They get out in less than a month? My kids would be jealous - they don't get out until the last half of June.

They started school pretty early in August though, while most kids started later. Also, they had fewer holidays during this year. There are new schools being built in the district so they have some moves to make over the summer. So, this year the school calendar was different I guess. I guess that is what happens when you live in a small town that is growing!

My daughter graduates HS on May 22nd. My stepdaughter gets out of school May 29.

Oh yeah mom2emall, could you send an email back to grandparents and let them know you haven't been informed of any plans and give them a deadline to let you know what's happening. Maybe let them know you are planning your summer and if they don't let you know by the deadline, then you'll assume there won't be any summer visit.

Then, at least you've made an attempt. I wouldn't hold my breath for it and then when she calls at the last minute, there is likely to be more stress and conflict if you have to tell her you have other plans.

i would tell BM or GPs or whoever that if plans are not made by a certain day,you would make your own plans. Set a deadline. Send an email, don't say it over the phone. keep an email as a proof.

as about school breaks, breaks (in public schools) here don't start until mid June becuase according to a new law schools can't start until after labor day.

I am like you mom2 I hate being in limbo ... do I plan or just go with the flow ... drives me nutz I plan stuff then she changes something so its back to planning .... even though hubby has summer visitation days in a CO who knows if she will really exercise her visitation for those specific weeks....

I want to call her and ask for a couple of weekends this summer but I don't want any confrontation over it ... so do I wait for her to ask us to take them one weekend or do I ask for a certain weekend ...

I want to go to the drive-in, have a yard sale, visit six flags, and a few other things which we have done every summer for 3 years. We had them every weekend so I could plan those things when I wanted to with out regard to mom.

Guess I could take them during the week to do those things and do the yard sale with out them. Hubby wouldn't be able to go during the week.

It would drive me batty waiting for them to decide and then only have a few days to prepare for them to be gone a month or so ... even though they are not my kids I would still miss them ... I know eeks how dare we miss something that "doesn't belong" to us. :)

I agree with Finedreams...set a deadline. If they havent gotten back in touch with you by then make your own plans. The girls have missed out on WAY TOO MUCH because we sat around waiting for mommy.

If they get mad just kindly remind them of the deadline. Nuff said.

I agree with the others about setting a date.

One of my favorite mantras is "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?"

Of course the "right" thing is for you to not have to say anything since it is BMs responsibility. Being in limbo is terrible, and it seems like in this case, you should put being "right" aside and just send an email with the deadline so that way you can enjoy planning the rest of your summer! You will be happier!

I guess the reason we have not told them to make plans by a certain date is we really hope they don't make any plans at all.

If they wait to the last minute we can say "too late, they have plans---you should have let us know months ago what your plans were.

So many problems when they went there last summer. It did more harm than good for them. And I am not just saying that, it really did do them a lot of emotional harm.

Mom2emall-- I've been in roughly similar situations with my Dad & SM. Not exactly the same circumstances as yours, but similar in the way you just alluded to, in that if you're not careful, it gets turned around on YOU, like it's YOUR fault or YOUR decision or YOU taking time away from THEM because they didn't want to deal with the issue directly; and you either get blamed and/or wind up losing out on quality times with the kids just the same.

With my dad & SM, THEY didn't really want me to visit for Christmas (of course, I wanted to, been visiting for Christmas every year since I was a child, and my dad has terminal lung cancer; but SM wanted her sister and brother-in-law there, like, INSTEAD of me.) But nobody would just freaking come out and TELL me this until less than a month before Christmas. (We all know that with anything involving air travel at Christmas, the rates are over-the-top, if you can even get a ticket, starting six wks before the holidays.) For months I sat around not knowing why he was dragging his feet about setting our usual travel dates This decision on their part was so hurtful and felt like such abandonment, and I definitely wanted and needed to be with family. That period of time is also the only time period that I can get almost two weeks of holiday time at my job, time that I decided, in these circumstances, would be best spent visiting my mom (who also lives way out of state and whom I don't get much chance to visit) if he didn't want me, she most certainly would.

To get to the gist of this story: I knew (based on how SM operates) that even though SHE was the one who didn't want me there, and HE was not facing the issue (out of fear of confontation, I guess), I knew that she would find a way to turn it on me and act like it was somehow MY WISH to not be there on what tragically could very well have been his last Christmas on earth. Probably BECAUSE it was such a crappy thing to do, it had to be rationalized. Couldn't possibly be HER pettiness, just like with your kids' BM it couldn't possibly be HER negligence.... no, it's gotta be YOUR fault. So that's how this past Christmas has been re-framed. Because I DID go to see my mom intead, once I found out I wasn't wanted at my Dad's, it became: "Serenity decided to go to her mom's this year instead." Which has a certain ring to it, as vs. "WE decided we didn't want Serenity here." Big difference. Very face-saving.

I say make your plans because it sounds like BM is dragging her feet b/c she doesn't want to make plans anyway. But don't let her turn it around on YOU, which she, like you alluded to, could do if you gave her NO indications ("why did you make plans without consulting me? I guess they didn't WANT to come visit here..."). YES, she should be proactively making her plans without reminders, like a grown person. But for the sake of civility and preventing her from turning the situation around, you need to set the date, like, "we have to know by this Friday what the plan is." Then it's on HER to step on on Friday with a plan or not, and if she doesn't, she is obviously the one who bears responsibility for the lack of a visit. I did that with my dad and that's the only way I got him to cough up a clear statement of what had been decided. Otherwise, I would have been still sitting around waiting, with no other plan for that holiday time but sitting in the proverbial "corner" to reflect upon what I "must have done" to "deserve" banishment from Christmas this year.

Been through this alot every year. But since my son was born, i took a stand and told my husband to keep his schedual tight. No flipping weekends unless its an emergency. And when i plan things i do not tell his kids cause the biomom usually plans things after to sabatoge the weekend. Like asking them to come home really early on a sunday or just plans things that weekend so they dont want to come to our place.
So i say nothing until they come friday night. If they are there great. If not, their loss. Not mine. I was sick and tired of always reserving , cancelling. etc..etc..
SD got pist last year that we went ot toronto , told her it was my brothers schedual. Not mine. Not your fathers, and certainly not your mothers. My brother planned his sons baptism on a weekend that didnt' fall on visitation. Plus their mother was planning my SS birthday party that weekend ..so there was no way in hell she would have switched. I told SD . that was the situation and there was no way your mom would have dropped your brothers party and my brother doesn't cater to your parents visitation schedual.
Plan your plans according to your needs and your families needs. ITs up to biomom and grandparents to ask. Dont cancel just tell them the dates they are available for grabs and its up to them to book it. No sweat.

I understand what you mean . . . hopfully if you guys say nothing you can get out of it without having to be the 'bad guys' and tell them they can't go. BUT, what will end up happening is they will call at the last minute, you'll say no because you all have plans, mom and g-parents will make you into the bad guys anyway because you kept them from the kids and you still end up losing the 'battle.'

I think the deadline realy is the best thing to do. It's the only real way to minimize the 'bad guy' chances.

Martha is right. There is also the added factor that if you dont give them a deadline, and ignore the issue, hoping it will not surface, they could concievably complain to a judge that you wont let them see the kids. They probably arent above exaggerating and leaving things out to make you appear to be the bad guys.

I would do the deadline thing, just to cover my butt.

have deadline in writing.