Sorry to hear about your drama! That sounds miserable! Is there any kind of court ordered visitation schedule?

"always pawning her daughter at your house on the weekend". Hmmm What does that suppose to mean? Isn't it her dad and shouldn't his house be hers as well? where does it say that kids have to be with moms all the time and dads get to decide when they are available. doesn't your DH want to have his DD as much as possible? They were two of them making a baby and yet they are not suppose to be two of them raising that baby? She does sound rude, but maybe she wants dad to be more involved because she is so upset her X does not want to deal with the kid that much! what is wrong with kids going to dads every weekend? how is that distrubing? if visitation schedule is not followed and is not productive then you should address it in court but I don't understand why kids don't suppose to be with dads as much as with moms.

It's not just her kid. It is your husbands kid as well.

I can understand the frustration if someone is not consistent with times and is trying to control the situation, but from your post it sounds if SD is considered an inconvience by all. It doesn't really matter how long DH dated Mom, SD is still his kid.

I hardly find it appropriate to need someone else to take care of your child every other day and every weekend. When is this mother spending time with her child?

I see no problem with the dad spending each weekend with his child. I think that is wonderful for him. Though as a mom I would dislike that arrangememt. The weekdays are filled with school and homework and the weekends are when there is more time to relax and have fun. I would not want to miss out on each weekend with my child.

I think the real issue here is that when something conflicts the bm gets mad and is not flexible. Also it seems that the bm wants pick ups and drop offs centered around her and her schedule. VERY SELFISH! And what mom does not want to spend mothers day with her child?? Well besides my sd's bm!

I think that dh needs to stand up to bm and just say when things are not working for him and they will need to begin comprimising.

He told her 2 days ago he couldnt take the child for this wekeend? I understand that emergencies come up, but that really isnt optimal. I can understand why she was upset. Maybe she is, maybe she isnt the best mom, but DH is still the dad. As to her "pawning' the child off at friends, I dont know if that means the child wants to play with other children there, or mom is just taking her there. In any event, Dads option is to discuss with mom whether child could stay with him instead of friends. Unless he is willing to do so, then I dont think his complaints (if he is complaining about the staying with friends) are valid. It sounds to me that every time visitation is shortened, mom complains. SM has to accept visition.

helpwiththis, DH asked me what I wanted for Mothers Day and I said I wanted the whole damn day off! So he and the girls made breakfast for me and then went out for the day.

To me mothers day has been all about being a mother. I have never spent a mothers day without my dd! I am all for relaxing that day too though. I rarely have cooked or done household chores on mothers day.

If her father has regular parenting time on the weekends with his daughter, he can't just "tell" his exGF that he is not going to allow her to be with him that weekend, anymore than I can "tell" my exH that he has to take the kids if I feel like going away. He can, and should, ask.

Mother's day has always been a day to spend with kids and have fun, not cook, clean or worry about 'responsibilities' but to spend the day having fun. A picnic at the park or lake, shopping, having lunch, just hanging out and relaxing with my kids. Can't imagine it any other way.

I was shocked when my DH told me BM had never spent a Mother's day with her daughter until last year. The only reson she did that last year was because they had just gotten into a custody battle and her lawyer said she should. She got her this year because it was on her regular weekend (but it's also in he order for her to have it). Her mom also declined to have her on her birthday. Just shows not all moms are created equal or care about the same things.

theotherside:
"If her father has regular parenting time on the weekends with his daughter, he can't just "tell" his exGF that he is not going to allow her to be with him that weekend"

I guess you should tell this to my SD's mom when she cancels her weekend to go coach her BF's kids and doesn't feel like coming to get her daughter (for whatever reason). She apparently didn't get your memo.

In the order, is it shared parenting time or is it merely visitation? If parents have 50/50, or 60/40, or whatever, shared parenting, then the parent is responsible for caring for the child during his or her time (although right of first refusal often comes into play). If one parent has primary physical custody and the other just has visitation, then the NCP can cancel whenever he wants - according to my lawyer, it is a right, not a requirement. Of course, if they cancel very, very frequently, it is possible that you could go to court and the judge might reduce the visitation.

