I always had an open door policy in our house, because that is what you need for furnaces to work properly. I didn't have facing doors like you do, so don't know what I would do, possibly rearrange the girls bedroom furniture. I would always teach kids to knock if a door is closed. I would not give up being intimate, I would close the door for awhile.

Just my 2 cents, the bedroom door should be closed. Whether it's in an intact family or step. But, your BF has a point of them not being familiar with your home, so it would depend on the child. It's one thing to make an exception so they can get comfortable there and not feel scared, but then it also sets precedent. My opinion is that it's a privacy issue. Kids need to learn to respect other people's privacy and you are entitled to sleep without observers. I think the slightly open door is a good idea and eventually, as they get more comfortable with their surroundings, close the door all the way. Just let them know that if they need anything, they are always welcome to knock. That's just my opinion. I'm sure there are lots of parents that don't mind the kids walking in without knocking, even if they are naked. It's good that you are thinking of these things up front instead of 'going along' and then find yourself resenting that you have no voice in your own home.

Compromise, communication and respect are, to me, the key factors in my relationship with my husband. We both have to do all of those things in order for it to work. Good luck.

Everyone in my house (all seven of us) close the door at bedtime step or not. Its an indication someone wants alone time or is turning in for the night. Our kids gently knock on each others or our door if they need something 'after bedtime'.

"My question is - am I out of line to want to sleep unobserved?" ABSOLUTELY NOT!

"Is it me being selfish and trying to give them the short end of the stick, so to speak, by shutting our bedroom door after we go to bed?" AGAIN, ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Children have no business watching two grown adults sleeping regardless of whether or not you are being intimate.

My Dh's son used to walk in our bedroom all of the time, and I used to complain endlessly about how inappropriate it was. Needless to say, one morning I was getting ready for work and was in the buff, door was closed, and he opened it and came right in (and he was 11 at the time). Unless you want to find yourself in the same scenario, and I do realize they are girls, but it's still an uncomfortable feeling, then don't allow it to go on.

Those children can watch the two of you and get used to you and your BF being together while you are vertical and engaging in everyday activities with the girls. If your BF is that worried about them being disoriented while they're staying there, then tell him to sleep on the couch outside of their door so they can find their father. And even then, I wouldn't encourage that because then they'll expect him to do it all of the time and that's another can of worms you don't want to open.

Buy them each their own flashlight so if they do wake in the middle of the night and are scared, voila, they have their own light. And before you go to bed at night, leave a trail of breadcrumbs to your CLOSED door.

:) Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

I have never slept with my door closed. When my kids were little, I always kept their doors open, except when the rest of the family was still awake and making noise. Aside from the fact that just thinking about sleeping with the door shut makes my skin crawl, there is no way I would take the chance of not hearing them call, or, worse yet, throwing up in their sleep (which was VERY scary).

I'm in the minority here along with TOS - we always sleep with the door open, as do the kids. In our old house we were all right across from each other and SD could, if she worked it just so, see us in bed. It never bothered me though - usually she was long asleep by the time I got to bed. If we were 'up to anything' I would get up and close the door, but this would be after they were asleep. I always opened it afterward though. In the new house we are actually on a different floor than the kids - which is still hard after 2 months for me - and all the doors are still open. I also set a baby monitor in the hall between the rooms so I can hear them.

Is there anyway to re-arrange either of the rooms for a bit until they get used to being there? Maybe if each door was open just a little and they couldn't actually see you in bed you would be more comfortable?

BTW - the seeing you together in bed thing to enforce 'coupleness'?? Weird! :-)

OK, I'll bite, TOS, why does keeping the door open while you sleep make your skin crawl? You obviously didn't feel that way too often to have the number of kids that you do.

"or, worse yet, throwing up in their sleep (which was VERY scary)." What did you feed your kids before they went to bed that would make them throw up in their sleep? Most parents don't allow their children to overeat before they go to bed.

