I'm not cranky, nor am I going to attack... I can understand how it would be difficult to build a relationship with a child when you do not care for his/her personality... there are five children in total and I'm sure the others take up plenty of your time & energy. You are not obligated to love him or have a relationship any more than he is obligated to love or have a relationship with you. Let his father parent him. It's not your job. He does not live there, he only visits... so let his father spend time with him and have a relationship with him. You can focus on your children. Having unrealistic expectations about everyone in the family should feel any certain way about each other, is only setting up disappointments. You are not going to change his personality, he is not going to warm up to you when he may feel your dislike of his personality. If you can't handle accepting that you are not going to change him, then you might consider leaving the relationship or removing yourself from the situation when he is there. It would be horrible if your feelings make his visits less than enjoyable for him and his father or worse, if he were to stop seeing his father because of you. So, take him off your to do list and move on. He is not your child, he is not your problem... there is nothing to fix besides your attitude toward him. Quite frankly, I was a bit outraged at the mention of DNA. My SD is 10. A few months ago, her mother shouted at my DH that he isn't even her father... and for a couple of days, he considered a DNA test. My SD looks NOTHING like my DH. I would be lying if I said it never crossed my mind but she is 10 years old, he is her father... he loves her & she loves him. Isn't that more important than DNA? I asked my DH what he would do if the results came back that he was not biologically her father, he didn't want to find out. It would devastate him. I cannot imagine why anyone would voice that question after so many years when a relationship has been formed and the one that will be crushed will surely be the child if they lost the person they thought was their parent. How horrible is that? It made my heart break when I read that. As for shaping kids that don't live with you... kids are not shaped by ONE person. They are shaped by all the life experiences and people in their lives. Parents are primary but they learn from their teachers, friends, neighbors, clergy, and even strangers they see in public, who they may never meet. I also don't believe it's possible to contain your displeasure for someone unless you are good at being fake. You may smile but we all give out vibes and kids are excellent at feeling that out... from birth. If you can't change your feelings, the best thing you can do to make the situation bearable for everyone is to keep your distance and let him have a relationship with his father.

Lucy34527, I am so sorry to hear about all of the frustrations BM is causing you, your family, and your SS!! It's so disheartening when someone tries to manipulate the mind of a child in order to feel like a "winner". UGH my deepest sympothies to you. I wish I had a quick fix for a situation like this, but we all know that when it comes to divorced parents, children, and step parents- there is no easy answer! I swear, these divorced men should come with a handbook!! (HAHA!) I CAN, however, pass along the title to a book me and my SO have read front to back at least 2 times each that has helped us tremendously!! I actually heard about the book from another blogger on this site and am SOOOO glad we read it! It's called "Joint Custody with a Jerk; Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex" (A hands-on, practical guide to communicating with a difficult ex-spouse) This book helped my SO and I to learn how to manage problems that seem so unmanagable. It also helped us with our own relationship and the relationship we have with his son! Look into it, I hope it helps, and stay strong!

Sweeby, I tend to agree with you. I truely believe my SS is a sociopath. I have researched it extensively and he is dead on. Even to the point that we got puppies for each of the kids last year and he would feed and water his, walk it when the others walked theirs but he never loved on it like the others did. Never smiled at it when it was happy to see him. He was detached. Honestly, that was when I first started to notice he was a little different. He can turn it on, when he knows others are watching, or even mimic others "normal" behavior, he is just different. His puppy didn't grow and learn like the others because he didn't take time with her. When he went to his mothers and said he wasn't coming back, I was at least relieved that I could find the puppy someone to love her. To this day he has never even asked where she is! Was my husband a great father? No. He thought he was, he tried so hard. He stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years convinced (by his wife and her family) that if he left he would never see his sons again. That is a ridiclous farce! But my husband, while the kindest soul I have ever know, isn't the most intellectual man. He was on his own at age 15 and all he wanted was a family. He endured SO MUCH to keep his family together and while he THOUGHT he was doing the right thing, it was in the end, the absolute worst thing he could have done. Children who grow up in a battle zone, watching their mother belittle their father over and over, watching their mother lose her temper and hit herself in the head, having one affair after another, that is bound to produce some twisted individuals. My husband tried to keep them busy, Boy Scouts, football, basketball, bowling leagues, track...he was at every practice, every game, helped coach..anything he could to keep them busy and focused on something positive. Yes, he feels gulity. I don't bring it up anymore, he talks when he needs to talk and I listen. Last night for the first time, he said, "I should have taken my boys and left when they were little. They would be different now." I know that is true and I know that is why he puts up with so much, he is largely to blame. No, he wasn't a mean father, but he was an ignorant one, either way, his boys are damaged. I feel bad for my SSs and I am very maternal by nature, so I have tried so hard to take care of them. I wonder if maybe there isn't some jealousy there by the 18 year old because he didn't grow up with that kind of mother. His mother is SO selfish! I have never seen anything like it! Well, my SSs....I have loved on him, he and I had one on one "date nights" and days of shopping and lunches like I do with the others, talked about everything under the sun. I just think it is too late... When his behavior affects my children I have to say no more. Some have asked about my 20 year old SS that I have only met twice. Right in the middle of the split between his parents, he "came out". He was 17. He really , really needed understanding and nurturing. He didn't get it. His mother was vested in her new relationship and his father was licking his own wounds. Both adults were selfish and not there for their son in a very, very crucial time in his life. He is still angry and hurt. While my husband now sees his mistake and wants to be there for his son, he is now going to have to wait until his son is ready to forgive him. Which is why my husband calls him very Sunday and leaves him a message, without fail. He tried to live with his mother and her boyfriend and that didn't work out because the boyfriend was calling him a *ag every day! I wish he would give us a chance but he just isn't ready... I saw on FB recently that he was saying he needed money for groceries. I told my husband (who doesn't realy do the FB thing)and he sent him money for groceries. It's a start... Need to add, the SSs do NOT get along! It's just a big mess! : ( I have to leave it all to my husband. He created this situation, regardless of his intentions, it is time for him to step up and take care of his own. I am just going to take care of mine and see in time what develops.

I am not sure your stepson would consider tutors and counselors to be positive attention. I asked my son, who is also 20 and has executive function disorder, and he would not consider those things to constitute positive attention. He also pointed out that you can't just kick him out and expect him to magically become organized. My son said that if I were to kick him out right now, he wouldn't be able to find an apartment, support himself, and handle his finances, and your stepson sounds much worse off since he is distractible. I spend quite a lot of time helping my son organize his homework, his finances, and his life. He still needs a lot of help to organize his studying. He is improving as he gets older; his boss depends on him, he is never late to work, never skips class, and his younger siblings can depend upon him to get them to their activities. I don't, however, feel that I can or should focus more on his younger siblings - I just have to find time to focus on all of them concurrently. Raising a bunch of kids is just plain time consuming - especially when some of them are learning disabled. It's a lot harder though for those families with severely handicapped children who will never be able to live on their own. I doubt if he merely didn't "want" to do his homework. Kids with executive function disorder have difficulty with tasks that involve delayed gratification, and kids with ADD have even greater problems with homework. Have you considered helping him find a literary agent, since you said he is a writer?