I never thought of myself as a cow, but if I WERE a cow, I guess I'd rather give my milk away for free than to SELL it, because wouldn't that make me a ... :-) About one month after our first date, I knew I would marry this man. I believe strongly in marriage, especially if you want to have children. But we were 19 at the time. In my family, as in all families, there were a few things that one just did and didn't do. It was not a question of my parents saying "Do this and don't do that." It was just the way it was. Say "Please" and "Thank you." Clean your plate. Do your homework. Don't interrupt. Don't get married young. So we lived together at 20 but waited until we we were 24 -- out of college, working, homeowners, able to pay for our own (small) wedding -- to get married. It was not like living together was a trial before marriage, it was just as if we were married except we didn't freak our parents or ourselves out by getting maried "too young." I know this may not make a lot of sense, but there it is. When we did have the wedding, my poor mother thought it must be because we were ready to have kids. She spent the next two years holding her breath in anticipation before her first grandchild finally materialized.

Oh you guys...you are ALL the best. DH and I have had a quiet day . I worked in what passes for my garden...after 6 weeks of no water and over 95 degrees it isn't much to look at...good to know that the weeds grow no matter what. Perhaps there is a lesson to learn from that. Thriving when there is nothing else in evidence that would lead one to believe that growth is possible. texanjane: I am trying to put this into the other "hands". DH is a devout Buddhist and meditates daily. I tried when we were out west...went to a couple different centers. I thought maybe I was getting the hang of it....I am going again here closer to home. Thank you for your support...I need to " let go" for sure as I am drowning. Sue: I appreciate the reminder to " breath" as that is the main focus of meditation...breath. You are so good to send your thoughts. les, you too have helped with your thoughts. I am surrounded by wonderful and positive things...it is so easy to only focus on the things that are difficult and hurtful. When it concerns someone who is young and is causing themselves irreparable harm it is so hard to step back and see that there are LOTS of good things in this world to center our attention. Thank you... Thank you homebody, kitchenkelly and golddust: you have all three each added another step in the right direction. DH just said I am getting a shower and going to bed...it is early here but we are both tired and feeling the 3 hr time change , as well as the stress. You know it is almost more difficult when the phone doesn't ring as when it does. I am sure there are lots of you who know what I mean...may we all have a restful night to prepare us for whatever tomorrow brings. c

Thanks! Good words of advice. halfdecaf - I love that you repeat your vows on your anniversary. That sounds like a very worthwhile tradition and one I might copy for us. I know the "good cop/bad cop" role is pretty tricky. It's not really how we intended it, but it's how I feel usually. My BF's own father abandoned the family when BF was at a very young age and his mother essentially detached from the family as a result of her husband leaving. As such, BF had no healthy parenting images to look up to so he leans toward parenting out of guilt or giving in too much to his own son. I come from a fairly strict, but caring, family so I've tried to share my own parenting examples with them. The result is that BF's son now has a normal bedtime (when we met he would let his son stay up until midnight! And he was 5!), he cleans up his own plate after dinner, he's not allowed to throw things or act physically in anger, he's not allowed to hit his dad or be disrespectful to us without consequences, etc. So I feel like the "bad cop" because I implement/encourage a lot of the discipline and a lot of the rules about what's acceptable and what's not. The only reason it's working is b/c BF currently backs me up on the decisions and is actually a little grateful that I know a little more than he does about general parenting, while he knows more than I do about his son's specific needs. So I think we make a good team. Of course, if either one of us ever stops supporting the other, I can see how that might cause some mutiny... We are also considering premarital couseling. One of my biggest challenges is learning to bite my tongue and not constantly tell him what to do. I was single for too long and have lots of rules in my own head about the way things "should" be done. On the flip side, he was single too long with a young son - essentially living the bachelor life with a kid tagging along (have you seen the Adam Sandler movie, Big Daddy - something along those lines, but not as extreme). So figuring out when my comments cross over into "nagging" seems to be a fine line. I never want to be the "nagging" wife.

Hi Dotz. I don't know how to answer you. Relationships are complicated enough when I'm one of the two in the relationship (parent/child, spouse/spouse, child/parent, etc.) but being on the "outside" as a SM with biodad/child on one side, and Sdad/child on another side... I just can't hope to ever understand those relationships completely, let alone what may have happened between your dh's kid and him to make their relationship less than ideal. People take out their anger on those they think will still love them despite the issues. Hopefully your skid will realize that dad means more than money and they can have a relationship beyond that later. I think, in my situation, where bio-mom keeps sd from us (by not contacting, etc), we will probably have a tough row to hoe coming up here soon as she becomes a teenager with angst. But, if her parents didn't have issues, the issues with her would be lessened. It's due to the parents setting up expectations that makes the kids resentful. My SD expects to be driven around in posh cars and going to outrageously expensive schools and if her dad doesn't contribute to the lifestyle BM has set up she is resentful. We prefer to place value on good manners, wholesome activities, enjoying being a kid instead of designer outfits for 9 year olds...Oh well... we simply don't have the same values. Having to straddle both value systems is difficult for children. And, outsiders, without all the little cobwebs floating around of past conversations/hurts/angers, can see any situation a lot clearer than the participants. As Sm's, we will never fully understand the nuances. Sooooo... my response Dotz, is just be as supportive of your DH as you can while he goes through this stage with his son. In my experience, my Ex and I have issues my DH could never understand, and my DH loves me, so automatically my Ex is the bad guy... and he hates his Ex, but I do my damnedest not to internalize that. I channel Switzerland. I attempt neutrality. I try to look at all sides, and I try to do it with love. It's far too complicated to figure out their issues. So I'm a cheerleader. Go (broken and taped back together) family of mine!!! win win win!