Hadley, BM has been in your home 2 to 3 times TOO many already...Insensitive isnt the word, demented comes to mind when I read the part of post, well if SS wants BM to see the room, I ll do it when you re not home...Seriously, you do need to reevaluate this marriage..I dont think you re over reacting, I think you re UNDER reacting..I would have left for DAYS, not hours after that conversation to give DH a little thinking space...Truly, I m sad for you....Just asked DH to tell me off the top of his head, what if my SSs Mom wants to see MY sons room....Answer H**L No....Really Hadley, you are SO NOT out of line....

I think you may be overreacting, just a teeny bit. Look at it this way, the reason for the order of protection is her behavior towards you. If you are not home, there is no risk to you at all. Your DH should put his son first and try to have a cooperative parenting relationship with BM. His son shouldn't be deprived of such a small request when it will not hurt anyone. All in all, I think this is very minor. But I do understand your feelings, but think its a difficult to suppress emotional response that should give way to reason.

Is there room for compromise? Could DH be the one to take pics (so nothing not SSs goes in) and send?

Considering what she did to you, no you are not overreacting. However, he is not really going behind your back by asking you up front. (I still don't think he should even have asked you... IF he was asking) If he is telling you, it's still not behind your back but it's inconsiderate as hell!

"DH said I am a "typical woman holding a grudge'"

Those are some fighting words! "typical woman"? Oh hell no! and is he a typical man that caves to his ex because he's afraid of conflict??? NOOO don't say that!!! But, he really needs to learn how to fight fair... that was a low blow.

If it were me.. I'd snap a photo of the room with my cell phone, send it to her and be done with it. She cannot violate a restraining order and he should not allow her to come into a place where she is restrained from being.

I can see how you would feel violated and be uncomfortable with the idea of allowing her into your house. It might also tend to make your protective order look 'unnecessary' and weaken your legal standing for the future.

IMO, KKNY's idea of having Hubby snap a few pictures for BM is the best. It meets SS's and her legitimate interest in seeing his new room, and supports your right to be and feel safe in your own home.

That said, flipping out and Hubby's "typical woman" comment are both unproductive.

Like Dotz, my DH was a deputy sheriff (now retired) so I did this scenario for him except using us/his ex as example and asked his opinion. His answer "NO, she'd better follow that R.O. and keep her a$$ out". That was my opinion but I wanted it from his perspective. You probably couldn't PAY his ex to come in our house, not because of me, but him.

Mariealways,. I dont think in all the time I ve been reading these posts, maybe 2 plus years, one infuriated me as much as yours....As long as nobody gets hurt, no danger to Hadley. Son comes first, co operative parenting..GAG ME....Its Hadleys HOME..This nightmare BM lost her rights to co operative parenting when she gave Hadley a black eye and violated her home...Are you joking???? You must be about ten minutes into step parenting, or you ve read all the candyland bonus web parenting websites..Yeah, Real PC answer, its all about sonnys tender feelings....She has NO RIGHT to their home...NONE.....

I concur. I was thinking pictures would work too, then saw KK had beat me to it!! Good job. Nothing wrong with pictures.

No way, no how is that woman coming in my house (oops, I mean your house!) :)

My ex and my DH's ex haven't done anything even remotely close to that and we still have an agreement that they don't come in our house. When necessary we meet them at a neutral location to do drop off/pick up. Which, since they both live in different states, does not happen that often.

Sorry kiddo. But keeping your house a "safe place" is of utmost importance. Take some pictures, they'll last longer!

And typical woman my bum. A typical woman would have slapped his sorry mouth for saying such horrible things! Just kidding. Kind of. You took the high road IMO.

And he may not have "gone behind your back" but he basically said if SS pushed enough he'd let her regardless of your input/wishes/stated opinion. Not ok. No one should let anyone in the family home with whom everyone in the family is not comfortable. No one.

Sorry. DH is being an A@@ this time. Hopefully he'll come to his senses soon.

