BM complaining about summer arrangements...

17 years ago

BM called DH and left a message saying she needed to talk to him. (Sigh--he needs to work with her on stating the REASLON for the message. Screening/limiting his contact with her is tough when she just leaves this vague, yet "urgent" messages. Then inevtiably, when he calls back, it is usually something minor that totally could have waited or been handled via email.)

ANYWAY..BM said she wanted to go over plans for the summer as to who is watching SS. DH said that AS USUAL I will be watching him when DH is at work. This was the same as last summer and the summer before, as well.

DH will pick SS up after work (maybe 5ish) on Wednesdays, and then SS will be with me on Thursdays. DH tries to be "off" on Thursdays (since he works on Saturdays) so he usually will be home around 3-4ish. Then I will also have SS every other Friday and Sat, on our weekends.

Well, BM is all in a tizzy and told DH she is filing a motion to modify that.

UGH. Can she do that?

Well--I know she can do it--but will she get it?

It just bugs me to no end. She has no problem with me watching him when it's convenient for her, and mark my words--if she DOES end up successfully modifying it, then she will b*tch to no end about how DH isn't spending time with SS, etc.

I just don't see how she could modify anything while in the midst of alchol evals.

And how would this work, anyway? Is DH to bring him out to her (25 miles from our home to hers) every morning when he's with us, and pick him back up after work? I think not.

Then, of course, she had to hit on child support and told DH she is going to ask for monetary support if she has SS with her every day this summer.

AUUGHHH.

I am so irritated.

Mostly, it annoys me because things are sailing along beautifully with SS and me right now. The incident with his mom really brought us closer, and things have been good. Having both the kids in the summer is fun, and I just got our pool passes the other day--I was looking forward to some fun times this summer w/the kids.

I mean--I get that whole ROFR thing, but BM and DH don't have that written into their agreement. And, really, time at our house, even it is with me, and DD, is still time with OUR Family. SS needs that time to strengthen his bond with me, and DD, IMO.

STRESSFUL STUFF!

She has her alcohol eval. tomorrow, so I think the first thing is to see how that goes.

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Comments (12)

kkny
17 years ago
Can she file for a modified schedule? Where I live, if she hasnt requested a modification within a certain period, yes. Will she get it? Help me out -- who moved away, your DH or her? If she did, I have trouble beleiving a court would not try to accomodate dad.
imamommy
17 years ago
I feel for you! I swear we are dealing with the SAME woman or clones!

Let her huff and puff... who knows if she will blow the house down? I tend to say actions speak louder than words... but that was before BM actually filed for custody of SD. (I really didn't think she ever would, but then when money has become an issue... it's important for her to have custody of her daughter now) She may get it, there's no guarantees what a court will do... it's will drive you crazy to speculate and guess. (or worry about it)

I wish I had some encouraging words for you. My SD's BM has twisted everything to make me look like a monster and then got SD to tell the mediator terrible things about me (which really hurt) and now it really is up in the air... and it has put a strain on my relationship with SD because SD knows everything I have done for her but says to my face that everything she said is true... now, I can understand why she lied, we expected it since BM made a special trip to be the one to take her and I'm not upset over what she said, I'm upset that she stands behind what she said when we both know it's all lies. She could say I'm sorry I said those things about you and I would let it go, but she refuses to admit she lied. Anyways, not trying to hijack your thread... but we seem to be dealing with the same type of person and every time she sinks to a new low... it really leaves me shaking my head and wondering what the hell I am doing this for? and everything you say about your SS's BM... is stuff SD's mom has done (or said). If I do nice things... I'm 'overstepping'. If I disengage/back off and let DH do everything... I'm treating her daughter like a 2nd class citizen in our home. There is no winning with a b*tch like that... they care more about the fight/control than they do about what's best for their child. Makes me sick...

