my SS because she is such a manipulator and has to turn every incident into something about her but if it is the truth then I feel for her as much as I do for all of us that were subjected to my SB. It amazes me that my dad and SM could be and still are so blind to SB. My dad is a little tired of constantly bailing out SB every time he quits a job and needs money or whatever he has going on that he needs which is constantly. SB has a daughter that he had custody of that for years. I was freaked out that maybe he was doing things to her that he was to all of us and that is when I went to counseling. I am still not sure why but whenever I used to press the way that my SB was raising his daughter to my dad and SM they continually defended him--like leaving an 8 year old little girl at home alone from the time she gets out of school until 10 pm while SB is at the bar is fine. I realized that I was not going to be able to make them believe what SB is capable of and has done because they saw him as the great father that was doing the best that he could at saving her from this awful BM. Too bad that both of her parents suck!!! My oldest SS tried to get the neice but SB would not ask BM to let her go out of state in fear that BM would demand her back if SB did not want her. It was a no win situation for my neice. So I used to try to go get her as much as possible and take her on vacations with me and take her shopping. She wanted a mother in her life and didn't have one and barely had the father that she lived with but she eventually became to busy with friends to have time for me. My SM believed that the alternative of living with BM was worse and sometimes I was not so sure. My neice did choose to live with her BM for awhile because she was craving her mother in her life but realized what life was like with her and is now living with SM ex (father of SB). And at 16 now, she runs wild. Things have been bad with her and she has done some things that truly make me wonder if SB did things to her but she has always led such a wild life between SB and her BM that I have no idea where some of the things she has done have come from. I guess that if I can protect DS from a life like I have had then I will have learned something from my own experiences.

DH has somewhat reconciled with SK, sees him a few times a year, slings gifts, and come home with nothing...Rae, Daisy, anybody, insight into my part of this? Daisy, I know what you are saying, my bitterness spilled out to Rae,probably did. I don't know if I have any insight to give, Dotz. I'm sorry, I wish I did. Here's what I think. Whether it helps or not, I don't know. DH has somewhat reconciled with SK, sees him a few times a year, slings gifts, and come home with nothing I'm sure that hurts you. It breaks my heart in two to see my husband hurt, I'm sure you feel the same way. But this is your husband's choice to make (don't know about the money, but certainly the time). If it's worth it to him, then that's his choice. I haven't been in your exact shoes, but I have watched my husband be badly betrayed and still love and reach out to the ones who hurt him. It hurts me, but he gets to make that choice. I am NOT saying your husband should cause you an undue financial hardship; I don't believe that at all. But if he'd rather be hurt over and over again than have no contact at all, that's his choice. Rae, Daisy, anybody, insight into my part of this? If you are telling what happened accurately, and I don't see why you wouldn't be, then what on earth could you have done differently? Literature, art, history all testify throughout human history that there are backstabbing, ungrateful, selfish people out there. You cannot control them or make them play nice. Here's the advice I give my daughter in this situation: Look in the mirror and really, really examine your own behavior. See what you can do about it, because you can only control yourself. If you find out you're the problem, be glad and fix it, because you can fix yourself, you can't fix other people. But if you are honestly, truly not the problem, let it go. Protect yourself, remember their behavior is not about YOU, it's about THEM. They are not reacting to the person you are, they are being the person they are. Let it go. Smile and nod politely (out of love for your husband), always do the right thing because that is the caliber of person you are. But life is too short, avoid toxic people when you can. Again, I'm not in your exact shoes here. But I can tell you that certainly I've had to deal with people who are mean. In my life those people have been, thankfully, very rare, but I've run across them. One of them is a family member who will always be in my life. And I have a family member who's not mean, precisely, but difficult and dysfunctional. In every case, I wish I was the problem, because I can fix me. Most of the time I can adjust my approach or my attitude and at least make it easier to deal with someone. But with some people I just have to realize that there's nothing I can do. I am helpless to fix the situation, not because of the person I am, but because of the person they are. What helps me in that situation? First, it helps if other people acknowledge with me that person is just an a$$. Maybe you don't have a sister or friend who can reassure you. Fortunately, I have many people who will sit with me and tell me the truth - either, "Daisy, check yourself, you're the one who's wrong", or "Yep, Daisy, that one is just a jerk, never going to change". But maybe you don't. If you don't have anybody like that in your life, then I hope everyone who reads this thread will tell you that your stepson is a jerk. An unreasonable, unfeeling jerk. There is no reason for him to treat his father like that, it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. Stop beating yourself up. You couldn't do anything to bring that kind of treatment on your husband, it's unwarranted no matter what you did. Don't expect your husband to be the one to tell you that. Maybe he does, and if so that is good. But I can tell you that my husband loves his family so much, he doesn't want to even say the words out loud. Even though he loves me even more. Friends and family are the ones to tell you that. If you don't have a girlfriend to tell you straight up, then get one. The second thing that helps me is to try to have compassion. Your stepson sounds like a very unpleasant person. If he treats his father that way, there are other people he treats that way, too. That kind of stuff has a way of coming around to bite us when we get older. If you can look yourself in the mirror and say you did the right thing, then be at peace. Daisy, I know what you are saying, my bitterness spilled out to Rae,probably did. It's hard not to be bitter. I've had a wonderful life, but if we live long enough all of us have some reason to be bitter about something, and I'm no different. It's a natural feeling, and it's probably nature's way of protecting us so we don't keep walking into the same bad situations over and over again. One big thing that helps me over the hump when I'm bitter is to stop dwelling on the bitterness and be thankful for the good things in my life. My husband nearly died a few years ago, and every time I get angry or discouraged, I can usually just remember waiting in the emergency room for them to tell me whether he was living or dead, how I felt when they told me he was still alive. The feeling I had when I walked into ICU and saw his chest move is pure, distilled, amazing joy that makes every other problem I have seem petty. If you love your husband and he loves you, then you are a very blessed person. If you have a good relationship with the other stepkid, then again, you are a very blessed person. Try to forgive the stepson who wronged you, not because he deserves forgiveness but so it will stop eating you up inside. It takes a long time to forgive that kind of treatment, so be gentle and kind to yourself, don't expect it to come overnight, just keep trying. Forgiveness is not a one-time thing. When I am really bitter, sometimes I have to forgive that person every hour, then every day, then maybe every month, till maybe it's a few times a year. But for me, when I am hurt deep down I can't just BOOM forgive and it's over. That's okay with me as long as I keep trying. That's the only insight I have to give, and it may be all wrong. Whatever your stepson did to you, I am truly sorry. I love that bumper sticker "Mean people suck". It's so true. If only people would just...stop....being...mean. Maybe we could all get through life without so much bruising and battering.