My DH has 3 children, 5 years ago he found out his ex was in trouble w/ the law, and told her he wanted to go for custody. Next day her phone was disconnected and they were gone.

His ex recently resurfaced looking for more CS - so now he knows where they are and his attorney says w/her history (which is long and checkered) we should have full custody by this summer. His kids are DD11, DS9, DD7.

I have a DS11 and DS8 that are with us full time. DH and I have been together 1.5 years.

Now - my concerns:

Not only do his kids not know me...they don't know him! He last saw them 5 years ago, so he will be a total stranger to the younger two and I expect even the older will have only some vague memory of him. (His ex remarried and that's the guy I'm sure the kids think is their dad!)

I am FREAKED OUT about becoming a mother of 5. I am perfectly happy with my little life with only two kids and I dread the idea of the work involved with another 3. Plus DH is a fireman and he works 2 days on, 2 days off. So his two days on I will be totally alone with all these kids - and his son is special needs (rare disease w/ongoing medical care). Add to that my DS8 is autistic (very high functioning).

My DH promises "I won't stick you with all their care" and "I'll help with all the household chores and everything" - but these promises are coming from a guy that won't pick up his dirty laundry or put his dishes in the dishwasher now!

And he doesn't know what being a parent is really like - even when they were together, he was military and spent most of his time away. So, no offense to him - but he just doesn't know what it's like to a full time, all the time parent.

He is floating around in a bubble with visions of sugar plums dancing in his head. He thinks this will be one big, happy family - and oh, all the fun we'll have together - and oh, how his not paying $900 a month CS will leave plenty of money to raise these 3 kids and just think of all the money he'll have left over...

This man actually believes his kids will WANT to live with him instead of their mom (No concept that they will love and be loyal to her no matter how screwy she is). I think reality is going to hit my DH hard and fast once the kids arrive.

I am crapping my pants! On the one hand, these kid's mom is a flake and on principle I truly believe them being removed from the home is the best thing. On the other hand, I'm freaked out about having to take them on.

There is no doubt we're in for a lot of counseling - these kids are about to be yanked from the only life they've ever known and put in with virtual strangers. And although we fully expect mom to quickly drop off the face of the earth once she loses the child support that goes along with having them, we have no doubt she will do her best to poison the children against us in the interim.

And even if/when she does go away - I know the kids will always miss her and will then have abandonment issues.

OMG - OMG - OMG. I am actually thinking of divorce. My first husband had a DD4 that I was SM to until she was 12 - and although she was a fantastic, sweet girl - it was even hard to be a SM then (dealing with the ex, trying to keep feelings fair between my SD and my two BS, etc)

So - the idea of getting into a SM relationship again - and especially under these circumstances...sigh...

Please don't tell me "you knew he had kids when you met him". Yes, I did - but with the situation I thought we'd probably never even see them...and even if we did, I figured occasional visitation at most (since they live out of state). I never dreamed that full custody was a possibility.

I feel so guilty for not just feeling like "Oh yes, let's get the kids and welcome them with open arms and I will love them like they're my own and it will all be wonderful." But I can't help the way I truly feel - and I truly feel that I am going to be the one responsible for the majority of the care for children who are not mine and will never appreciate it and will always wish they had their "real" mom back.

Compounded w/my concern that DH will fawn over his bio kids (since he hasn't seen them for so long) and my boys will be hurt/slighted (DH is overall good with them now, but he does tend to run hot and cold)

And yes, DH and I have talked about all these concerns - and he says all the right things - but he's always been pretty good at paying lip service. And again, I think the sugar plums in his head are keeping him from realizing that these might be VALID concerns and REAL issues coming up fast.

Please help me. Please help me. Please help me!