My DH probably will be going through the same thing this summer with his son. His lawyer told him that he could file for a modification of visitation but even then, if son refused, the judge probably wouldn't do much so it would be a loss of thousands of dollars. Yippee.

Is it possible for your DH to contact his attorney to find out what his legal rights to visitation are? Maybe it's different in your city, state?

I'm currently trying to encourage my DH to protect his rights but he says, like your DH, that he's can't force the issue either. I'm having little luck getting through to him. I'm sure it'll get worse before it gets better.

Let us know what happens.

If I had a court order and the other parent was not complying with the terms (by not sending the child), I would file a contempt charge. If there's already an order that says the kids go, then the kids go. Unless the kids physically refuse to go (kicking & screaming) then they are supposed to go. The Judge told a mother last week that if she didn't send the (teen) children to dad's, it would be 'her' fault. She claimed the kids didn't want to go and they would run. The Judge told her that if that's true, she needs to explain to the kids that if they do run, their names would be entered into a database and they would be found and placed in protective custody. In other words, he placed the responsibility on the mother to encourage the kids to stay at dads for the duration of the visit. There were no grounds to change the visitation order, just because she didn't like it or the kids didn't want to go.

If there's an order, I'd say "I expect my children to be here on XXX and if they are not, I am filing a contempt." You don't need an attorney to file a contempt and if mom wants to file to modify the order so the kids don't have to go, then it will cost her. But, it may go against him that he has forfeited his summers by either agreeing or not fighting mom's attempts to limit or cancel his time. He needs to exercise his time with them and yeah, the judge in that case last week told the mom "I know your kids aren't going to be happy about being there, but they need to spend time with their dad." Unless there is abuse going on, kids should spend time with both parents.

Now, just because a contempt if filed, it doesn't mean the court will find her in contempt. The court may accept her excuse that the child is a teenager and doesn't want to go. But, then she may decide she'd rather send the child so the contempt will go away. It all depends on how devoted she is to her cause. (whether she's supporting the kids' decision not to visit or if she's the one that doesn't want them to visit.)

Just some food for thought.

Sadly, DH has used kid gloves with BM for many years. He won't file contempt charges, I know it, he knows it, and SHE knows it. It is all a game she is playing, and has taught the kids.
Every time it is decided by HER, at the last minute IF and WHEN they will come.
They use all these other activities as the excuse, but they should have never been allowed to choose. It should have been decided by the parents, not the kids. They don't get to choose going on a trip with their friends over going to school, or going with Mom on her vacations, but always get to beg off when it comes to the visitation with the father they only get to see in the summer and every other Christmas.
I hope they're happy.

I agree. They should've never been allowed to put priorities over the court-ordered visitation.

This is one topic I'm currently dealing with right now and it tears my heart up for my BF. He is in a similar situation as your DH, but even worse. This is all new to us like fresh open wounds.

If you have a court order, you have some leverage, but it may be that if you drag BM to court she may just get a talkin-to and that's it.

My mom did the same thing when I was a child. I was supposed to spend summers with my dad. Mom always found a reason why I usually spent two or three weeks with him instead. Now as a adult looking back I felt like dad didn't care enough to make sure I was able to spend my summers with him. I wish I had of and been able to know him better.

How do you know what the decision process on summers really was? Do you know that Dad didnt communicate that he couldn't handle all summer (maybe for valid work reasons) and mom covered it up, because she didnt want you to know? I dont EVER tell my DD that dad doesnt want for a vacation or holiday. Of course at this point she has kinda figured it out.

And another very real possibility is that the kids are just into bein' kids right now (I don't know their ages) and for most kids that means doing stuff with their friends, or their extracurricular activities or whatever... It may not be anything personal whatsoever. I don't know how many times there has been an excuse, or how lame all the excuses have been, or what the relationship is otherwise between kids & Dad or kids & SM... but just saying that it is still within the range of normalcy for a kid to ***occasionally*** prefer to do another activity over being with parents (even parents they don't get to see much) and it's nothing at all against that parent. I mean, assuming all this is within reason...

