Father Problems

18 years ago

Well looks like I finally got myself disowned;

I posted before about my fathers 'wonderful new wife'. My Mom died of cancer and my father remarried promptly (as in less than 5 months after she died) even went as far as having his new wife walk down the isle to the song my mom had selected to be played at her funeral. SO he marries this woman, shows up at my house with a U Haul - gives me everything my mom owned and her ashes and leaves. Fast forward six months and I rarely see him, tells his gkids he'll come visit than comes up with an excuse not to etc..there's alot of extra drama I won't go into but essentially his new wife DOES NOT like me at all and says alot of horrible things about me to my father and has done this in front of my husband. Told me when she married him that she was marrying my father and didn't want all the stuff that 'came with him'(i.e. me) and that she wasn't going to be a SM or SGM because she didn't want to, which is fine by me but causes alot of tention. Anyway back on point Dad stopped by last night. Visit went okay until he asked me if I would hold a garage sale for his wife. I said no thanks (I hate garage sales). Well, then he asked for the family silver back. My Mom and Dad had given it to me when I got married. I know in the previous 25 years my Dad had it they have never used it. I didn't want to fight so I was like fine, I went and got it for him. He said I could have it back after he died. I made the mistake of saying 'yeah if your wife returns it' and then I asked him if he was ever going to go visit Mom (he hasn't seen her ashes since he dropped her off at my house, and refused to come pay respects with me on the anniversary of her death and her birthday). With that he got up said 'I'm leaving' and slammed out my front door (so hard that he broke my blinds on the front window and scared the crap out of my kids). So I stormed out on the porch and told him not to bother coming back he retorted with a nice 'F-- you'. At that point I excused myself to my bedroom so the kids wouldn't see me cry and DH tried to play peacemaker in the driveway with my father. DH says I just should have kept my mouth shut and not mentioned my mother (I've kept my mouth shut alot this year) but my father has such a 'my way or the highway' mentality I get sick of it. He's told me he would right me off in a heartbeat for his new wife. DH thinks I need to try to patch things up with my father, I want my kids to have a relationship with him but I'm really at a point where I wonder if there is any point...if there is I have no clue where to start...your thoughts?

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Comments (26)

sylviatexas1
18 years ago
Yay!

You're a free woman!

Disowned often means liberated:

I've heard all the stuff about "you've only got one mother/father/etc", too, & I finally realized that, given the way my mother treated me, it was a darned good thing there was only one of her!

You don't have to, you *shouldn't*, allow *anyone* to treat you badly.

Witnessing such things teaches children that the person who tries to make peace (you) is the loser & the person who rants & raves is the winner.

Let him go, & pour your energy & your love into giving your children a good home, good values, education in manners, & a good start.

All their grandfather will teach them is co-dependency, manipulation, profanity, & verbal abuse, & whether they become his victims or his protegees, it's all bad.

I do find it endearing that your husband would try to reason with a tantrum-throwing brat on your behalf, but he "shoulda" gone storming out the door & said, "Don't you ever speak to her like that again, & don't you ever behave like a bully & a thug in front of my children!"

& the garage sale was a pretext to get into the house & get the silver;

