tough one, after 5 years of marriage, i still feel like im competing with "his" kids and defending "mine". he says he doesnt care about your feelings? i would have a huge problem with that. best of luck.

anette

I am in a similar situation. My husband and I live with my son (13)from a previous marriage. My husband has two daughters (12 and 15)who come over every other weekend. They live just two miles from us. Our marriage has fallen apart because his daughters are his priority. He puts absolutely no work into our marriage. In fact, I feel he was putting on an act and never really loved me. I believe that when we got married 6 years ago, he had a plan to have me take the place of their mother in their lives and move them in with us but since that has not happened, he hates me and blames it all on me. He finally told me last week that he wants a divorce because I failed to have a close relationship with his daughters. He blames me because they enjoy living with their mother and lately they have not wanted to come over every other weekend. My husband says our house doesn't feel like home to them because of me. Why can't he understand that they just happen to really love their mother? Let me say that I have always been extremely kind to them. In fact, I asked them why they wanted to stay at home sometimes and they said they like being at home in their own bedrooms and spending the weekend with their mother. They told me that it had nothing to do with me.

My husband does everything he can to make them want to be here. He allows one daughter to have her friend spend the night on evenings when I don't feel like having company in the home. He has no regard for my feelings when it comes to them. We later found out that the friend wanted to spend the night all the time because she had a crush on my son. Imagine that...settling for conflict in you marriage and putting your daughter and her friends first before your spouse.

His daughters don't do chores here although my son cleans up the kitchen, takes out the garbage, etc. My husband doesn't let me tell them what to do. Once when I told the youngest daughter to brush her teeth. She said she doesn't brush her teeth until after she has eaten breakfast. (Breakfast was nowhere near being ready.) I told her to go upstairs and brush her teeth anyway and my husband jumped in and told her she didn't have to. They can play video games from 12 in the afternoon until 12 at night. Once when I told them to stop playing, he told them to put the video game back on.

Once when I went out of town about 2 years ago, something told me he would let the girls sleep in our bed with him. When I called, they were all in our bedroom watching TV so I promptly told him I didn't want them sleeping in our bed. He said he wouldn't. When I arrived home on Sunday, the youngest daughter greeted me with a huge grin at the door and the first thing she said was, "Dad let us sleep in your bed."

When I complain about them sitting around all day dirtying dishes, he cleans up after them rather than having them do it. The girls sit around in their pajamas all weekend if they don't go out anywhere with their Dad even though early on in the relationship we said all kids had to get dressed when they got up in the morning. When the girls come over, he completely ignores me. He only buys groceries when the girls come over. He sits with the girls watching TV downstairs until way after I've fallen asleep alone in our bedroom. He goes to the mall and the movies with them, something he rarely does with me. Sometimes when they leave on Sunday, the kitchen is a wreck. They leave and don't even say good-bye. I've mentioned this to him and he does nothing about it week after week.

My husband is angry all the time now. He comes home from work, doesn't speak and goes to a different part of the house. He has become rude and verbally abusive to me for no reason at all. Even his daughter told me that he is only happy when he is with them. She even had the nerve to suggest that I break up with him. Her hope has always been that her mom and dad would get back together.

I knew I was in trouble about a month after we got married and he was sitting on the couch crying. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me that I didn't understand what it was like not to have my child living in the same house with me. I guess he is hurt because that is something he really wants but I'm hurt too. He says I failed to realize that I married a man with two daughters. I think he failed to realize that he is married to me and not his daughers. My commitment is to him and our relationship and not to getting his daughters to like me more than their own mother.

I suggested counseling but he doesn't want to go. I guess he knows a counselor will tell him that his actions are so wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up back with their mother. I think he would be happy then.

Hi deceived...I feel for you and totally understand...my husband got his kids via social services taking them from his ex so I think he figures he needs to do this and that to keep them happy and so they don't want to live at the rich grandparents and is doting...we used to argue about how he made me feel doting on the girls and forgetting that I and my children were there...now that they live with us it is a constant fight. All the kids do chores per sey but he is much less rigid with his own...he was so rigid with my eldest son that he went to live with his dad...now when I point out that his daughter left her bag in the same spot for a week and my son would be reprimanded every night his comment is that he learned from that not to be so rigid..yet still is with my youngest son...I am tired of hearing...my girls would never do that...I used to hear that when they came every other weekend and i said you have no idea if they do that or not cause you aren't raising them...now when they do act up or hit one another..like ALL kids do...he says well they don't do it to the degree yours do...it is always a comparision and it is hurtful...what hurts the most though is not being the priority..there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my children but a marriage should be top priority and is for the good of the children as well as they are learning about relationships from US...so to forsake the relationship and put all our energy in the kids is simply wrong...is it only men who do this I wonder? I think we as women balance the kids, work and a relationship quite well...in my home I feel my husband can't do that...he focuses so much on work he forgets the dr. appt. etc...and he focuses on the kids, he can't pay attention to me and says I am being selfish..I just want the husband I married!