Not everyone makes such a big deal out of Mother's Day. I've rarely done anything special, beyond my kids wishing me Happy Mother's Day, and maybe making me breakfast (which they do a lot anyway - my youngest has for quite awhile enjoyed "making breakfast," even if it is just a bowl of cereal), and occasionally giving me something they made by hand. A handmade gift or card is very special.

Gee, and I thought I was being gracious when I allowed X to take DD to dinner on Mothers Day, as his mother is the only one who lives near us -- and she wanted to see her grandchild for dinner.

Ima, as TOS and I have both complained, there is virtually no way to force a NCP to have time with a child.

Just becuase OP's stepchild's mother may not be a great parent, it does not in any way mean he should be irresponsible.

Why is a father's weekend "shared parenting time" and a mom's weekend "visitation". They are the SAME THING. Shared parenting time is the new, politically correct way of saying visitation. What a double standard for you to say that one is "obligated" to take their child and one can cancel theirs whenever they want. How ridiculous!

kkny,
what TOS just got done saying is that OP's BF can't just cancel his 'parenting time' but my SD's BM has every right to cancel hers, because she wants to call it 'visitation'. It's time with their child and it appears that OP's BF sees his child on weekends, OP didn't specify if he has shared parenting 50/50 but says that the mom 'pawns' the child off on other people, which I would assume mom has full custody and dad sees the child whenever mom decides he can. That doesn't sound like a parenting plan set in stone.

If you and TOS know you can't make the other parent have time with a child, then why don't you point that out to TOS when she said "he can't just "tell" his exGF that he is not going to allow her to be with him that weekend". Isn't that 'forcing' him to see his child?

actually, it was a "reminder" call to his ex to remind her that he was gonna be out of town. She knew 2 weeks ago. And she is not able to reason with. It has always been her way or no way. She was mad because she doesnt like to have any of her 4 kids on the weekend. And when she has them, for any reason, she sends them away. She gets irate when anything comes up at our house and cant take sd. I love my sd dearly and would never put her out of our home. But sometimes thing and situations come up. It doesnt give the bm a right to harass me, threaten us and disrespect me in front of her daughter. I am just fed up.

I just thought id comment on the mothers day thing.
you should just spend it doin what you want.
personally im with gigglemonster.
I think thers nothing nicer than the hubby taking the kids out for the day,leaving me in peace.
I spend all my time with them everyday doing things with them and going places,so going out somewhere special with them just for mothers day would be nothing out the ordinary,so for me doing absolutely nothing in peace and quiet would be a real treat,afterall it is supposed to be a day of rest.

It sounded to me like his daughter regularly spent weekends with her father. It sounds like shared parenting to me. It is not the same thing as visitation. It depends on what the custody agreement says. If the agreement says that the mother has primary physical custody and the father has visitation, then he is unfortunately free to not exercise it, not that that is good for the child. If, on the other hand, it is a shared parenting agreement, where they have sixty/forty or something, he can not refuse.

if he has weekends and my SD's mom has weekends, I don't see a difference. You are trying to argue semantics on the difference of a weekend being shared custody or visitation. They are the same if they are just weekends. My SD's mom has shared parenting 80/20. DH has 80. BM has 20. and it's not good for the child when parents cancel, but sometimes there are good reasons, like being out of town. Other times there is no good reason, like spending time with the new BF's kids instead of your own.

Btw, BM used to have 50/50 and would call DH all the time and have him take their daughter a few days early, mostly on weekends, either because she was annoyed with her daughter's behavior because she is so inconsistent with her that the daughter acts up and mom decides she can't handle it anymore or because her mom would want to go out and party on the weekend and grandma refused to babysit SD, even though she didn't mind babysitting the older sister. There was favoritism going on there, but that's a different issue. Point is, BM would pawn off daughter when daughter's behavior overwhelmed or annoyed her, when SD acted up with dad, he dealt with it and was consistent. Her behavior with us is mostly good. He's never told BM 'come get your daughter, I can't handle her'.

I understood what you said about pawning off. You mean, instead of taking care of the child she expects everyone else to do it for her ( and most likly take the credit for it) like most do to day.

As for her TXTing you. It is against the law. She is harrasing you. You can go to the court house and file papers for harrasment. She wont go to jail but she will not be able to contact you. If she does then she can go to jail.

