Thanks for your responses. They helped me express myself in a new way with my husband. I was looking for help in how to put what I feel to my husband, cos I don't believe he understands. It's hard for him as of course he loves his daughter, so he feels caught between us. He does love me that's why we moved away, although I've recently discovered he wouldn't have any problems moving back to the region & thinks I'm exagerating to want to be anywhere but there. SD is possesive cos of their close relationshioip for the first 14 years of her life. He brought SD up on his own after SD's mother died when she was a few months old. Just like with a single mum, a close relationship was formed. SD was also given total freedom & no mention of her behaviour. My husband can't really see much wrong with her behviour. He didn't really notice how she was with me. He would get upset at the time but he also forgets quite quickly. He is also totlaly tolerant of bad behviour in anyone, it's like a philosophy, to allow all & let it correct itself, that it's not for us to stop others, it's a spiritually based approach. I agree with him, but I have trouble when it's affecting me directly & threatens our relationship. Of course we have many things going on in our life & all are good, it's only this one area we come in to conflict. I didn't press charges against SD'd boyfriend as i wasn't injured. my hat went flying & i stumbled backwards, but that was it. I felt lucky my hat was on or he would have hit my face. It was the shock of the whole thing, not any injury. I was expecting a smile back, not to be struck at, we'd only ever been friendly for 2 years.

Prior to DH and I getting married I had a wonderful relationshipp with my 10 year old SD. Her father is the custodial parent of her and three other children and has been since she was four years old - she has had an on again off again relationship with her mom since she left. I think that DSD was just as excited about our marriage as we were. We got married on December 15 and by Christmas she had declared an all out war against me trying to make sure that I understood her place in her dad's life. She did not like me sitting by him, kissing him (something she had seen plenty of times prior to our marriage) or being near him in any way. Everything was a struggle from who got to sit by him in the truck and at the dinnertable to her point blank asking him whom he loved the most. (He very diplomatically told her he loved us both the same amount for different reasons - NOT the answer she was looking for) We left for our honeymoon on December 26th and went to Disneyland taking all four of the kids with us and every single day and activity was a batttle for her dads attention. Sometimes I stepped back and let her have her time and others (like the time she insisted that he hold both of her hands, instead of one of each) I did not. She is a loving, sweet little girl that I love with all of my heart and I tried to place myself in her position and never battle back - just talk and explain and listen ans sometimes say "I'm sorry but this is the way that it is and this is the reason why." After just a couple of weeks she understood that I wasn't trying to take her place and she loved me again. Six weeks after getting married DH and I got a huge surprise and found out we were pregnant (while on the pill) We were thrilled, DSD was devastated and hysterical and again we just sat back and listened and explained and loved her and let her vent and sometimes rant and rave, and sometimes when she got out of hand we had to send her to her room to give her and us a moment to calm down and regroup. We knew we had to give her time and patience and understanding. Her dad never let her disrespect me in any way, and beleive me there were times I think she wanted me to go away and never come back, but she never said as much. It took her 4 months to accept the pregnancy and another month to admit she was happy - I am due November 7th and the first time she said anything about being excited about the baby was the fourth of July. I know for me sometimes it was hard not to get angry, and start telling her how she needed to be acting differently because of this and this and this, but then I would just remind myself how traumatizing all of these changes had to be for a child and would just sit back and bite my lips until the impulse passed. We now have the loving relationship (and friendship) that we had before and i am greatful everyday that I found the patience I needed to sit back and let her adjust. Hugs - Candy

If he won't step up, you will either live with this, or you will leave. Remember that pointing out a child's deficiencies will only make the parent defensive. Asking a child how many date nights she wants with her dad is inappropriate. A child should not get any "date nights". There should be father-daughter time, but to put her time as equal to your time is damaging. They are equally important, but not the same at all. She doesn't like the relationship you have with your daughter because she wants a good relationship with her mom. "I think I should get my dad to myself EVERY night." Have you said to her that you understand her feelings? Here's an example of what I'm talking about. My SD and I went to the beach with her dad this weekend. She and I went to the water because he's not the water-person I am. She was afraid. We stood at the water's edge for FOREVER. Finally she said that she's "used to" her mom and her mom telling her it would be all right, etc. She said "if you were my mom, I'd believe you". I looked right at her and said, "sweetie, I'm not your Mama. We don't have that history or trust built up. I can't tell you the same words and have you believe them just like your mama would." I said "honey, if you were my daughter, I'd throw you under my arm and take you out to the waves, (that's what I do with my dd) but you're not. So we're just going to have to get through this the best we can, and we can stand here as long as you like." She got it. I'm not a replacement, but I will not be made to feel bad because I don't have the history with her. We're here at square one. Now what. Now someone makes a move. But she is not going to control my life. I am the adult. I respect her as a child under my care, as my DH's daughter. I made it clear I will protect her, that I want to know her, and that we are a family. But the family starts with me and DH. We are the trees, and they get to enjoy the shade.

I'm in your shoes and the problem is coming from the both of them, but your partner is the one to blame here because he is her parent and the adult here. He is allowing this behavior and by showing her you don't matter he is giving her power over the relationship and to drive a wedge between you. Read my post (that is also long and received few replies as well) about husband feeling like he's being made to choose. I didn't go into detail about particular incidents of things she did, but she came to live with us 3 years ago and the alienation of my opinions started right away and gradually increased. Every time that he did nothing drove me further away and caused me to not respect him- in fact I'm disgusted with him. Now she rules the house, says and does whatever she wants. Heaven forbid she doesn't get her way because she will bully her Dad until he gives in. I didn't fully disengage until she lied about me to get her way and in a separate incident two months later she embellished a story heavily to gain attention for herself and to make me look bad. She trash talks me (like she did her mother before moving here) with lies and half truths. Luckily for you, you only have to deal with her during visitation. Don't ever agree to her moving in full time or you will regret it. You need to talk with your partner and tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will work on it. You and he should be the team. Not the kids. My husband always cried about being in the middle (but he consistently put himself there) and I recently told him that if we had been the team we should have been there wouldn't have been a middle! He needs to quit playing into her games. It's too bad that some girls have to act that way and sadly, they usually learn it from their mothers. This post was edited by tjlo on Fri, Jun 28, 13 at 7:08