Of course not all step-parent families are dysfunctional.

It seems to me that these husbands have something in common that has to do with some grave insecurities. When a kids life has been made miserable by the adults around them--the adults sometimes will end up feeling very bad about the misery and bend over backwards to make it up to their kids.

However, not providing structure in the form of keeping certain standards (consideration for others is just one example) and discipline--the children will be shortchanged with lasting ramifications.

These dads are certainly not being considerate--and their children will not reward THEM with consideration when all is said and done.

Callmerae,
Maybe you'll read this reply. You seemed to be feeling more positive on May 19th when you were answering 'trying' on the 'baggage'post.

Just want to add something...us folks say some hurtful things when we get to feeling defensive. What seems to be so common with stepparents is this thing about not feeling they are number one. Something I learned years ago is this...if you ask yourself the question--who am I most important to...the answer will be, 'I am'. You are important to you, even if you are not important to anyone else. You may be important to your kids and stepkids and your husband--but you may not be validated. You must feel validated in your own mind. If you need validation from others--that's where the trouble starts, and when you start to find fault or give advise about it all, it just stirs up defensive kind of responses--hurtful responses, acting out, etc.

brass tacks,

Reading your response to #1 makes me feel that you have no sense of what marriage is. Marriage is the joining of two people. Without appreciation, time, kindness, love, affirmation and a genuine feeling that the other person has your best interests at heart - the marriage will fail. We can all LIVE ALONE and be our most important person. You don't have to be married to do that. If you want to be happily married, in my opinion, the othe spouse better know, very deep down in their heart, that you are the most important person in their heart. Then and onlly then will you be willing to give ALL of you to them and their kids.

Real life is not a walk through a rose garden. Lots of people are having to deal with the results of impetuous decisions, lacking any analytical insight, etc., etc.

For some, being able to get a positive response from someone they're attracted to is all some folks need to sentence themselves to a real hell with little chance of a reprieve.

I know what you mean about defending yourself and your family against his....been there ..done that. I still have to fight for 'our' family. My hubby and i have discussed and keep an open communication that agree that our marriage come first. Above his kids and above our little one. Because without US..there can be no family. WE do not let any kids run our lives. We are very adimant about that. But he does sway from time to time because of guilt. When our son was born 9 months ago, we had alot of fights. And i mean , ihad to put my foot down. He would wait till the weekend his kids came to visit so we can all do things together. It burned my BUTT because what will happen in the futur when our son is 5 or 6 (his kids are now 11 girl and 8 year old son) or even younger and he sees we do nothing with him until his brother and sister come. I fought with my husband for 7 months on this. And i wouldn't let down. I told him..its not fair for our son to wait on your ex wifes schedual. This is OUR new family and i will not stand for my son to wait and wait. We will plan things with or without your kids. If your kids happen to be here when it happens...fine..if not....we still go ahead with our plans. WIthout guilt! I still have to fight to do things. But i do this for the sake of my son. And i've also spoken with his kids because they would ask what we do on the weekends and so forth when they are not around. I explained to them, there will be things we will do together and other stuff we wont. I told them, we dont go on vacation with their mother when they went to walt disney? or P.E.I. They will adjust.
But i do feel bad that your marriage doesn't get time. Its not right for him to put his girls the number one priority. The marriage must come first. I remember my hubby once said he doesnt' want to choose between me and his daughter. I told him i never asked him to choose. Those are his feelings of guilt. And its not right for his daughter to whine about something until he breaks down and gives it to her either.
Over time he is getting better. But i have to admit, its so tiring being on guard. Always having to defend for my right to have our family.
I know this is long...sorry. thank God for this site.
On a side note: what made me really bitter after my son was born was the fact that he wasn't going to the lawyers to reduce child support. I have to fight with him to do it. I understand phsychologically he doesn't want to go through the feelings of divorce and what happen to him. Losing his house, car and everything. BUT it wasn't fair that i was taking the entire financial burden of my newborn on 55% of my salary. Yes he has a responsibility to his children to pay for child support. I'm not disputing that. THey need that money those kids. But my son also needs a bit of his money too and i think its only fair to split it among the three now. He started procedures and his ex is in an uproar!! But she is total waste case! I'm angry my husband refuses to take custody of his kids. His ex smoke pot and drinks and her new common law hubby is very crooked as well. My SD hates her stepdad beyond belief along with his son and wants them out of her mothers house.
My husbands loves his kids but wont have them full time at all. He gets stressed alot etc..etc..andi'm thinking....wait a minute...then why did he marry me and have another child?? He loves me alot...i just sometimes wonder why he doesn't want his kids full time. Maybe its best...cause he doens't help me that much with our son either. ANy advice?