Untill you describe the custody deal no one will really understand or can give advice.

I think someone finally understands. thank you loridarlin! I never meant pawning off to be a bad thing, we have sd every weekend and every school holiday break, etc. for the past 6 years. But what I meant was, when things dont go the moms way, we all have hell to pay. I also have a daughter from a prev. relationship and I just dont do that. The mom wants the kids, but doesnt want the responsibilities that go w/ it. Never takes her to the dr. even though she has chronic uti's. Has never been to the dentist and is going into 4th grade. Just moved her to her 5th school. I mean, come on. I dont have any sympathy for this mom. my sd yes, mom, no. She even asked us to take custody many times, and then backed out on the deal each time.Fed up. How do you deal w/ an irrational ex? It cant always just go one way!

You know, I will just never understand some things. It is unfortunate that SD's mother is like this. But if Dad knows that Mom has not taken her to the dentist or has chronic uti's, then he is every bit as responsible for taking care of SD's health. Scratch that, even if he doesn't know he is still responsible for making sure SD is getting medical attention. It is pathetic, imo, to complain that SD has these problems that BM hasn't taken care of because these problems are something that Dad can take care of as well.

The person hurting the most in this situation is SD. DH has a lot more control in this situation then what you are implying. Take her to court! Take SD to the doctor! Document all of this behavior.

While I get what you are saying, BM won't win any mother of the year awards, it sounds like Dad won't win any dad of the year awards either.

No, it's not easy and I'm sure as frustrating as all get out.

Ok, well I guess I should have mentioned we do take her to the dr. My husband just took her the dr. 3 weeks ago when her mom dropped her off here w/ strep throat. So we do take sd to dr. And dad is a great dad, doing the best in a country where the sympathy almost always goes w/the mom and the dad is portrayed to be a loser. we've taken her to court too many times to count and many times we've gotten things changed for the better. And have you ever tried to prove to court that a mom is neglectful? not too easy. I think Dad could win a Dad Award in this case. I guess no one will ever understand this situation unless you've lived it.

I understand the situation, but I don't understand the rationale for a lot of it.

I think it was Serenity here that stated that the source of conflict is not one-sided, if so there wouldn't be any. I agree with that.

Granted, there are difficult people in all walks of life but to complain about BM not taking care of her child the way ~you~ deem fit, but then DH is not taking the child on his parenting/visitation time but then complaining about BM's reaction to DH not taking the time......ay-yay-yay...

I understand what you're going through. Unfortunately, you are right and the courts can favor mothers, but I think that is changing. (slowly). My husband got custody because when BM gave him his daughter because she moved with her boyfriend, I insisted on getting it in writing. They had just finished a custody trial three weeks before she moved and they were given an order of 50/50. Then she met a new BF and moved 150 miles away. There was no way I was going to take on full custody without a written agreement of what the actual arrangement was. She's a pathological liar and I could see her telling DH that SD could live here with us (where she had to change schools) and if she got mad at him, she could lie and say they had some other arrangement, like now she is upset with him and wants her daughter to move with her. Without the written agreement, she could say they had an arrangement for SD to go here in 3rd grade, there in 4th, and that wasn't the agreement. She's been telling her daughter for months that she's moving her over there and she's never once talked to DH about it. When DH asks her why she's telling SD this, she denies she said it. (her first request to DH to have SD move over there with her, coincided with her receiving a request for child support modification)

But, I know exactly what you mean when they don't want the responsibility but they want all the 'glory'. She won't take her daughter to the doctor because she will have to pay the co-pay. (they are supposed to split the co-pay 50/50) She won't reimburse DH when he takes her. When she needs clothes, she either tells DH that he has some of her clothes here or tells him he needs to go shopping for her. She gets mad if I take her shopping, so I don't know if it's a jealousy thing with me or if she wants to 'make' DH do it himself. I have a DD so I take the girls shopping. Then BM tells me "you're not her mom, I am".