people have their own garage sales,
but if he'd called ahead of time & asked for the silver, you wouldn't have been taken by surprise, & you might have said no.
finedreams
18 years ago
I am so sorry you have to go through this.... marrying 5 months aftre your mom's death was inappropriate, people shouldn't even be dating for a year or so out of respect. And abandoning your grandkids for this woman is a wrong thing to do. Also if family silver was given to you, you should keep it. You did nothing wrong and since he behaves this way maybe you should let him make his own decisions. If he wants to be a good father and grandfather he will come around and if not, take care of yourself and your kids. i am so sorry you are hurting.
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Is Hubby wrong? No sweeby your hubby is not wrong. SS is a grown man making decisions and he must pay the consequences to his actions. You have helped him on many occasions, offered him work and he's snubbed it...he is lookign for a bail out for daddy to save him...uh uh...let him fall and let him fall hard. He does not have his priorities straight. 1. He's cheated on his girlfriend with a married woman no doubt. 2. He has expensive habits he cannot afford. 3. He should be paying his bankrupcy debt , not increasing the tab. 4. He should work more and get more money to pay for the things he has. 5. He's in no position to pay for someone elsed tires for GODS SAKE! Is there some middle ground? No there is no middle ground. You've tried to help him the best way you both can and it didnt' work. Even professional help gave up. Or is this just one of those hopeless situations? Its not hopeless...but its not your problem. ITs HIS. He is an adult and if he wants to get out of it he can if he wants to. i dont think your ss wants his respect. He wants him to bail him out big time and he's angry that your hubby wont do it. I think your husband should stand his ground. You have to EARN respect, not want it or demand it. If your ss was smart, he'ld get respect from his dad if he showed some B*lls and was a man. Sorry. i'm blunt. i'm really sorry sweeby but if your hubby bails him he'll be an enabler. Your ss needs to 1. Pay his debt 2. Stop spending 3. Stop expecting dad to come save the day. 4. Get a second job to pay the bills. 5. Have respect for himself and not have an affair with a married woman and cheat with his now ex girlfriend. She did theright thing to dump him and leave him. 6. Stop drinking, he needs to go to AA and start respecting himself before demanding it from someone else. My own brother was left to hang dry by my father for debt. His fiancee left him because of his situation. Well, my brother consolidated everything, and then sold everything he had. EVERYTHING. to pay as much off. He had a few thousand left and because my father saw him do that and my brother was making payments double every month, my father then stepped in and helped him. And he told him its a one time deal and because he saw him make the effort. My brother earned my fathers respect and got the bail he worked hard to deserve.
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finedreams
18 years ago
exactly what i thought, he wanted silver (SM asked for it probably) so he made up a reason.
colleen777
18 years ago
I am confused. Did he want you to have a garage sale for his wife at your house, with your stuff? That makes no sense. What was he thinking? And what the heck taking back silver that was given to you as a wedding present? What is that?
sweeby
18 years ago
"exactly what i thought, he wanted silver (SM asked for it probably) so he made up a reason."

Sadly, I agree.

"All their grandfather will teach them is co-dependency, manipulation, profanity, & verbal abuse, & whether they become his victims or his protegees, it's all bad."

"Disowned often means liberated: "

And again, sadly, I agree.
sieryn
Original Author
18 years ago
Colleen,

The thing with the garage sale is this; his new wife owns a consignment business (which was opened with the proceeds from my mom's life insurance wee). She has a policy (its on the written agreement) that if after x days if the clothes don't sell and aren't picked up she donates them to charity. Well she doesn't want to donate them to charity, she wanted to 'donate' them to me who would sell them at a garage sale and give her the proceeds. I however, want no part in her shenanigans.
justnotmartha
18 years ago
WHAT A WENCH!

Okay - I just needed to get that out. Good for you for refusing to defraud her clients.

As for your dad - he has drawn his line in the sand. If he prefers to leave behind his family in favor of his new wife, let him. You don't need conditional love like that in your life, and your kids don't either. This isn't the role model you want them to have, and his half-hearted presence in their life isn't worth the grief he brings to yours.

Hold your head high, know that you did nothing to deserve this and live your life. It hurts, but it's a choice he really made for you.

As for the silver - $10 says he planned to sell it in the G-Sale.
kkny
18 years ago
Sieryn, I am so sorry for you, but agree with the group. Keep the silver. Give up on your children having a relationship with Grandpa. Hopefully your DH, who seems like a nice guy, has parents near by.
colleen777
18 years ago
On a more serious note here, the circumstances surrounding the death of your mother very much affect how you feel toward his new wife. Your father may have been the longtime caregiver for your mother and during her illness, he may have made the adjustment to her death long before she actually died. But you didn't, and he is being insensitive to your feelings, and seems to be angry that you can't accept his newfound happiness. Doesn't make it right how he is dealing with it.

From what you have said, it doesn't sound like either one of you have gone through a proper grieving process. Did you ever ask him why he chose to use the same song your mom had selected for her funeral? I find that significant.

Often adult children feel that a deceased parent never can, or should be replaced. That feeling makes it difficult to empathize with their surviving parent's need to pick up the pieces and move forward. Adult children's guilt toward a deceased parent can drive a powerful wedge between the child and the new spouse. Unfortunately dad doesn't seem to understand your feelings. Just because he is older than you doesn't mean he is wiser.

I also find your husband's behavior less than supportive. How odd that he bore witness to your dad's wife thrashing of you in his presence and did nothing.

