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Flowers for Mom?

18 years ago

Looking for advice on what I should say/do. My daughter met with her florist and the MOG last week to plan the flowers for her upcoming wedding. Apparently when they had finished discussing the flowers for the bridal party, my daughter asked the florist about ideas for flowers for their mothers. She knows that I don't feel old enough for a regular lapel corsage (ha!)but wondered if perhaps there was some small bouquet that would be suitable. The florist informed her that the current trend is NO FLOWERS for the mothers. The MOG didn't say anything, I guess. I should add that she is paying for the flowers as their contribution to the wedding. I don't know if she cares about any flowers for herself or not. My daughter didn't say anything else at that point.

My question would be, am I wrong to feel really hurt by this? I guess I expected my daughter to speak up and say that she wanted me to have flowers?

Comments (20)

  • 18 years ago

    caseys, I have never heard of such a thing. No flowers to honor the mothers! That's ridiculous. I have never been to a wedding where the mothers have not recieved flowers. Your daughter should have spoken up at the florist shop. You are not wrong to feel hurt. I know I would be. Please talk to your daughter about it. Let her know how you feel. She may disagree with the florist too but was just to shy to say something in front of the MOG. NancyLouise

  • 18 years ago

    Thanks, NancyLouise. I forgot to add that my MIL will probably expect a corsage since she had one at her other granddaughter's wedding. Maybe I should just get her one on my own?

    I tried to talk to her about it last night and I told her I felt funny since his family is paying for the florist. I offered to pay for my own flowers but then won't that look strange if I have some and the MOG doesn't? The florist is good friends I think with the MOG. She may even be one of their wedding guests. She personally went to the Church and reception sites to get a feel for what kind of arrangements would be appropriate.

    Of course my husband won't say anything to her either.

  • 18 years ago

    The florist is a bit of a twit when it comes to buisness sence! Number one - This is possibly an up and coming trend, but it most assuradly is not an established tradition. Number two - a customer wants flowers and the florist says 'no'?!?! Well, I guess you don't need to worry about getting bullied into buying more than you want.

    Try to give your daughter a second chance. She DID speak up and say she wanted flowers for you. The authority figure said "no, no my dear, that just isn't done." You don't feel old enough to wear a corsage, she probably doesn't feel old enough to resist this authority figure. She is probably at an age where doing things right and what friends/society expect is extremely important.

    Speak to her and let her know it would mean a great deal to you to have some flowers. Right now she has only heard the salesman say it isn't done and the MOG say nothing - implicity indicating don't bother. She hasn't yet heard from you. Without addressing it directly it would sound like you agree with the don't do it sentiment.

    By the way, what would you like for your flowers? The signifiant advantage of a corsage is that you don't have to hold it. While a corsage looks a little silly on a little girl, I don't particularly think of them as only for the elderly.

  • 18 years ago

    Does your daughter agree with the florist on no flowers for the mothers, or is she just to shy to say something to her future MIL. I'm not understanding that part. Personally, it doesn't matter what the florist says. If your daughter wants flowers for the mothers then that is that. If it is a money thing corsages are not that expensive. My daughter just went to her prom a few weeks ago. We ordered a wrist corsage and a bootiner(sp?) it came up to $32 tax included. They were very nice. Red and white sweetheart roses,baby's breath,and lace ribbons. I probably wouldn't order a corsage for your MIL just yet. It might look a bit strange if she was the only one wearing a corsage. NancyLouise

  • 18 years ago

    My daughter is in her mid twenties and she is very concerned about how things will look. This is why I'm having a hard time understanding this. I don't think that $$ factors into the decision regarding the floral expenditures. We are spending plenty on this wedding and the groom's parents are upper income as well - more so, really. The only way that money enters into the picture is that it happens to be his family that offered to pay for the flowers because they have a connection. That is why I feel awkward about this and don't want to sound like I am demanding something.

    Not too long ago, I had to order flowers for a funeral and while I was in the shop I asked the clerk about MOB flowers these days. She showed me some pictures of flowers that were attached to clutch purses that looked kind of cute. I guess you buy something that matches your dress and give it to them and they sort of attach a little corsage to that?