So, I get the type and she is always looking for something to start a fight over. When she can't get DH to fight with her, she tries to egg me on. My stepmom (a marriage & family therapist) used to tell me "kill 'em with kindness". When she calls you a B*tch, don't react. Stay calm. Ignore it. When you leave, smile kindly and say 'have a nice day'. If you react, even by making a face or your body language, she's done what she set out to do, she got a reaction and she will continue to 'harass' you. My DH's exGF used go though DH to tell me things (complaints about what I was doing wrong) and one day, I took her daughter to her on DH's week because she wanted her to test for a taekwondo belt. It wasn't a regular taekwondo day and required me to make a special trip (one hour each way). As soon as I got there, her daughter ran up to her and she was the ponytails I put in SD's hair. She looked at me and yanked the ponytails out. SD turned around and looked at me and had a scared look on her face. She had asked me to put her hair that way and was excited to show her mom because she said she looked like Angelica from Rug Rats. Her mom took her inside and I went to a room where parents can sit and watch. At the beginning of testing, they announced the next week classes were canceled because they were going to be out of town. I got up twice to go outside because my phone rang (I am self employed so I get calls wherever I am) and I didn't want to disturb the other parents. When the testing was over, DH got there (he had just gotten off work & came over) and BM decides this is the time to get in my face. She told me to bring her daughter to TKD next week and I said classes were canceled. She started yelling at me that if I didn't get up in the middle of testing, I would have heard them announce that they made a mistake and they ARE having classes. She yelled at me and yelled across the room to an instructor to have him tell me that yes, they are having classes. She did this in front of her daughter and all the other student's & parents there. Then turned back at me and snapped, "well, are you going to bring her?" My DH sent me and SD outside and told BM that he would have to see if SD got her homework done. I think that was the first time BM tried to 'bully' me and see what my reaction would be. She probably felt safe doing that on 'her turf' and had all her friends there since she was a student there too and was dating one (or more) of the instructors. But, I stayed calm and didn't react. I didn't back down but I didn't get aggressive either. It was tough, I wanted to knock her to the ground. She's about a foot taller than I am but I showed her I'm not afraid of her. Of course, that was the last time I took her daughter to TKD on DH's week. We put her in karate classes near our home and BM threw an even bigger fit. (with DH of course)

The other incident that she tried to get me to 'fight' with her was in her house when we were picking up SD. She started accusing me of abusing her daughter. The only thing I told her was if she thought her daughter was abused, she should call CPS or the police. When I told DH "let's just go", she told me to shut my mouth. I admit I reacted and told her to 'make me'. I shouldn't have said that, because now as she tells it that I was the one that tried to get her to fight me. I don't know what her problem is, she has told DH that I'm tough and that I can kick her ass. I don't know why she would even talk like that, I've never acted 'tough' or 'threatened' her in any way. I would never fight anyone but I guess I would defend myself if someone attacked me. I guess she is trying to size me up to see if she can take me. It's all very immature. She's also tried to start fights with her BF's ex-wife.

I guess my point is that you have to rise above it. Your husband should get a written custody order if he doesn't have one already. There should be some sort of clause that says what happens if he cancels or can't be there (sick, out of town, etc.). I've seen where they have to give a certain amount of advance notice or sometimes, they even have to pay the CP (likely for childcare so they can work) but he should stick to his agreement and document all she does. and if her harassment is extensive, you might seek an order to stop her. But, then again, it's giving in to her drama to go to court with you. She may just be the type that loves drama so going to court with you is exciting to her. You really want to take all the fun out of it for her so she gets bored with you and finds something else to focus her energy on.

hardly appropriate? this is not the case of someone else taking care of a child. This is the case of two parents raising a child. show me where it says that fathers should not be RAISING children together with mothers. even if they live in different households, both parents raise children. not moms raise them and sometimes dare to ask dads to contribute. unbelivable!

why isn't dad taking her to a dentist? was he there when she was conceieved and is he on a birth certficate? then why does she have to do things and he doesn't. And i agree with others. If mom is not a good parent, then it does not mean that dad shouldn't. it sounds to me like they are both not very good parents, so they both need some improvement. and in the meanwhile children suffer...

THankyouimamommy for your advice. I agree, give into drama and she gets what she wants. I am moving on past this, I hope. I want things to be smooth w/her, but it is nearly impossible. I bought her daughter school clothes, she gave them away!!! I took her shopping for school supplies, she called and said how stupid I was for getting the wrong NOTEBOOK! So for everyone saying bf is no good, you are wrong. They were never married, all he has is court ordered visitation and we do the best w/what we can get.But I have chosen not to react to her and not to give in to the drama that she chooses to thrive on.

