Maid of Honor tantrum

Snapdragon

19 years ago

Ouch, that's a painful situation from the sound of it. I just went through the wedding/reception last week and I have to say the stress is pretty high before the ceremony so if you're feeling this way now it may be a good thing your 'ex' MOH dropped out. I do think it's pretty tacky of her not to talk to you about it, herself! I can understand her feeling left out or left behind because a good friend has found someone to share her life with, but she's acting out her issues with you and that obviously isn't helping you as you prepare for your big day.

Can you talk to her rationally about what's bothering you regarding her behavior? If so, I'd at least suggest trying and if she's unreasonable, go ask your out of town friend to honor you with her participation in the wedding!

OshkoshBride
Original Author

19 years ago

My out of town friend was a bridesmaid anyway, I have just bumped her up to Matron of Honor. I have tried talking to her rationally before she blew up...she is just incapable of putting aside her own issues. I noticed that two months ago when she was her own sister's MOH, she was tantruming then...Oy Vey...but I do believe everything will work out wonderful, with or without her. In my past life I would have freaked out major, but I can't believe how calm I am!

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I have to say that I hate the way etiquette is changing. It's hard for those of us that used to do things by the book. At some point; in this electronic world.. etiquette has been lost. If I was the bride; I would have given at least a phone call; as well as a thank you card.. something because it sounds like you're close to the bride & her family. I don't know if the MOH is related. I'd try to be patient for when the bride sends thank you cards for the wedding. I hope she includes the cabin & if not; I think that's when I'd start getting hurt over it. You mention the cabin was cleaned but also that it's since been sold; would you have had to clean it to list it? I understand you did extra work for their event & agree that could factor in the wedding gift. Times are tough- they wanted your cabin to save someone money & I would have said something to the effect that it would be my wedding gift to the couple & spelled it out from the beginning.

Do I really need a maid of honor?

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It's your wedding, have who you want. I agree with the other poster who said your friends should not be upset about being chosen "second." They don't even have to know why. Just say "she" cannot attend after all and I would like to ask you. It's not a lie, it's just no one's business. If she gets offended, then yes, consider making new friends. When I got married we totally did it in an untraditional way. Like I said, it's MY wedding... I can do what I want. We just each had attendants, of both sexes, in both lines. One of my closest friends is male, should I exclude him from my wedding party? Of course not! So we each had both sexes in our wedding lines. We called the two signing our certificates "Attendants of Honor." We did not call any of them bridesmaids or groomsmen. Simply Attendants. It's your wedding. Do what you want. If you don't want a MOH, don't have one.

Maid/Matron of Honor

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You can have as many honor attendants as you please, and you can call any attendants anything you like. It's not like they are wearing cards around their necks at the ceremony! I see plenty of weddings with more than one maid and/or matron of honor, and for that matter, "man of honor" or "best woman" (or whatever you want to call a brother or male best friend being a bride's honor attendant, sister or female buddy for groom). The point is to include the people who are closest to you and let that dictate the arrangement, not to force your friends and family into with pre-set roles as if you were casting a chorus for a musical: one maid of honor, one best man, must have equal numbers of men and women -- forget it! I am guessing that part of your question is about whether it is okay to call a married woman a "bridesmaid" (because we are familiar with the term "matron of honor," but not "bridesmatron")? Sure, of course. I'm sure no one ever thought of someone's being a bridesmaid as an announcement of her single status.

Snapdragon

19 years ago

Good for you! It's your day and you should feel calm or as good as you can about it! My DH's BM and a groomsman pulled out (couldn't afford the cross country trip) about 3 wks before our wedding and we got another friend to be a groomsman and his dad was his BM and you know...it was all good and we enjoyed having his dad stand up for him. It was very special! So I think things will work out for you too, you've got the right idea- don't stress too much, just work it out as best you can!

duckie

19 years ago

Congratulations on your calmness in the midst of all of this. Have you actually talked to her to ensure that she has dropped out? You'd hate to put yourself in the position of finding a new MOH/BM due to inaccurate rumors.

You can do any number of things about the now missing BM. That person could be a male friend or family member and be a bride's attendant. You could just have odd numbers and let it go at that. You could chose a family member that might be a bit unusal - a dear aunt or even grandmother. And MOST importantly, if your wedding (and need of ordering BM dresses) isn't too very soon, you can give yourself lots of time to figure out what to do. A quick decision in the midst of this turmoil might not be the best decision.

cds22

19 years ago

Not to hijack your post, but as a quick note, Duckie have you ever considered becoming a professional advice columnist? I am serious - - you have wonderful, insightful responses and an intelligent yet genteel way of framing them.

To the OP, sorry about the stressful situation and hope all works out for the best.

gellchom

19 years ago

I second cds22's nomination of duckie. She always gives wonderful advice, and I completely agree with her suggestions, as usual. If you don't worry about matching sexes, numbers, or ages of attendants, you'll know exactly what to do. And definitely make SURE she really has dropped out, and that it wasn't just a second-hand account of a snit!
Good luck!

splinter

19 years ago

I agree... talk to her to make sure she's dropped out. Then forget about her. It will only get worse from here (I speak from experience). Do you really want to deal with more of her drama on the day of, let alone from now until then?

Don't worry if you have an odd ratio of girls to guys. I'd rather that than have someone in my wedding party who I don't really like anymore or know that well.

