Destination Wedding & Save the Date Cards

18 years ago

I need to make sure we are doing this right...here's my dilema...

My fiance and I are planning a wedding for November 2008 in Puerto Vallarta. We want to give everyone a far enough heads up so that those who want to attend can plan vacation leave, finances, passports, etc. accordingly. We are meeting with the travel agent at the end of the month to discuss the arrangements.

After reading the other posts regarding destination weddings and the save the date cards, I am thinking it would be best to send out the save the date cards with our names, date and location and maybe include the travel agents information as well. Is this right?

Then we would send out the regular invitations six weeks before the actual wedding right?

The family members we have told said that they would go or be more willing to go if they had at least a year's time to save and pay off the trip without it interupting their regular finances - which we can totally understand. So our thinking is to get the information out to people in August - September of this year.

What do you guys think? Thanks for your imput!

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Comments (3)

talley_sue_nyc
18 years ago
That's the normal plan nowadays (save-the-dates are a recent invention).

Although, even if you don't have a final date, and a venue, etc., you could also simply write a short note to all the family members, and tell them that you're planning to get married there, and a basic time frame. Then send more exact details later when you get them. You needn't wait until you have the travel info, etc.

That's how it used to be done, before mass marketing got all involved in the details of the wedding.

I would send invites eight weeks in advance for a wedding in which very many people had to travel very far.

Never send a save-the-date to someone you aren't POSITIVE you will invite to the wedding itself. And even if someone says to you, "Oh, I don't think I'll come," you should send them an invitation to the wedding itself.

(personally, I don't love save-the-dates. They are an invitation, sort of. Which bothers me and creates problems (for example, if someone responds to the save-the-date, they might think you're fishing for a gift if you invite them, even though it would be rude NOT to send an invite).

I much prefer the vaguer, less mass-produced personal notes,phone calls, and even e-mail (which is an acceptable substitute in many circles for a personal note by mail) which are the time-honored way of letting people know about events like this.
jadiesmom
Original Author
18 years ago
Thanks Tally Sue!
I was thinking about it this morning, and I think instead of a "save the date" postcard - we will just send out personal letters to everyone announcing our date and some information regarding the trip. I think it's the ones you least expect to go who will go. Our guest list will remain the same for the announcement letters and actual wedding invites.

After reading the posts about destination weddings, I have been convinced that we will need to have a cocktail reception when we come back just to make sure that everyone feels included in our special event.

I already know some of my family members won't be able to make the trip. My dad already told me he would not go and to count him out. Hopefully he will change his mind, considering he is the only parent I have.

