I have thought about those things, too.
My step-kids are grown, but my kids are 11 & 13.
They get along great with my husband, but the issue would
be a custody dispute with my ex-, if something happened to me.

My husband wants to raise them if I died. I guess that
means we have been successful as a step-family.
It's just his adult step-children that we have a conflict with.

If you really are concerned about it, you should check your state laws. I know in my state, that if my DH passed, my SS would have to go back to his BM's house. I suppose that if she didn't want the children back, and agreed to you having custody, it would be possible however. Would you want to continue to raise the children? From what I've read, you're doing a great job!

Cawfe,

You probably should discuss this w/ a lawyer at some stage. I know the kids wouldn't want to be w/ BM and Lord knows, she doesn't sound as if she could possibly handle them on a day to day basis. You really are the mom on basically every level so you all ought to make that legal in the event of DH's death, if possible.

Also, the kids are at an age where their say is taken into consideration (at least in FL.) Before you forego CS, maybe speak about her establishing a college fund or savings acct. for the kids in lieu of dealing w/ her on a regular basis....

I often wonder if I'd ever see my steps (assuming this SD does move out someday) if something should happen to DH. In Jan.'06, he was in a life-threatening situation and asked me not to call the kids until we knew more as the girls were in college out of state and the son was MIA. I waited that night and when he pulled through but before we knew the culprit and I was still terrified, I called the girls. Not getting through to the one who lives w/ me now, I didn't leave a message. The next day, I reached her but she had already talked to her sister, wondering, I'm sure, why I called her 4 times in an evening. The sister was very detached and polite but the one who lives w/ me was a mess - sobbing, very grateful for my being w/ him, extremely scared and rightfully so. When the Dr. walked in w/ the CT results, she and I were on the phone again and I didn't like the look on his face so I hung up. It was good news and the look was due to several people being in the ICU room unexpectedly. Anyway, I just thought, for a moment, about raising my 3 sons (then 1, 3, and 5) alone, and then wondered if I really see the steps again. It was sad to think about. I still wonder if I'll see SS. We had been so close, or so I thought, then the slap in the face. I have no idea where he is and had his cousins from out of state try to see if he'd pick up their call to tell him of his father's condition. He screened our calls and never answered - still we pay for the phone, trying to tell where he is, etc.

When DH was sick I was thinking that after all he's put me through when DH passes on, it has to be at my hands - that's a joke, I swear. Times like that make you realize how much you really care. When I spoke to the SD who lives w/ me now from the hospital, I felt a real connection, if only for a moment, and I felt like she was happy to be dealing w/ me vs. her mother. I guess I need to think about those times when I have my moments nowadays.

Dana

In the process of making a will, these questions come up, what will happen to the children if parents die.

So I suggest you make a will and your DH, and put your mind at ease.

I know in the state where we live, if a CP dies and the other BP is still alive, the child automatically goes to live with the surviving BP. 11 years ago, I tried to make a will or leave a note of guardianship for my daughter should I die stating that I wanted my parents to be her primary, physical guardians (her dad would've had visitation as usual). My attorney wouldn't even waste her time or mine and my money doing it because it never would've held up in a court. I am going back to see that attorney today so I plan on asking her about that again, maybe the laws have changed.

I know in our house if DH passed away suddenly, BM would make a big stink that she wants SS back, but it would only be for the survivor benefits. Paternal grandparents would also want sole custody of him and fight the BM for him.

Well I figured in the event of hubby's death the children would automaticially go live with their BM. Unsure if she would let me see them just because she is who she is.
And even if we had a will between us doesn't mean BM has to abide by it. BM doesn't abide by court orders now.
As uncooperative as BM I guess I won't know unless something happens.

I brought this up because apparently BM was home "sick" sunday monday tuesday and wednesday (thursdays is her regular day off) ... BM called hubby a few times to discuss lowering CS again...(I think she gets bored and has no one to talk to so she calls him about CS just for someone to talk to with a topic) and she mentioned how she had called out sick to look for a new job. He said well since you have time off why don't you take the kids .... answer after the night I had with them (sunday) they will be lucky if I take them Thursday!!!! BM picked up the kids @ 6:30pm on Sunday.

Guess I am asking if say hubby was in the hospital for 3 weeks.... would I still be responsible for them? because If I weren't here and he was in the hospital ... they would be with BM correct?

Not sure, Cawfe. I guess the custody is his alone or is it yours jointly? If he was out of commission for an extended period of time, the kids would still be in your hands. I mean, could the BM even arrange to get them to and from school w/o you? Talk to a lawyer to iron it all out and ease both of your minds.

Hubby has physical custody they have shared legal ... Its a jumble for me.

I gave this subject a little more thought on my own.

According to BM, "I can't make any legal or medical decisions regarding the children". So as far as I am concerned if he isn't available to make those decisions. Then they shouldn't be in my care, if he is incapable of caring for them on his own for an extended period of time.

Oh. She sounds like a real piece of work...