Step Daughter Out of Control!!

19 years ago

I was looking online to find some insight on how to deal with my 20 yr. old step daughter. She recently moved back here into our home after living out of state for 1 1/2 yrs. Her Mother moved across country because her husband got a job and the kids went with. Her mother was calling here constantly asking my husband for help and advice because she was out of hand and they were fighting constantly. Well her Mom ends up kicking her out and she moves into her own apartment. She got a good job as a secretary and was able to afford living on her own. We were concerned with her taking on all the debt but couldn't talk any sense into her. Well she ended up losing her job because was constantly late. So when her lease was up she moved back here to live with us. I knew it would be difficult but it has been just awful! I got her an awesome job at my salon but when it came down to it she wouldn't work there because she wanted to be "herself" meaning she didn't want to have to remove her lip piercings. So she has gotten a minimum wage job at a young adult shoe store so she can be "herself". She is in debt big-time, has no money, has bill collectors calling constantly- but still manages to go out every night! She barely gets up in time to go to work and she screams bloody murder at me if I try to get her up. She swears at me and is very disrespectful! I told her she can get out and move to Grandma and Grandpa's house if she doesn't like my rules. She screams back insisting that no, no, sorry she's not going anywhere. She defies me and the rage sometimes I feel sometimes is scary! She is such a rag! My husband needs to get her in control! He is doing to whole tough love thing. He doesn't help her with bills and if she sleeps too late- too bad. But yet he still doesn't make things better. I have told him over and over that I can't deal with this and I am not going to. He doesn't take me seriously. I felt like backing some bags and leaving earlier today, but why should I leave my home which I work so hard to pay for! I don't know what to do! She doesn't do one thing to help out- like she's suppose to. She is so disrespectful to me and our home! I think she is either on drugs or is bipolar. Any ideas how to deal with this.

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Comments (16)

cawfecup
19 years ago
Don't wake her up for work too bad if she gets fired again do not give her a dime.

Give the collections agents her cell phone number.
mmommy
19 years ago
Glad you found "us"!
I think you will find quite a few people here who can provide a lot of insight based on experience.....My SD is not quite to that age (17) (I fear DH and I may find ourselves in a similar situation, though, so I'll take good notes on the advice you get!).

In the meantime,

1-Are there any other children in the house? How old?
2-How much debt is she in?
3-Prior to moving out of state, what was the custody situation? How often did you and DH see her? How long have you been in her life?
4-How long has her behavior been combatative?
5-How did she do in school? (Academically and Discipline wise)

Sorry for the "interrogation" :) just want to know a little more before I attempt to advise.

Again, glad you're here. I've been posting/reading here for a few months and it has helped me tremendously.
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sylviatexas1
19 years ago
"But yet he still doesn't make things better. I have told him over and over that I can't deal with this and I am not going to. He doesn't take me seriously."

There's your problem.

You might read cawfecup's "disengaging" thread.

(& the next time the little *X#% screamed at me, I'd toss a glass of water in her face. That's what you do with tantrum-throwing brats & hysterics.)
coolmama
19 years ago
"He is doing to whole tough love thing. "

Doesnt sound much like he is doing tough love if she is living with you,paying no rent,and not helping out around the house.Tough love would be telling her she cant go out every night.That it is your house and your rules~dont like it~get out. Tough love would be making her step up to be a bit more responsible.

And it may be wrong,but I found the quote,"(& the next time the little *X#% screamed at me, I'd toss a glass of water in her face. That's what you do with tantrum-throwing brats & hysterics.)" actually quite amusing.
popi_gw
19 years ago
Its interesting that when you say to her, that she should move out to Gran's place, that she says she is sorry and she is not going anywhere. I assume she says this in a nice way ? If that is the case, she does want to stay, then.

You need to engage her father more, suggest a calm family meeting around the kitchen table, the three of you. Take each problem and work out, with her, what she can do. Just dissect it all. Talk about responsibility etc. But make it seem like you are helping her.

I think parents are often critical of children, and young adults (I am guilty too!), when really we should be showing them how to fix the problem.

I know you are helping her, and doing a fantastic job, by giving her a roof over her head, and getting her a good job.

She needs more attention to what is going on inside her head.

I wish you all the best, with your SD.

Popi
coolmama
19 years ago
Sorry,I found it amusing because I didnt see where cawfee cup had said that. I read through a buncha times and couldnt find it. Her other posts seem very well grounded.Are you sure it was her who said that sylvia texas?
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
The reason I referred to cawfecup's thread was because of her success with disengaging & getting out of the line of fire, as it were, between her husband & his child & "letting" him deal with attitude/behavior.

No, that "quote" was actually a "sylviatexas original", but I have to give credit to my grandmother for it:

My mother told me that, when I was a toddler, I used to hold my breath.

My mother would yell at me, & I'd just *look* at her & keep on holding my breath.

I did it one day when we were at my grandmother's house (the grandmother who raised 12 children).

We were in the kitchen, & Granny was running from sink to stove to fridge, talking the whole time.

