When you find out how to get the warm fuzzy feelings about your husband back, please let me know.

Mine have been damaged too, but not by the kids. It has definitely been a struggle, though.

I'm sorry, Vivian. I can't recall your issues in particular? Feel free to explain or leave it unsaid, if your prefer. I will keep my fingers crossed for both of us to regain some love towards these men...

I truly wonder if I'll ever feel the same way about DH again. And, for the most part, the "D" hasn't been standing for "dear" lol. I try to remember the fear I had when I nearly lost him last year to a sudden illness. That helps me remember that I DID love him, very much, and the thought of losing him was terrifying. However, I also remember his son refusing my calls (when DH was in ICU and SS was the only one of his 3 grown kids in FL) and us still footing the bill for that grown brat's car, cell, student loan til now, despite him not having any common courtesy to return our calls to this day. Sheesh.

On a different note, this board has helped me realize that I don't want my kids coming from a broken home if at all possible, not that I don't consider our home "broken" to some degree as it is...

Anyway, my friend who gave me this therapist's name, did say that she, too, thought her heart was hardened towards her DH, but that the therapist helped her get those good feelings to return. So, if I get back to close to where I once was, I'll fly you down here to see the "miracle worker" who also said Friday that I would once again open up my heart to my husband...

Dana

No, my stepkids are great. Surprisingly, they're the LEAST of my problems. I look forward to them being here this next week. Everything is so much more interesting when they're here. (They're girl 16 and boy 13)

I probably would've left by now were it not for those kids. We have none of our own.

Back in February, my husband had a panic attack while he was at work, came to the ER at the hospital where I work, yada, yada, yada... He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and has been on disability up until this month--which has paid only a portion of his wages and checks from them have been SSLLLLOOWWW coming. Over the years I've worked with a lot of patients on disability, workers' compensation, etc. and know that this can happen--and with his diagnosis being what it is, the insurance carriers REALLY DON'T like paying benefits on it. Heck, I don't like them paying benefits on it. (I'm a cynic. Comes with the territory.)

Anyway, I digress. Since March I have been working the equivalent of two full time jobs just trying to keep the bills paid around here (my one full time and three part time). His disability checks have been just about enough to keep the child support paid and buy a few groceries. I've been responsible for everything else. He spent three months puttering around the house and bouncing back and forth between doctors and counselors. (Don't even get me started on the quality of treatment from some of these so-called 'professionals.') His boss kept calling and wondering when he was coming back. They were very concerned and WANTED him to come back as soon as he could. But he didn't. He said that he "hated" that job. They ended up terminating his employment in June. This is a horrendous feeling to someone who has been working 12-14 hour days almost EVERY day just trying to keep the bills paid. He just basically decided that he didn't want to go back to work there--and has only recently started looking for a job. He was offered one job, but he doesn't really want it so he's not going to take it. He's been doing some work on his own, setting tile, but it's not really reliable and doesn't pay benefits. I keep telling him that he needs to get a full time job with benefits and THEN work on building up his side business, but I may as well be talking to the wall.

I've been very, very disappointed in him. There was no reason why he had to stay at a job he hated so much. He could've looked. I told him plenty of times to do JUST THAT. He even told me several years ago after one of our conversations about his job (of which there were many) that it was going to take him quitting and THEN looking for a job to get him to do it. He even forecasted his own panic attack. He just quit, dumped all the financial responsiblity in my lap, and took a four month vacation. Needless to say, I'm very bitter and VERY angry and very, very tired. He's always said that he wanted to be a kid again. Well, that's exactly what he's done.

I don't even feel like his wife anymore. I feel more like his mommy. He really, really blew it on this one. I've cried every day since February with the stress of it all and there just doesn't seem to be any end to it.

I'm glad the kids are coming tonight. It'll give me something else to think about this week.

Vivian,

You have a very,very tough situation on your hands.

If he'd had a heart attack and was recovering, you probably would feel differently and take on the additional burdens and just be greatful he survived.

But with his depression and anxiety, he's sort of checked out and dumped everything in your lap and I can see why you are feeling like his mommy and not his wife. I think you have lost respect for him.

Just a couple of questions that I would ask myself: Is he progressing in his treatment or do you think he is using this as an excuse to extend the vacation?

Does he realize how hard this has been on you (have you told him how tired you are) or are you doing everything but just feeling resentful - not letting him know.

I don't know how "sick" he is and you don't want to push him over the edge, but I think if I felt he was exaggerating it to continue on vacation, I would tell him what it is doing to you and then see a good marriage counselor together, who will hopefully point out to him how unfair this is to you.

I wish you good luck.

Ehh,...he's better. He's been well enough to go back to work for a couple of months now, but he just feels that he should "love" his job and that he shouldn't have to do something he just doesn't "love." Well, jobs are pretty scarce around this town, and he doesn't want to leave town to work because he hates the 1/2 hour drive to the next, bigger town. (I do it every day.)

Yes, I've BEGGED him to go back to work. I need help. I told him that. I feel like I'm drowning most of the time. He says that I need to be patient and that "he needs TIME" to get his own business established. Yes, he can do many things--set tile, carpentry, paint, etc. but I need help NOW. I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait. I think that I've been pretty damn patient.

He's been doing some tile jobs for family, but that's at a discounted rate, of course, and that work will eventually run out and its out of town. He needs to stay in town long enough to solicit more here.