I think unless you are planning on doing something very imtimate or sleep naked with no covers, it does not matter if you close or open the door. I don't care either way. i am a light sleeper and if there are other people making noise in the house, i close my door. Other than that it is OK to keep it open.

Me and dh sleep with the door closed. Our room is right by the familyroom though and if they get up early and watch cartoons we do not want to wake up! They know that if they need something anytime of morning or night when we are sleeping they just have to knock before entering.

It has never seemed to be an issue for any of them.

And I would think that if your door was open almost always and then you closed it to "get busy" the kids may figure out what is going on! EWWWW!!

ifiknewthen,

What are you talking about?? My child threw up because she came down with a stomach bug. You've never gotten sick in the middle of the night? Unfortunately, she always slept like a log, and she slept right through throwing up.

And keeping the door open doesn't make my skin crawl - keeping it closed does - it feels closed in. I would rather live next to a beach than in the mountains of West Virginia for the same reason (and for a number of other reasons).

Calling Dr. Freud!!!! LOL

I think that keeping your door shut at night is not a big deal. If you prefer to keep it shut then do so. If you prefer to keep it open then do that.

There are pros/cons for each, but I would not say that either is necessarily right or wrong. IT is just personal preference.

I don't have a problem with my stepkids or biokid seeing me sleep. But I do think that it is a respect thing for them to knock before entering a room with a closed door.

This discussion is so helpful...armed with ammo for my position I was thinking all the way home from work last night of what I wanted to say to BF. I brought it up with him calmly and it turns out we are in 100% agreement that our bedroom door will be closed after we retire for the evening. (I can finally stop sleeping in all the long-sleeves!!) He will talk to them about the knocking-on-doors rule before they go to bed the first night. He disagreed with me that he had said it would get them used to us as a couple to see us sleeping in the bed - I think he said it but maybe I misunderstood and he really meant something else. But in any case, the problem has been resolved, I don't feel so reluctant now that I know I'm not nuts and I feel a lot better. He took me to dinner last night to "celebrate". On a slightly other note, it never really occurred to me that I had a "right" to be intimate with BF while his daughters are present in the apartment. The last time they were here that was 10 difficult days for me where everytime he tried to kiss me goodnight and our door was open, I was so tense I just felt angry. I am hypersensitive to being observed, and I knew they could see us. It's just not natural for me - I am a little uptight but also I'm just concerned to not do anything in front of them that they would be upset by/tell BM.

The floor plan of our apartment is unique - there are a lot of doors and every room connects to every other room so you could go in a circle from the living room, to the kitchen, to the bathroom, to the walk-through master closet, to the bedroom, and back to the living room, so I actually have two doors to close/watch. Let's hope no one takes a late-night detour through our bedroom on their way back from the toilet. LOL

"I'm just concerned to not do anything in front of them that they would be upset by/tell BM."

That's one thing that I don't think anyone mentioned...

TOS, you said "sleeping with the door shut makes my skin crawl" Would it make your skin crawl to have your kids come home from dad's and tell you that dad & step mom sleep with the door open and they can see them on the bed? (hypothetically of course since you say they don't go there)

(I can tell you that as a mom, I wouldn't like it much. But then again, I slept with my door closed even when I was single)

What am I talking about?

Your post which said: "Aside from the fact that just thinking about sleeping with the door shut makes my skin crawl, there is no way I would take the chance of not hearing them call, or, worse yet, throwing up in their sleep (which was VERY scary)."

Did you specifically say that the kids threw up due to a stomach bug? Did you specifically say that your skin crawled because a closed door made you claustrophobic.

Most people's skin crawls for worse reasons than a door being closed, such as, let's see, here's a plausible reason: Seeing a snake slithering in the grass.

Enough said.

so what if kids come home and say that they saw dad and his wife sleeping on the bed? I mean it is understandable that they sleep at night in bed. It is not like a big secret married people sleep in the same bed.

