Since I am single I can't pretend to give advice on the dynamics of your relationship. But I'm 3 weeks into a complete kitchen gut and I am overwhelmed to the point of tears on a daily basis. It is because I am a control freak who thrives in an organized, calm, clean environment. I don't mind "controlled" change, but I don't deal well at all with chaos, constant unpredictability, disorganization, feeling out of control (ie trusting men in and out of my house ripping things apart). I've already had several near blow-ups with my contractor in which he verified that I am a control freak. I knew that. What I didn't know is how horribly this process has worked on my emotional makeup, exacerbating my own bad tendencies.

Perhaps your husband, like me, just has the kind of emotional makeup that finds this situation incredibly stressful. If I had a spouse I'd feel sorry for him because I'd certainly be letting him know how miserable I was in one way or another. Probably some cold treatment and banging pots in the temporary kitchen.

I am hanging on only by the thread of hope that "someday" this too shall pass. My god, it is only a kitchen remodel! Why can't I put on my big girl pants and deal with it with grace?

"Dining room light currently has a short in it, which keeps blowing bulbs.Previously he removed the wall switch due to faulty wiring in the wall, and we have a pull chain for ceiling fan and its light. "

Tell him you are changing things so that the existing things don't burn the house down, or cause y'all to break a leg walking across a dark room.

lazygardens has a good response! I've been sick for 2 days and have an ongoing headache. might be able to come up with more if I feel better tomorrow.

do keep reminding him that it IS temporary, will clean up nicely in the end and be back to a better calm environment soon - for both of you to enjoy - and be safe!

I am also dealing with this also to some extent. My husband and I are in our early 60s and have been married just over 2 years. We are about to consolidate households in the next 6 weeks. I joke that he would still live in a house like the one he grew up in (but with air conditioning, and without his parents) if he could. He just HATES anything new.

I bought a programmable thermostat for his house (the one we will be living in together); he lost it. His electricity bill is more than twice what mine is, because he leaves lights on, the heat and A/C on, etc.

I bought a kitchen faucet with a pull-down spray. He washes his hair in that sink sometimes, and I thought it would make it easier for him. He freaked out when he saw that not only could you switch it to a spray with a push of a button, but you could detach it from the arm and swish it around. I don't believe he has ever touched it.

The kitchen floor was painted vinyl when he bought the house. It was wearing through to the subfloor in places. He thought it had what he called an "organic" quality to it. I thought it was dangerous and finally convinced him to replace it with tile. He actually likes the tile! The mish mash of little and big furniture had to be removed from the very large kitchen - dining area for this to be accomplished. I only allowed a few pieces back in, and he really liked how it looked, But gradually most of the rest crept back in, and it's now overcrowded again.

So, I don't really have an answer. It sounds like your husband, like mine, is able to make some changes. For example, he wanted new cabinets, but he wanted different ones than you did. However, it sounds like his need for control may not make it comfortable for him to share the kitchen while working, so maybe your vision of the two of you working together is not one he shares. I actually am very territorial about my kitchen - I really don't want other people in it. Things work best for us when either my husband or I is working in the kitchen. The other one can sit in the dining area and be companionable, but not trying to work at the same time. Fortunately, we are both that way.

Try not to compromise when it's a matter of safety. If you trip on things, insist on getting rid of them (I trip over the little rugs my husband likes, and we had to have a serious conversation about that). Enough light to work safely in the kitchen should be available. He doesn't have to use it when he's working there, but it should be available for me. The overhead light isn't that noticeable and he can ignore it when it's not on!

Maybe you can do the things you already agree on now, plus the things that are safety-related, and leave some of the aesthetics for later, when he's adapted to all the upheaval of the first stage?

The plan calls for updating our wiring, updating our plumbing, replacing cabinets, adding new hardwood floors (and thus new baseboards), keeping existing appliances (I won't say "old" appliances because they were bought to be part of this new kitchen.)

Remind him that updating it ALL while the place is torn up ONCE is better than doing what my BIL calls a "street repair" remodel ... you know how they'll tear up a street to install a gas line, repave it, come back next year, rip it all up and fix the sewer lines ... two years later they are ripping it up again for the water mains ... that's what you want to avoid.

