Hi Nancy, I can't imagine to know what it's like to have a step child or grandchild, but I do know what it feels like as the mother of a child who is not the biological child of my husband and his family. My husband's sister clearly shows her favortism, and has no problem doing it. I get so angry!!!!! Yes, my son does have his moments where he can be obnoxious, trying, although never disrespectful, but he has been through a lot in his short little life because his father and I are not together. He is not spoiled, and is taught to be responsible - a very sensitive little guy. On one occasion after my husband's parents gave him an especially large gift of money (that was exactly the same as given for the other kids), my son and I together wrote them a thank you note for the gift, showing our appreciation for their acceptance of my son just like the other grandchildren. HOWEVER, when my SIL show clear preference for my other childrens' company, and says on the phone "Say hi to the two kids for me" (I have 3 kids!!!!), I feel hurt VERY deeply for the sake of my son, who is an innocent recipient of this treatment. I never tell him things like this, but I know he knows. It's so rude! Just think of how YOU would feel if your biological grandchildren happened to become step children and the family there treated them with less respect than their own. Wouldn't you heart just ache for them? I am an adoptee. Thank goodness that there are people like my parents who pray to God to be so lucky to take on another person's child! It's the same thing. You really have to accept that oldest granchild as your own. You could gain a wonderful companion. :)

So far, I have step-grandkids (8 of them plus one step-greatgranddaughter) but although I think of their parents as step-kids (all well into adulthood when Gary and I married), I've never thought of the kids as steps. They are my grandchildren. Sometimes I tell Gary that I married him for the grandchildren :-) It took a little while (we've been married just over 2 1/2 years) but all but the oldest one call me Grandma now. My son and daughter in law will present us with my first contribution to the grandchild pool in July. I'm sure there will be something special about holding my child's baby in my arms, but they are all my grandchildren and I love them all. I wouldn't dream of treating them differently.

Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.

Everyone that knew MaryAnn knew how special she was. Sending my sympathies to her family and friends. We are all truly better because we were friends with such a lovely lady. Rest in peace MaryAnn, our own special angel.