Sorry I don't have anything better to say... my head hurts from the BS.
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Daycamp a couple weeks this summer might be something she actually enjoys if she will give it a chance. You might also suggest to dad that you'd like say two morning (or afternoons) a week that allow you to be free of caretaking. Time to clean house, do your errands, book club at library or whatever. That would not be unreasonable. When dad goes off to work along the lines of 9 to 5 Monday through Friday and you're the 'stay at home' caregiver, your correct that the 'not my kid, not my problem' is something that's easier said than done. Dad is leaving you at home in charge of watching his daughter for 8 to 9 or more hours a day until he gets home. While I agree with others that you can't tell dad his daughter can't watch tv if dad thinks it's perfectly okay for his daughter to be a couch potato, that does not mean you have to be the one there taking that responsibilty all day, day after day. And if you plan an outing such as a walk or a trip to the library, she has to join in as she can't stay home alone. If you really have no hope of motivating activities other than tv/vids, you might also try setting her up in a place other than the living room. But not her bedroom. A playroom with the tv, books, crafts, toys ...and declare 'quiet time' for an hour (but not sshhh, no noise allowed)...just a simple 'we are going to clear the livingroom for an hour, it's time for our quiet time'. Maybe she'll go off to her playroom, maybe she'll go outside, it's her choice what and how she spends the time, it just can't be in the livingroom. Lure her outside, set yourself up a place for your 'my space', a cozy corner of your deck or under a shade tree where you can go out and read. Who knows, maybe with you outside daughter will venture out and ride that scooter. I think what most have been trying over your different posting threads in telling you in their opinions, is that you can't tell dad how to raise his daughter (example, too much tv, no veggies, inactive sedate days) but you do get some say in how *you* spend the day. It's unrealistic to think one will have lots of relaxation, quiet time, and self entertaining kids all day when there are children in the home...if you know how that can be done without affecting normal childhood, write a book, it'll be a best seller LOL... it is not unrealistic to think that you have to be the one doing all the caregiving in dad's absence. Shakti above had some good ideas with "May be you can do something with her (think as if she were your own d, what would you do with her? - talking, joking, walking in the park, cooking together ...)" If you do intend to remain the sole caregiver during dad being absent, you are going to have to come up with ways to make it workable for both daughter and you without complaining and fighting. If SD is not there one week, maybe that's when you need to focus on the main housework. Maybe folding towels and putting her own laundry away could be a regular assigned chore. Helping set the table. Little things that are actually helpful to you yet gives her a sense of not only responsibilty but also a sense of being a part of what's going on in the home...being included.
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She didn't take them when she left. Many excuses why she didn't take them. here's a few ... bf doesn't like kids, Dad was their fulltime caregiver. his family's home, she didn't have any place to go. didn't want to break up the children (oldest is not hers). She has told the kids daddy brided the judge thats why you can't live with me. We have issues with PAS from a NCP. I wouldn't want to cut her out completely. She doesn't have any diagnosed reason not to be with her children. Joint custody would freak her out more than no visitation at all. She would pretend to be pissed about not seeing them but underneath it would be easier for her to walk away. Hubby feels eventually she will just go away. As long as she stops bad mouthing us to the kids I don't care how much time she spends with them or doesn't spend with them as the case may be. CS is attached to her paycheck so I am assuming it will come out of her unemployment check as well. She called today said she was thinking of picking up a part time job saturday and sunday 12-5 I said well you can find someone to watch them on saturday from 12-5 and bring them home for noon on sunday... but I wanted to pick them up sundays at 5 ... you can either pick them up at noon sunday or drop them off at noon not 5. lets not schedule anything till you get the job. What if you don't get a job for 3 months ... The only change I am willing to make is wed fri eo sat or tues fri eo sat. I'll talk to you later its dinner time.
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I read your post and I really felt for you. You're obviously trying very hard to help your SD integrate into your family and learn some basic life skills, but you're not getting enough support. From your description of the situation, it sounds as though your husband's parenting skills are very weak. Your SD is in need of guidance, but you need him to stand by you and start enforcing rules about hygiene, table manners, family involvement and courtesy. Also, it sounds as though your SD is struggling to cope with reality and find her own sense of self. The pictures of the BM, the focus on the "past" (probably an illusion) - none of it sounds real. None of it is helping her to build a future. These are big problems and I think that you would benefit from some couples counselling. Also, I think that your SD should get some help as well. As a teacher, I'm sure that you've seen kids derail over the years. Do any of them remind you of your SD?
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Ok, to clarify, my issue is not what their rules are. Its the dont tell or your in trouble policy. This goes back to the inappropriate touching issue. My youngest DD in trouble for telling me that the step-sister had touched her inappropriately. Yes, call it nosey, call it controlling whatever, but when I get the "I'm not supposed to tell" speech that's when I get upset. THere is a history of I'm not supposed to tell stuff that has gone on. Getting in trouble specifically, the girls will figure that part out, and stay under the radar eventually. The kids are not allowed to call the OP and whine about being in trouble. That goes for both houses, so we are on the same page. Even if they did call their dad, I have nothing to hide and will not prevent them from telling their dad they are in trouble. TO KATHLINE, to answer you. Funny because as I was responding back to SM yesterday as she asked me what I thought of her parenting style. My thought was...well on one hand you are too lineant (sp) and then on the other have some really unreasonable strict that's how it is kind of rules. So how do you decribe that parenting style? Two complete opposite sides of the spectrum. She allows the girls to dress like tramps....that's not strict. But then has a rule that step-sisters cant be friends with each others friends. That doesnt make sense to me. They are all close in age and we live in a very small town. Too me...just doesnt make sense. Why can't they all be friends? Not that I'm gonna go discuss this with SM just my thought on the idea. Secondly regarding my son and his older friend. I never said anything while it was going on.... but after the fact, yes reminded him she was the one I warned him about in life before I sent him out on his way into the world. No I do not need to control my son's love life and havent. I will however tell him if I am concerned about something. Sometimes he listens, sometime he doesnt. As in the past I will always be there for him regardless if his choice is one I agreed with or not. He will eventually figure it out and luckily we have that type of relationship we can talk about this kind of stuff. Yes, I have been forced to deal with SM because EXH cannot take care of anything. Sooo this is the only way as parents we have been able to coordinate crap. I realized the other night how angry I actually am with EXH when he wouldnt talk to me. He's letting his wife handle everything, just like he let me handle everything when we were married. So her and I are left to deal with each other. I resent that a little bit I guess because he is still not being responsible for choice making, again! Yes, I do need to make some changes and that is what I am working on and hence the whole reason I put my foot down with SM. It really shouldnt be this difficult EVERY day! I am a very strong woman and for the sake of peacekeeping have turned the other cheek and bit my tongue more than you could imagine, I have tried to build a relationship with this woman which I thought was in the best interest of my children. Instead I have become the mat for her feet wiping and I'm done. Call it controlling if you want. I am taking my space back. Believe me, the less I have to hear from the otherhouse the better. I have a wonderful life right now with my husband, our new baby girl, my job, and my relationship with my kids. Everything else is great! I just have this rash....and it won't go away. So.....this forum is my venting space and I will not engage with her any longer other than one liners. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let this black cloud ruin my sunshine.
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lovehadley
Original Author
17 years ago
"Help me out -- who moved away, your DH or her?"

