I would say that there are about twice as many adoptees searching than birthparents. Many birthmothers feel that they have no right to search, that they gave up that right when they signed over their children. That does not mean that they don't want a reunion. Birthparents are more afraid of looking also because the adoptee might not even know they are adopted. A birthmother knows that she is a birthmother. It is far better and easier for the adoptee to search. Birthparents usually just came to our meetings just for support or in case their child was there. I also believe that unless it is an open adoption, it is best to wait until an adoptee is an adult and better equipped emotionally to do the search. Teen years are hard enough to survive. Yes, the truth is worth knowing. Honesty is important. Done correctly even though the news may be bad, it doesn't have to mean sad ramifications that can't be dealt with. LOL If I knew all you wanted was a huge inheritance, I would not help you with a reunion. We are talking emotional well-being here. When I did a search with an adoptee, we had many a talk on all of the what if's, I made sure that an adoptee had someone to go to for councilling if necessary. There was follow-up. It is your sister's right not to do a search. I respect that immensely. Just as I haven't passed on much in the way of information to my twin because she doesn't want to know. I have a scrapbook made for her about our birthparents and how I have done the search and the details. If she ever wants to see it, it is hers. I did it just in case something ever happened to me and she changed her mind. If she never wants to see it, so be it. It is her right not to know. BTW, Birthmothers are very special people. They did the best they could at the time. It isn't an easy decision to make, and for all the birthmothers out there, I give you a huge hug. It is far easier nowadays to keep children and far more accepting. Years ago, there was no support.

Yes we have right of first refusal but in the past it's been my word against his in court. He is notorious for lying under oath. He has been caught buy nothing has ever happened to him except embarrassment so they continue to do it. As far as school, I have exclusive right over education and BD has the right to be informed, speak to teachers, be at activities etc. The school already knows that and understand the situation so even though dad requests that when it's 'his' day he be notified first, the school feels it's easier to contact the custodial parent first. His days do not begin until school is dismissed and end when school resumes so during school hours that is technically my day. I opted not to fight this battle because I felt it was too much of a headache. So far I have no idea if the school has ever contacted him about anything and frankly as long as I am notified or kept in the loop -- if they make two phone calls that is A-Ok with me. I think they expected me to throw a tantrum over SM signing school work and were even more annoyed when I didn't. For them it's opposite of a normal parents feelings. I feel relieved when I don't hear anything from them. They get frustrated and strengthen their stance against me when I stay quiet. sm is notorious in the last 4 yrs for trying to provoke me in to flipping out so she can say SEE BM is nuts!! I haven't reacted to her openly in a long time and it gets her so worked up. Before, I would flip and shoot off my mouth and she would smile and laugh and basically pat herself on the back for pusing my buttons and proving to the world that I'm nuts... I've grown so much from that person I was when my divorce was so raw and I was still emotional and still 'learning' to cope... But it seems that they aren't happy or relieved that I am not that person anymore. They have this attitude that I took something away from them when BD lost rights and so now they are wanting to pay me back. I just don't even want to deal with it. I just want to get along. Let DD have a good time. I was going to offer that they could have DD for spring break even though it's my year. I also had planned to offer more weekends and some week time during the summer. I want to send an email to say I don't have any plans for these dates if you want DD in addition to what you already have. Even offering her bday weekend since they haven't had her in 3 yrs nor the yr before making that 4 yrs on her bday. I don't want anything in return. Even my attorney told me No don't do that because they may turn around and say I am pushing DD off on to them instead of spending my time with her. Ugh I just can't do anything right it seems ... Or come up with a plan to throw up my white flag without it biting me later on. I agree with you PO1 if dad isn't home -- DD just needs to stay with me. She does not feel comfortable with SM yet. She enjoys her step sister though but says SM treats them different. DD is told she is not allowed to attend any extra curricular activities while visiting them. Which I can understand. I won't argue with that because the last thing I want to do is to cart DD around on our weekends to activities that BD had signed her up for plus anything I might sign her up for. All activities DD is in are during the week and I won't allow them to interfere with his weekends. However while BD is working all weekend, DD has to sit through stepsisters gymnastics and soccer and wait around for girl scouts stuff. My question is why not put DD in those things so they can do them together. BD told me he pays enough in child support that he isn't going to pay hundreds of $'s a month for her activities too. Real winner huh? The thing with DD being alone with SM is that is when things happen. That is when she talks to DD about inappropriate things. But it's my word against hers or DDs word against hers and there isn't much they do except slap her on the hand. The therapist told BD and the courts he needs to be the one that is doing everything from pick ups to drop offs to spending one on one time with DD to build their relationship. He has yet to do that and DD tells the therapist there is no one on one time and therapist just sends a 'reminder'email to BD about his time and responsibilities. How Many times do you have to tell someone what their job is as a parent before they get it? I think that is why I feel like giving up. I just don't want to fight these things anymore because nothing will be done anyway so shouldn't I just let it go too? If I try to stand my ground and tell BD through email be a dad ... Do your job.. Be there for DD ... Your absence is hurting her... It becomes a pissing match... I don't feel like it. Am I giving up?? Is it ok for me to give up?? My mom's point is that we have fought for 3 yrs to keep these things from happening -- to make SM back down. And my point is -- at what cost? At who's expense? Mine! My families! My other child who needs more from me than what he gets because I'm constantly dealing with this. Going to court, going to therapists, writing emails, doing research, having conferences, paying money -- lots and lots of money... I hope I'm making myself clear-- I am not giving up on DD I'm just wanting to get along with her father and make peace. I'm not saying I was ever wrong for fighting in the courts. I'm not saying their points are right or wrong ... Just tired of nit picking. If DD came home with a serious problem.. I would do something but these little things, if I'm able to let them go, shouldn't I? Or should I keep telling the courts and telling the therapist 'well BD did it again or SM is asserting herself into our lives again.. SM is playing a power struggle again. And that is all it is so if I give up the struggle it doesn't mean they have won or she is now MOM it just means, she doesn't threaten me anymore. I'm not threatened by her taking my place. That used to upset me when DD was younger because I was single and struggling. BD and SM were living the life BD and I used to live. A happy little family, while it was just me and DD and I thought OMGosh it's going to be this way forever. They can provide more.. They have a house and DD is going to want that more than what I have to offer. They will be able to buy her and I won't be able to do that. Well... That is how I USED to feel. What I finally realized about 3 months ago is that SM underestimates my relationship with DD. She thinks that by making DD call her MOM then DD is going to forget that I am her MOM ... But what she failed to realize (and I think i did too) is that no matter what DD calls her, DD knows that I am her mom and the bond we share is not replaceable by anyone but me. I can ruin DDs faith in me but sm will never be able to take it away from me. I think once I realized how much DD is connected to me and not be hearing it from everyone else... But actually seeing it for myself, in relation to SM that is when she no longer was a threat to me in my mind... And I could finally let go of that power struggle. Does that make sense?

