Well, I was going to suggest therapy, but he already is in therapy. How long has he been seeing a therapist? It can take a long time to see any results. My older SS was in therapy for a year, and we didn't see any real improvement for several months. I'd say if you're not seeing any improvement to consider switching therapists. Sounds to me like your SS has some mental issues. Is he on any meds?

My DH is also having a hard time with my son, 18. He was 16 when my DH moved in with me and rebelled against anyone telling him what to do.

The bigger problem in what you say is that your DH is now siding with his son. Before anyone jumps on me, let me explain. He should take the side of what is best for his son. If the son is flunking out of school or disrupting the house, the dad should be handling those things. If you, as SM, aren't getting anywhere with the SS and DH is not supporting your efforts to help his son, then what I'd suggest is that you disengage from the situation. If you are currently the one that deals with the school, then tell DH that HE can deal with the school. If DH doesn't have a problem letting him stay up late, then let DH deal with it. If SS won't get up the next morning, then tell DH since he lets him stay up, he can be the one to wake up SS or deal with any problems it creates. If my DH wakes up because my son is being loud at two or three AM, then DH wakes me up and tells me to handle it. If DH doesn't wake me up, I can sleep right through noise but DH can't. So, my son disturbing the household is MY problem and he has me deal with it.

It doesn't have to be your problem to deal with his son. If he wants your assistance in raising him, then he has to be a team player. If your DH wants to do it HIS way, then let him do it alone. I know it's easier said than done, but I have trained myself to ignore certain things my DH does that I don't agree with. If your SS won't do a chore, then tell DH, here's the list of chores for SS, if SS won't get them done, DH can do them.

Maybe you would have more influence if you back off and just be a friend. His dad should be acting like the parent, that's HIS job. You certainly don't need the stress or pressure of being this boys' parent if his own dad is going against your best efforts.

Without knowing particulars, it would be hard to say what is going on here. Obviously there is a rift between you and DH and a lack of a united front is not a good thing in blended families. I also think that it is very hard for a stepparent to discipline at any age, let alone coming into a teenagers life and trying to discipline then!

I don't think there is anything wrong with a stepparent asking a stepchild to complete chores, however from your post it is not clear where boundaries are in this stepfamily. SS may feel his boundaries are being violated and that is why you are getting the response you are.

Anyway, I think the best bet is to go to family counseling as well as individual for SS and maybe even parenting classes for you and DH.

For yourself and your marriage, I would detach from this child and your dh lack of parenting. As long as you are being the only "parent," you will take the blame for all of ss shortcomings. Dh and ss need a scape goat and you are it. Let dh take over everything. If ss goes to bed at 3am, don't worry about it. Fails school? Not your fault. IF dh were backing you up, it would be different. Let dh AND ss know it's not YOU causing the problem, it's dh. The only way they can see it, is if you stay out of the triangle. Dh needs to learn how to be a parent.

I think it's going to be a hard road in your situation, even if it ultimately works out. Coming into the life of any ***teenager*** ---no matter how perfect/imperfect either the SK or the SP (or the BP) is or isn't--- there are many classic & predictable issues that must be worked through. (In addition to just the ones of classic, typical adolesence itself). Again, this isn't a sign that the blended family is failing, just going through its natural processes. Where many people unfortunately make a mistake and end up making a stressful adjustment so much worse (and into permanent rifts sometimes) is when these normal things get turned into Major Malfunctions. Somebody always ends up in therapy, but usually not together. Everyone's feeling unsure, ambivalent, yadda yadda yadda, and the impulse is to ascertain who is "The Problem". Chrisb123 correctly points out that there tends to be a 'scapegoat' in these situations. And that role is free-floating and in a constant state of negotiation. It's all too easy for an SP to feel like a scapegoat (after all, they are the "new" element). But this tends to foul up the nice new marriage and in any event still doesn't take away the tense, unsure feelings all around. It is quickly deemed undesirable as a group dynamic, especially by the parent and step-parent, who tend to have more power and means in the family and thus more ability to adjust the dynamic. Thus the next phase in the blended family adjustment is often to swiftly invert the 'scapegoat' role onto the SK. Thus, he becomes the lone 'problem' on the therapists' couch. ("See? He's IN THERAPY... He must be THE PROBLEM...") And SK gets rightly angry about it, feeling....well... scapegoated, and maybe starts to develop more serious anger with the SK. And the BP. So the therapy doesn't tend to "stick" too good at this point, in that scenario. The whole family needs to go to therapy together, period, to work together so that NOBODY has to erroneously feel like The Problem.

depends what chores you want him to do. I could not possibly make DD to do too many chores, if any. And she grew up just fine. And we aren't a blended family.

I think sometimes parents are uptight and make a big deal out of nothing. But as about failing classes it is entirelly different story. It is a big deal...but.. It is mom's and dad's issue. Not yours. If he goes to bed at 3AM it is probably noisy in the house then your DH needs to tell him to be quiet. But if he is quiet, then it is really not up to you what time he goes to bed. It is annoying, yes. But let dad deal with it.

And mom. Does not matter where she lives. My X lives away farther than 1200 and he was right on her when grades were going down or when she was not listening to me. So let mom and dad raise their kid.

Fine's right about SS failing classes... that isn't a small matter. It is a classic symptom of adjustment, unfortunately, but not a small matter. Hopefully that's another thing a good counselor should be able to help with. (For what it's worth, I was seeing a counselor just before making up my mind to go back to college, which I then did with virtually a straight-A average. Might have been because I was the one to independently seek counseling on my own ---which can make a big difference in how well the therapy goes--- or because I was about a decade older than your SS, but the counseling did help facilitate the motivation to go back and do better in school.)