It's funny; I think of myself as highly resistant to change, yet I quit my job, moved to a an area I'd never been to, designed a house, and am building it! We completely changed our lives without anyone or anything forcing our hand. Before this, we never moved or changed jobs unless necessary. I don't know that's it's change just for the sake of change, though. We had goals in mind, and all of the changes were necessary to achieve the end goals.

Change is inevitable. Either something about us changes, such as health, or the world changes, and we are forced to go along with it. I guess I do like the kind of change where I'm the one initiating the change, and have a say in it. When the world forces a change, and I feel like I'm in the back seat of a runaway car, then, not so much.

ML- I don't think it's just the change...I think you're right about it being a lack of control. If he used to do remodeling himself, he must not have feared change, too much.

Tell him it's time to realize that there are going to be some changes and he is going to be fine! Change is necessary and can be fun. Maybe create a little room for him that is change-free and keep him in there until the remodeling is done! (LOL) Seriously, tell him it's important to YOU. He loves you, he wants you to be happy...and this is going to make life much easier.

Sadly, I don't think things will change in the kitchen, just because you're changing the layout. He will probably not like handing over control and I think that is the key! Make one area of the kitchen his...or give him a grilling area. I think he's going to need 'his own space' or he's not going to be happy.

Also, if he's not able to do the remodeling work, find something he can do. Then, sincerely tell him how much you appreciate his contribution! I think that (and a cute nightie) are your best bet. (I know, I just set the women's movement back decades, right?) But I really believe he (and you) will be happier if he feels like his opinion and contribution matter! No matter what he said in the past...

So, I hope this helps. I do not have all the answers (obviously) but I do know that I have to let my husband do his best every day...no matter how I worry that he'll fall or have a set back. It's important to him to be able to do things for himself...and for me. No matter how much I did when he was sick (and I did it by myself) he NEEDS to do things for me, now. And I love him for that :)

P.S. As for the nightie...whether you do anything about it or not, wearing it is fun and shows him you still think he's worth the effort. Maybe a cup of his favorite beverage and a few minutes of 'couple time' with no mention of the remodel. Just sitting together and talking about how much he means to you might be enough to make things better.

Is your DH depressed? Maybe he feels he should be doing this work instead of paying someone to do the work. Is he worried how much this costing?

I am widowed so I have to make all of the decisions....bad or good...but I think perhaps there is more going on than just changing. Hope you can work out your differences.

I like the way you say it, Jay.
Yes, change is a part of being alive. Nature is changing every day. I accept that as an integral part of being alive. Our lives are always evolving because we are maturing and eventually failing, and when we become static, that is when we die.

Remember that Lucy in Charley Brown PEANUTS said, "I don't want ups and downs, all I want is UPS and UPS." Even when it is ups and ups, that gets to be a flat line. And flat line to me means you are dead, no beating of the life within you. The suspension of the beating of life, flatlining as they say, leads to stagnation and death.

First off, yes, DH is depressed. He has been so since he retired actually, then more so when he sold his home in MA, and then moved permanently to AL--although he insisted that is where he wanted to come. He had spent all his life in 2 houses--his childhood home, and the home he bought and lived in for 45 years. He also was in control, in charge, at the same employment for about the same length of time. He was thus able to deal with change at work, and very good at creating change there---BUT, he wanted NO WAVES in his personal life. In that area, he could not deal with change.

So I come along (after 50 years apart) and I truly represent CHANGE in his life. My life has always had generous amounts of change in it. I find change stimulating and challenging at the same time. You see, the work I did got me addicted to the "adrenalin rush" of unexpected events.

You might not look at it the same way I do, but how many of us folks, especially ladies, are rearranging furniture, drawers, painting new colors on the walls, buying new style clothing? Isn't that CHANGE? Are you doing it FOR THE SAKE OF CHANGE?