Andrea :o)

Ebeth471

19 years ago

When my closest friend got married there were 5 of us in the bridal party and 10 groomsmen! Do what works best for you.

OshkoshBride
Original Author

19 years ago

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I did call her but got her answering machine. I left a message. She never called back. I have also seen her online and she has made no attempt to contact me. After talking to my mother, who is the queen of etiquette, she said to just continue my wedding plans as though I never asked her to be in it. It is obvious that she has very strong emotions and issues which will only intensify as the date draws near. My mom just thinks it is very rude that she never dropped out in person, letter or phone call. I tried to explain to my fiance that we can have an odd number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but he doesn't like that idea. We both think it very rude of us to ask one of his guys to drop out. So I guess I will try to "rent" a friend...lol.
Thanks again!

scarlett2001

19 years ago

Hey, where do you live, one of us will gladly step in! I've been a bridesmaid 5 times, so I know the drill by heart.

Your friend needs to grow up. People who keep babying her and accepting her behavior are not helping her grow. Since she is acting like a child, those interacting with her, including you, need to make rules and stick to them and she has to learn to see and accept the consequences of her behavior. (This is good training for when you become a mother!)

I also think this is a blessing in disguise for you because by her dropping out- and please make her stick to that - you are being spared a lot of unnecessary grief at a time when you need to have lots of cooperation and support. You don't have to be the "heavy" - you can still be friendly but firm and remind her that this was her decision and now she has to bear the result of it, "no hard feelings".

OshkoshBride
Original Author

19 years ago

Scarlett2001,
You are so right on! I have informed everyone else in the wedding party that she will no longer be a part of it. Under no circumstances will I let her back in. At this point I don't even know if she will be invited! Incidently, I am a mom and know how to stick to my guns.
All of my other bridesmaids are very supportive, in fact one saw this coming for a while.
Thanks again!
Colleen

nancylouise5me

19 years ago

Glad to hear you worked this out. I agree with your mom. Your "best friend" was and is rude for the way she is behaving. Sounds self centered and immature too. You don't need all the drama she is causing. If you do invite her to the wedding, have you thought of someone to keep watch over her just in case she decides to have another tantrum?! Best wishes for your wedding day! NancyLouise

gellchom

19 years ago

If she's your best friend of 15 years, I would think very carefully before deciding not to invite her at all. But I do like NancyLouise's suggestion of having someone keep an eye on her. One of my attendants was sort of a loose cannon, so I asked another one (a psychologist, as a matter of fact!) to SECRETLY "babysit" her and keep her from disrupting anything. It worked perfectly -- to this day, she has no idea.

Leisu

19 years ago

If you invite her, she WILL cause a ruckus at the wedding, don't do it... just call the friendship quits, and if later on in the future (after the wedding) she decides to approach you and give you your well deserved apology, then that would be great.

OshkoshBride
Original Author

19 years ago

The situation as it stands is that she will not be an invited guest. I have already asked my married friend to be the Matron of Honor and asked another friend to be a bridesmaid. We had most of the weding party over for a BBQ on Memorial Day and all were relieved that the ex friend will not be a part of the wedding. One said that now everyone can relax and have fun instead of catering to the drama queens needs!
As far as I am concerned the friendship is over and it is time to move on. I have enabled her enough over the years and my focus is on my new wonderful almost married life!
Thanks again to all who have responded!
Colleen

sunshine4376

19 years ago

I'm glad that the situation worked out for the best...now you can have fun planning your wedding.

This is totally off topic, but Oshkosh Bride, I noticed that you responded that you are a mom. I was wondering how old your kid(s) is/are and what you plan on doing with them for the wedding. Are they old enoughto be a part of it?

I have three boys (one son, two stepsons...I'm the SAHM to them all though). They'll be 5, 6, and 7 when we get married and I was thinking about doing the family medallion thing and maybe a sand ceremony.

OshkoshBride
Original Author

19 years ago

Yes, now I can have fun planning my wedding! Argh
Yes, I do have a son, he will be 11 when we get married. My son wants to be the ring bearer, I want him to stand up at the alter with my fiance and my mother wants him to walk with her and I down the aisle. So at this point I have no idea how that will play out.
Back to the MOH tantrum. On the last day of school (our kids go to the same school) she cornered my son and tried to pump him for wedding information, like who replaced her and asking other questions too. Evan didn't giver her much info. When he told me what she did my fiance and I sent her an email telling her how inappropriate it was to involve a child in her antics and that we are holding her to her decision to back out of the wedding and to basically mind her own business. It was not in a malicious tone, just to the point. We have not heard back from her since.
Good luck with your wedding plans...keep me posted as to what you will do with your children. By the way, what does SAHM mean?

talley_sue_nyc

19 years ago

stay at home mom (not that they actually STAY at home; they're busier than most working moms)

sunshine4376

19 years ago

How awful of her to drag your son into it. I guess you should be relieved that it happend now with enough time to replace her.

And Talley Sue already answered the SAHM question ;0)

OshkoshBride
Original Author

19 years ago

Oh, I am a SAHM! Thanks again for everyones replies. This forum is a great place for me to "vent", that way I can't drive my poor fiance even crazier!

janialove

19 years ago

What a B**ch! Tha woman was never your friend than...She was probably being fake.Forget her she acts like you need to kiss her A** for her being in your wedding.She should be honored.Whens your wedding anyways???Mine was last saturday and I was 2 hours late:(

Maid of Honor tantrum

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