It doesn't really matter to him how I feel, I think. I've told him in no uncertain terms that this isn't fair and that I need help, but all that seems to matter to him is how HE feels and that means that he can't have ANY stress in his life. So while he's happily puttering around this house waiting for the phone to ring, I'm working my tail off just trying to keep the bills paid. I don't know quite what to do at this point. I have started to get physical manifestations of stress--weight gain, rashes (It always happens that I get itchy things!), fatigue. I just don't know how much I'm supposed to take and it's getting old very quickly. I haven't left because I can't bear the thought of putting those kids through another divorce and the fact that I wouldn't be able to see them.

Vivian,

It sounds like you have done everything you can to try to hold things together in your family. You've taken on additional work to pay the bills and you've talked to him about your stress level and it doesn't seem to work.
Please take care of yourself as the physical manifestations of stress you mentioned will take its toll on you. No one can go like you are going without eventually collapsing from it and add to that the frustration and anger you must be feeling and that is a terrible combination.

If it were me, I would probably go and talk to a counselor (a good one) to at least get your feelings out. Perhaps your husband should be brought in as well so that he can see what this is doing to you - and to your marriage.

The counselors he has seen for his depression have probably had him focusing on "him" and he is acting like a man who is really not thinking about anything other than his issues. He doesn't seem to be too concerned with how this has impacted you, from what you've written.

Perhaps a counselor that focuses on the two of you would be helpful to get a better understanding of why he seems unwilling and unable to help you.

Best of wishes to you.

Vivian,

I have to agree w/ June0000. You are going to end up killing yourself (or him!) if you continue at this pace.

It should be very simple: tell him to take Ativan to keep the panic attacks at bay. Tell him he's going to have to take a less desirable job for the benefits until his business, which you believe in, is in full swing. Then, tell him you're cutting back on your schedule as you just cannot continue at this pace. Could you secretly NOT quit a job but have an injury needing physical therapy which is really when you go to odd job #3? In the meantime, take up yoga - even if it means buying a home video just to destress. I've been given this advice by many who claimed it changed their lives. Like you, I don't have the 20-30 min. of dead space in my day to sit down and do it, but I'm vowing to somehow make the time at some point.

I hate to be deceptive, but DH is doing you a terrible disservice here. I am so sorry you have to deal w/ this. It's so strange the way men can just do things like this! I guess I'm raising the next generation of men to learn from all the mistakes this generation has done...

Dana

Frankly, I'd have to go WAY out of town to find a decent counselor, and I just don't have time to do that nor the energy. He has an appointment with the psychiatrist some time this month. (Finally a psychiatrist--not just a 'counselor.') I don't know. I have my fingers crossed.

I may leave yet. Hard to tell at this point.

The other day he whined to me that "we don't do the things that we used to do." And that I don't do things WITH him like I used to--like work in the yard. (I used to like to garden.) He's right, we don't do a lot of things together like that anymore. I work 70 hours a week. By the time the work is done, I really, really just want to relax.

No, I don't even complain about it anymore. I don't talk about it much with him. There doesn't seem to be a point in doing it because I get nowhere. The only thing that he's going to do is what he WANTS to do--which leaves me WAY out in the cold and very much ignored. He puts on a good show of being concerned and worrying about me, but I don't believe anything he says anymore. The only thing that means anything is what he does. It's the whole 'actions speak louder than words' thing, you know? As long as he turns down work just because he doesn't "want" to do it, I remain disappointed and feel very taken advantage of.

Still, I won't lose the house. I won't let the bank come get the cars. I'll make sure that my taxes are paid. Things may be late on occasion, but by golly they'll be paid and nobody's going to starve to death. The thing is that now I do it for me and the kids. It doesn't have a whole lot to do with him. I gave up expecting much in that respect.

Vista, I did recently just let go of one my part-time jobs. (I do medical transcription at home in addition to doing a full time MT job at a local hospital) It got to be too much so I did let that go. Still, my other part time job is 25-30 hours per week and there is NO WAY I'm giving that one up. I've worked for that doctor for 15 years.

Nope, I've tried saying to him that he needed to get a full time job working FOR someone until he'd built up his business, and he's sort of been half-hearted about it. He's had a couple of interviews, one job offer, but he really doesn't want to do it, so he won't. I can't make him grow up and act responsibly. I'm not his mommy. I give up. I won't push him anymore.

Sometimes you just have to quit beating your head against the same brick wall....

So sorry, Vivian. I can certainly understand why your heart is hardened.

You are SO right - actions SCREAM much louder than a few words of 'concern.'

Bless you for caring so much for your skids. You must be a huge bright spot in their lives.

I'm glad your DH is going to see a psychiatrist. Maybe there's a legitimate imbalance or something. But, psychiatrists generally treat patients w/ drugs. Like I said before, Ativan does wonders to keep away panic attacks and help them quickly disappear if they rear their ugly heads. There's really no reason your husband can't work, however, w/ them. I suffered from them from the third trimester of my pg'cy w/ my oldest (now 7) until months after weaning my youngest (now 3) and never missed a day of work, even when 9 mo. pg.

I told my husband in front of the psychologist that I felt like his mother, not his wife. I also added that I once ended my dental school longterm relationship when I felt similarly as my then-bf seemed to regress in maturity and I was stuck helping all of his patients. Anyway, w/ my DH, it's like he's a dumb little kid, spending before balancing the checkbooks and hiding crap from me. And, he's WAY older than me. Go figure. So, I see how you feel like your husband's mother. I wonder what he'd do w/o you - sit there and continue to NOT take jobs that don't rock his world? Well, I'm still looking for Robin Leach's old job to open up where I can travel around and critique resorts of the rich and famous, but until it does, I'm stuck filling cavities...

Good luck,
Dana