I think your children definitely need you to spend significant time alone with them, and one day every other weekend is hardly too much to ask - actually one day every weekend would not be too much to ask. It is equally good for him to spend time alone with his children.

There's a part of this arrangement that sounds a bit like "us" and "them"
And like maybe you're hedging your bets about the whole 'integrated family' being permanent?

At the same time, your kids DO need special time with you --
I'm just wondering if a different arrangement could give the kids the 1 on 1 they need without the "us" and "them" delineation...

What does your family counselor say?

dcubana:

I have to say that you are not asking too much here. Your kids NEED to feel like your main priority and that means not sharing you all the time. I think you plan one day on the weekend for "family" outings, and one for each of you to spend alone w/ your respective children. His children probably also crave some alone time w/ dad.

In light of the problems caused by his eldest, you deserve a little break here, and making your kids feel comfortable and to accept, not resent, their siblings is paramount for a happy, blended future.

Privately, tell your own children that no one could ever, in a million years, replace them in your heart. But, that your heart is awesome in that it can always love more and more, no matter how many kids were in the family.

I think it's also important to have some one-on-one time w/ each child. It's all a juggling act at this stage - anyone w/ more than one child knows this. In our "own" families, the siblings didn't appear overnight so it's easier for kids to adjust to new baby.

Encourage DH to start doing things w/ his brood on Sat, even tell him that they NEED him to do that as this adjustment is tough on everyone. Use that time to be w/ yours. Then plan something really fun for Sundays, the "Entire Family Day." Church, brunch, then the zoo is a nice start if you're religious and have a zoo nearby.

Good luck,
Dana

"Thanks for all your responses=)

theotherside-Yes you're right. I have also told him this, that he could take the opportunity to spend some alone time with his children while I am gone. I would like to have one day each week with my children, I think they would be a million times happier having to "share" me if they had more time with me alone. The therapist also agrees. She also thinks that my DH may be reacting this way to me going away every other weekend, because he is fearful that i am just distancing myself from him and his children due to what "happened".It is starting to bother me that i have to walk on egg shells with him when this topic comes up-since its something that is really important to me.

sweeby-Its been really rough these last few years, if you read my other posts you'll understand why. After the "incident", I would be lying if i said that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Not knowing whats going to happen with the eldest (since things are still up in the air about him) has added to a lot of my doubts. Im still working through my "guilt" with my therapist, but I have gotten better at accepting the past and focusing on the present. Spending time with my children alone means a lot to me mostly because i get to shower them with affection the entire day and (vice versa).Normally if I give someone a hug," everyone runs over to get one" if someone gives me a kiss, "everyone gives me a kiss".I mean I kiss and hug "all the kids" throughout the day, I don't just do it with my children. I have always been very affectionate towards my children, I miss just laying on the couch cuddling with them watching TV. I really can't do that, since "EVERYONE" wants to "sit by me" and who ever is left out ends up feeling hurt, or "excluded" so i usually sit on the recliner to avoid all the Drama...little things like that, I just really miss them. My children have been through so much these past two years, we just need that alone "time" to heal. The therapist has told me this and agrees that it is something we need to do. My Dh disagrees, and says that i am creating "divisions" with the children. Im just trying to do whats best for my children right now, and this is what they need. I don't want to have to leave my home every other weekend and stay at my mom's for the rest of my life. As for another arrangement, I haven't been able to come up with any other arrangements that work. Im open to any suggestions if anyone has any!

Dana-Thanks for your suggestions. I haven't really talked to them about how "irreplaceable" they are in my heart in a while. I think Ill take the opportunity to do it this weekend. I really like the idea about doing something really fun on Sunday! We usually just go to church and stay home and relax right after. I think that it may make it easier for the kids when I leave if they know that they will have a "Special Day with me" to look forward to the following day....I will definetely give this a try=)

-Thanks again everyone
-Dcubuna