It's pretty obvious to me that the only way this woman can make herself feel better about being such a lousy mother to the children you are raising is to criticize you. It's classic psychology, but easy to see through for adults.

Nonetheless, it is undoubtedly aggravating to have all of your efforts constantly under her scrutiny, especially since her actions speak far louder than her words. Her empty promises are not doing anyone any good. I'm sure the kids get their hopes up because they want to believe their mom loves them and cares about them. Meanwhile, she seems to have jumped around (place to place and obviously bed to bed) and can't get it together. My guess is that she can't handle the two kids she has at home very well and their fathers may not have been willing to have custody of them.

It's a shame that women are so easily forgiven for being deadbeats. I'm w/ you about those laws. It isn't fair. I almost think it's worst for a mother, who carried the babies for 40 weeks, to just be able to forget about her kids. Guys, well, sometimes don't even know they are fathers. Sadly, our society has made it very acceptable for people to hop into bed w/ each other, never thinking of the consequences, and not basing their intimacy on anything other than temporary infatuation.

I know you feel the need to justify yourself when she cites little specifics, but you really don't need to. See what the children seem interested in and pursue them when you and they are ready. City leagues usually are pretty affordable when the time comes, and school intramurals are often free, I think. If the kids were w/ her, the only activities they'd have would be packing and unpacking boxes...

My hat's off to you for always taking the high road. The biomom may never appreciate your efforts and if she does, she'll surely never admit it. However, the kids WILL know who was there for them in the middle of night and who said what she meant and meant what she said. The biomom is damaged and you are really the "mom" as it takes more to being a "mom" than giving birth...

Keep taking the high road - you're doing right by these poor kids and your DH,
Dana

They don't want to do it but they want to critisize everything you do or don't do for "their children". You want to just say how many times has she __________ for you?

I would enforce the child support... go through DOR let them track her down and do all the dirty work. She may not be working but if she does they will catch up...

You want to say put up or shut up ... do you feel like the dirt that holds her pedestal upright?

My SC are 11, 9, 8 they are catching on that their mother is useless. Everything is an act ... She doesn't like her daughter so couldn't show up to 2 hours early to see her participate but was stunned when the SD walked by her at (free BBQ) lunch. "little b++++ just walked on by me" But she stayed for the 2 hours for the 9 yr boy. SD to BM "where were this morning how come you came to see him but not me?. I was busy she says."

Just know that you are doing right by them they will catch on may take years but they will get it.

Give the oldest a journal to write her thoughts down ... if she wants to "talk to mom" and can't reach her have her write down what she wants to tell so she can show her BM when she sees her or talks to her she can remember what she wanted to say to her.

It is so nice to have others who go through what I go through. It is very rare to be able to talk to other stepmoms who are raising their stepkids.

I don't personally know any step moms or none that I could/would gripe too.

What I get from friends is "just tell her" "make her" "why doesn't she have her kids" "Is she on drugs?"

Can't tell her anything ... full of excuses

make her! ...how?

why doesn't she have her kids? I just wish she spent as much time trying to see them as she did getting out of the time she has with them.

is she on drugs? No there isn't any rational reason that she can't be with her kids ...

I get the same stuff from friends too. There is no reason why dh's ex doesn't have the kids, except dh just cares more about them then she did! Plus, he is WAY more stable then her...she just moves around constantly! He wanted the kids and fought for them and then she just gave up and has slowly faded herself out! She calls once in a while, to make herself feel better I think! But, as far as we know she is not on drugs. She is just lacking in that maternal feeling department I think. I can not imagine carrying 3 kids for nine months each, and then just walking away in a few years because I met another guy! When things did not work out with me and my ex I took my child with me-there was no doubt about it! And my child was always my top priority! I was pretty much single for 7 years after I left my ex because I was trying to better our life by working and finishing college and focusing the rest of my attention on my child.

Must be something with giving birth to 3 ... maybe that's
"the reason" ... 3 SC and she left for another guy who doesn't like/want kids. BM here never fought for the kids although she told the kids she was fighting for them... "daddy must have bribed the judge you have to live with daddy"

Well her boyfriend has a few kids too...but they all live in another state with their mom! And the kids used to tell us (when she lived in state and saw them) that their moms boyfriend drank a lot and would not watch them when their mom went to work. So, on the weekends their mom had them they went to work with her and sat in a break room for 8 hours with gameboys and stuff! Nice huh! Well after she left state the oldest was crying one day and told me that she was upset that the judge made her mom move out of state! Seems that her mom gave her the impression that she did not have a choice in leaving the state! That was just too much for me.....I had to tell my sd that she must have misunderstood her mom because no judge would order a mom to move to another state than her children!

Maybe the child really did misunderstand what her mother said. My child thought for years that I had agreed to let her father to divorce me and was upset with me about that - she thought that the judge wouldn't allow a couple to divorce unless both parties wanted to. I did not intentionally do or say anything that could have left her with that impression, and I had no idea that she thought that. Short of showing her, at the age of 8, the separation agreement, which specifically states that her father, and not I, wanted the divorce, I don't know how I could have prevented her misconception.

Maybe your SD's mother has no idea that her daughter thinks the judge made her move out of state.

There is a difference ... when the children say things like:

Mommy said the judge fired her and she has to get a new job ... cawfe, what kind of job are you gonna get when the judge fires you? No one can fire me unless I work for them. Did she work for the judge?

Daddy must have bribed the judge thats why we can't live with mommy. ...She never wanted custody.

The judge told mommy she has to pick us up on sundays and thursdays why can't we see her more than that. You can see her anytime you want no one is stopping you from seeing mommy. But the judge said she can only see us on sundays and thursdays.

Why does mommy have to pay you to be our daddy.

They know exactly how much plus arrears. My SC are 11, 9 and 8. 9 yr old sitting on the couch doing math ### + ### is ### plus ##.## and ##.## thats $###.## everytime she gets paid. How is she gonna pay her bills.

She drops them off at 3 pm .... I'm hungry!! why didn't you eat at mommy's? she doesn't have any money for food because she has to pay daddy.

If you take all of mommy's money she will not have a car or house she has bills to ya know!!

do you see a pattern?

There is a difference in being mad at you for divorcing... because she knows you didn't want to divorce. And figures if you got divorced you must have wanted it.

My intended point was that children often completely misinterpret what they hear, and what they repeat may have little relationship to what was actually said.