Need help with step daughter, unusual situation

17 years ago

I'm in an unusual situation. My husband raised his daughter on his own, my SD's mum died when she was a few months old. I came into their lives when she was 14. She basically hated me from the start and never hid it. Her dad brought her up allowing her own free will, which means he won't tell her anything about her behaviur because he won't intefere with another person's will. Also I couldn't say anything to her as my husband would get very distressed with me if I did. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable on every level, I think as a result of not being told how to behave with people she has no social skills, at least not towards me. Almost from day one her intention was to separate me from her dad while she was around. She didn't want my presence while she was with her dad. This was ridiculous as we were living in the same home. I made every effort to be warm and giving to her. I put a huge amount of energy into helping her early on with her interests, I even made a DVD & a website for her. All were treated with total disinterest or anger. The trouble escalated over 3 years by which time she left home to live with her boyfirned & his parents. It didn't end when she left home, she got her boyfirned on side (& his family) against me & her dad. Finally her boyfriend walked into my workplace & after knowing him for 2 years and only ever having friendly talks with him, as he walked in I smiled at him - and he hit me in the face. It has totally changed my view of people for all time I can tell you. It was a year ago & I still haven't got over the shock. My husband & I sold up and left town. My husband believed leaving was better than taking SD on about he behaviour. As I said a year has passed. They have talked on the phne about once a month & now they write to each other on the net. He loves his daughter obviously, but to be honest I'm afraid of her. I believe she will do anything to get what she wants, without thought of my or my husband's welfare. She's now nearly 19. My husband is getting more involved again with her. Of course I'd rather have nothing to do with someone who caused me to be physically attacked, but I can't say that to my husband. In fact I can hardly say anything. My husband is very defensive about the whole subject, and believes the best way is not to say anything, except what SD wants to hear to keep them happy & leave us in peace. In my experiecne this is what caused the trouble in the frst place. I just don't know what to do. I can see at some point sh'ell return in our lives & I can't believe she'll be different - she still doesn't even know my full name.

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Comments (4)

sylviatexas1
17 years ago
hmmm.
won't intervene to facilitate your relationship with his daughter
didn't intervene when you were punched
doesn't "believe in interfering in someone else's free will".
& his daughter is evidently jealous, possessive, &, if not violent herself, at least violent by proxy.

(Have you asked yourself what kind of "relationship" with her father would give her the impression that it's appropriate for her to feel possessive of him?)

If I hadn't read that you're in Australia, I'd swear that you're married to an old boyfriend of mine!

I always got hurt, & he sat at the sidelines & adopted a morally superior tone by "refusing on principle" to "intervene" &...enjoyed the whole drama.

I'm talking ex-wife stalking me, ex-wife giving ADHD son a whole box of Sugar Pops cereal on Saturday mornings before dropping him off at my house, ex-wife going to my church & telling the pastor I had stolen her husband (whom I hadn't even known before they split up), all kinds of fun stuff.

The only way I could keep from getting hurt or having my stomach tied in knots from stress & dread was to get out of the whole soap opera.

sounds to me like it's way past time to exercise your free will & take yourself out of harm's way.

sylvia

ps: Was his daughter's boyfriend arrested for the assault?
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
"My husband & I sold up and left town. My husband believed leaving was better than taking SD on about he behaviour"

That's a lot of trouble, disruption, & loss to absorb just to keep from having to "take her on about her behavior"... unless he can't risk her revealing the reason for her possessiveness & her behavior.
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coolmama
17 years ago
I certainly hope you pressed charges on this guy that punched you in the face!!!

I'm sorry,but I'm afraid I have to agree with sylviatexas...this does not sound like a situation you can really work out.Your husband HAS to stand up to his daughter,and would if he loved you!
People can say what they want,but to me,I DRAW THE LINE AT PHYSICAL VIOLENCE!
Even if it wasnt actually the daughter who hit you,surely she put her boyfriend up to it,and to do it AT YOUR JOB!?!?
I'm just horrified by this story...
If your husband didnt stand up for you now,when will he ever? Only you can decide that you arent going to be the punching bag anymore.
I'am truely sorry about your problem...I hope you can decide what is best for you.
mary-jane
Original Author
17 years ago
Thanks for your responses. They helped me express myself in a new way with my husband. I was looking for help in how to put what I feel to my husband, cos I don't believe he understands. It's hard for him as of course he loves his daughter, so he feels caught between us. He does love me that's why we moved away, although I've recently discovered he wouldn't have any problems moving back to the region & thinks I'm exagerating to want to be anywhere but there. SD is possesive cos of their close relationshioip for the first 14 years of her life. He brought SD up on his own after SD's mother died when she was a few months old. Just like with a single mum, a close relationship was formed. SD was also given total freedom & no mention of her behaviour. My husband can't really see much wrong with her behviour. He didn't really notice how she was with me. He would get upset at the time but he also forgets quite quickly. He is also totlaly tolerant of bad behviour in anyone, it's like a philosophy, to allow all & let it correct itself, that it's not for us to stop others, it's a spiritually based approach. I agree with him, but I have trouble when it's affecting me directly & threatens our relationship. Of course we have many things going on in our life & all are good, it's only this one area we come in to conflict. I didn't press charges against SD'd boyfriend as i wasn't injured. my hat went flying & i stumbled backwards, but that was it. I felt lucky my hat was on or he would have hit my face. It was the shock of the whole thing, not any injury. I was expecting a smile back, not to be struck at, we'd only ever been friendly for 2 years.

Need help with step daughter, unusual situation

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Need help with step daughter, unusual situation

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