I appreciate all of your comments and suggestions. I'm sure this will be the first of many more posts! Thanks for your help!
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Well, you're never wrong to feel whatever you feel, but honestly not only do I not think that they are "screwing you over," I think the bride was extremely tactful when you raised the issue. Only people named on an invitation are invited. Period. If I am correct in understanding that you haven't received the actual invitation yet, then I think you have to apply the same principle to the save the date card. I don't like to see "adults only" on an invitation -- it is superfluous if the invitation is addressed only the adults -- and it certainly isn't required. But did the save the date card have your child's name on it, too? Did it say "The Whitney Family" or something? In that case, they are wrong not to invite her; if you send a save the date card to someone (even someone who can't read it herself!), then you must invite them. If circumstances change -- say, there has been a death, illness, or bankruptcy -- and now what was going to be a big wedding is just going to be very small, you contact everyone you asked dto save the date and apologize. But otherwise, no. But if the save the date was addressed only to you and your husband, technically you are the one who is doing the etiquette no-no, by asking if you can bring an uninvited guest. Perhaps a nursing newborn (even if a 17-month-old is still nursing, she is presumably also eating other foods and won't starve for the few hours of a wedding) or an attendant for an invalid, but otherwise no. However, I don't think it is a terrible thing to ask, provided you do it in a way that absolutely doesn't make them feel bad if they say no and that you are gracious if they do. (Not just to their faces; you don't go around criticizing them, much less telling people they screwed you over.) And that's what you did, and they politely told you no. I am with the others: I would either leave her home with a sitter (but you say that's not an option for you) or have a sitter for the wedding itself -- you could probably bring her to other more casual events of the weekend. That is what most people do. I would ask your friends to help you line up a sitter they know and trust. We did that for our out of town guests who came with little ones to our son's wedding. The bride and groom ultimately decided to have the out of town children (little cousins) at the reception, but I kept the sitter "on call" in case they got sleepy or their parents wanted a break! I'm sure the parents felt more comfortable with a sitter I knew than a stranger. I'm glad my son and daughter-in-law did it that way. But couples who choose an adults-only wedding and reception are not being rude. Not all parties are appropriate for children. If they want a formal, cocktail-y atmosphere, which let's face it isn't exactly enhanced by the presence of toddlers, that's their privilege. And certainly if they have told others that they cannot bring their children, obviously they can't tell you otherwise. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. You didn't do anything wrong, so long as you don't badmouth your friends. And perhaps it will help you to feel better about your friends if you realize that they weren't being rude to you after all.
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the rest of us only care so much about your wedding. I mean, we're happy for you and all, but your wedding isn't THAT big a deal to us. We can't stay excited about it for months and months. We aren't going to worship at the altar of someone else's wedding. We can stay excited for a few weeks, while your marriage is still pretty new. But if we've seen very much of you in the meantime, why are we suddenly celebrating w/ a party now? I think you are right about people being in "wedding mode." Having a party in the summer to celebrate your wedding SIX MONTHS AGO OR MORE! would be total anticlimax. I'd be thinking, "Enough already!" I say, the reception should be within a month or the wedding itself. Maybe 6 weeks, at the MOST. If you're going to put it off for much longer, then just don't bother. In fact, I think it's important to have the reception BEFORE people have sent you Christmas cards as a married couple, and before you've sent them out in your new married status. Stick to your guns.
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jadiesmom, don't be mad at lindac. She isn't trying to make you feel bad. I have to say that destination weddings, followed by a reception at home, do confuse me a bit. I understand sweet pea's points, and she is a pro. But to me it still seems sort of like trying to do the same wedding two different ways. Or perhaps having the ceremony with the honeymoon instead of the reception. If a couple wants to have a private wedding, whether in some exotic locale or at city hall, I can understand that, although I can also understand family being hurt (especially for a first marriage; after that, I think most families would understand a couple's not wanting to have another big wedding). But when a destination wedding is followed by a local reception, that is what confuses me. I don't understand why they don't then simply have the wedding when and where they have the reception, and then go on a honeymoon to the "destination." If there is going to be a big reception anyway, then having the ceremony in the vacation destination instead just seems to me to be saying, "we care more about an exotic setting for our vows than we do about your presence." That may not be the couple's intention, but I think you can understand how some people might get that message. I certainly agree that it is the bride and groom's choice to do what they want (and I am sure lindac would agree -- she never said no one has a RIGHT to a destination wedding or anything like that). At the same time, I think brides and grooms need to understand that their friends and family have the right to their feelings, too. You call it "Our day" -- well, it is, and you can either share it or not. That's your choice -- but that doesn't mean you can control how everyone is going to feel about it. It is also not true that brides and grooms always know what "everyone" is excited about and fine with. People may be disappointed but mature and gracious. Look through some of these strings on destination weddings, cash bars, buffet lines, pot-luck receptions, "open" seating, registry cards in invitations, etc. You will find both posters who say, "We did that and everyone was fine with it," "no one complained," and even "everyone loved it." On the same string, you will see posters -- many, not just a few -- who dislike or are even offended by those same things. That doesn't mean that they would dream of criticizing someone who did them. I, for example, think that cash bars at private parties are really unacceptable. The few times I have seen them, I certainly didn't say a word of criticism to anyone about it, and I wouldn't have even if asked. A polite guest doesn't criticize hosts' hospitality, and a friend is supportive about friends' plans. It sounds like your family and friends are not upset about your plans, even if they might actually feel like lindac -- well, good! Then you don't have a problem. Congratulations, and have fun!
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First of all ~ Congratulations on your up coming wedding! This is the only time (usually) in your life when this event is truly about you and your fiance - PLEASE, enjoy your ride!! It's only the first time once!! I too am having a destination wedding so I can totally understand your concerns with trying to acommodate everyone. I must warn you, when asking for opinions on this forum, you may not always like what you hear! I joined another forum - bestdestinationweddings.com - because they were more understanding and a lot more positive than many on this forum because everyone there IS having a destination wedding and can appreciate it! With that being said, we too had to invite a lot of people. Actually, what is now happening is that people I didn't think to invite are coming out of the woodwork and want to attend and that is awesome! What I did was a form letter on parchment paper and envelopes. I did a little "Save the date for the wedding of..." on the top third of the letter. On the rest of the letter I put "it is with much excitement and anticipation that we extend this invitation to you and your family. On (date) we will be exchanging vows at/on (the love boat - wherever). I did a short blurb of where and when it would be, a short blurb about which travel agency was handling reservations and gave a contact name and number there, a little short blurb about the hotel and 7 & 4 day all inclusive prices, two sentences about passports, one sentence about our wedding website and a closing sentence that said something like we hope you can make it, let us be the excuse you finally take a much needed vacation, etc. ~ and of course we signed the letters! I did attach a copy of the hotel's fact sheet and a color picture of the hotel (I took it off of the website - it had a PDF fact sheet) Based on the feedback, the attachment REALLY was a nice thing to do and by including the prices it gave a lot of people a dollar amount to associate what they were getting for their money. It wasn't a sales pitch, it just gave people an idea of what it would cost. Our wedding isn't until next November, but I sent the information out last month. For most working class folks with kids, we have to plan our finances accordingly and took that into consideration when sending out the letters so far in advance. Good luck and don't let the negative posts on this forum get you down.
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talley_sue_nyc
18 years ago
My dad already told me he would not go and to count him out. Hopefully he will change his mind, considering he is the only parent I have.

This would be the thing that made me change my venue, were I in your situation--I'd really want to get married where my dad could attend. Or, I'd try to save up so I could pay his fare (or part of it, even--whatever it would take to get him there).

That's one thing that the personal letters can do--they can help you float a "trial balloon." If you hear back that so many people think they won't come, or that some particularly important people can't be there, and that is bothering you, you could then change your plans easily. A save-the-date seems so very official, that I think people would think they had no hope of influencing you, and you yourself might feel locked in.

You may already feel very solid w/ your decision to marry in Puerto Vallarta; I don't mean to imply that you shouldn't.

But there is a cost w/ destination weddings that has nothing to do with money, and you want to be sure you're ready to pay that cost. Or to feel that you're free to "economize" by changing your plans to avoid some of those costs.

Of course, every wedding is a destination wedding for *someone.* You'll have to decide what works best for you two, and your family, etc.

Destination Wedding & Save the Date Cards

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Destination Wedding & Save the Date Cards

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talley_sue_nyc

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jadiesmom
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