    A friend's son was married last year and I noticed that the mother carried her own smaller bouquet but does anyone think that it looks like you are trying to be one of the bridesmaids?

  • 18 years ago

    I've seen the clutch purse ones before. They are very nice. A good alternative to a bouquet or a corsage. If your daughter is worried about appearances then she should be ordering flowers for the mothers. It would look very strange to me to NOT see flowers for the mothers at a wedding. The flowers say you are special to me. I honor and recognize the important people in my life. Are there not going to be boutonieres for the fathers too? NancyLouise

  • 18 years ago

    "Are there not going to be boutonieres for the fathers too?"

    Good question. I didn't dare ask that one!

    This might be a recent trend, possibly regional. Let's hope it doesn't spread! I certainly expect flowers every time one of my kids gets married.

    You know, the more I think about this, the more it bothers me. I mean if I had been in her situation and didn't want to speak up. I would have contacted another florist and ordered something for my mother and also my future mil and just paid myself. If my husband's mom didn't want it, then fine but at least it would show my mom that I tried.

  • 18 years ago

    For what it's worth, I DON'T usually see flowers on the moms in my community, but sometimes I do.

    The main thing is, this is not something to get all upset over. Her not arguing with the florist about it is NOT a rejection of you.

    If you would like to have flowers, then just tell her that it would make you feel good, so if she doesn't mind, please change the order to include flowers for you and her MIL. Offer to pay for them. I would NOT start talking about how hurt you were that she "didn't want you to have flowers." It probably never even occurred to her that you would care one way or the other. This could be an opportunity to make unnecessary misery -- avoid it.

    Weddings are golden opportunities to feel slighted -- if that's what you want. But it's just flowers. Don't let every decision about a wedding be a test of love, or you are bound to be disappointed.

  • 18 years ago

    I am a wedding coordinator; if there is a trend away from flowers for mothers/dad/grandparents, it must be a regional thing because it definitely isn't national. The major bridal magazines still show flowers for the parents. I would ask your daughter what she wants, then follow through.

  • 18 years ago

    gellchom, you are right about it perhaps being a regional thing. It is probably spreading, too. I just don't want it to spread to THIS wedding. I have never seen a bride's mother NOT have flowers. Some would think that I'm making a big deal about nothing but I have done nothing to interfere with this whole production. All I do is write checks! This wedding is costing us way more than we feel is necessary but we've said nothing.

    I can well afford to buy my own flowers and maybe that's what I will have to do in order to avoid being embarrassed in front of my friends.

  • 18 years ago

    caseys, I don't think you are making a big deal about nothing. I can understand why you are upset. I would be too. Do you think you can talk to your daughter one more time? Just let her know you would like flowers for the Mothers and your MIL?
    *That you think the florist is off her rocker and don't believe everything she tells you! JUST KIDDING!*
    If your daughter still says no, then that's a tuffy. I'm not sure I would go against the brides' wishes, but I probably would buy a corsage for the MIL by myself. NancyLouise

  • 18 years ago

    Every wedding that I have been closely connected with to take notice, had flowers for everyone and their dog!
    When my daughter was married I had a small nose gay with a velvet rope so it could hang from my wrist if I needed my hand.
    Weddings I have been to lately had flowers for mothers, step mothers, grandmothers, reception hostesses, a small arrangement on the organ for the organist to take home...the ushers and groomsmen as well as fathers and grandfathers all had boutoniers. I really don't think that the no flowers thing is any sort of a trend! And it wasn't your daughter's place to speak was yours! Aren't you the mother of the bride and aren't you paying for about everything else?? Perhaps you should remind the MOG that it's becoming the usual thing for the MOG not to have anything to eat during the reception!
    I would tell my daughter that you feel that it is a matter of honoring the parents and grandparents for them to have a flower. Then tell the MOG that you will be having flowers for yourself and mother and that you don't mind paying for them....but that you thought she ought to knbow so she doesn't feel odd being the only one without flowers!
    Linda C

  • 18 years ago

    Linda, Yesterday my daughter called me about something else and I told her that I was going to buy her grandmother a corsage to wear to the wedding because she would expect it. She told me "Grandma is included in the flower order". Then I asked her if it was only the mother's who don't get anything and she didn't answer.