Both of them and neither, at the same time.

When BM and DH were together, they lived together in DH's condo. Split up and BM moved back to the suburb where her family is---about 10 miles from where she and DH had been living. DH bought a house about 2-3 miles from their old condo and moved there. So I'd say they lived about 15 miles apart, give or take.

DH lived in his house for 5 years.

Then DH and I moved in together shortly before we got married. He moved to the suburb I live in, but it's about 5 miles from his old house.

So this put us at 20 miles away from BM. They went to court right around this time over school district issue.

Then BM just moved, last month, about 5 miles farther west of us. So she is now about 25 miles from our house.

So---it's been a gradual thing, no one has just up and moved miles away out of the blue. They keep drifting farther apart. We are settled in our home, though, no plans to move, and if we ever did---it would for SURE be within a 3 mile radius. We LOVE the town we live in and would not leave.

I don't really blame BM for wanting to be in "her" area because her family/friends are all out there, it's where she grew up, etc. Same reasons we have for wanting to in "our" area.
lovehadley
Original Author
17 years ago
"If I do nice things... I'm 'overstepping'. If I disengage/back off and let DH do everything... I'm treating her daughter like a 2nd class citizen in our home. "

Oh Ima...I can so relate. It is d*mned if you do, d*mned if you don't with these people.

I guarantee you, BM is irritable b/c she doesn't like the idea of SS spending fun time with ME this summer. But if it were ME complaining and saying I didn't WANT to watch him, spend time with him, etc, she would be hoppin' mad.

You didn't hijack at all..it's comforting to know (misery loves company???) that others have been through this stuff before. It certainly doesn't make it easier or less stressful, though.

I'm sorry you're going through so much BS, too.
kkny
17 years ago
Ok, so I'ld say that's a push as to who moved away. When was the custody last adjusted?
lovehadley
Original Author
17 years ago
They finished their court case in December of 2008, so only 5 or 6 months ago.

BM agreed to DH having residential custody (per the GAL's rec.) and they got the court seal of approval on their 50-50 arrangement.

There is NOTHING in their court papers about ROFR at all. I do remember last summer BM balked a bit at me having SS and the GAL did say something about it not being her concern what goes on at our house, and vice versa when SS is with her.

I doubt she will really do anything. Her alcohol eval. is tomorrow and my guess is she's nervous/blowing smoke because of that.
mom2emall
17 years ago
To me it sounds like this alcohol eval has her head spinning. She is just trying to think of ways to "get" your dh. Changing custody, changing visitation, not letting you watch ss when your dh is at work, more money etc. She just wants to get a rise out of you guys. And her trick to give you all the wrong phone number for the eval place was a doozey!

If she really filed all these motions she would look silly. And I would really wait to see how this alcohol eval goes before worrying about anything. If she does not pass this she will not have a leg to stand on as far as modifying any visitation or custody or support.
nivea
17 years ago
I agree with Mom2emall, I think she's probably more than a bit panicking about the eval.
organic_maria
17 years ago
This sounds like a panick call and she's blowing steam.
SHe wont get the approval of rearranging because
1. the schedual has been like this for a while for summer and you have set the precedent.
2. The main residency is your DH's....not bm.
3. The judge will see it as her getting cahs....not for the benefit of the child. (she brought up the cash issue....she's scheming..in her delusional alcohol way.)
No.....its just a steam blowing convo...unless she brings it in court, dont worry about it. I'm sure her eval tomorrow is going to change things drastically and she is not ready for it.
kkny
17 years ago
Where I live, courts dont like to modify custody orders every 6 months, unless there has been a change in circumstances to justify it. Dont see it here. Good luck.
wild_thing
17 years ago
The courts would seriously let her come in and complain about who is watching her kid? There dad has to work in order to provide a home and support for them. Someone would have to watch them. I am sure the kids would rather stay with you than go to daycare.
Sometimes these biomoms are just plain ole crazy.
doodleboo
17 years ago
Jesus! Would somebody slap a straight jacket on this woman and call it a day already! BM is seriously grasping at straws.

BM complaining about summer arrangements...

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