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Can you invite people not asked to wedding to post wedding bash?

20 years ago

We have a very close friend getting married we want to throw a party for. The wedding is private & very small---family & scant handful of friends.

I know it is not proper to invite guests to a prenuptial party, or shower, if they are not invited to the wedding. How about to a post wedding party???

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Comments (7)

sweet_pea10
20 years ago
You can certainly invite guests to a post-wedding party. Just don't put an emphasis on gifts. Instead, make it an informal time to relax and enjoy being together.
talley_sue_nyc
20 years ago
Just don't put an emphasis on gifts.

Don't worry about this--NO invitation emphasizes gifts. No party does, either, except a kid's bday party and a shower. Just invite people, at WHATEVER level of formality you want.

A formal party has nothing to do w/ "emphasizing gifts." It emphasizes formalwear, but not gifts.

It is quite common for after-wedding receptions, whether thrown by the couple themselves or close friends or family, to INTENTIONALLY invite those that were not invited to the wedding.

It's a way to include people that the bride and groom (& their families) couldn't bcs of money constraints, a desire for intimacy, logistics, whatever.

How nice for your friends that they have people like you willing to honor them! We place so much emphasis nowadays on the bride and groom hosting their own wedding, and sometimes that comes across weird: "come to my wedding and shower ME with rice and attention."

It's so much more gracious when it's, "come to our friend's celebration and join me in showering THEM with attention."

I bet you'll have a really nice time, and everyone you invite will be glad to be there. (Get the bride & groom to bring some pics of the actual event, in case people ask to see them.)
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Well, I've certainly managed to provoke a discussion :). I appreciate all of the different insights. Let me just start by saying that I'm certain the bride's decision not to invite children to the reception was not meant to hurt me specifically and was certainly not about me. I didn't think that I gave that impression but it looks like I must have. I'm hurt because I won't be able to bring my son to the wedding. I wanted him to be included, to dress him up & show him off, to let him see his cousins all dressed up...whatever my reasons, there they are & they are mine. This is going to be a large wedding and there are a lot of children in the extended families. Mine is not the only child that will be excluded. And I would NEVER ask nor expect her to make an exception for my son! It's her day, it should happen as she wants it to. That doesn't change the fact that I'm still upset that he will be. Am I being irrational? Maybe but that's how I feel. And I'm making the assumption that my niece told my mom because she wanted word to get back to me. I could be totally wrong about that. Sue36- there would not have been a confrontation. I'm not like that. If I WAS that sort of person I would have had my niece on the phone last night. As I said, I understand her reasons. But I'm still hurt. Momj47- we did attend a wedding with our son when he was about 18 months (specifically invited with child). He ran us ragged and it was certainly a day spent on alert rather than enjoying the event. I'm trying to look at this as a bright side to the "no kids" decision for my niece's wedding. And not having to be in mom mode for a few hours will be nice. Bunglogrl- how to put this. My family does not have the same "respect your elders" policy that yours does. It's rather a "my way or the highway". My mother has always been accomodating, never making waves and doing everything to keep the peace. As a result family members feel free to speak to her disrespectfully and basically tell her what's to be done. I'm the only one that calls them on it. The accepted method of communication within my family seems to be the grapevine method. She complains to you, you complain to somebody else & eventually word gets back to the complainee. I hate this, absolutely loathe it. I'm sure that in 4 months I can find a babysitter. Of course I suspect that my husband is delighted with the idea of skipping the wedding & not having to be subjected to my extended family for a few hours. Lowspark- you're absolutely right, it has become the norm for parents to expect to take their children everywhere. But what I've noticed is that lots of these children are brought but not supervised. There are many times at the playground where I'm the only parent on top of their child. I'm not saying that I'm mother of the year, just that as a consequence a lot of these children are out of control. And formal functions seem no different than the playground. At a christening a few weeks ago there was only one other child there with a parent that was keeping him in line. The rest of the children ran wild through the restaurant, the bar, etc. But both you & mrsmarv seem to "get" me so I must be getting my point across somehow. I think? Nina
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Talley Sue has it exactly right, as always. Send invitations, not announcements, to those whom you want to invite. Don't send some "casual" invitations and some "formal" -- all the same, whether or not you think they will attend. Don't overdo it in an attempt to be helpful; it very quickly becomes pushy. I understand that you want to give people plenty of time to plan (and save up). But unless you run with a very wealthy crowd, please understand that very few people will be able to accept your invitation, and don't feel hurt that most cannot. (If they don't, it won't be because you didn't send them enough brochures and stuff early.) I think you can even pretty much figure on only your closest family and friends, and probably relatively few of them. That being the case, it should be easy just to let them know (if they don't already) that the wedding will be in Jamaica and what the date is. I would do this by phone call, a handwritten note, or e-mail, not a printed "pre-invitation" (you save a little money that way, too). You can either ask them if they'd like you to send the info about the resort, or just included it with a letter or as an e-mail attachment. I'm happy for you that some of your friends or relatives (you just said "couples") say they are planning to attend. Expect some drop-off, though. My cousin had his wedding in Kenya (where his fiance's family lived, not just because it was cool), and they sent us all info that did make it seem like the trip of a lifetime. Although several of us said we'd try to come, and we meant it (at least before learning the cost!), in the none of us did. Yes, it would have been amazing. But if I am going to save up that kind of dough, I want it to be for MY trip of a lifetime, not someone else's. Jamaica would be a lot less than Kenya, but it is still an expensive trip for just a weekend (except maybe for Floridians) so you may be contemplating everyone making it a whole week or something. But please understand that few people will be able to arrange their vacation schedules around your wedding plans, and even those who could might prefer to choose their own destinations and arrangements for what will be rather an expensive trip and possibly their only vacation of the year. There is another string going on about destination weddings right now; you might want to check it out. Is there some reason that the ceremony itself, not just the honeymoon, has to be in Jamaica?
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Go through this site and see the various threads on this topic. Although there are a few dissenters, the near unanimous opinion of the posters is that it is rock-bottom unacceptable to put ANY information or hints about ANY gifts in your invitations -- no registry info, no requests for cash. You will see that almost everyone feels that this is way beyond "not correct protocol" -- it's an absolute no-no. You don't want to indicate in any way that you connect wanting to invite people to your wedding with the idea that they will give you gifts. There is no polite way for you to tell them that you prefer cash, because there is no polite way for you to signal that you expect a gift at all. Don't send out registry cards or requests for cash in your invitations -- or any other way, for that matter. You may be confused by the many vendors that encourage you to enclose a "registry card" as if it were not only proper, but the "traditional wedding list," as you put it. Don't be fooled. Of COURSE they want you to distribute such cards -- that's free advertising for them. They don't care if you look greedy or crass. Putting a request for cash in your invitations is no more "correct protocol" than just writing to everyone you know and telling them to fork over some dough. You wouldn't dream of doing that any other time -- it's no more acceptable at your wedding. NancyLouise is 100% right. Gifts are not required, even though of course most of your guests will send them. But you can't proactively TELL them to get you something, and what to get. The most you can do is to register at one or more stores (if you want), and let your immediate family and -- maybe -- your attendants know your preferences. Period. They should not distribute info or announce preferences to the guests in any way, any more than you should, unless someone specifically asks. If people want to know if/where you are registered or what you would prefer, they know to ask family and bridal party. But all this doesn't mean that doesn't mean that you can't achieve your goal. You just have to do it politely. If you hope for cash instead of "thing" gifts, just don't register much or anything -- sometimes this seems to give people the hint. Or register only at a major store you use frequently where you can return items for store credit for everyday things you will be buying anyway -- that's almost as good as cash. E.g., Meier's sells groceries, so if you registered there, you could return items for store credit and just use the credit for your usual grocery shopping. Finally, don't be so sure that you don't want "thing" gifts. Those are the ones that you will still treasure, and that will remind you of the people who loved you enough to give them to you, long after the honeymoon is just one trip among many that I hope you both will share. Congratulations!
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gellchom
20 years ago
As usually, I completely agree with Talley Sue. You are planning to give your friends a lovely party in their honor. It is of no moment that the guests were not invited to the wedding (as you correctly sensed would be wrong with a shower, although frankly I think you could get away with even that for someone who eloped or something, but anyway, that's not your issue). Don't worry about the gifts issue. Anyone who wants to give them a gift can do so, but that's not your problem or concern (obviously, don't make any mention of gifts, and certainly no registry info). Your party can be as casual or fancy as you feel like doing -- YOU are the hosts. I think your friends are very lucky!
sep2897
Original Author
20 years ago
you guys are great! thank you!!!