Dotz -- you are obviously easily infuriated and should take care of that. Much of what you wrote is completely illogical.

For example:

"This nightmare BM lost her rights to co operative parenting when she gave Hadley a black eye and violated her home." -- Are you serious? I do not disagree that this BM has serious issues. That is why there is a protective order in place. Nonetheless, what you say is completely ridiculous. Because BM hates lovehadley, she has forever lost the right to work with her ex where their son is concerned, i.e. co-parent? I wasn't aware that lovehadley and ex had a child together. Honestly, taking such ridiculous positions that make all step-moms look bad.

And then you insult me because you disagree with me... Come on now, grow up please.

"Because BM hates lovehadley, she has forever lost the right to work with her ex where their son is concerned, i.e. co-parent"

Ok I have to say--this statement rubs me the wrong way. In my opinion, how BM *feels* about me is irrelevant. (And btw--she didn't hate me at the time or she wouldn't have been crying on my shoulder in my kitchen that night.)

I would replace the "because BM hates lovehadley" with "because BM got drunk, tried to drive drunk with her son and then assaulted lovehadley."

The situation that BM created here has NOTHING to do with her hating me and everything to do with her violent, unpredicatable, drunken behavior.

If she hates me, that's FINE. She is entitled to FEEL any way she darn well wants, but she is NOT entitled to punch people because of those feelings.

I don't think that BM can't co-parent with DH. And the courts recognize that, too, because my RO clearly states that BM is allowed to go to ANY school/extracurricular activities with SS, regardless of whether I will be there or not. THAT is co-parenting. Entering our home is not co-parenting.

Thanks ladies for the opinions. Pictures are a good idea. We'll see. My DH can be a stubborn @$$ at times,and for SOME reason this is one of those times. We talked more the other night and are at a standstill---he maintains if SS pushes the issue, he will let BM come in because it's the "right thing" to do. I maintain that I am 100% opposed to the idea.

If it really happens...I just don't know. To me--this one thing is a small issue, but it is the symptom of a BIG problem. (not sure if that makes any sense at all)

I'm sorry this has happened Love, and I do agree with you. BM is NOT allowed in your home.

DH is a 'typical man' who thinks different to us 'typical women':-) So he wants to do it for SS and organise it for when you are not there. I suppose at least he is talking to you about it before organising it. That's better than going behind your back.

Buuutttt, having said all that; he needs to understand that he is not doing SS a favor by letting BM in your home. He's disregarding the order for protection and that might have future implications. And those implications could be affecting your family and in particular SS, so he really can't afford to yeopardise that.

If BM was invited into your home by DH she can totally give outsiders the message that DH undermines his own wife and clearly does not think the order of protection is a necessity. Dangerous grounds. To me it's simple; photos is all BM will see of the room.

And I also think, especially after what you've been through with BM lately, even if your request is a bit over the top (not that it is but for arguments' sake) than he should still honor it, because that is what you do for each other.

I hope that you guys can work it out. And when you do than DH needs to explain to SS that BM is not legally allowed in your home anymore. Not in a mean-spirited way(as you wouldn't anyway), but factual. Don't shy away from talking to SS about it, you are not bad-mouthing BM. And DH can tell him that he would like it to be different because he feels bad for SS, but an order of protection should not be breached. So let's take some photos because that way SS can still show BM what the room looks like. Symphatize with SS and offer an alternative, it is really very reasonable.

Good luck!

"To me--this one thing is a small issue, but it is the symptom of a BIG problem. (not sure if that makes any sense at all)"

He's not taking your feelings into consideration. It is your home also and yet he feels he can ultimately make a decision and disregard your thoughts, wishes and/or wants. It's almost as if YOU and YOUR feelings don't factor into it at all - like you're invisible. Is this what you are meaning?

OR I could very well be projecting my feelings onto you!!! My husband is so very considerate of everyone elses feelings - except mine...