What does not being married have anything at all to do with his responsibility to take care of his child?

Married or not, he still has to take care of his child. But its obvious that marriage is an important key point for atmywitsendmomm. Some people are very against people who have kids out of wedlock. That's all. Also by law, when someone is married and has kids, they're is more power.
BUt , ignore biomom tactics and do your best for this child. And for dad, cancelling out is a BIG disappointment for his daughter. I've seen it with my sd. I always urge my DH that when he cancels he has to trade time somewhere else. Its only fair and cause he has hurt her feelings. I know things happen..with work..or like my birth ( he had to cancel taking them cause they did an emerg c-section.) he stayed with me during the surgery. He offered to take them the next day but biomom was pist off and said ' your father never stayed with me in the hospital!' Reality, she neverhad a c-section and she never stayed more than 12 hours. He was there for the birth. He went home ot eat something and then came back to find that they were preparing to release her fromthe hospital cause she was in top shape! Not the same situation i was in. i was in for 8 days! ARRRRR....really bad beds there! The food wastn great either!
I understand what you meant by pawning too! My husbands ex did that with her kids on her weekends. She would drop them off at the grandparents house to go PARTY! not saying a mom can't relax..but every darn weekend? She couldnt have partied every second weekend when we had the kids to get her rocks off but noooooo..she had to party all the time.
Well , she's toned down quite a bit now adays. Still complains about Dh and me ot her kids . SD gets out of th ehouse as fast as possible casue she doesnt' want to hear it anymore and poor SS tries to escape now as well.
Its like dealing with a person 'b*tching all the time...after a while you jus tdo not want to hang around this individual.
Well , atmywitsendmom Tell your Dh to keep a constant schedual for everyones sake. I told that to my dh. Stop cancelling, stop swapping. Keep to a schedual liek a rock! and only change it for emergencies. Its been almost 2 years like this and its great. And the kids like it too.

Then, don't marry someone who had a kid out of wedlock! It's crazy to keep bringing it up, cause somehow I don't really see how that matters that Dad still has to provide basic requirements for his child. You can't be against BM for that reason, but not against Dad for the exact same reason. Silly.

In any case, BM doesn't need to expect just crumbs from Dad because they weren't married.

so the fact that your BF never married mother of his child, excuses him for not doing his job as a father? ha, how convenient, make babies out of wedlock and then does not want to be involved because he never married the mother? what a catch. so it is OK to sleep with a woman not being married and is OK to get her pregnant, but is not OK to be taking care of his children? nice....

if OP is that against having children out of wedlock, then it is rather ridicilous to marry a man who makes babies out of wedlock. And then OP uses it against his X! Like it is all her fault they were never married. Double standard. and it is definitelly not a child's fault dad chooses to get involved but not married.

Umm... just a side note but the only thing I took from they were never married was just a piece of information to try and see more of the puzzle. Having never been married does give the BM (generally speaking) much more power than the BD. I am not sure that she was implying anything else with that... but that is just me... only OP knows what she meant by that...

The difference between parents that were married and those that were not:

Married: Had a committed relationship and in most cases, the children were PLANNED. They more likely CHOSE to have a child with their spouse. They are more likely to have discussed having their children and how they were going to raise their children BEFORE the children arrived. They have always seen themselves as a FAMILY, before and after having kids.

Unmarried: The pregnancy was most likely UNPLANNED. One may have CHOSE to get pregnant without telling the other, with hopes that it would turn into a 'married' and 'family' situation. They may not have ever discussed how they would raise children together (before the pregnancy) and they may never have considered 'spending the rest of their life' with the other person (at least one didn't). They most likely saw themselves as a couple but not as a 'family'. They had no committed relationship, even if they felt 'committed' to the relationship 'at the time'.