That's why I believe a court order is in place. Because minors aren't old enough to know what's good for them and being with their other parent IS what's good for them. And one parent can't be trusted to honor the other parent's wishes.

DD13 is starting to show signs of not wanting to go with Dad for their week long visits in the summer and it puts me in a tough spot. I support his right to see them and would never give them the option to not but I also she her point of view. He rarely takes those weeks off from work and so DD is stuck in his condo babysitting DS9 in another city whereas she could be home getting paid to babysit others or hanging out with friends. I just encourage them both to talk about it to each other and stay out of the middle as much as I can. If a mother is making plans for kids that contridict the divorce decree they are in contempt of that order and both parents who allow that to happen have to take responsibility for that including the dad. I think this scenerio leaves the kids thinking that Dad doesn't want time with the kids...

This year I would let them know the plans and stick to them no matter what and then spend some quality bonding time with kids.

All I can say is that I empathize and feel your pain. I logged on here to lodge a similar complaint. My DSS 14 hardly ever wants to visit as ordered EOW (unless it is his birthday, Christmas, etc.) He lives 2 hrs away w/ DSS 12 and BM. He came last weekend (his dad's birthday) and sent text messages almost constantly for 2 days! I was ready to throw his cell phone out the window! On Day 2, the day he was to go home, he acted like he was in pain or had a burr up his you-know-what all day. He wanted to get home to his friend's sleepover birthday party Sat. night which DH had scheduled our weekend around but DSS was upset because he wanted to be there earlier in the afternoon. So he made the whole family miserable through his cousin's high school graduation and swim party afterward, refusing to swim with his cousins and bros, keeping a stern look on his face and not talking except to mumble when spoken to.

I'm almost certain that coming for a whole week is out of the question for him this year, and doubt DH will ask, although I believe DSS 14 will go with us for a week to the beach, but at this point, even that is uncertain. It breaks DH's heart but he will allow him to do whatever he wants. DH has not and will not tell him, "No," or force him to do anything. BM allows him to do whatever he wants, and DH is afraid if he makes things difficult for DSS 14, he will refuse to come altogether. I think there has to be some happy medium, but as a SM of 9 years, I learned years ago to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT because I can't win. So, I do come here to vent. So I guess the problem in my situation is, even if DH can force DSS to come (and I believe he can), is that really worth it due to all the misery inflicted upon the rest of us from his bad mood. I'm just hoping DSS 12 doesn't hit this in the near future!

I find it sad if kids actually don't want to go. DD was spending summers and other breaks with dad for years. She always wanted to go and still wants and goes even though she is 20 (and really cannot be staying with dad for that long because she has to work). I wonder if kids don't want be with dad, is it possible that they are not that close? And since dad works a lot and probably cannot have kids going to work with him, kids have nothing to do with dad?

There was one summer when for number of reasons I was not sure about sending DD to dad for the whole summer, she was maybe 12 or so. X called me every single day twice a day morning and afternoon, my cell and my home phone and sent an email a day: are you going to send DD? why aren't you sending her? Please send DD. make sure you send DD. DD gotta come here. After about two weeks of torture I said: forget it, i am sending her tomorrow, just stop calling. lol It was just one summer like that, other than that she always went.

They are close, and yes he does work, but no more than he did in summers past. He does try to cut back on hours spent working, when possible. The difference now seems to be that they have all theses other things they want to do.
In addition,since our marriage, they do not have free rein while Dad is gone.In the past, he learned the hard way about leaving a bunch of adolescents alone all day. They could go to work with him, and have. Not all at once. SS15 can help, and get paid. The SDs, not so much. It is manual labor. Going along just for the ride on some occasions has its benefits and drawbacks, and is NOT the same as doing fun stuff.
We all understand that teens have other interests, but my objection is that coming to see DH cannot be left up to the kids. It is the priority. Compromise is one thing, letting them run the show is another.
There was never an issue before our marriage, when DH allowed BM to set the schedule, around HER activities.