I see things differently than others here First I don't this you are a native English speaker. You may not have put things the way a person who has English as a first language, so I won't take any of the words to heart just the gist of what you are saying. I can't see any mother keeping a room for her older daughter to visit occasionally while her younger daughter does not have a bedroom. This 19 year old is a spoiled brat and her mother made her that way.It seems to me you are part of the problem. Did you try to make friends with this girl when you and her mother got together. Have you ever once stood up to your wife when she's being unreasonable. It seems to me when things get tough you walk away. That is no way to iron out differences. So your wife yells then yell right back at her. Don't use the excuse of the younger children. Living the way they are now is worse than a little yelling. If you want peace you have to stand up to both your wife and this girl. I recognise that you are worried about losing your kids if you do initiate a divorce. A divorce may be in the offing if you do what I'm advising but it won't be initiated by you. I strongly suggest you document everything that goes on once you start standing up to them. Pictures and video don't lie. First clear out all this girls things, don't throw them out or anything. Box them up for storage, or give them to her. Then move your younger daughter in and don't stand any nonsense about it. If your wife leaves then don't allow her back in. If you want to work things out then have her agree to have some counsilling and if you do this then you must go too. Things are never one sided and you share the blame for letting things get to this point.

Thanks for your responses. They helped me express myself in a new way with my husband. I was looking for help in how to put what I feel to my husband, cos I don't believe he understands. It's hard for him as of course he loves his daughter, so he feels caught between us. He does love me that's why we moved away, although I've recently discovered he wouldn't have any problems moving back to the region & thinks I'm exagerating to want to be anywhere but there. SD is possesive cos of their close relationshioip for the first 14 years of her life. He brought SD up on his own after SD's mother died when she was a few months old. Just like with a single mum, a close relationship was formed. SD was also given total freedom & no mention of her behaviour. My husband can't really see much wrong with her behviour. He didn't really notice how she was with me. He would get upset at the time but he also forgets quite quickly. He is also totlaly tolerant of bad behviour in anyone, it's like a philosophy, to allow all & let it correct itself, that it's not for us to stop others, it's a spiritually based approach. I agree with him, but I have trouble when it's affecting me directly & threatens our relationship. Of course we have many things going on in our life & all are good, it's only this one area we come in to conflict. I didn't press charges against SD'd boyfriend as i wasn't injured. my hat went flying & i stumbled backwards, but that was it. I felt lucky my hat was on or he would have hit my face. It was the shock of the whole thing, not any injury. I was expecting a smile back, not to be struck at, we'd only ever been friendly for 2 years.

Prior to DH and I getting married I had a wonderful relationshipp with my 10 year old SD. Her father is the custodial parent of her and three other children and has been since she was four years old - she has had an on again off again relationship with her mom since she left. I think that DSD was just as excited about our marriage as we were. We got married on December 15 and by Christmas she had declared an all out war against me trying to make sure that I understood her place in her dad's life. She did not like me sitting by him, kissing him (something she had seen plenty of times prior to our marriage) or being near him in any way. Everything was a struggle from who got to sit by him in the truck and at the dinnertable to her point blank asking him whom he loved the most. (He very diplomatically told her he loved us both the same amount for different reasons - NOT the answer she was looking for) We left for our honeymoon on December 26th and went to Disneyland taking all four of the kids with us and every single day and activity was a batttle for her dads attention. Sometimes I stepped back and let her have her time and others (like the time she insisted that he hold both of her hands, instead of one of each) I did not. She is a loving, sweet little girl that I love with all of my heart and I tried to place myself in her position and never battle back - just talk and explain and listen ans sometimes say "I'm sorry but this is the way that it is and this is the reason why." After just a couple of weeks she understood that I wasn't trying to take her place and she loved me again. Six weeks after getting married DH and I got a huge surprise and found out we were pregnant (while on the pill) We were thrilled, DSD was devastated and hysterical and again we just sat back and listened and explained and loved her and let her vent and sometimes rant and rave, and sometimes when she got out of hand we had to send her to her room to give her and us a moment to calm down and regroup. We knew we had to give her time and patience and understanding. Her dad never let her disrespect me in any way, and beleive me there were times I think she wanted me to go away and never come back, but she never said as much. It took her 4 months to accept the pregnancy and another month to admit she was happy - I am due November 7th and the first time she said anything about being excited about the baby was the fourth of July. I know for me sometimes it was hard not to get angry, and start telling her how she needed to be acting differently because of this and this and this, but then I would just remind myself how traumatizing all of these changes had to be for a child and would just sit back and bite my lips until the impulse passed. We now have the loving relationship (and friendship) that we had before and i am greatful everyday that I found the patience I needed to sit back and let her adjust. Hugs - Candy

Thank you for your honesty. I have been divorced 3 times due to them cheating and being physically abusive I don't want to go through another divorce and I am on disability and get little in social security I can't take care of myself financially nor am I able to drive. I am stuck. So I need to make the best out of a bad situation. I love him but my feelings for him have changed due to him and his kids. I just keep telling myself that I just need to put up with it for 4 more years and she will be gone. I just don't know how to handle the four years. He told me last night he understands my feelings and to just ignore her. I don't know how. She needs to be dealt with and he from what I have seen doesn't deal with his childrens behaviors. I have a warrant out for arrest on his oldest daughter who is 18 now and nothing has been done that I know of. She did apologize for everything she had done but I still hate her and don't want anything to do with her or want her over here. How can someone screw up your only two kids? I would like to know what my husband would do if my kids treated him the way his kids treat me. Could he just ignore it? I have asked him this question and he said he can't answer it. Thanks for your help.