just some more info, to make sure I'm still in the clear here...double checking! hee hee

there is a reception, also private, immediately following the wedding. This potential post wedding party would be held in the same town as the wedding. So, this is not a elopment, or destination wedding, with this being a congrats party afterwards, as I know is commonly done. I've just never personally run up on this situation, although I know it must happen. I have searched etiquette/wedding forums to no avail.

I just don't want a bunch of insulted guests. It's the groom's hometown, & mine, & none of us wants to commit a etiquette faux pas--would be really poorly regarded in this very manner concious small southern town!

thanks so much! can't tell you how much you're all helping...is this still thumbs up???
gellchom
20 years ago
Yep yep yep. You are lovely friends, giving a party in honor of your friends who got married. You are being careful not to make the slightest suggestion that anyone expects guests to buy gifts, or even any acknowledgement that they might.

Also, don't worry about whether to call it a post-wedding reception or something like that. In fact, if I were doing this, I would just word the invitation something like, "Please come to/You are invited to to/Mary Smith requests the pleasure of your company at [or whatever the formality of the occasion dictates] a party in honor of Cuthbert and Petunia Jones [or Cuthbert Miller and Petunia Jones, if they have different last names, or I guess also if the invitations go out before she changes her name]/date/time/place" You don't even have to mention anything about the wedding on the invitation. I wouldn't. Anyone close enough to invite to the part presumably knows that they are getting married, and that's obviously why you are honoring them. The less you refer to it on the invitation, the less likely anyone will think that the idea is to rustle up some gifts. But it seems to me that anyone as nice as you probably travels in a circle that doesn't assume nastiness, and the invitees' response will be more like, "Oh, isn't that nice of Mary to do that. I'm glad we'll all get to celebrate, even though it's going to be a small wedding. I wish I'd thought of it myself."

I don't see anything wrong with this even if they had had a big wedding. So there! :-)
kwajerica
14 years ago
If a couple has a really small family only wedding, do you think it is ok for the bride's parents to throw a home party for the bride and groom after the honeymoon?
gellchom
14 years ago
Yes, it's fine. But as they are the parents of the bride, it is even more important that there not be any hint about gifts. Not even a reference to a website that his information about a registry.

Some people will still give the couple gifts. But those are the people who are close enough that they would probably give a wedding gift even if they weren't invited to anything.

You didn't say it was a possibility, but I would be sure to avoid calling it a "reception" or anything else that might be confusing. Just "a party in honor of Petunia and Cuthbert."

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