"My DH can be a stubborn @$$ at times,and for SOME reason this is one of those times. We talked more the other night and are at a standstill---he maintains if SS pushes the issue, he will let BM come in because it's the "right thing" to do"

One of the reasons, and I'm just guessing... he is afraid it would make him look bad to the courts if he refuses to allow the mother of his child to see the child's room. He may also think his son will see him as "the bad guy that won't let mom come to see my room." The right thing to do? That is to keep his family safe.. including his wife. The right thing to do? Obey the court's orders, including the order of protection. The right thing to do? Respect his wife. The right thing to do? Explain to son that there are consequences to actions and mom's consequence is she is no longer allowed to come into dad's home.

Then maybe you can take pictures and help SS put it in a collage or scrapbook format with captions and photos of him for his mom... make it fun for him and tell him it's something his mom can keep and treasure...

Yes, he is being extremely insensitive. This woman assaulted you. Not only that, but she assaulted you in front of their son!

Not only does he have an obligation to protect you, he is also obligated to show your SS what is normal and healthy behavior. No one on this planet deserves to put up with a physical assault, his son should be shown that it is just not tolerated under any circumstances...biomom or not! This is exactly what happens when you hit someone else, you're not invited to their home.

KKNY's suggestion of pictures is very nice, but a home visit is making the assault acceptable in everyone's eyes (including the little ones.)

I dont think DH should have said what he did. People can and do say things in anger. I agree you need to sit down with him calmly. I would say the OP says she is not to be in the house, and you do not want any more court battles. I dont know much about OP, but I would be afraid once you and DH allow it to be violated, it can become void.

I cant imagine a mom not being happy with pictures, lots, of son in his room, room etc. I love pictures of my D. Dad should tell SS, we are going to something real nice for your mom, we are going to take some real nice pictures, wit you and the room. Make SS feel good about it.

Mariealways, I will concede that I phrased that very poorly, BM nightmare has lost rights to co operative parenting.I am thinking more along the lines of BM has lost the right for leeway, consideration,of her sons request to come into Hadleys home.To stop co parenting, no..However, I am still angry, and hopefully, will never grow up ;)

"The right thing to do? Explain to son that there are consequences to actions and mom's consequence is she is no longer allowed to come into dad's home"

I agree, and this was what I tried to relay to DH when we re-visited the issue. He does think that it is "bad-mouthing" BM if we tell SS that BM cannot come in our home. He thinks it will make SS feel hurt and upset, and he said it will backfire on him, and SS will view him (or me) as the bad guy.

It all just seems so emotionally unhealthy to me. It's this hush, hush, we're going to pretend everything is all fine and good, and sweep things under the rug mentality.

It is really frustrating.

Easier said than done, but DH should have told X not to tell SS she wants to come in house because it is against court orcer. I think DH should email X and politely but matter of factly tell her this now and suggest she tell SS pictures will be jsut fine.

You'd have to put me in chains to go in my Xs house.

Hadley, can you get a statement from the courts, judge, or whomever set the protection order that states allowed entry would void the order? If so, show this to your husband... he is a man, and they often seem to agree with facts of someone besides their own wives. I understand DH doesn't want to hurt his boy, but he's gotta understand how this is affecting you! I think the photo thing is an excellent compromise...

There were 2 or 3 times in the last 10 years that my SD's BM came into our house. Even though my situation with her has never been anything near how you describe yours, I was never comfortable with the idea of her being there even (especially) when I wasn't home. My DH took me to SD's BM's house last weekend because he wanted me to "see" where SD is living now since she's moved out of our house. I tell you what, I was SOOO uncomfortable being in there... BM wasn't there, just DH's girls, and besides the plain-out nasty housekeeping, my skin was crawling the whole time and I just wanted to leave! It was just wrong... Blech!