    I don't know the MOG at all really. I only met her once. I thought I would email some pictures (examples) of flowers for mothers that I found on the internet and see what my daughter says. Since the MOG was the one who met with the florist I don't know why she doesn't want any. I guess maybe these women don't think it's chic or something. The florist is supposedly a good friend of her's. I don't even know who they are using.

    I'll see what I can find out.

  • 18 years ago

    Is it possible your daughter is planning some kind of flower suprise for you? "Grandma is included in the flower order." Silence when directly asked about you and flowers. A most flimsy excuse for no flowers. It sounds to me like there is something brewing there, but she doesn't have all her cover excuses lined up yet.

  • 18 years ago

    duckie - that would be nice if that was what she was planning but I don't think that's the case. I think the woman implied that she considers it to be a bit "tacky" or something. Probably a city vs. country thing or being sophisticated vs. unsophisticated. We don't exactly live in the boonies but maybe to her, we do!

    I have to order flowers for another event tomorrow so I will ask at the local flower shop what they think.

  • 18 years ago

    She, the MOG doesn't want an ugly "thing" with a big stiff bow pinned to her silk dress, but doesn't want you to seem to be favored, so you don't get flowers either. She's too unimanative to see other possibilities. Even 40 some years ago, my mother had small envelope purse made from upholstery off white matlesse and had a flower to pin to that. A tussy-mussy is nice, or a wrist corsage. There are many ways to wear/carry some fresh flowers than the traditional "thing" pinned to your lapel! I grew up in the ear of strapless gowns...I had a corsage once that was contoured to fit at the waist of the dress.
    Tell your daughter that you think the Mother of the Bride should have some flowers....and it she is planning something special, you will keep your mouth shut and not spoil the surprise, but if she's just not planning on any, you will do your own. A single rose or a calla lily with a soft satin bow and streamers for you to carry down the aisle is lovely.
    Linda C

  • 18 years ago

    You are your daughter's life coach, her first (and maybe her only) teacher in the realm of etiquette and manners.

    You were right tell her that you think grandma will be really, really hurt if she doesn't receive flowers--but wrong to offer to order them separately. Your DD needs to step up and take the responsibilities of a grownup.

    And I think it would be OK for you to say to her, "I am realizing that my expectations are much like grandma's--I hadn't expected it, but my feelings will be hurt if I don't have flowers. And I wonder if your future MIL would actually find that she minds, as well."

    And, I think you should have been saying something about how much money you wish you weren't spending, if only to your DD. Part of her education, about how she imposes on other people.

  • 18 years ago

    You know what I wonder? I wonder if MOG feels exactly the same way you do but is hesitant to say anything to her future DIL in order to avoid conflict? I mean, we're assuming that because the MOG didn't say anything she was in agreement, but at first we assumed that your daughter didn't say anything because she might be shy in front of MOG. What if it's the other way around?

    I think it's wrong to try to dictate the details of the wedding to the bride, it's her day. But in this case, I can't see any harm in the Mothers and Fathers having flowers, it's tradition, and it's definitely a way for the bride & groom to honor those who put in all those years raising them. If nothing else, it helps the guests identify some of the wedding VIPs!

    I don't see anything wrong with your having a conversation with your daughter to make her understand how you feel. Being MOB is more than just writing checks, IMHO. It's also about sharing the experience with your daughter.

    Now, if you sit down, have a thorough conversation, explain to her how you feel, and then get her feelings, ideas, etc. and still find yourself at an impasse, well then you have to decide if the battle is worth fighting. But until she really understand your point of view, and you really understand hers, I say you have unfinished business.

  • 18 years ago

    Have your husband put the most gorgeous flowers on you the day of your daughter's wedding and wear them proudly! No discussion.

  • 18 years ago

    in fact, tell us what your DH's e-mail address is,a nd we'll send him an anonymous e-mail telling him to buy you flowers. Get the MOG's husband's e-mail address too.

    Or, just the groom's, and we'll sic HIM on notifying the husbands.