I could be wrong, but I don't think that OP is saying that he's any less responsible because they were never married. I think when they were never married, they may have more difficulty agreeing on how to raise a child because they may never have had that 'family' structure that married couples had. Married couples usually get married because they have similar values, ideas or goals and they are prepared (or think so at the time they marry) to deal with each other long term (til death do they part) where unmarried couples don't have that. OP's DH's exGF (BM) may just hate OP because DH married her when BM may have once thought that he would marry her and THEY would be a FAMILY. Now she sees OP in the FAMILY that is supposed to be hers. She has decided to make it as difficult as she can for them and the one that will suffer for it, is her child. The child is stuck in the middle.

OP, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that is what you are saying about them not ever being married. My DH wasn't married to his daughter's mom. I'm sure that has a little to do with the way she is toward me. She was fixated on our wedding... she wanted to be there, then she wanted pictures and a copy of the video. She also wanted to know how much DH spent on our rings. When she came into our house, she stared at the portrait on the wall and talked rudely to me. (of course she may have talked rudely if the portrait hadn't been there, I can't say for sure) I know an ex wife can also resent that an ex husband has remarried and the new wife has taken her place, but for a woman that was never the wife, she may feel she never got that 'status' and she's going to hang onto her status as 'mother of HIS child' for dear life. She deserves the status as the mother of the child, but it probably pisses her off that she doesn't have a higher status where HE's concerned. Of course, that's just my humble opinion and nobody has to agree with it. My SD's mom has tried to 'show' me that she has a 'bond' with my husband that really isn't there. They had an unplanned pregnancy and he never wanted to marry her. While he was contemplating their break up, she announces she's pregnant and starts telling people that they are getting married (she even bought her own ring on QVC) and he had no desire to spend his life with her. (and that comes from sources besides my husband, like his parents and friends) and I think that she managed to sabotage every relationship he's had since her, except me. They managed to 'stay friends' with each other and when we first got together, I thought it was great that they got along so well, NO DRAMA! Her & I got along fairly well, she was very nice to me. Then, we broke up one time for about a month and she started planning things for them to do together with their daughter. When we got back together, THAT was when she started to have a problem with me. She was nice as can be before. Then he proposed to me and all hell broke loose. It's been down hill since. As I write this, I am thinking back to when she was 'nice' to me and it was probably part of how she successfully sabotaged all his other relationships. The difference with me, I didn't care that they got along. I am not insecure or jealous of her because they have a child together or how great they got along. I wanted a guy that is a great dad and has no problems with his ex, so I thought it was wonderful that they got along great. It's a disappointment that she was pretending to be nice and get along with him and now that he's happily married, she is going to do whatever she can to make it hard for all of us, including her daughter.

OP finds multiple reason why SD' father should not be as involved as SD's mother. It does not matter if she uses marriage as an excuse or not, in any case there are two parents and two parents need to be involved. and chidlren are not an inconvenience. and if one parent is no good the other one should step up instead of backing off even more. dentist story is a good proof. and I am glad my DD's dad never married anyone who wants DD to stay away. ha

"exgirlfriend drama"

"He has a 9year old daughter from a 9month relationship 9 years ago."

"So for everyone saying bf is no good, you are wrong. They were never married, all he has is court ordered visitation and we do the best w/what we can get" Who's bf? And apparently, Dad doesn't if he can't keep things from coming up on his weekend. Things DO happen in day to day life and even in married life, but you can't send your children away because things come up. In the scheme of things, I don't see where it matters -- but the fact the OP is bashing BM for not doing things to OP's liking but Dad is very obviously (and OP admitting, but has "excuses as to why he doesn't have to) not doing the exact same things that is making BM is so horrible of a mother, pshaw!

To me these sound like excuses as to why DAD doesn't fall under the OP's same microscope for not doing the exact same thing that BM doesn't do. Additionally, just for the thread title "exgirlfriend drama", come on.