Sounds to me like your Hubby is still enabling BM --
Making excuses for her poor behavior,
forgiving her time and time again,
taking her every call, even when it's inconvenient and trivial,
supporting her rights as a parent to the detriment of your marriage,
and teaching SS (by example) that it's OK to tolerate abuse.

Have you two ever addressed this in counseling? Because if, as you say, "it is the symptom of a BIG problem", then that big problem really ought to be addressed.

I usually just read this forum, and am not a mother or a step mother, but I have to respond since I've been following your story.

I would be furious too if I were you! If he were the one that was assaulted, he wouldn't be taking this so lightly. It seems like he doesn't think it's a big deal at all. Holding a grudge!?! She punched you! He should be livid that anyone would dare lay a hand on his wife! Since your SS witnessed it, I'm sure he would understand why she wouldn't be allowed in your house. To be honest, if I were you, I would tell him that if she violates the order by coming into your house, you will be calling the police to have her arrested, and that's that.

From what I can see the "big problem" seems to be that DH and love are not equals in their relationship, that DH has made choices or statements and Love sees those as not considerate of her opinions or feelings.

In other words, BM coming over is a problem, but the bigger problem is the way DH handled the situation. Then it gets twisted into Love is not being generous or understanding, Love is not considering the feelings of SS and is selfish and uncooperative, Love has a problem, instead of looking at the real issue, which really isn't BM visiting it's the way the whole situation played out.

It's a manipulation.

If the reason you do not want her there would be that you don't like her, then it would be overeacting on your part.

BUT since the reason is her assaulting you, then under no circumstances should she be in your house ever.

It is OK to take a pic of SS's room like kkny said but it is not OK for her to be there.

I would be upset beyond belief, i still think that she needed to be in jail for assault and here he invites her over. wow. sorry, i would be also very upset. it is very wrong. Your home is yours and his, not BM's.

Both i and X have been in each other houses but then we never assaulted anybody. But I honestly never cared how DD's room looks in his house. Why does BM want to see it? To snoop around?

Wrong on every level. and BM knows better than insist. DH is too entangled wiht X especially the one who attacks HIS WIFE!

BM assaulted lovehadley not because she hates her but because she is an alcoholic who was drunk at the time and tried to drive away drunk with her child in the car. So she is banned from love's house as per court order.

So where are exactly her rights in visiting her X's and lovehdaley's house? She is not denied rights to be wiht her son but who says she has some special rights to visit exhusband's house? Especially if courts say she is not allowed there? Your post just doesn't make any sense.

If my X would assault me or in fact anyone else in my house, he would still have a relationship wiht his DD (although it would be tainted badly) but he sure would not have any special rights in visiting MY home.

The thing is though---in this case, BM is not the one wanting to come over. I don't know if SS has discussed it with her or not. (Although it would not surprise me in the least to find out she asked him if she could come see it.) BUT--all I know at this point, and I have no reason to believe anything other--is that my SS asked DH if his mom could see his bedroom.

I also want to clarify that nothing has happened yet. I really don't know what DH would do if push came to shove. Sometimes he is all talk with his stubborn stuff, but at the end of the day, he does listen to me. He just will do it on his own terms.

And sometimes, although very rarely, he does disregard my opinion. I don't necessarily mind that because I am sure there are times I disregard HIS opinion. We don't always agree and sometimes we have to agree to disagree.

But this is the only time it has been something I feel very strongly about, though.

"If the reason you do not want her there would be that you don't like her, then it would be overeacting on your part."

FD, I totally disagree. No one should come over to the house if both parties don't agree to it. No one. I don't care if she wants to see the room.

"The thing is though---in this case, BM is not the one wanting to come over. I don't know if SS has discussed it with her or not."

Good point. I think it's important for kids to be told that just because they want something, doesn't mean they should get it. It seems parent's today are afraid to say no to their kids or allow their kids to have any kind of disappointment.