If DD would come home and say mom you know what I saw dad and his wife sleeping in the same bed would i supposed to be upset? why?

If kids come home and say they saw dad having sex then yes it is inapropriate but we all agreed that nobody is going to have sex wiht doors open. what is all the big deal over such minor details.

"On a slightly other note, it never really occurred to me that I had a "right" to be intimate with BF while his daughters are present in the apartment. The last time they were here that was 10 difficult days for me where everytime he tried to kiss me goodnight and our door was open, I was so tense I just felt angry. I am hypersensitive to being observed, and I knew they could see us. It's just not natural for me - I am a little uptight but also I'm just concerned to not do anything in front of them that they would be upset by/tell BM"

It is my view that you should be affectionate in front of the kids. After they've seen the aftermath (and during-math, if that's a word) of a bad and/or dysfunctional relationship, they need to see what a good one looks like. They will learn from that example more than any talk. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect or that you can't even disagree. But, as I've said before, kids need an example of both how to love someone AND how to deal with a disagreement. Now, I'm definitely not saying that you should have a make-out session on the couch when they are there. But a short but sweet kiss or cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or even an affectionate nickname will show them that you are happy together and secure in your relationship.

I agree with finedreams. I wouldn't be upset if the kids merely said they saw them in the same bed.

ifiknewthen,

If I read that a child had vomited in the middle of the night (or any other time), the first thing that would occur to me is that he or she was sick - I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that their parents fed him/her too much!

And I am rather fond of snakes.

"I am rather fond of snakes."

This is obvious... of course you are.

Calling Dr. Freud again, only this time its an emergency......

LOL imamommy!!!

I sleep with the door open all the time mainly because my cat trots in and out and all easy access for my son to come in and also for me to listen if my stepkids are ok. Which 100% of the time when they were sick or scared they would call daddy but daddy can have a ROCKET blow next to his ear and will not wake up. So when i hear them i would get up to comfort them or bring them a throw up bag or take them to the toilet.
THere are times its closed half way but wheni want privacy i do close the door. but not at night. its just me.
The way the bedrooms are we have privacy regardless. My sons bedroom is down next to the dining room and stepkids are next door to ours but not across. So there is still privacy.

When I married my husband, his 13 year old son was living with us. Because of so much trouble with his biomom, we always took extra steps to be sure that he felt safe and secure with us and that he knew he was "our" son. So, as part of ensuring he felt safe and secure, we always left our bedroom door open. To us it was symbolic -- ensuring that my SS knew that he always had access to us, if needed.

We also have 2 dogs and a cat, so they prefer the door open too!

The only time it gets odd is if we "need" to shut the door -- then it is very clear that it is shut for a reason! So, we try to minimize that if he is around or will see it (funny thing is we also are sure to open it when it is "safe" again!) LOL.

How do you rationalize complaining about personal attacks if you make personal attacks?

Lots of people sleep with their door open, maybe they have claustrophobia, maybe they, like OP's hubs, want to be *sure* they can hear any noises coming from the children's room.

& I'd think throwing up had to do with a child being sick rather than with the mom feeding them something unwholesome.

& I, being a somewhat obsessive gardener, like snakes, too.

What was the question?

When I was growing up, & when I had little ones over every Wednesday & every other week-end, the bedroom doors were all open, all the time.

The rule was that if you saw a closed door, you knocked & waited for a response/invitation before you went in.

It worked fine.

I have never slept with my door open- growing up the doors were always shut while we slept and all of our kids sleep with their doors shut. When they need us they knock and come in..no problems.. Now that our kids are preteens- they need the privacy... Actually it's kind of a joke because we all close the door when we sleep but half the time when someone is in the bathroom the door is open (the boys claim they don't take long- DD responds- Yeah I know, maybe you should take some time and improve your aim:(- she typed up some instructions and hung it over the toilet:)