My mother said that when I started holding my breath, Granny never slowed down, never paused in her chat;
she just tossed a glass of water in my face & kept going!
ekcs400
19 years ago
She is 18 and not in college, right? Well, I'd kick her out, unless she is holding down a full time job. She is an adult legally and you aren't obligated. If her dad is all about tough love, then tell her to grow up or kick her out and she'll be forced to grow up. It sounds harsh, but you have the right to be happy in your own home.
coolmama
19 years ago
That is funny Sylvia...although it may not have been to you at the time,LOL.
cawfecup
19 years ago
Coolmama ... thanks
but I have thrown a glass of water at my 8 yr old stepdaughter (eeks!!) but after two hours of her screaming "help me" like she was dying and I couldn't calm her down no matter what. Repeatedly asking her what was wrong and her only response was "I need help" my SKs are relentlous repeaters. she was holding her breath throwing herself all over the house after about 90 minutes she started screaming I need a drink of water... after 30 minutes of her screaming for water I threw a glass of water at her.( it was that or ___________) Amazingly she calmed down in seconds. Hubby was in shock why did you do that? she wanted water! Hubby has a lot more patience than I do. :-) I can only take 2 hours of being screamed at he can take it for days.

reason for screamfest = didn't know if she could write her spelling words on more than one line.

And for all those who will say I shouldn't have done it .... I did it to my own daughter years and years ago. She doesn't remember be throwing water on her but she remembers the times I spanked her.
coolmama
19 years ago
I dont see anything overly wrong with throwing water at someone. I cant say I wouldnt if someone was screaming at me for hours either. I guess it is better than slapping them.
It's kinda like a wake up call.Sometimes when kids get in that overly hysterical state you have to do something!

I once slapped my daughter (and felt really bad afterwards) because she had gotten stung by like 6 bees. She wouldnt tell us that though,just kept screaming. We honestly didnt know what was wrong with her. So I finally slapped her (not hard) and she got calm enough to say she had been stung.
I have actually heard you're supposed to do something like that when people go into hysterics.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
Hubs has a lot more patience?
maybe a greater tolerance for torture...

(I don't know how you could stand the racket for hours before you tossed the water in her face.)

I think it's a great idea:
it doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't teach hitting, & doesn't involve getting yourself all red in the face & upset, & it works.

(I don't even remember the water being tossed in my face.)
popi_gw
19 years ago
That's funny story, Syliva, thanks for sharing that with us. Its a great technique.

I use it on my DD cat, when she is bothering me in the kitchen, around my legs, a quick flick of water, only a flick, an she's off. No more bothering.
organic_maria
19 years ago
Harsh love is kicking her out. She is over 18 yrs old. You have not legal obligation to her. She cannot treat you with such disrespect. You are right. Do not leave your house. Sit down and speak to your husband. She is of age. List all the things she does. Give her a time limit to change. (though i doubt very much she will) When the time elapse.
1. Warn her. with rules and time
2. ACT ON THEM
3. Kick her out. If she puts a fight. Call the police.

THat is tough love.
IF my own kid was disrespectful to me, i would give him a good 'licken' he wouldnt' forget!
My husband just read your post. He agrees. He even suggested while she is at work, pack her stuff, send them to the grandparents and change the locks.
He has two kids from his previous marriage and his SD has started to play the parents against one another. Funny , she was the one who behaved and its was my SS who had the attitude...now things have turned around. My DH has refused to take custody of her with darn good reason. She plays head games and thinks she is entitled to everything. Well....she is being put in her place on a daily basis now. ANd i'm glad i do not have to deal with her 24 /7. BUt, she doesnt' give me attitude. Its her dad she give it and i think it has alot to do with her mother bad mouthing my DH ....I really wish Biomoms can set aside their bitter feelings of their relationships and set them aside for the sake of the kids.
Good luck
and dont be afraid to boot her out. She is not a child. she is an adult and its your house. You didn't choose to live with stress. IF your hubby wants that stress, thats fine and dandy..but you didnt' sign for it.
Tough love= tough action.
nytefyre
19 years ago
Wish I had some advice for you other than "hang in there" I've got a 20 year old bum myself. I'm the WORST at tough love =( I am such a sap.

hang in there
vistajpdf
19 years ago
I'm thinking my adult SD living w/ me isn't so bad after all.

Regardless, again, it's the husband who needs to enforce that you, as his wife, is shown respect, esp. in your own home. I always wanted my DH to say to his kids, "I wouldn't allow you to treat a stranger like that so why would think I'd allow you to treat my wife like that????" It never happened.

I agree w/ the above posts. Your DH is showing some "tough love" but he's still enabling her by providing a place to live. It's very tough to really do the "tough love" thing and it's easy to criticize someone not doing it when it isn't our child. I wonder if I could really do it, to be honest.

Anyway, get to the bottom of any possible addictions the girl may have and get a plan. I assume you have no other kids in the house - if you do, they don't need to see her example for another day.

Start w/ a family meeting, lay it all out there in writing and make sure she understands that from here on out, there will be consequences. She has a choice - A) either respect you, your house, herself and her job and coexist peacefully or B) mess up again - lose self-control, lose her job etc and be out on the streets. Again, reiterate that all's forgotten up to now, but that the ball is truly in HER court.

Good luck,
Dana

Step Daughter Out of Control!!

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cawfecup

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