I don't think anyone would ever argue that parents should not be cooperative for the kids' sake, but when a parent has assaulted or really just can't get along the other parent or new spouse, then bringing that into the home of EITHER party is not good for the kids. Parents are responsible for teaching kids how to behave and when mom teaches son to handle a problem by punching someone, dad needs to teach son there are consequences. If the parents just don't like each other and really can't get along (even for the kids' sake~ as sad as it is), then it's best to not invite that around the kids either, after all we might tell our kids if they say someone isn't being nice, "well, don't play with so & so anymore if they are not going to play nice/fair."

silverswood, i agree wiht you to an extend.

i guess it was just a general comment... if let's say one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's sibling or parents (just doesn't like them, no reason) it is not good enough reason to ban from the house. you have to agree just not liking someone isn't good enough reason.

but if that same sibling or a parent assaults the other spouse, then it is totally different story. some people don't like others for bizzare reason, like their race or sexual orientation or religion, not good enough reason to not let them in (provided they don't assault anyone LOL).

If someone doesn't like my DD or my brother oh too bad. i am not going to get a permission from a spouse to invite my family over. that was my point.

I didn't mean exspouse is a family,I guess my examples are just general situation with people coming over

Leaving out all feelings and reactions, I think it would be making a mockery of the protection order. Next thing you know she will be telling her lawyer or a judge "they invited me in".

I agree with all that said she does not belong in your home. Your dh is enabling her pathetic behavior.

IF it were me I would tell dh that this is OUR home and as part of the home I do not want bm inside....she attacked you!!! I would tell him that pictures would be sufficient for ss to show her his room. I would not back down on this one.

Admittedly I'm quite thankfully ignorant of protection orders, but I'm sure that your DH-- and probably not even you-- can legally give BM "permission" to violate it. So assuming that it isn't even her idea (and I can certainly imagine a child thinking perfectly innocently, hey, I want to show mom my new room and saying so). Your DH is basically proposing "enticing" an out-of-control, sometimes-violent alcoholic into violating a court order restricting her behavior. This is not just enabling her bad behavior, it's actively undermining any attempt (if she's making one) at good behavior. Plus ignoring your perfectly valid feelings on the subject. No, this is not a good thing.

she will be telling her lawyer or a judge "they invited me in".

Excellent point. If it ever came up, and when you least expect it, it will, the court will not look favorably on a restraining order that was granted to you, yet you violated it yourself. (Even if it was your DH and not actually you, it will be viewed unfavorably.)

Finedreams, I can see your point. But I still feel like it is the home of two adults and their children. If anyone feels uncomfortable about ANYONE coming over that should take priority. If my DH didn't want my sister to come over, or I didn't want his aunt to come over, it seems there are enough alternatives - meeting at a park, at a restaurant, anywhere, really... so that the one place in our lives where we should feel completely comfortable is not violated. Of course, there is the extreme of that situation where a spouse could arbitrarily say "no" but that would suggest something bigger is going on than just someone coming over. Finding out what the root of the issue is would be top priority at that point (did they make you uncomfortable, did they steal from the house, is their hygiene disgusting, are they insulting...etc) so that the problem could potentially be solved. "hey bro, you stink! take a shower before you come over, ok?"

In this case, you can't fix stupid. BM made a really bad choice, and one of the consequences to physical abuse is not being able to come in that person's safe zone again. Until the abused person is comfortable with it. If ever.

No sympathy for BM from me. I don't care if love provoked it. (not that I'm saying she did). There is NO excuse for physical violence, especially in front of children, and the whole drunk driving part makes me sick to my stomach.

Well I guess we have to differ here, i would absolutelly not be meeting my sister in a park because my DH doesn't want her over (provided she is not verbally insulting or abusive). of course if someone is insulting then I'd rather not bring them over even if they are my own parents, but I think if a spouse so doesn't like (and there is no major issue such as violence or insults or stealing) and don't want the other spouse's family and friends over, then there is some more serious issue there. Possibly control issue. I would not be controlled by anybody this way. If that's how my marriage would be, then I would leave.

