Well, I don't know if this will help, but my mom had ONE grandchild that she treated better than all the others. I don't think it's fair when someone seems to push all the others aside and focus on one, I don't like favoritism. But, there's nothing you can do about what someone else does. It's very likely that she wants to overcompensate to the other kids because of their circumstances... or she may like girls more than boys. Again, I don't think it's right and you have every right to be upset, but I don't know what you can do about it.

I think it's a shame that he didn't see this second child for six years and now that he's going to, it's going to be a lot tougher than if he had established a relationship with her as she grew up. I also really feel for you because it would be really hard to deal with the aftermath of your husband's irresponsibility.

I don't know what you would be protecting them from if you left. I would be concerned with your son, modeling his father's behavior with having children out there he doesn't even know about. That concerns me a little more than a grandma that favors the girls.

are you sure there will be no more kids reappearing here and there. how many women coukld he get pregnant? hmm

kglass, another way of looking at this. Your son has always had both parents. This child has not and has never been a priority for your husband. Quite sad actually.

It would be nice if everyone had a great and close relationship with their grandparents, but it isn't necessary to one's emotional well-being. Having a parent not show any interest in you, well that is necessary.

I don't know what else to say, but maybe some therapy will help you with your feelings. I can understand your feelings of betrayal, but for some reason I think you are projecting it onto an unfair target. If Grandma only came out once to see the first daughter and hasn't come out since, well I'm assuming she saw son at the same time and has not come out since to either your son or adopted daughter. Not quite a whole show of favoritism there.

Anyway, I hope everything starts looking up for you.

I never meant to imply that the MIL was the reason for my feelings. It is and will always be my husband. Even though he has been a good husband and father, I resent the fact that I and our children must pay for his immature irresponsibilities. I want this daughter to have a good relationship with him, but I do not want to take in another child to raise. I guess I am afraid of what has happened with the first daughter.

I do want my son to become a decent young man that does not make the same mistakes.

I want to be sensible, and may need some counseling. I just feel like running away from this situation.

Your feelings are understandable, kglass. It's hard to see and have clear feelings on a situation for what it is when you are actively thrown into it without a say.

It helps me to talk to an unbiased third party when my emotions are running all into each other, I come out feeling much clearer and focused.

Also, think of it one step as a time. Right now it is just visitation right? As much as she needs her Dad, hopefully her Mom has been terrific and has no intentions of giving DH custody.

I can see why you'd be confused and upset. I mean, even though you knew about the little girl before, it was probably pretty easy to mentally "lump the two together" and feel like you had taken care of the situation long ago when you got custody of the first girl. Not logical at all, I know, but our emotional minds play all sorts of illogical tricks on us. And having to deal with this complication now probably feels like a fresh offense on your husband's part. (I know, she's a child, not a complication -- but from OP's perspective, she's mostly just evidence of Hubby's past irresponsibility.)

It probably WILL be a mess, and counselling might help you deal with it more productively. You certainly have a lot to deal with and sort through.

I have had the same feelings you are having.

My sister (the baby of 3 children) got pregnant at 15 when I (the oldest child) was about 5 or 6 months pregnant. Of course, her baby took the priority because she was young and the child was fatherless. I, however, was an adult and though I wasn't married yet, had been with the baby's father for almost 3 years. Our baby was an unexpected blessing that we were ecstatic about. The father and I even got engaged soon after we found out and were on our way to a happy and functional family life. My sister, on the other hand, had been in problems at school resulting in my mother homeschooling her. She insisted on making friends with the worst influences she could find and thus ended up pregnant at 15. She hadn't even finished her Sophmore high school classes. So I felt really jipped. I felt as though, for the hundred-thousandth time in my life, my sister stole the scene from me. Everyone worried how she would do and if she would graduate high school while I rocked on with my perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy.

The worse was our parents. While they had relatively little planning to do for the arrival of their first grandchild (my son), they had to renovate a room and prepare to be parents all over again foor her. I know it was hard for them and I really respect them so much for how they handled it, but I still felt uncontrollable jealousy.

To make matters worse, my sister was treating her body (and the baby) with little to no respect. She was staying up late, not getting enough rest, not eating healthy foods and eating WAY too much salt. When my son was 4 months old, she wasn't due for another 6 weeks. But she started suffering from toxemia. So, again, everyone rushed to her side since their lives were hanging in the balance. Don't get me wrong, but I WAS just as worried as everyone else and I was there to help in any way I could. But I couldn't help feeling a bit jealous because everyone was rushing to her rescue when it was just assumed that I would handle things and be just fine. The doctor ended up having to take the baby by c-section and she was born perfectly healthy, albeit small.

As the kids got older, the favoritism got more pronounced and moved to the children. My son would get into trouble for anything he or the both of them together did. But my niece never would. My father was especially bad about this. It got to where my niece knew she could get away with murder so she would purposely get my son into trouble.

One day, I got fed up and told my parents (very tactfully) that I felt as though there was distinct favoritism, provided examples and politely asked them to consider what I had said. They did and came to the conclusion that they WERE babying my niece more for 3 reasons: 1. she was MUCH smaller than my son; 2. she was premature and they were afraid to punish her (even though she had never had any complications with her health from being 6 weeks early); and 3. she didn't have a father. I explained to them my view that spoiling one child does not make up for the mistakes of the parents and they agreed. From then on, they took pain-staking measures that both grandchildren were treated equally.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that once I got past my jealousy, I realized exactly why I was feeling that way. I politely confronted the person and brought evidence that could not be refuted. Make sure you are calm and logical when you decide to talk about it with your MIL. But, in my opinion and experience, I believe talking to her would be the best thing. She probably doesn't notice she's doing it. If necessary, have your DH talk to her.

I think Ashley makes a really good point about determining why you feel the way you do. But, the good news - you already know that you don't know why you feel how you do and are on the right track!

I can see how being in touch with the 6yo now would dredge up some old feelings and cause a lot of confusion and I think that's OK. I'm glad you have thought about talking to a counselor about it. Many companies and health insurers offer counseling services for free or reduced costs... Look into if yours does!

Bottom line is that it's OK to have mixed feelings about your SO's children, as long as you think about where they come from and try to deal with them, rather than taking it out on the child and resenting them for it.

Good luck.

I can understand your worry. You've admirably taken one of his children into your relationship as your own, giving you 3 total to care for. This child represents a fourth, with who knows what 'baggage' or complications. I can see how it would be difficult to jump in with both feet.

It seems your husband makes these decisions without regard as to how the might effect you. Have you talked with him about that? He doesn't want to be involved, he wants to be involved . . . of course I think he should have been involved from the get go, but has he sat down with you to talk about what this new involvement will mean? Every other weekend? Shared custody? This affects your whole household, and it seems he owes you all the respect of a little dialog.

As for your MIL - there really isn't much you can do. My MIL has always favored my SD (the 1st g-child) over the others. Partially because she's a girl and MIL has 2 boys, partially because she's the only g-child from divorced parents, partially because her mom's a wack job and she feels sorry for her. It used to REALLY fry me, but I've had to make peace with it. There really isn't much else you can do.

Best of luck to you. Please keep us updated.