Having said that, it is worth it to work on your relationship with your father. He sounds like a man who is unable to express his feelings (except for anger) to his daughter and this may be a time to develop a deeper relationship with him, even though you are likely going to have to be the one to extend the olive branch.
mrsmaddog
18 years ago
Gold Digger.
IMHO, She'll bleed him dry in a year, and he'll either come back to his "family" as a victim, since his grief caused his bad judgement (might be partially true?) or find another charming woman to help him out because of the same, plus his mean kid(s) disowned him. Sarcasm intended, BTW.
I feel sad for you and your kids, you don't need this on top of losing your Mom.
sieryn
Original Author
18 years ago
I should elaborate a few points, first my mom didn't actually die from the cancer, she beat the cancer then died from the aftereffects of the radiation. The radiation treatments tore a hole in her esophageal passage which caused everything she ate to go into her lungs not her stomach, well they did three surgeries over the course of a year to put a stint in her throat and get it to stay in place. The last one was metal, when it fell out of position it tore open her pulmonary artery and she bled out :( so her death was unexpected to say the least.

You're right, I'm no where done grieving and he took the 'run away' approach.

His father chewed his butt on 'the song' at their wedding his defense was he 'didn't care' about its significance he just 'likes the song'.

"How odd that he bore witness to your dad's wife thrashing of you in his presence and did nothing."

Oh if that's the impression I left I'm sorry, DH has ALWAYS defended me from SM (and I shudder to call her that) he can't stand her either. He'll often say things like 'so you're going to stand here in front of him and say this about his daughter and my wife?' then every time she'll back peddle. I haven't seen her since their wedding, everytime he's going to stop by or attend a function she 'has a headache'.

I often debate if it IS worth it or not, I had a wonderful relationship with him for 25 years then he just up and flipped on me. In honesty I don't really care about my relationship with him, just how he treats the kids. My skids especially have enough abandonment issues with their Mom for my father to break promises to them (oh I'll be at your baseball game, etc) really makes me mad.
sieryn
Original Author
18 years ago
"Gold Digger. "

LOL thats the very first thing my MIL said when she met her.
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
Sieryn-

That's so sad & awful, and I'm so sorry to hear it. And it's shocking that SM would not only want to snag your wedding silver (after making such a big point about not wanting anything to do with "what comes with" your father) but would also propose you do all the work for a garage sale for her little money-making scam. Absolutely unbelievable.

Now THIS is what I'm talking about [see "ignoring step-mom" thread] when I say that in some instances the step-parent just plain doesn't deserve respect.

But the really sad & hurtful part is they way your father is acting. I hope he will see the light of reason soon. In the meantime, go on with your life. If he reaches out to you (to apologize or in any way be there for you), try to accept him, but keep a psychological boundary around yourself, too, in case he gets weak and hurts you again.
ceph
18 years ago
*hugs*
I don't really know if there is any advice I can offer you...
Family is important, but if a family member causes you nothing but grief, they're not worth it.
I guess all you can do it wash your hands of them for now, but if your dad comes to you down the road, genuinely realizing he has made a mistake, try to forgive him.

Side note: Somehow I see Ima's SD's BM pulling these sorts of stunts 20 years from now.

Anyhow, get your tears out... Cry all you d@mn please! Write in a journal/talk to a friend/see a counselor/whatever, but give some mourning to the loss of the relationship with your dad (even if he's been a schmuck, it's still a loss).
daisyinga
18 years ago
DH thinks I need to try to patch things up with my father, I want my kids to have a relationship with him but I'm really at a point where I wonder if there is any point...if there is I have no clue where to start...your thoughts?

From long experience, my advice would be to take a good look at your dad now and accept him as he is now - let go of how he used to be. If you truly want him in your life now, as he is, then try to patch things up. But don't keep him in your life hoping for what used to be.

then I asked him if he was ever going to go visit Mom (he hasn't seen her ashes since he dropped her off at my house, and refused to come pay respects with me on the anniversary of her death and her birthday).

DH says I just should have kept my mouth shut and not mentioned my mother

Your husband is right, it would have been better not to mention your mother. Again, accept your dad as he is, not as you wish he was.

DH thinks I need to try to patch things up with my father, I want my kids to have a relationship with him but I'm really at a point where I wonder if there is any point...if there is I have no clue where to start...your thoughts?

My husband encouraged me to patch things up with my dad, too. But I knew better. I knew my kids, my husband, and myself would all be better off without my dad as he is now in our lives. It has been 16 years almost since my dad chose to end our relationship, and I chose not to pursue it and patch things up. I don't regret that decision at all, there wasn't enough good in the relationship to make up for the heartache, pain, and aggravation. My husband now agrees it was the best decision.