BUT saying that if it is EXSPOUSE who is invited over then of course new spouse has rights to say "no". Even if that person is not insulting. Unless it is major life events like weddings or college graduations there is no need for exspouses to be in the same house.

Not at all FD. I think we actually agree. I'm just saying I'd respect my spouses needs regarding the house. As he would of my wishes.

I wrote "Of course, there is the extreme of that situation where a spouse could arbitrarily say "no" but that would suggest something bigger is going on than just someone coming over. Finding out what the root of the issue is would be top priority at that point"

That's an arbitrary No. Which could mean control issues, as you put it, which would require a deeper examination of where a person is in their relationship. My dh and I, other than the agreement about our exes, do not often say we do not want someone coming over. But it does happen on occasion. There can be things going on, someone can be tired, etc. In that case I think it's completely reasonable not to have guests over. We do it with our kids (no,
Sally can't come over...) why can't we extend the same respect to our spouses? (of course, barring arbitrary no and perceived or real control issues)

First you wrote...""If the reason you do not want her there would be that you don't like her, then it would be overeacting on your part.""

I disagreed.

Next you wrote..."if let's say one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's sibling or parents (just doesn't like them, no reason) it is not good enough reason to ban from the house. you have to agree just not liking someone isn't good enough reason."

And then you wrote..."BUT saying that if it is EXSPOUSE who is invited over then of course new spouse has rights to say "no". Even if that person is not insulting."

Yes, not liking someone is a good enough reason, if they have a valid point. Which would be something that would have to be decided within the context of the individual relationship.

I still think not liking someone is not a good enough reason. can't people put up with someone for the sake of other people? what's the valid point? who is to decide? I think mature people can put up wiht others once in a while if those others are important for their spouses.
of course if it is exspouse then different rules apply and if new spouse says "no" I would agree, but I think always saying "no" could be overeacting. If exspouse who is nice and considerate wants to innocently see child's room, always sceraming "NO" could be overeacting (again I am talking about nice exspouse).

If my DD's SM said that i should never see DD's room (and DD would be there half a time) i would know she is insecure and jealous. why else? I am nice. I would think it is overeacting. Like by now she would know I am not going to snoop or cause troubles.

i would respect SM's wishes and I think X should to, she is his wife but i would see it as overeacting and maybe jealousy. My SO would not want my X anywhere around me, and yes he is jealous. LOL he doesn't even like when i am on the phone wiht X, let alone having him over and I was divorced for like forever. I respect that, but I think he overreacts nonetheless. he thinks every ex is crazy like his exwife, well it is not the case.

Yes, your DH is an insensitive a$$. No, you should not feel like you need to give in on this. She ASSAULTED you in your own home! Your DH should be furious about that even still. Just the simple fact that he isn't is disturbing enough. Seems like to me that he told you about letting her in the house just to stir you up. And it worked.

I love KKNY's idea of the pictures. We did this with my X and it worked great.

I agree with whomever said that she may just tell her attorney that you invited her in. It could seriously backfire on your DH.

And I agree with whomever said you should tell SS that his mom can't come over right now. After all of the things this poor boy has gone through, I think he's entitled to some honesty. All of this sugar-coated bulls*it is screwing with his head. He needs to know that what is mom did is a serious thing and there are consequences for that. Maybe when he asks, DH can say something like "Well, right now Mom can't come see your room because of what happened.....but how about we send some pictures to her instead?" And just leave it at that.

In Texas, voluntarily having her in the home would invalidate the order.

Get a lawyer to verify.

I wish you the best.

IF BM will go to your house, i can guarantee she will bring it up in court. She will say: "if I am that troubled and if I assaulted his wife and if I need treatment why do they invite me over? i didn't even ask, they called me and ask to come over". It would make DH and you look pretty stupid.

Agree with most here...dh is being insensitive @ss. Also agree that if ss wants mom to see his room, then just take some pictures. She doesn't have to set foot in your house to see it.