I think everyone understands the difference between children born in a marriage and ones born without the benefit of their parents marriage. IMO, we see who the real parents are when this happens.

unrelated to this thread..but it explains a lot about BM and you having such bad realtionship. i wonder if when you broke up with DH, he and BM spent more time together and she probably hoped for their reconsiliation, she had an illusion (maybe false illusion or maybe not) of them being together again, then when he got together with you and she felt abandoned again. that's where the anger comes from...it is not unknown when men go back to mothers of their children, it could be she hoped for that. and she felt her hopes were ruined because you reconciled with DH.

finedreams

They broke up five years before I met him. She had a long distance boyfriend (she was seeing the entire five years) that came to visit her and she was still seeing the long distance boyfriend when we were broken up. I don't think DH ever felt like he was spending time with her, he was there for his daughter. I think if she felt that way, it was one sided. He thought she was happy with her boyfriend. It was also coincidental that she dumped the boyfriend just after we got married. The boyfriend told my DH that he was about to propose to her but she wanted nothing to do with him. In the back of my mind, again I could be wrong, I thought that she kept the long distance boyfriend around, hoping he'd make DH jealous.

Just last November, she called my DH at work to tell him that she's getting married to new BF in December. It's May and they still aren't married. When I talked to her new BF's exwife, she said they were telling her they were getting married in Spring this year. It's almost Summer and no wedding or even talk of wedding. In fact, I think she's still married to first husband still.

I've known that her jealousy of us getting married was part of the problem, but I figured that she was upset because she wanted to have a marriage of her own. When I found out she could have married her long distance guy but dumped him instead, I wondered if if her jealousy has more to do with my DH marrying me and not her. Again, that's just speculation.

I haven't been around this weekend, so I'm going back to first post of this thread, and about "pawning off".
My FDH's 9yo son's BM also "pawns off" a lot. We get frustrated when A__ spends 4 nights a week at other friends' or family member's places. We think that A__'s mom should be taking care of him, and not pawning him off on other people. HOWEVER, we are trying to have him with us more often, encouraging her to drop him at our place instead of with someone else. So, in our opinion, she's a great mom when she wants to wear her mom hat (but sometimes that gets in the way of her party hat, of GF hat, or work hat) and when she brings him to us, it's not pawning her son off, but when she leaves him at her mom's for 4 days straight, it is pawning him off.

ceph, OP specifially said "pawning off at our house". I have never heard anyone saying that spending time with dad is called pawning off. I think that's why people have stereotypes about "evil stepmothers". because of this kind of attitude against your DH's child!

Yeesh FD. Don't jump on me just because I didn't attack Witsend for her phrasing. I was sharing that she isn't the only one who's SK's (or equivalent) BM ditches her kid as much as she possibly can, but that other people (like us) don't think it's pawning off when the kids are with their other parent. Not everyone needs to be attacked all the time, some people just need to hear that they are not alone in their situation, but hear different (and I would be inclined to say better) ways of doing things that can make their situation better. There's more than one way to skin a cat, and I like the less aggressive way.

ceph your words about BM are rather aggressive IMO as OP's words about Bm in her life are unkind IMO. I do not think her leaving a child with her mother or whoever is necesarilly "ditching", "pawning" etc. I do not even think it is your business or OP's business to judge moms not to bring kid over or leave at moms or whoever.

I do prefer less aggressive way, that's why i do not badmouth my X's parenting ways, my SO does not badmouth my X for not being a prefect father to DD, and I certainly know for 100% that my X's SO or exwife did not and would not say such unkind words about me as a mother. And i and my X and our partners stay out of each other parenting styles. I also defend my SO's X's parenting ways. She sucks as exwife but it is not my business to critisize her parenting skills. Maybe that's why there is not much drama in our lives. Pretty boring. But you can go on...

And guess why my X does not give me hard time? And guess why so many of you have so much drama with your X's or your partners' Xs. Less judging and less disaproval of every minor thing would do wonders.

FD- believe it or not, I agree with you to a point. I may not live the same lifestyle as my EX or my DH's EX, and I do not parent the same way, but the little stuff doesn't matter. I do have a hard time accepting BM's use of violence as a means to discipline. It has made my SC mean and aggressive. When their behavior harms my BC, I do feel it is my right to speak up.

in cases of abuse and violence it is our obligation to interfer. no question, if my X or my SO's X would be abusive to kids, i would speak up. I don't condone abuse. but most complains here are not even worth mentioning. like kids staying and grandmas. how is that dad's girlfiend problem? like i cannot imagine my X's SO even talking about if our DD went to grandmas, when and for how much time. why would it even matter to her or to anyone else? his SO is focused on creating a nice relationship with DD, not on what I do in my household on my time.