Only you know whether or not the relationship is worth it to you. Just know that your relationship with him now will be on his terms, with him as he is now. Accept him as he is now and make your decision, don't hope you will turn back the clock and have your old dad back. You may forge a different but better relationship, who knows. But whatever decision you make, make it because of yourself, not because of your kids. Your kids will be fine.

I am so sorry, I know it's gut-wrenchingly painful, and I hope it all works out well for you.
colleen777
18 years ago
"In honesty I don't really care about my relationship with him, just how he treats the kids"

Really? So you really couldn't care less about your father?
stargazzer
18 years ago
Sylvia, right on:

"Yay!

You're a free woman!

Disowned often means liberated: "
sieryn
Original Author
18 years ago
"Really? So you really couldn't care less about your father? "

Of course I care about him. What I'm trying to say its more I've had my time with him; I have those memories. I wanted my children to remember him fondly as well. If he wants to treat me poorly now I can live with that because I'm an adult, but I cannot stand to see him to it to my kids if that makes sense?
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
Do not subject your children to this man because you have a fairy tale wish for them to have a loving old sweetheart of a grandpa.

They do not have a loving old sweetheart of a grandpa, & insisting that everybody act like he is one will confuse your kids, make them doubt your judgment/trustworthiness/mental abilities (doesn't she know he wants to use her?, is she really that convinced or is she lying to us on purpose?, can't she *see*??), complicate their lives & add misery for generations to come-

they'll learn to treat you, & their future wives & daughters, the way he treats you, & they'll learn to live in denial of poor treatment & call it love & respect.

He is what he is.

As an old friend used to tell me when I would drive myself nuts trying to fix everything,
"Dam, Baby, that don't work. Stop doing that & do something that works."
sieryn
Original Author
18 years ago
Hey! Just wanted to say thanks to everyone. After our big blow out DH had talked to him, he was supposed to have my SS7 spend the night the following weekend. He said even though we weren't getting along it wasn't fair to take it out on the gkids so he would be there to pick him up. SS sits with his bag for an hour...he never shows up. At that point I was done with him. Let me tell ya, I have NEVER FELT BETTER!

Thanks Ladies!
dotz_gw
18 years ago
Sieryn, I dont know if you should be done with your dad over a missed visit and the grandchild being disappointed,maybe you should be done, just for right now....I m so conflicted over this type of situation right now, I cant sleep..I was estranged from my dad (and 3 sisters who took his side) for over 2 years now.......He told my sisters I was mismanaging his money, and was using it for myself....100 per cent not true...My dad has always been an immature, attention seeking person all his life...Always wanted people to feel sorry for him... Anyway, I got angry at the accusation, didnt try to even defend myself, gathered all his money , and dropped a check at my sisters house, as in you go ahead and do better..It was a burden to me anyway...Have not spoken to 3 sisters or dad in 2 years...Got a call June 2 from sister, dad has 3 to 6 weeks to live....So I went to visit him 3 times since, he has apparently forgotten what ever caused the estrangement to begin with,asking me why I m angry at my sisters,now one of the sisters is taking him into her home this week, I doubt I will ever see him again.....He was a good dad , worked very hard to support a huge family, we all went to private school....I am glad I worked up the guts to go see him...I m still angry,but sorry I didnt patch this up sooner...oh, this post is a rambling mess, just dont know what to do, or how to feel.....
sieryn
Original Author
18 years ago
Oh dotz, thats just awful news...I'm sorry.
sissyfran
18 years ago
Sieryn I am so sad for you but like many others said, letting go is often the best thing. I do agree however that letting your SS7 sit and wait after making another promise is worth a good @$$ kickin so to speak. You don't make promises to a child and then break repeatedly, especially when you know they've already had a tough time.
When you let go doesn't mean you have to write them off forever, it can just mean you're stepping back and letting things run their course for awhile. No controversay, no confrontations, just riding it out and see what goes.
Good luck
dotz_gw
18 years ago
Sieryn, Thank you so much...Just from an in crisis point of view, I m seeing a dont be hasty viewpoint...My dad is elderly, your dad , maybe not...But time is promised to no one.....The best....Dotz
justnotmartha
18 years ago
Dotz, I'm sending strength and hugs your way.

Sieryn, I'm sending a good @ss kickin' your dad's way!
dotz_gw
18 years ago
And thank you Martha, could use that strength :)

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