I submit that fashion itself is CHANGE FOR THE SAKE OF CHANGE. However, applying new technology to homes is a way of improving our lives with safer appliances, better wiring and use of less planet resources, such as that. To bring a home into a more efficient state, with a better resale value, you gotta look at change as bringing benefits that are not available if you merely slap some lipstick on a pig.

I guess you can tell that I do not consider a remodel as CHANGE FOR THE SAKE OF CHANGE.

I do not think we will realize the benefit from this remodel in the resale price of this house. However, that is not the intent. We intend to live here for the rest of our lives. I've done the best I can to bring to our remaining days less maintenance, better access to features we like, places to sit and enjoy the views of our garden and private spaces, and easy access to the entire property, with room to have friends over.

To me, an accusation of CHANGE FOR THE SAKE OF CHANGE has no merit.

I am a changer. Just when it looks "good" I realize how it will be better. And I can look past the chaos and see what I am envisioning.

Others enjoy this not so much.

For the lighting etc, reminding him that as both of you age safety is a priority might help. I know for my 91 year old mom, admitting she should not do something is hard, but when I explain that I don't fall as well as I used to and I don't want to get hurt, she tends to get on board.

For an example, I have replaced almost all of the old mature duplicated many times over fruit trees my dad lovingly planted so many years ago. There is a sadness in cutting down some of them, but also the knowledge that if he could have done it, he would have cut the duplicates down just to try different varieties. And that while having the tallest fruit tree is nifty, having fruit you can walk up and reach is even better.

Some times change is not change for no reason but for better reasons

Kippy, and LazyGardens, both replies are spot on.

I like the comparison to "street repair" because that is exactly what has happened in front of our house. A newly paved street and they came to mark all the utilities down the whole street, and began digging to do the gas lines. Then after that was refreshed, the sewer people came. They need to replace the power pole beside our house, but it just keeps bowing to one side and so far that isn't done. I'd hoped they put in a new one before our new electrical service was run from there. I'd hate to have the electrical ripped off the house in the next hurricane.

Kippy, light is so important as we age. Our eyes gather less of the available light, and where we need it changes too. I am also happier when the room is well lighted. Not with glare, but with a comfortable glow. Bringing good light to a room can do more for it than any other thing to make me happy.

"DH is depressed. He has been so since he retired actually, then more so when he sold his home in MA, and then moved permanently to AL--although he insisted that is where he wanted to come. He had spent all his life in 2 houses--his childhood home, and the home he bought and lived in for 45 years."

Sounds like retiring and then selling the house in MA has taken it's toll on him. I've heard more and more lately about people retiring and not knowing what to do with themselves...It's such a huge life change! He's put his whole past behind him.
Not working was a big change for me. I even thought about being a volunteer reading to someone in a hospital or something... then I remembered that if you sign up, they'd really want you to show up. I couldn't guarantee that since I never knew from day to day how I'd feel. Was for the best tho as I seldom had a day in a week worth doing anything really. Going to the doctor (then a 1 hr+ drive each way) was such a drain on me. I'd be down for 2-3 days after that. Same when I went to do laundry.

I do believe you need to get things done now for safety - you don't know what's in your future or his. You could break a leg or something and not be up to doing something else in 6 mos or a yr. Best to get the wiring and plumbing done now. Besides newer ranges/ovens take more power than in the past. There are so many things pulling on the electrical these day - fridge, w/d, dw, oven, misc small appl, etc. You don't want something blowing out at the wrong time (that's anytime!). Do you have a back up generator? I sure wish I did...

I think you should get the new light fixtures now while you have workers who know your place and who you trust. I tried to get fixtures that would take more wattage than I really planned to use. Figured I'd be safer that way. I looked for ones I could use 100w in - even if I only planned to use a 60w bulb. Who knows - as my sight gets worse I might need to move the wattage higher... I also only get fixtures with globes that don't need those little screws to hold them in. Mostly I get those that are open at the bottom - you can reach up and just unscrew a bulb and put a new one in. Even if I can't climb that high to do it - anyone I have come by to do it won't have a hassle doing it. take one out, put one in. no little screws - no trying to balance the bulb, the globe and the screws!

plumbing - you don't want to be springing a leak on your new flooring either!