My SD9 wants to live with her mom. We asked her why? She says it's more fun there. She misses her mom and when she goes there, it's 'do whatever you want'. She's competing for her mom's attention with the BF and his three kids. She thinks if she is there, mom will pay more attention to her since her mom ignores her when she's here.. and sometimes when she's there too. The bottom line, it's up to both parents to agree on what's best for the child and when they can't agree, a Judge will decide. Changing custody is usually not an easy task, but laws also differ state to state. In CA, there has to be a significant change in circumstances for a Judge to consider changing custody once there is an order. I also see the courts favoring 50/50 or significant co-parenting when possible and if your arrangement is working, there wouldn't be any reason to change it. It really is sad that they are threatening to take her away if she talks about what goes on in their house. I would tell her that you want her to be happy in both homes & you are fine not knowing what happens or what is said at dad's house. However, I would let her know that if there is anything serious or dangerous going on, she needs to tell an adult. Let her know it's okay to tell her counselor or a teacher or any other trusted adult if she isn't supposed to tell you. (of course, as a parent I would want my child to come to me but I would also rather not cause any added anxiety. Plus, some kids will learn to manipulate the situation when they know what to say and how everyone will react)

"has to balance what's best for him and best for you. And sometimes they just aren't going to work. IMO, childs needs come first." See, this is interesting. I think what is so interesting and diverse about this forum (or even when talking to friends in RL) is that EVERYONE is going to have their own opinion; and that opinion is one we have formed based on our own experiences and perspectives. Nivea, you were treated in a really cruel and hurtful manner by your SM, correct? (or am I mixing you up with another poster?) I believe it was you. Anyway, naturally, you are more inclined to empathize and identify with the child (stepchild) and perhaps even project a bit of your own feelings; and that's normal, we ALL do that. Just as I am more likely to identify with someone like Ima or Lamom or Silver, someone who is a SM dealing with difficult situations. Anyway, I know what you mean about the child needing to come first; but I think you are saying this out of your own experiences, which included being emotionally hurt by your cruel and emotionally immature SM who insisted HER needs come first. Correct? That is awful that happened and it's sad that your father allowed you to be pushed aside. (And please correct me if I am mixing up your history with someone else.) Our situation is a little different in that DH had continually made the mistake of doing things to harm our marriage---all under the guise of "it's best for SS." But a lot of what he was doing wasn't even really best for SS. DH wanted me to smooth things over and be nice to BM, even after she attacked me in front of SS. Sure, it might be superficially easier for SS if everything seemed hunky-dory again. But in the long run, what lesson is that teaching him? That violence is acceptable? That it's okay for his mom to behave like that and I will just pretend that everything is okay? Those aren't lessons I want SS or DD learning. So sometimes what IS best for SS isn't necessarily what one might think at face value. Sure, it would be more *pleasant* for him in the short term, but in the long run, I think it does more harm than good. (I don't think this particular weekend issue is even really about anything being "best" for SS, though.) And one thing our marriage counselor has been helping both of us see is that sometimes what's best for the marriage has to come first. And I will say this with 100% conviction: it would NOT be in SS's best interest for DH and I to divorce. Not at all. That would be one of the worst things that could happen for both him and my DD. I may be "just a stepmother" to him but I have been a positive and caring person in his life for almost 7 years. He views my daughter as his sister. He genuinely loves our family and feels a TOTAL part of our family unit...because he is! We are not just some people he spends a few days a month with, he has two families and we are one of them! If that unit were to dissolve, it would honestly devastate SS. It would devastate my DD, as well, but I really think it would be worse on SS. He is very sensitive to these things, and he is the type of child that turns his upsets inward. I know if he were to lose his family, it would really impact him negatively in an emotional sense. So in marriage counseling, one thing DH is having to focus on is sorting out when SS's needs really DO come first, and when it's just BM manipulating "in the name of their son." Obviously, there are times that the child's needs have to come first---heck, that is 95% of parenting! But it is my belief that this is not one of those times. SS's mom is doing well and there is no reason he can't be with her.