I also had problems with flooring (not much in yet!). I have a problem if I have much color or design to walk on. I misjudge it and where my feet are gonna land. I had to find something rather plain and light in color.

Sounds to me like your husband's depression is causing him to lash out at you, so many do that. Now, if you understand that his real frustration is that his life is not what he had envisioned, then you could gently talk to him about his feelings. Imagine yourself living where you thought you'd love and now maybe you regret it, that would be hard. Perhaps he's angry at himself and it comes out in being difficult. Since he needs control as a core center of his life, give him options. Show two possible solutions and ask for his opinion of each and which one he thinks is the best. Give some of his power back to him. I know it sounds manipulative but it takes grace do deal with a situation like you are in and, to make it easier on you, try not to react but ask him "why are you saying these things, you're hurting my feelings." Let him know calmly that what he says affects you and what you say affects him. I've been married 56 years and I know how exhausting it can be at times but it's all worth it. Good luck, you're doing well so far/

Yep, Yaya (have you read the Yaya Sisterhood book?) you are right, and when he lashes out it really frustrates me. I understand his reasons for it, but it still is unsettling. The fact he is hard of hearing, has bad knees and cannot do much construction work anymore, also depresses him. I've tried to get as much into this remodel to keep him from even trying to do the work himself. His poor knees cannot take hours on ladders, or hours putting in flooring. He once did ALL the work for additions or improvements but these days no way. I think that is part of his problem too. Of course, he wants to do it the OLD way, which is not up to the stringent code now in place for hurricane zones. So our disagreements about the ways they do things NOW contrary to the OLD FASHIONED way, or the way they did things up in MA which has different requirements (no worry for carrying heavy snow loads here, at all), puts him out of his element. We are not cutting many corners at all, with quality of flooring or roofing or strength of lumber and such as that. Even though we are OLDER PEOPLE, and should not worry too much about definition of "lifetime warranty" that is something he expects. I suppose that is why he insisted the cabinets be custom and wood, instead of the IKEA much less expensive kitchens. I figured that even 10-15 years from now, or not long thereafter, this kitchen would seem OLD to a buyer (more than likely a buyer would consider this a starter home) and they'd want to do some "updating" of the kitchen anyway. I know we updated appliances in our river house that Katrina destroyed, and that kitchen had been redone 10 years before.

Steph, I think you make many good points, I like light floors too, which is why we have the ash hardwood going in. And, the new lighting fixtures will be super easy to deal with. I'm not going to keep big closets filled with anything stuck back for a rainy day if I can help it. Or shopworn chairs either--although he has 4 windsor chairs, and he takes pride in those. Somehow I'll have to find a place for them....and NOT at the dining table or in the living room! Right now I'm thinking about the Shaker style of hanging chairs on the wall out of the way. They would do okay in my Teahouse, up about 10 feet on a traditional Shaker "chair rail." with pegs for securing them up high. Hmmm, sort of lends new meaning to the term "chair rail" doesn't it!

When I painted and decorated his MA cape, I took great delight in the house. I thought I was making it a traditional and pretty place like other capes. However, everybody who saw it said, "Oh, it is so SOUTHERN." I guess they were right. I believe the structure a lot similar to the cajun style and raised creole cottages of the south and the bayou. Both are charming homes to live in.

Anyway, I must add that today he is more amenable to the work in progress. We've had a few days of respite from the work. The old roof, which is so bad it was crumbling beneath the feet of the carpenters, is to be removed tomorrow and the stickyback underlayment is to be laid down. The chimney will be refurbished with copper cap and flashing, new vents and turbines. He was much concerned about the dilapidated state of those crumbling shingles. As soon as GAF delivers our ultra high definition architectural shingles, maybe Thursday or Friday, we shall present a new face to the street. Namely a color called SLATE which has some green in it, and dark enough not to stain easily. The imminent install of the new roof has brightened his outlook considerably.

And now I'm going to go read the last 150 pages of COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO. What a book!